by Linda Keenan
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Petty Crimes Private Investigator
Ever wonder why that girl you used to work with and had no apparent problem with wouldn’t friend you back on Facebook? Or why your child wasn’t chosen for the status-team in your town’s soccer league? Oh, and what about when your idea for the PTO fund-raiser was ripped out from underneath you? What the fuck was that all about? If it all sounds petty, but you just can’t rest till you get an answer, then it sounds like a job for us at Petty Crimes Private Investigator.
Don’t call us at Petty Crimes Private Investigator if you’ve been involved in a crime, a domestic dispute, or anything that might end up on a permanent record. That’s not what we do. We tackle those maddening mysteries you think about maybe a few times a year, but that consistently bug you when you do think about them.
Our investigative techniques include light interrogation, Facebook and Twitter “stalking,” and perhaps some subtle playground or playing field observation. We can charge you less, because our private investigators are not those fancy “prestige” gumshoe PIs. If they were, they’d be working on real crimes! But you probably won’t even come close to real crime in your lifetime anyway. It’s the little things that matter to you, and at Petty Crimes Private Investigator, we sweat the little things right along with you. And don’t think our PIs are pushovers just because they don’t have the “prestige.” Many come straight from war zones after exciting and previously litigated stints with the private security firm Blackwater! They’ll make quite the impression on the playground, you can be sure of that.
So the next time you ask yourself that bedeviling question, “Why did that bitch from spin class pretend she didn’t know me when she cut me in line at Starbucks last week? What the fuck was that all about?” call or e-mail us at Petty Crimes Private Investigator.
Lesbian Hamsters “Just Grew Apart”
Suburgatory, USA—A pair of lesbian hamsters has apparently separated, a development that has united a family once divided over the same-sex couple in their home.
“We are all crushed. First, Ellen and Anne, then Rosie and Kelli, then Melissa and Tammy, and now Trixie and Fuff, members of our own family,” said Flora Greenbaum, a longtime supporter of gay rights. She added, “Lesbian breakups hit me hard. I mean, if lesbians can’t make it, who can?”
Not everyone in the Greenbaum household was pleased, at first, to see the hamsters growing close. “My home is a judgment-free zone—you know, like Planet Fitness. All shapes, sizes, and backgrounds welcome at Chez Greenbaum!” said Flora.
But her husband David was not so welcoming. “Two days in, Hannah came running in and said ‘Look, Daddy, Fuff and Trixie are hugging like crazy!’ And it didn’t stop. They were glued to each other. Now, I’m a reasonable guy, I voted Obama. I’m not some homophobe, but no, I did not think my daughter needed to see that kind of thing at her age. And no, I was not going to have a ‘conversation’ about it either. And did I want the neighbors to come in and see two girl hamsters dry-humping each other? NO.”
Flora Greenbaum vehemently disagreed, and returned the hamster cage to the house after David tried to put it in the garage. “I thought this was a great teachable moment for Hannah and I told David he can kiss my ass. I told Hannah that if a girl hamster falls in love with another girl hamster, they should have the same rights and freedoms and opportunities that all hamsters have,” Flora said, as Fuff frantically clawed the sides of the cage.
David tried to blunt this advocacy by challenging the very idea that Fuff and Trixie are actually gay. “Think about it this way. Fuff and Trixie are actually in hamster prison. They have no one but each other. Do you think all those guys on that show Oz were gay? No! They had no choice but each other.” David thought about that for a moment and then added, “Wow, you don’t think Fuff was raping Trixie, do you?”
Despite David’s reluctance to embrace the hamster’s sexuality, he was slowly won over by their fierce devotion to Thor, Fuff’s son from a previous relationship. “Don’t even go near Thor—they’ll totally turn Seal Team Six on you, I’m serious. I mean, they’re better parents than those loser slackers we never see at Hannah’s soccer games. You know, if hamsters had soccer you can bet those lesbians would be at every single game, cheering every single goal without fail. So yeah, I’ll admit, I was a little sad when Trixie and Fuff started drifting apart.”
That happened, the Greenbaums say, a few weeks ago. Fuff started burrowing in the cedar bedding of the cage’s right corner, while Trixie shuffled around listlessly and just leaned next to her wheel for hours on end. The only time their energy level seemed to increase was when they cared for Thor, separately, apparently trying to keep things as normal as possible for him.
