It's All Coming Back To Me

by Michelle Marra

  The knock at my door stirs me. I didn’t realize I fell back asleep, or maybe I was asleep the entire time, and the sex wasn’t real…just a dream. But it wasn’t a dream, because I feel the arms around me pull tight, and I feel the rise and fall of her chest under my head. As soon as I open my eyes, I see Sam’s breast, and I reach for it. I squeeze her nipple causing her to stir, and I’m ready to continue our little tryst. Because right now I don’t want the spell to be broken, I don’t want to go back to reality. The reality where only my fear and bitterness exist.

  But as if I said, please come in and ruin my day. Cammie walks into my room.

  She doesn’t say anything right away, she just stares for a moment then shakes her head. “I’m so glad to see that you two have made up, but there is a camera crew in my therapy room and a relentless woman I’m about to kill.”

  “Tell them to go away,” I say. “I want to stay here.”

  Cammie’s dimples are even more prominent when she pulls her lips into an irritated look. “No way Laurel. You’re doing stairs today. You two can play house later. Get out of that bed.”

  I see her eye Sam who is suddenly a mute, she just pulls tighter to me and kisses me on the head. She must be feeling and thinking the same thing I am…that once we are out there, back amongst the world and Dr. Laurel, the spell will surely be broken.

  “Laurel, what are you still doing in that bed?” I hear my mother’s voice coming from the doorway, and when she sees Sam and me in this bed, she stops instantly cupping her hands over her mouth. I can see the smile on her face, and I know that this is an added complication I don’t need right now.

  “Oh my God…I’m so happy,” she yells. “You two are finally back together.”

  “It’s not that simple Eleanor,” Sam says as she sits up pulling the blanket off the bed to wrap herself in. “Laurel and I can reconnect a thousand times…she knows I love her. Well.” Then she stands from the bed and looks back at me. “Let’s just say, she’s heard me say it enough. But she has to figure out what she wants. I can only hope she will trust that I love her enough to take a chance. Because I really do love you.”

  She bends down and kisses me on the forehead, turns on her heel and walks off with her clothes in her hand while she is still wrapped in the blanket. Before she enters my bathroom, she turns to me and says, “Get up Laurel. The world is waiting to watch you walk up that staircase.” Then she winks and disappears into the bathroom.

  Cammie looks over at me. I can see how she cares about Sam, it seems Sam has built herself a life in Camden. A life that we both should have built…according to our plans anyway, the plans she blew apart. Cammie raises an eyebrow as she regards me and I can almost hear her thoughts which are laced with judgment, distrust, and suspicion. I divert my eyes from her gaze.

  “Give me five minutes to get dressed,” I say, and she turns on her heel and walks out of my room.

  I push the tears from my face as I take a deep breath. I know the cameras are waiting for me and I know I need to be the me I used to be…Dr. Laurel. I can’t believe how I’ve changed since all this has happened. I shake my head trying to understand it, trying to make sense of it, and trying not to come apart.

  My mother sits on the edge of my bed and pats my hand. “Why are you fighting this so hard Laurel?”

  She pauses to allow me to respond, but I can’t because there is a huge lump in my throat I’m trying to swallow down. I’m trying to keep it together.

  “Listen sweetie, I can see it in your eyes. I know you love her…you know you love her. What I don’t understand is why you’re being so stubborn.”

  I don’t know what to say to this…yes, I do love Sam, and it pisses me off that I went there again. I clear my throat, “Yes…Mom, I do love her. But how can I trust she won’t crush my heart again? Why should I give up everything that I worked for to take a chance, to risk unlocking my heart?”

  “You don’t have to give up everything…just your unwillingness to love.”

  I can feel the tears sting the sore skin beneath my eyes. I don’t want to cry again, but there is little I can do to stop it. My mother’s expression softens as she pushes a tear from my cheek.

  “Mom, I don’t have an unwillingness to love. I love you, dad, and the boys.”

  “That’s not what I’m talking about, and you know it. You just said you love Sam. Have you told her?”

