The next morning, Sam walks into my room at 7:12 a.m. I know the exact time because when she walked into the room, the giant balloon she purchased from the gift shop was pinched in the door jam when it closed causing it to pop. A giant mylar balloon doesn’t just pop, it explodes. I damn near leapt from the bed.
“Holy shit,” I yell as my eyes fly open wide, causing pain to course through my temples. My eyes dart around the perimeter of the room, I’m not sure where I am at that moment.
“Oh God…I’m so sorry,” she says in a gleeful tone with a coy smile on her face.
“Are you out of your mind?” I glance at the clock and see the time. “What are you doing here this early? I barely got any sleep last night from all Cammie’s tests.”
“I’m so sorry. baby,” Sam says as she closes the distance and sits in the chair next to my bed, the one my mother has been occupying most of the night despite my protests.
She places an adorable stuffed bear next to me, then leans in to kiss my forehead. “I needed to see you. Oh, and I wanted to bring you this.” She reaches around and pulls my cell phone from the back pocket of her jeans.
“Lily was blowing up your phone, so I answered it and told her what had happened.”
I take the phone from her hand with a wide-eyed look of terror, “You told her we slept together?”
“No…oh God, no. I told her you started to have feeling in your toes, so they took you to the hospital.”
I look at her suspiciously because of the grin she has on her face. I open the messenger app and see that Lily has texted me a dozen times and I instantly feel guilt-ridden. I should have called her before the ambulance came. However, it all happened so quickly that I couldn’t really think straight. I’m sure she’ll understand, but I should call her either way and apologize. I’ll send her a quick text to let her know what’s going on and that I’ll call her in a bit. As I open the text app to begin typing Sam clears her throat pulling my attention to her timid smile.
She takes my hand in hers and kisses it as she locks her gaze to mine. I can see the jubilance in her facial expression, and I know what’s she thinking before she even speaks.
“Um, don’t get me wrong. I wanted to tell her, wanted to let her know to back off. You know since we are together now,” she says as she bites down on her bottom lip.
It was a look that used to get the butterflies flapping around in my stomach. But right now, I’m completely stunned by Sam’s sudden claim on me. I want to laugh, but I’m just too shocked to produce any emotion at the moment. I’m staring at her with, I’m sure, a look of confusion, but her eyes are telling a different story. I can see hope in them, and I realize that what happened last night, what we did…what I let her do to me was an enormous mistake.
Her hand reaches for my face, she is gently stroking my cheek before tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. “Laurel, I love you. I want you back. I know we’ve had some issues in the past, but we were young and now that we are both older and, I don’t know, more mature maybe…I think we could make it work this time. We are great together and I know we’ll be better this time.
Well, now I’m more shocked than I was when the balloon popped. I’m not sure what to say here, I’m looking at Sam with wide eyes like I can’t believe it. And I can’t believe it, surely this chick didn’t think I’m this easy. Oh yeah, a roll in the hay and the past evaporates. I don’t think so.
I’m quiet for a moment going over what she said in my head and the more I think about it, the more pissed off I’m feeling. We didn’t have issues, she had issues.
“What’s this ‘we’ shit? I’m not the one who ruined it, I’m not the one who couldn’t make it work.”
“Um…,”
“Get out,” I say as my eyes narrow.
“What?”
“I said get out. Get out of my fucking hospital room.”
“Baby…please.”
Now I’m boiling mad and right now I could spit fire. How dare she do this to me. How dare she come back into my life only to wreck it again?
“Don’t baby me. I’m not your baby. Get the fuck out of here Sam. Now!”
By this point, I’m in a full-fledged scream which is pulling nurses into my room. Sam’s face falls, and tears begin to fill her eyes when she realizes I’m not joking.
“What’s going on in here?” One of the floor nurses is now in my room standing at the end of my bed with her hands tightly gripping her hips.
“Get her out of here,” I say.
The nurse’s eyes fall to the deflated blonde whose face is now wet with tears. The nurse looks back at me for an instant before Sam stands.
“I’m sorry,” she says in a whisper.
“You should be,” I yell to her retreating form. “Last night won’t erase a decade of pain, Sam.”
I feel bad for a moment, mostly because of the tears in Sam’s eyes affect me. But that feeling of guilt is quickly replaced with anger because her tears shouldn’t affect me. I’m thinking just the opposite, I should be reveling in them. She should feel some fucking pain after what she did to me.
“Huh, get real darling.” I’m really just bitching aloud now, into the open air of my empty room. “If she thinks my heart is available especially for the bitch that crushed me…well,” I laugh out loud, “She’s got a rude awakening coming.”
I’m still reeling from the exchange this morning when I wheel myself into the therapy room just after 1:00 p.m. No one is around, so I figure I’ll just get started on my usual routine for now until Cammie pops in to give me further instructions. But first I need to call Lily and let her know I’m home and what happened last night minus the sex with Sam. Even though I never committed to anything exclusive with this girl, I don’t want to hurt her feelings.
“Hey,” I say when she picks up followed by a brief pause. “Sorry about last night.”
“No worries, Laurel. Sam explained everything. I’m just glad you’re okay, I was worried.”