Today the Greenbaums finally decided to take them to the vet. “I heard they give cats Prozac, so who knows what advancements there are these days for hamsters and mental health,” said Flora Greenbaum. They explained the situation to Dr. Phoebe Macul. Dr. Macul looked a bit perplexed and said, “I think you might be a bit confused. Hamsters are usually sold from the same litter. Trixie and Fuff are surely sisters. And Thor isn’t Fuff’s son—Thor’s a girl and also their sister, but she obviously was born small and didn’t grow any hair, poor little thing; they shouldn’t have sold her to you. Actually, I’m shocked their mom didn’t just eat Thor. Anyway, I’m happy to hear Trixie and Fuff were getting along, a lot of times hamsters tear each other apart. Even though they are drifting now, you’ve actually lucked out.”
The Greenbaums nodded silently and after a pause, David said quietly to Flora, “Sisters? So this was … incest?” Flora responded, “Oh my God, like Flowers in the Attic. It’s sort of sad and sick but sweet… .” When Hannah Greenbaum asked, “What’s incest?” Flora began to respond, until David raised his hand and said, “Don’t. Even.”
Toddler News Junkie Thinks
Glenn Beck Is Kids’ Show
Suburgatory, USA—A four-year-old news junkie recently helped Glenn Beck deal with the Mad That He Feels, something he learned from the late legendary child educator Mr. Rogers.
Jamie Baker watches various news programs with his mother and believes the newscasters are his friends. He especially likes Glenn Beck’s show, which—because of its occasional use of props, cartoons, and puppets—he believes to be a kids’ program. With Beck’s “cozy” sweaters, as Jamie puts it, he even seems like Mr. Rogers. “But Mr. Rogers doesn’t get mad and then cry like Glenn does,” said Jamie.
“Yeah, I sort of think it’s a kids’ program, too,” said his mother Tricia Baker, who is a Cultural Studies Professor specializing in Marxist and post-Marxist Teddyry. “I watch everything, including Fox News. No, especially Fox News. That’s how I got pretty obsessed with Glenn Beck. I can’t believe I am actually paying money to him now that he’s off Fox and has this web-only thing. But it’s nuts, totally crackers, and I just can’t look away from that train wreck.”
“Glenn! Glenn!” said Jamie, as his mom began playing his nightly web program on her iPad.
But the child’s face darkened as Beck began to discuss “the people who hate America.”
Jamie: What’s wrong with Glenn tonight, Mommy?
Tricia: He’s mad again, Jamie. You know when Mr. Rogers sings about “What Do You Do with the Mad that You Feel?”
Jamie: Yes! “Do you punch a bag? Do you pound some clay or some dough? Do you round friends for a game of tag?”
Tricia: Well, Glenn is working on using his words like you do at school, to get out the Mad that He Feels. He has a lot—a lot—of Mad he needs to get out.
Jamie: Mommy, he is talking about “fascists.” What’s a “fascist”?
Tricia: Glenn is, honey.
Jamie: But he doesn’t like fascists! How could he be one?
Jamie petted Beck’s head on the screen. “It’s OK, Glenn. It will be OK. Everything will be fine!” Beck’s commentary continued to escalate in intensity, until he abruptly shifted tone and be
gan to tear up and cry. Tricia leaned out of Jamie’s earshot and said, “You see? You couldn’t make this shit up if you tried!”
Jamie was troubled. “Don’t cry, Glenn! Ask your mommy for snack! Maybe you should go tinkle. You’ll feel better!”
After a moment or two, Jamie said, “Oh look, he’s OK. He’s calming his body. Yay! ‘Adventures of Spooky Dude!’” Adventures of Spooky Dude is a cartoon that features financier George Soros, to which Jamie asked, “Why doesn’t Glenn like Spooky Dude, Mommy?” Tricia said, “Because Spooky Dude gave a billion dollars away but not to Glenn.” Jamie took this in. “Oh. I like it when he gets out his blackboard or sits on his desk. He’s just like you, Mommy. A mafessor!” At that, Tricia snorted. “Riiiight. Just like me. Professor Goebbels.”
