Knowing Ethan was dead offered little comfort. Was he the only rogue agent in the Secret Service, or were there more like him? Would his ignominious end serve as a deterrent to prevent future attacks, or would some other wingnut feel compelled to try to complete his misguided mission?
Unwilling to hear any more but unable to turn away from a story that was sure to dominate the headlines for months to come, Robby muted the sound on the TV. What was Taylor feeling right now? Frightened? Betrayed? Alone? Robby wanted to go to her, take her in her arms, and tell her everything was going to be okay, but she was probably the last person Taylor wanted to see. Tonight, Taylor would most likely want to surround herself with people she was sure she could trust. When given a chance to earn that honor, Robby had blown the opportunity. She doubted she would ever have the chance to make up for her mistake.
She had been fighting from behind her whole life. She had wanted so desperately to finally get ahead, she had been willing to do almost anything to achieve her goal. When they met, she had only seen Taylor as a stepping-stone instead of a person. When she had finally allowed herself to see Taylor as a woman instead of a mark, she had fallen for her. Hard.
Her heart had soared when Taylor said she loved her too. Then she had felt it break when Taylor discovered her secret.
Deep down, Robby had always known a relationship with Taylor was impossible. Even if she had been honest with Taylor from the beginning, she would have always felt like they were from different worlds. Like she was an interloper in Taylor’s social circle instead of a full-fledged member of equal standing. Taylor had never made her feel like an outsider, but the same couldn’t be said for everyone else in Taylor’s life. From Taylor’s parents to the media, everyone seemed to have a reason why they shouldn’t be together.
Now, thanks to Dickson Beltran, she had a chance to change everyone’s opinion of her. She had a chance to become one of the influential people Taylor’s family courted instead of one of the anonymous servers they ignored while they scarfed down decadent canapés and expensive drinks at fundraisers and campaign functions. She had a chance to be one of them instead of one of the little people they paid lip service to while they tried to earn their votes.
She had worked so hard to get to this point, but the moment felt anticlimactic. The money Beltran Media had offered was good—great, in fact—but it wasn’t enough. Not when what she wanted more than anything else was priceless.
What she wanted wasn’t a lucrative contract and a cushy corner office. What she wanted was a relationship with Taylor Crenshaw. One based on honesty instead of lies.
She picked up her phone and scrolled through the list of recent calls until she found the number she wanted. She didn’t know if Taylor would take her call, but she had to try. Even if they had no chance of repairing their broken connection, she would feel better just knowing Taylor was safe.
* * *
Taylor’s phone was ringing. Again. Steven had told her not to talk to anyone until he arrived. Even though Ethan had turned out to be someone Taylor couldn’t trust, she didn’t think twice about continuing to have faith in Steven. She let the call—like all the others—go to voicemail. She had texted her brother and her parents to let them know she was okay, but she didn’t call them because she didn’t feel like talking. She just wanted this day—and this nightmare—to be over.
She had come to DC with one goal in mind: to avoid getting swept up in a scandal, whether of her own making or someone else’s. Now she found herself involved in not one but two. One she could have avoided if she hadn’t let her attraction to Robby cloud her judgment. The other? Not so much. How could she have known that Ethan, a man who had sworn to risk his life in order to save hers, was so blinded by hatred and bigotry he would rather see her dead than fulfill his duty?
Ethan’s military background and his dedication to his job had helped him quickly progress through the ranks of the FBI until he landed a plum assignment with the Secret Service. Despite his seemingly unassailable reputation, he had made Robby uneasy. Robby’s actions might have saved her life. Taylor should have trusted Robby’s instincts, even if trusting Robby with her heart had cost her dearly.
Despite all the secrets she had unearthed over the past few weeks, she wished Robby was with her now. She wanted to thank her for coming forward and see if they could put the past behind them. They could never be what they once were, but if granted a fresh start, perhaps they could create something better.
Taylor started when she heard voices in the hallway, followed by a knock on her door. Had the agent in charge given the all clear? If so, no one had told her.
“It’s me,” Steven said when she didn’t respond. “The lockdown’s been lifted. The crisis is over.”
“Are you sure about that?” she asked as she opened the door. “Because it feels like we’re just getting started.” Steven was still dressed in the suit and tie he had worn to his cousin’s wedding, but his drawn face made him look exhausted instead of debonair. “Long day?”
He sank into the closest chair. “You have no idea.”
She pointed to the TV screen. “Is everything they’re reporting true?”
“Unfortunately, yes.”
“Did you know what Ethan was up to? Had he shared his views with you?”
“Yes and no. When we were in basic training, he and some of the guys cracked a few gay jokes from time to time. I found the jokes offensive and told them why. They were surprised to discover I was gay, but they didn’t ostracize me or give me a hard time about it. Ethan, in fact, became one of my closest friends. That’s why I’m having such a hard time with this whole thing. How could Robby and Lily see something I didn’t?”
“For what it’s worth, Lily didn’t want to believe it either.”
“In the end, she made the right call.”