“Worried, huh?” The tone of her voice is sweet which makes me smile. I’m not even freaked out that she was worried about me. Usually, this would be one of the key indicators that a chick was getting too close or too attached, and it would send me running for the hills. But not now, I think it’s cute, and I think she is adorable.
“Yeah, I mean…So, the feeling’s back in your legs; well that’s exciting.”
“Yes, I’m so excited. I can’t wait until I can get out of this chair.”
“It will happen for you Laurel, I know it will. Um…,”
Just then Cammie strolls in and starts barking orders at me, I hold up a finger to indicate I needed a minute.
“Are you okay?” I ask because Lily has grown quiet.
“Um, yeah. I just wanted to let you know that my grandfather passed away.”
“Oh my God…when?”
“Last night.”
I close my eyes and shake my head as the guilt begins to consume me. I should have been with her…I would have been with her if Cammie didn’t leave me stranded. I divert my eyes to Cammie with an angry scowl.
“I’m so sorry Lily, I should have been there.”
“Don’t be sorry Laurel. I understand…it’s not your fault.”
Yes it is. “Please know how sorry I am.”
“Thanks, he was really old and kinda sick…so it’s not a big surprise. But since he’s my dad’s dad, we are going to the funeral.”
“Oh sweetie, I’m truly sorry.” I offer the kind words because it does sound like she is a little sad. “Where’s the funeral going to be? I would like to pay my respects.”
“That is very kind of you. But he lived in San Diego so my dad is closing the restaurant for two weeks and we are flying out there tonight.”
“Wow, California, huh?”
“Yeah, that’s where my dad is originally from, so he wants to spend some time visiting family, and I’m being held hostage.”
I grin at her use of the word ‘hostage.’ “San Di
ego is beautiful. Plus, I think it’s great for you to visit family.”
Lily sighs loudly, “Laurel, I’ve never met them before. They’re strangers to me.”
“Na, they’re family,” I say. “Just wait and see, you’ll have a great time.”
“Maybe.”
“Hey, what time’s your flight?” I see Cammie giving me the evil eye, and I turn my head to ignore her.
“8:50 tonight.”
“I’ll see you at five, send you to Cali with a smile on your face.”
“Really? You sure?” Lily’s voice squeaks like it always does when she’s excited.
“Yeah, if that’s okay. Can’t leave you all pent up in California…too many hot chicks there and I don’t want you replacing me.”
Cammie raises her eyebrows at me, and I can tell by the look in her eyes, she knows what happened between Sam and me. And really, I’m amazed those words fell from my lips. I don’t know why I care whether or not Lily hooks up while she’s in San Diego. Especially since I’m a big fat hypocrite after what I did last night…behind her back.
“Yes, I would love to see you before you go.”
“Okay then, I’ll see you after Cammie has her way with me.” Then I giggle when I see my therapist roll her eyes.
“Awesome. Um, you want me to pick you up?”
“No, no. You have enough to do. I’ll get a ride over.”
“I’m so excited. I’ve been wanting to test out your new working parts.” She giggles.
A pang of guilt hits me, and I quickly push it away. What happened, happened. I can’t change it, so I need to just let it go and move on. I let out a nervous giggle and try to mask it with clearing my throat.
“Oh yeah, me too. That’s all I’ve been thinking about.” I shake my head, seems my lying skills were still intact.
“Great, then I’ll see you soon.”
“Definitely. Gotta run, time for therapy.”
I end the call and roll my chair to where Cammie is standing.
“You should have never told her you would be there at five, we have a lot of work to do.”
“I know, but she will be away for two weeks, so after tonight I’ll have no distractions. Okay?”
She shrugs her shoulders, “Whatever, Laurel. Follow me.”
Cammie leads me over to the parallel bars, “Learning to walk is something a baby will do instinctively. Their leg muscles and bones grow stronger enabling them to walk on their own, but they’re cautious at first. They use tables, rails, ledges, and edges of anything and everything to balance themselves while they learn. They use their parent’s hands for support and guidance, like these parallel bars. They use walkers designed just for babies to aid in the production of leg strength, balance, and stamina.”
“Learning to walk is no easy task. Fortunately, we don’t remember what we had to endure to get vertical. The process to walk again is pretty similar to a baby. It is taking one step at a time and knowing your limits. You have to come at this like you never walked before because if you think you’re going to just be able to stand and walk, you’ll fall and possibly break something.”
I nod my head slowly. What she is saying to me makes perfect sense, but I have to say it was terrifying me.
“This is going to be the most difficult thing you’ll ever have to endure physically. It is going to be challenging for you to stand right now let alone take a step. So I need you to promise me you’re not going to try walking outside of this room or outside of my direction.”
She looks at me expectantly, and I say, “Okay.” It’s with a bit of reluctance, but I want to be able to walk again so I don’t want to do anything that could impede my ability to do so.
“We are going to start you with standing, but first you’ll have to put these on.” She gestures over to some kind of weird looking braces. “These will secure your ankles. Because your legs are too thin and weak from muscle atrophy, the weight of your body could snap your ankles if you don’t plant your feet correctly.”