  “No and I don’t plan to, and you better not either.”

  “Laurel,” my mother’s voice is laced with distress.

  “Mom, please. I don’t want this.”

  “Humph, for someone that doesn’t want this it sure looked like you did when I walked into the room. I think the lady doth protest too much.”

  I roll my eyes, “No…I was just caught up in the moment.”

  My mom runs her hand over my hair, then pats my cheek before she stands. “Sounds to me like your afraid.”

  “I think I’ve earned the right to be, don’t you?”

  “Well sweetie, this is your life and your decision. All I can offer is not to take love for granted, because it may not be there when you come to your senses.”

  I don’t say anything, I just deflect my eyes away from her’s.

  “Okay, I get it,” she says, “Just think about it.”

  I nod.

  “Alright then…better get dressed now, we’ll all be waiting for you.”

  I watch my mother’s retreating form. Right now I want to be anywhere else but here, my world and my drama ready to be broadcast for ratings and my image. I don’t want to put on a brave face…I really don’t want to put on any kind of agreeable face, I hate the fact that I created this mess. This mess with Lily, Sam, my family, and now with the public. I missed the days when it was just Cammie and me. Her screaming at me to push myself further and me crying out in pain. Now I’ve sensationalized it…I made it be the spectacle it’s about to be. So I have no one to blame but myself.

  I sigh loudly and push my naked form from the bed and into my chair. I need to freshen up if I’m going to have cameras on me. Nancy told me to make this as real as it can be, so I opted out of hair and make up for today. So in an effort for this momentous occasion not to seem scripted, the American people will see me in my normal therapy attire which includes my hair tied up in a ponytail and no makeup. This will be as real as it gets…they won’t see the fashion plate they’re used to seeing…not today. Today, I’ll be bearing my vulnerable side…today, I’m just Laurel Matthews.

  When I push my chair through the threshold and into the therapy room, I’m blinded for a moment by flashes of light. I hear the applause thundering through the walls of this room and when my eyes can adjust I see my parents right away. They’re smiling big and clapping their hands together with vigor. Next to them, my brothers stand, Seth and Brian…I didn’t know they were coming home. I shake my head and smile at the stupid pinheads while they’re performing goofy dance moves. This was always their ‘go to’ when they knew I would be anxious or sad about something. I blow them a kiss, and they pretend to smack it away like it was an annoying bee or something.

  “Goofballs,” I say as I continue to look around the room.

  I see reporters from the Courier, the Herald, and the LA Times. I see my camera crew and Nancy leading the charge. I see Lily standing alone and off to the side, she has a bouquet of balloons in one hand and in the other roses. She is smiling at me and probably wants me to acknowledge her since she was introduced to the public as my girlfriend. I know I need to…but then I see Sam standing next to Cammie and my heart flutters. She is beaming. I can’t believe how beautiful she looks, then I recall what she did to me just a few hours ago. I feel the heat begin to rise in my cheeks and it causes me to look away. I guess you could call it a blush.

  I see Cammie walk toward me, “Okay, you ready to do this?”

  I nod my head, “I’m so afraid I won’t be able to do it.”

  “Laurel, your legs are much stronger. You’l
l be able to make it up that staircase. Just trust that I know what I’m doing…okay.”

  I nod my head again then roll my chair behind her as she walks over to the mock staircase that now is located in the center of the room. I guess this is because space was needed for all this commotion.

  “Can I have everyone’s attention,” Cammie yells out to quiet the room. “Okay..thank you.” She looks back at me and winks. “This staircase was created to assist in the rehabilitation for those who need to strengthen muscles and help with balance. Now, these four steps up with about a three to four step platform to a four-step descent is something that you or I could do without a problem, without assistance, and probably without even thinking about it. Right?”

  “This would be a simple task for us. However, for someone who is just learning how to walk again, for someone learning a simple motor function that we all take for granted…this task is going to be quite difficult and painful. Because not only does Laurel lack the mobility, but she also has only a third of the muscle tissue that we do, or what is considered to be normal range.”