Taylor thought back to the conversation she and Lily had shared at Camp David. When she had pressed Lily for more information about the letter Robby had received, Lily had reluctantly admitted her prime suspect was a fellow agent. She hadn’t named names because who would have believed her if she had? Now the truth was plain to see.
Steven rested his elbows on his knees. “The blowback from this situation is bound to be severe. Heads are sure to roll, mine included.”
“Yours? Why?”
“A member of my team was compromised and I didn’t see it coming. That makes me the obvious fall guy.”
Taylor hoped he was wrong, but she knew there was an element of truth in his statement. The director of the Secret Service would take the hit publicly since she was the face of the agency, but when all was said and done, she would most likely get to keep her job. Middle managers like Steven were the ones whose positions were at risk.
“Do you have a Plan B?” she asked.
“I could go into private security, but I’m a little tired of putting myself in the line of fire. I suppose I could try my hand at selling antiques. I have a connection I could call.” He smiled despite his obvious uncertainty. “Everything will work out for the best. I’m sure of it. Lily’s overdue for a promotion. As my parting act, I’ll recommend she replaces me. Unless you have any objections, of course.”
“No, Lily’s calm and level-headed. I think she would be great for the job.” And, besides Steven and Portia, there was no one else Taylor would want to have her back.
Steven must have already come to terms with his upcoming exodus from the Secret Service because when he sat back in his seat, he had an odd look of contentment on his face. He looked so happy she wouldn’t be surprised to hear the next wedding he attended was his own.
“Your career’s falling apart and you look like you don’t have a care in the world,” she said. “What’s your secret?”
“I’ve finally learned to stop living in fear.”
Taylor pondered whether she had the courage to follow his example. A few weeks ago, she had been willing to deny herself a chance at happiness in order to appease other people. But
those days were over. She was done doing what she was expected to do. It was time for her to start doing what her heart compelled her to do.
She grabbed her coat. “I know you’re halfway out the door, but are you up for one last road trip before you go?”
Steven straightened his tie. “You bet.”
Someone had once compared her life to a fairy tale. Even though she hadn’t agreed with the analogy at the time, it seemed kind of appropriate now. Because she was ready to find her happily ever after.
And she knew exactly where to look.
She picked up her phone and returned one of her many missed calls. “Hey, it’s me,” she said when her call was answered. “I know it’s late, but may I buy you a drink?”
Chapter Thirty-one
Robby had never seen Kramerbooks and Afterwords Café so quiet and still. Both places were normally bustling with activity, a constant buzz of excitement rippling through the air as people shopped for a good read or grabbed a quick bite with friends. Tonight, though, both establishments were as solemn as a funeral parlor. Most of the bookstore patrons were focused on their handheld devices, and the customers in the café were staring at the television over the bar.
Fearful a devastating natural or manmade disaster had occurred in the brief span of time since she left her apartment, Robby moved closer to the TV to see what had captured everyone’s attention. President Crenshaw’s face and upper body filled the screen as he spoke from the Oval Office. Seated at his desk with framed photos of his family visible in the background, he looked like he had endured some unimaginable trauma. His shoulders were slumped and his face was drawn. Even though his eyes were trained on the camera broadcasting his image nationwide, they seemed unfocused. Locked in a thousand-yard stare. His voice, usually warm and expressive, sounded hollow as he read the scripted remarks scrolling on the teleprompter mounted underneath the camera’s oversized lens.
“I come before you tonight to address an incident that occurred earlier today,” he said. “The investigation is ongoing, so I cannot and will not comment on the specifics of the case. But I want to assure you, the American people, of two things. One: my family and I are safe and will continue to remain so, thanks to the efforts of the brave men and women of the Secret Service. Two: the heinous actions allegedly planned by and the reprehensible beliefs attributed to the individual involved in today’s incident were his own and do not represent the beliefs of the esteemed agency for which he worked or this humble administration.”
“He’s covering his ass,” a man standing at the bar said as he swirled the melting ice in his drink. “He’s trying to distance himself from what happened instead of taking the blame for helping to create the poisonous atmosphere that inspired someone to try to ice his kid.” He assumed a mocking tone. “It’s not my fault. When I made all those anti-gay speeches on the campaign trail, I didn’t expect anyone to take me seriously.” He shook his head and drained his drink. “The heads of the Secret Service and FBI are probably tripping over each other trying to find someone to throw under the bus.”
Robby fought down a wave of guilt as she thought of Steven. Could he end up losing his job over this? He was Ethan’s supervisor. If the agency was looking to cast blame, he made the likeliest scapegoat.
She tried to convince herself what had happened wasn’t her fault. Ethan might still be alive if she had given the letter to Steven the night she had received it instead of sitting on it for a few days, but it wouldn’t have changed the end result. Though it might have played out on the back pages instead of the front, the scandal would still exist.
She turned back to the TV, waiting in vain for President Crenshaw to give Taylor a public show of support. To demonstrate to everyone watching that he loved his daughter more than he liked appeasing his base of supporters. His body language said he no longer believed the words he was reading—if he ever had in the first place. She wondered when his mouth would catch up. Or if it ever would.