So if she views Beck as a fascist, why does Tricia let her young son watch him? “Yeah it’s a little nuts, I know. In my house, Jamie watches either news or kids’ programming produced before 1980. And only kids’ programming produced before 1980. Have you ever seen Dora the Explorer? As in actually sat through it? Talk about a fascist.”
SHOUT OUT
Casey Anthony Was Always Guilty
by Reason of Eyebrows
Maureen Bentley is a mom and part-time accountant who lives on Stratford Street.
Like every mom in America, I was disgusted and appalled by that “Not Guilty” verdict in the recent Casey Anthony let’s-dump-my-toddler-who’s-getting-in-my-big-slutty-way trial. Now I’m not some fancy lawyer or anything, but I’ve seen more than my share of Law and Order episodes, and I am mystified that the jury showed a complete disregard for what I saw as the clearest evidence of her guilt. And that was her intense devotion to eyebrow hygiene.
I’m really not a snap judgment person at all, and in fact I have served with integrity on several juries, including one where we sent a glue-huffing scumball to prison for burglary.
But the first time I saw that mug shot of Casey Anthony, I didn’t need to see any more “evidence” beyond those over-coiffed eyebrows. I knew she was guilty as sin. No normal mother would have a daughter go missing and think to herself, “Hmmm, gee, my eyebrows are looking a little shaggy, better touch them up in front of my lighted mirror!”
Not to say that her eyebrows looked good. My eye-shaping genius Irina shuddered when she saw that mug shot because of how that “mom” butchered those eyebrows! Then the whole eyebrow thing got even crazier during the trial where she seemed to go on some wild, uneven plucking orgy. Here she is, still worried about her brow arch, while sitting in jail not potty training little Caylee and not waking up in the middle of the night, exhausted and pissed off like the rest of us worn-out mothers who don’t kill their babies?
Come on, jury! A woman still worried about those brows while “grieving” a dead toddler? If that was me, my eyebrows would be as big as Borat’s mustache. Frida Kahlo would have nothing on me! Why? Because I love my children and I’m not some piece-of-trash whore and neither are any of my friends. There have been times now and again when I’ve let myself go, you know why? Because I was too busy running myself ragged being a great mom.
Rule of Law and Reasonable Doubt my ass. Get your act together, American Justice System, we’re supposed to be a beacon of sanity around the world. Next time, look to the eyebrows.
“Intactivist” Mom Celebrates
Area Foreskins
Suburgatory, USA—A local “intactivist” mom has formed an unlikely alliance with a gay man who fetishizes the “uncut” penis.
“Circumcision is barbaric, an all-out human rights atrocity that we are inflicting on the most helpless among us,” said activist for “genital integrity” Tara Cote. “At first I was just plain angry. I put a homemade sticker on my car with a slogan: People Who Circumcise Aren’t Playing with a FULL DICK. But a lot of people honked and gave me the finger.”
Cote said that experience made her change her tack. “Instead of guilting parents, I’m trying to show how natural and beautiful the foreskin really is. I’m still judging them, of course. I just don’t tell them.” Isn’t that hypocritical since Cote admits she had her first son circumcised? “No! I was uneducated, uninformed. There was no movement when I deformed my baby. Well, now there’s no one that can say, ‘I didn’t know.’” Cote’s “reeducation,” as she calls it, came after her involvement with an influential Facebook campaign called “Fuck You, Keep Your Babies Whole.”
While trying to dispel the notion that foreskins “are stinky,” “collect cheese,” and “look sad,” Cote stumbled upon websites that glorified the foreskin, for example “Uncut, Uncensored” and “Hooded Heartthrobs.” From this, a fruitful political partnership was formed. “I found some fringe groups, but after I started chatting with them, they were talking about how vicious the Jews are and how they are controlling the world, it was really scary. So I’m so glad I found Libearache, which is what he likes to be called in the—what did he call it?—the ‘bears, cubs, and chubs community.’ Don’t call him Donald. He gets really mad, but that’s his real name,” she whispered.
Libearache explained his advocacy. “You know when I’m in my comfort zone with my cubs and chubs, I talk about how succulent and fragrant a ripe, unwashed foreskin can be. But out here when I find these moms and moms-to-be, I just talk about how foreskins are God’s creation and all that bullshit. And how circumcision is cruel and horrible and dangerous. Which it is.”