  My heart began to beat faster the more Cammie speaks about my limitations. These are things I already know…but coming face to face with this aspect of it and knowing the strain and pain that will come with one step has me rethinking all this attention. Maybe I shouldn’t have made my first time doing this a public spectacle. But here I am…getting ready to do this and bare myself to the world.

  “Let me demonstrate,” Cammie says as she ascends the stairs, walks across the platform, and then descends the stairs.

  “Okay, now let’s give Laurel some encouragement as she prepares to climb her first step.”

  I wipe my sweaty hands on my yoga pants. I decided it was a good idea to wear ankle pants since I knew this was going to be televised. I didn’t want the world seeing my chicken legs. I push my chair toward the staircase, and as it gets closer, I feel as though it is some type of gauntlet ready to devour me. But I press on and keep the smile on my face. Even though I feel like I’m facing my torturer, I don’t want anyone to see my trepidation.

  My mother steps forward and crouches down. She can see the fear in my eyes and reaches a hand to comfort me by stroking my cheek. “Laurel, sweetie. I know how difficult this has been for you and I’m so proud of your resilience…look at how far you’ve come. You can do this.” She pats my cheek softly, “You have such amazing inner strength, and as hard as I know this is going to be for you, I completely believe that you’ll overcome it. Just like you’ve overcome every obstacle in your life.”

  “Thanks, mom,” I whisper. Then she kisses me on the cheek, stands, and walks away.

  Cammie and Sam flank me, each holding a forearm crutch. I see Nancy approach from the corner of my eye, she leans down and says, “don’t hold anything back.”

  I let out a cocky snort, “Don’t worry, I couldn’t even if I tried.”

  She backs away after Sam gives her a look which makes me grin.

  “Okay Laurel, take your time,” Sam says as she holds the crutch steady for me. There have only been a handful of times I’ve used these things, and I haven’t quite mastered getting out of my chair and standing without some fancy moves. Meaning my body gyrations…and they’re not fancy, just pathetic.

  “Laurel, how’s it feel to walk again?”

  I think how this is an asinine time to ask me a question, but I just smile and say, “Well, I can’t say what I do these days is walking unless you can count walking like the undead.”

  This gets a chuckle from the crowd, and I’m glad to have lightened the air around me a little bit. “But all kidding aside, I’m thrilled to be this far in my therapy. I’m very hopeful that I’ll get full mobility back and walk unassisted someday.”

  Cameras flash in my face, and I’m wondering again why they’re doing this now when I’m trying to get out of this chair.

  “Laurel, when do you think you’ll get back to California?”

  “As soon as I get my feet under me,” I say quickly as I push myself up with every ounce of strength I have in my legs. I grip onto the crutches and am thankful that Sam and Cammie have steadied me. I look over at Lily whose face has dropped, I guess because of the comment I just made. But she knew all this going in, she knew what my end game was…she knows who I am and I’ll never change that for anyone.

  I change my focus to the obstacle in front of me. My legs are shaking, and I’m not sure if it is because their weak or I’m nervous…maybe a little of both.

  “Let’s give Laurel a big round of applause,” Cammie says.

  Then the noise level rises up with the clapping of hands, whistles, and shouts of encouragement.

  “You got this baby,” Sam whispers in my ear.

  Then they both step away, and now I’m standing on my own holding on to these crutches for dear life. It’s not the first time I’ve done this…stood and took wobbly, clunky steps with these crutches. But right now I feel like this is life or death. I take a deep breath and try to tune out the racket around me. I concentrate on the staircase that is just a mere step in front of me. I shift my weight from one foot to the other, just trying to assess the balance and make sure before I push these crutches in front of me that my feet are firm and steady, and I’m ready to take that first step.

  One more deep breath, I close my eyes and summon some courage, but mostly pray. Pray that I can do this, pray that it won’t be as horrific as I think it will, and pray that I don’t make a fool of myself in front of all these people and the cameras.