What must Taylor be thinking as she listened to this? That her father had chosen politics over family? Because it certainly seemed that way to her. When she spotted Taylor sitting at a small table in the corner with Steven and Lily standing guard over her, she realized it seemed that way to Taylor, too.
Taylor looked forlorn as she accepted the well-wishes of the few people who dared to approach her table. Most of the other patrons either pretended not to see her sitting there or stared openly at her as they tried to gauge her reaction to her father’s televised address.
Robby tuned out the rest of the president’s speech, more concerned about Taylor’s well-being than Terry Crenshaw’s political career. Her legs felt wooden and her heart heavy as she walked toward Taylor’s table. “We don’t have to do this here,” she said as Taylor rose to greet her. “I have half a bottle of vodka in my freezer if you’d like some privacy.”
“No,” Taylor said with a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I’m done living my life for other people. It’s time I started living it for myself.” She indicated the seat across from her. “Care to join me?”
For a moment, Robby foolishly allowed herself to believe Taylor was asking her to share something much more meaningful than a round of drinks. But she knew better. Tonight wasn’t about planning the future. It was about accepting the present and letting go of the past.
“I’d love to.”
Before she settled into her seat, Robby squeezed Steven’s arm in a show of support. He nodded his thanks, then he and Lily positioned themselves in front of the table to shield her and Taylor from prying eyes.
“I’m sorry I didn’t answer the phone when you called,” Taylor said, “but I was a little busy at the time.”
Robby was glad to see Taylor was able to joke about the situation, even if she had to resort to gallows humor. “I’m so glad you’re okay.”
“So am I. I’m also glad you came. The way we left things the last time we saw each other, I didn’t know if you would.”
When Taylor had stormed out of her apartment a few weeks ago, Robby had thought she would never see her again except from a distance. Now here she was sitting right in front of her. Close enough to touch, yet hopelessly out of reach.
“I had to come,” she said. “I wanted to tell you in person that I’m shutting down my blog.”
Taylor furrowed her brow. “Why would you do that?”
“Why wouldn’t I? Look at how much harm it’s done. I used to think The pH Factor could get me everything I ever wanted, but I’ve come to realize it’s kept me from the one thing—the one person—I can never have.”
“As a loyal reader and the occasional topic of conversation, I hope you change your mind.”
“Seriously?”
“I never had a problem with what you do for a living. My only issue was you kept part of your life hidden from me and tried to use our relationship to advance your career.”
“What would you have done if I’d told you?”
“If I knew about your job at Virginia’s, I would have been taken aback, but at least I wouldn’t have been taken by surprise. And if I had known about your blog, I would have been more circumspect about some of the things I said. But in either case, it wouldn’t have changed how I felt about you. How I feel about you.” Taylor reached across the table and took her hand. “I love you, Robby, and I want to be with you. Not despite who you are, but because of it. I hope you feel the same way about me because, as you’ve probably heard on the news tonight, I definitely have some baggage, too.”
Tears of joy flooded Robby’s eyes as she realized Taylor still harbored feelings for her despite everything that had happened. “Of course I still love you.”
“But?” Taylor asked, picking up on the uncertainty in her voice.
“But you’re leaving. It’s an open secret you’re going back to Kansas City. How are we going to be together if we’re a thousand miles apart? Since honesty is my new policy, I have to tell you I suck at long-distance relationships.”
“What about long-term ones?”
Robby thought back to the night she had tried to imagine Taylor’s future. A future she had never dreamed could include her.
“The day you asked me to meet you here,” Taylor continued, “there was a marriage proposal in the Current Affairs section. I remember seeing it take place and thinking it could never happen to me. I want it to happen to me, Robby. And I want it to happen with you.”
Robby felt the same way, but she needed to be selfless for once instead of selfish. She needed to let Taylor go.
“I can’t, Taylor,” she said, pulling away.
When she spoke, Taylor’s voice was choked with emotion. “Why not?”
“I can tell how much winning Dan Lowry’s seat would mean to you. I don’t want to stand in your way.”
“You wouldn’t be.”
“Thank you for saying so, but you and I both know that isn’t true. Being associated with me would sink any political aspirations you have. Any opponent you faced would use me to drag you through the mud. You’d be better off with someone like Sheridan at your side and you know it. I won’t be responsible for crushing your dreams, Taylor. I’ve already done enough damage to last a lifetime. Let me quit while I’m ahead.”
She tried to make a hasty retreat, but Lily and Steven blocked her path. She wondered if Taylor had told them to act as human roadblocks or if they had decided to do it on their own. Either way, she wasn’t going anywhere any time soon.
“I already have the deck stacked against me.” Taylor ticked off her list of perceived faults. “I’m a liberal lesbian in an increasingly conservative political environment, I’m the daughter of one of the more unpopular presidents in modern history, and I’ve never run for office before. What’s one more thing? If I lose, I lose. But at least I’ll go down fighting. And I’m not going to stop fighting for you, Robby. For us.”
True Colors Page 25