When some mothers asked Cote about Libearache’s fetish-wear, which Libearache toned down considerably for his suburban audience, Cote replied, “Um, he’s just … a motorcycle enthusiast.” Some moms were also disturbed that he was approaching pregnant women, saying, “May the foreskin be with you!” But others found Libearache an engaging presence, with Cote adding, “He can be a real chatty Patty when he wants to be and loves looking at the latest gossip on TMZ. He’s fun!”
Cote is confident she and Libearache can convince moms of the horrors of circumcision even if they, like her, have already chosen it for their first child. “We can save the next one,” she said. What about the growing body of research suggesting circumcision reduces rates of STD transmission? “Oh, yuck! Look, gays are the only ones who really have to worry about that stuff and my kid’s sure as hell not gonna be gay.”
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Swagger-Speak International
When your teenager learns a second language, you envision him or her taking a school trip to another country. Do you want your child to come across as a timid naif ready to be taken advantage of? Or as a proud American with all the swagger the world has come to expect and fear? Of course you want the swagger, you love your country!
And you can bet your bottom dollar “Monsieur Fitzgerald” at school won’t have the balls to risk all that politically correct censure and teach the swagger-speak your child really needs. That’s where Swagger-Speak International comes in! Our swagger-speak is taught by a veritable United Nations of tough-as-nails nannies and au pairs from around the world. And trust me, they love hurling these phrases at your bright American child; we barely have to pay them! No matter where your children choose to do their overseas college application-builders, they’ll be armed with phrases like these, when visiting a pub or jostling for position in a train ticket “queue,” or on that African eco-safari!
In Polish:
On jest zasrany skurwysyn.
He is a shit-covered bastard.
In Mandarin:
Ciao Ni Zu Zong!
Fuck your mom!
In Swahili:
Mshenzi we!
You savage!
In Japanese:
Omae no Kaasan Sakana kusa.
Your mom has a bad fish smell.
In Russian:
Chto b ty provalilsia, mudak dolbanyi!
May you fall through hollow cunt!
In Swedish:
Ursäkta mig, men din fitta syns.
Excuse me, but I can see your pussy.
In Spanish:
&
nbsp; Me Cago En Su Puta Madre.
I shit on your whore mother.
In German:
Du Saftsack.
You stupid bastard.
In Tamil:
KandaraOli - Cun-daara-Olee.
Slut … who sleeps with anyone.
In Arabic:
Air il’e yoshmotak.
May you be struck by a dick.
Now, as a concerned parent, you might fear that these phrases will get your child in a bit of trouble. And yet we’ve only had two “international incidents” … and consider the outcomes! One of our students got to meet Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and the other now has his own Wikipedia page! Think how impressive that will look for college admission. And isn’t the small risk of a modest scuffle worth the pride that your child will feel as an American who stood up to an uppity foreigner on his own turf and using his own language? It’s like the bluster of George W. Bush plus the globe-trotting know-how of Barack Obama. Call us at Swagger-Speak International. And remember, if you ever meet a real America-hating fuckwad in Bucharest, repeat after me: Sa-mi bagi mana-n cur si sa-mi faci laba la cacat. That will say to him, “Stick your hand in my ass and jerk off with my shit.” Now that’ll show him who’s boss!
Woman Shops at Wal-Mart
to Feel “Pretty, Thin”
Suburgatory, USA—An affluent local woman chooses to shop at Wal-Mart, not because of the low, low prices, but because shopping there makes her feel “pretty” and “thin.”
“Just get a look at this place! I’m like a total rock star here!” said Terry Gotlieb, who often feels inferior in her regular social circle at both the Temple Beth-El Sisterhood Social Group and the Junior League, because of what she calls her “fat giraffe body” and unmanageable “Jew-fro.”
“I just feel so relaxed and energized when I come in here. I can let it all hang out and still feel like a million bucks. “Hey, Fred!” Fred Upton, one of the store’s many senior citizen employees, is Gotlieb’s favorite Wal-Mart greeter. “That guy, he’s the best. He knows all my kids’ names. Always says, ‘Hi Sunshine! You look beautiful today.’ You know, Fred has to take two buses to come work in this shithole?”