  I push the crutches forward and take a step toward the first riser. Then without thinking I move the crutches up the first step and lift my right leg. Okay. That isn’t too bad, just like with all the weight and band training lifting my leg up isn’t too daunting. But I know the next step will be because when I lift my left leg to the step, all my weight is going to bear down on my right leg. And now as I push off, it is just as I suspect it would be, my knee cap feels like it’s about to dislodge.

  “I can do this,” I say to myself as I eye the next step and repeat the process.

  The strain I’m feeling on every muscle and joint in my body is intense, and the pain must be evident on my face because I see the look of horror on my mother’s. But I only stop for just a moment before I take that last step up. I’m not really sure I can, and now I think this was a ‘way’ bad idea. I should have never let Nancy talk me into this, ‘have them see the real Dr. Laurel…have them see you vulnerable, your popularity will skyrocket.’ These were her words, and now I could choke her with every single one of them.

  But I’m not a quitter, especially if there is an audience. So in my determination to take this last step to the platform, I lift my right leg and place it firmly on the step. Then with everything I have left in me I push up and lift my left leg as the pain was vocalized from my throat.

  I stand at the top of the staircase and look around. It is so quiet, I think I could probably hear a pin drop. I think everyone is stunned, maybe it’s because I screamed out in pain or maybe it’s because I’m white as a sheet and ready to throw up. However, to lighten the air, I turn toward the cameras and smile.

  “Well, that was easier than I thought it would be.” This gets another chuckle from the crowd, and they begin to applaud again.

  I turn my attention back to the task at hand. The cameras are laser focused on me, and the reporters launch into more pictures taking. I stare down at my feet as I begin to take very slow and painful steps to the end of the platform until I reach the stairs going down.

  I swallow hard because I know this is going to completely ruin my day, it will take everything I had planned today and toss it right out the window. Because I know that going down steps requires more muscle strength and puts more pressure on the knees. I look at the bottom of the stairs and see Sam and Cammie with the same look of concern on their faces. Sam mouths ‘are you okay?’ I nod my head, take another deep breath, and begin my descent. This is not going to be
as fancy as my ascent was, I’m sure I’ll resemble someone with MS, and I’ll be lucky if I don’t just collapse.

  By the time I reach the bottom I fall into Sam’s arms. My body is dripping with sweat, and every muscle I have is on fire, except for my legs…they have reached the twisting and the cramping on top of the inferno. She wraps her arms around me, pulls me tight as I scan the audience. Most of which have a gray pallor to their face, like they were watching my execution. I’m sure between the tears and the painful cries, it wasn’t fun to watch. But they applaud anyway. I hear shouts of congratulations from my dad and brothers. I even hear Lily whistle and yell out ‘good job.’

  I smile for the crowd and the cameras and give a thumbs up.

  “You did great baby,” Sam says as she eases me down into my chair.

  I sit there like a lump of clay because I have no strength to roll my chair even a foot. I have gone far beyond the point of muscle failure. I’m still heaving for breath, and I’m feeling very nauseated, so I haven’t completely ruled out vomiting.

  I hear questions being hurled at me, but I’m a bit foggy and really can’t make out what the reporters are asking. My legs are really seizing up now, my hands grip onto my legs as my head drops back to allow a shriek to bellow past my lips. Cammie spins my chair around and pushes me toward the first-aid station. Sam lifts me onto the cot, but when she tries to close the partition, Nancy rips it open.

  I see Sam and Nancy begin to get into it. I can’t hear what they’re saying, but Sam looks like she is ready to deck Nancy. Right now I’m in too much pain to get involved. Cammie closes the curtain and proceeds to give me an injection.

  “This is a muscle relaxant and will work pretty quickly, so you should start to feel a little relief in about thirty seconds.”

  She was right about that, the pain simmered down a bit and I’m able to take a deep breath. It is then I can feel her stick my hand with something sharp which causes me to look down in confusion.