Then she places the braces on my legs. Even before I stand from my chair, these things feel like they’re blocks of cement and I have no idea how I’m supposed to move them. But I don’t say anything as I push my chair behind Cammie toward the bars.
As she is fastening some type of belt around my waist, I hear my mother’s voice behind me. She is not alone, there is another voice, and my heart rate quickens at its sound. Sam is chatting with my mother, about what I’m not sure because I can’t seem to make out the words in this state of confusion I’m in. Between the fact that Sam is closing the distance behind me while Cammie fits the harness to me; my head is spinning.
“Hi sweetie,” my mother says. “Since I was present for the first time you took your first step, I don’t want to miss the second.
I turn my head to see the smiling face of my mother, but I don’t see Sam. I turn the other direction and don’t see her there either. Then I begin to wonder if she left or maybe is lurking around behind us for some reason.
“I’m right behind you,” she says which makes me jump with a start.
“Shit, you scared me,” I say with a bit of indignation in my tone. “What the hell are you doing sneaking up on me?”
She doesn’t say anything which leads me to look up behind me…I’m met with her intense stare. I don’t peel my eyes away just yet, even though I feel a bit intimidated by her towering presence, I’m not going to give her the satisfaction of knowing she is getting to me.
“Okay then, are you ready to stand?” Cammie’s face is soft and sweet. I’m almost not terrified to do this…almost.
I guess I’m mostly afraid of what will happen if I can’t do it, but why wouldn’t I? I can feel my legs…however, this doesn’t mean I’ll walk. I’ve read a few cases on the Internet where people were never able to walk again even after regaining all feeling. I know I shouldn’t have read that fucking article last night in the hospital because it has been haunting me all day. Today is a big day for me, and I’m ready to stand up for the first time in six months.
“Yes,” I say as I look into Cammie’s hopeful eyes.
She places my feet in these abominable snowman boots onto the walkway. Sam is behind me, holding tightly to my wheelchair and Cammie is grabbing me by the belt she strapped around my waist.
“Okay, grab the bars,” she says with a smile, so I reach up and grab on tight.
“On three, I’ll lift you. I need you to use your arms to hold your body weight. Ready?”
Again I look into her expectant eyes and nod.
“One, two, three….” Cammie lets out a grunt as she lifts me like I’m a hundred pound sack of flour.
“Shit, Laurel…a little help,” she groans.
My grip on the bars isn’t as secure as it should be and when I begin to hold all my weight, my arms nearly give out causing Cammie to grab hold of me like a child about to fall. I fumble with my grip again and lurch us both forward, nearly toppling us to the floor.
“Sam…chair. She’s not ready,” Cammie yells out, her voice bearing a hint of distress.
“No,” I yell out as I steady myself on the bars. I just needed to figure it out because now I have the full weight of my body resting on my arms.
“I got this.” Fortunately, my upper body strength has more than doubled, and I realize I can hold my body weight up as if my legs weren’t touching the ground.
“Okay,” she says as she examines my posture, I guess making sure I’m standing properly. “Now begin to put a little pressure on your feet.”
I do as she says, but my feet burn instantly…like I’m standing in fire. This causes me to hold my all my weight on my arms again.
“I don’t think I can do this,” I say. My legs feel strange under me, too brittle…I’m afraid I’m going to collapse into a pile of busted bones.
“Yes, you can,” Cammie says. “Don’t be afraid. Put a little pressure on your legs.”
“I don’t think I can. I feel like they’re going
to crumble.”
“It just feels that way, I promise you they won’t. Sam is right behind you, and I got you…you won’t fall.”
I look into Cammie’s almond-shaped eyes, her smile is displaying those dimples, and I can’t help but smile back at her. We’ve been through so much together, and I do trust her more than anyone at this point.
“Okay,” I whisper as I ease up on my arms and allow a slow reallocation of pressure to my legs. My legs are wobbling so badly that I look at Cammie again for encouragement before releasing all my weight. My feet now have the added bonus pain of pins and needles.
“Come on Laurel…you can do this.” I hear Sam’s voice behind me and to be honest, I forgot she was there. However, I’m happy that she didn’t call me ‘baby.’
I look over to my mom who has an apprehensive look on her face, but she smiles in spite of it and gives me a thumbs up.
With all my strength and determination I push my right leg forward. Between the pain and the exertion, I feel like I want to vomit. But instead, I push my left leg forward with all my might. My arms grip onto the bars tightly as I take another step, then another, then another. They really boiled down to shuffles and baby ones at that. However, as small as the steps were, I’m still making them, and it took every ounce of energy I had.
“Fuck…this is hard!” I yell out. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Tears are streaming down my face, some from anger and pain…but most out of frustration.
“It will get easier, give me a couple more.” Cammie steadies me with the belt she’s holding. My shoulders are burning now, and my arms feel like jelly. The muscles in my legs are seizing up which is a new pain for me, and this is now hampered any further movement.
Cammie sees the pain in my eyes, “Sam,” she says signaling her to ease the chair behind me. “Okay, Laurel…don’t just flop down.”
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