“Really…faking it? Were you faking the coke you snorted or the chick that went down on you? While I watched, I might add. Do you know what it was like for me to see the woman that I loved, the woman I was longing for…eating my fucking heart out for!” Her voice raises to a decibel that actually makes me wince.
“Do you know what it was like to watch you do something so irresponsible like snorting cocaine? Do you know how sickening it was for me to see that whore go down on you? Oh, while another chick was there ready to join the party.”
“I’m sorry,” I say as my gaze finds the floor again.
“You should be!” She yells. “I was heartbroken. It actually made me physically ill. And it was then I knew I had to get you out of my system. I needed to let you go. And by God, I did…I finally was able to have a day where my heart didn’t ache…where my eyes weren’t sore from crying.”
I’m starting to get angry, “Oh, I know the pain well. I’ve been there, remember. I cried over you for two fucking years.”
“Humph, well then. I guess I had this coming, right?”
“No, that’s not what I meant.”
She pushes the tears from her cheeks, “Then what did you mean?”
I feel the wetness on my cheeks as my own tears begin to fall. This is not what I had imagined at all. I fantasized that she would be there waiting and we would fall into each other’s arms. But I’m not so idealistic not to think of the other side of the coin. But I never imagined this.
“I’m so sorry I hurt you, Sam. And I can’t say that I never meant to because, in the beginning, I did. But I’m here now, telling you that I love you and I want you back. I know that is hypocritical of me. I know that, but here I am…asking.”
She stands there for a moment, her face is twisted in pain and sadness. All I want to do at the moment is pull her into an embrace and try to make it all better. But I’m afraid to take a step closer to her, afraid she will say the words and really destroy my hopes. And all I’m thinking right this minute is ‘please don’t tell me you don’t love me.’ I don’t think I could take it….not again.
“You know…” She clears her throat and sits on the edge of the bed. “You told me to move on. You told me it wouldn’t work, that you would never trust me with your heart again. So I did. I moved on.”
My stomach actually drops, and I fight the urge to bend at the waist trying to allay the pain. I can’t believe this is happening. I waited too long, I ruined everything. My heart is crushed, and I feel like my world just ended. All I want is rewind and to go back to Camden. To not have gotten on that plane.
My silent tears turn to sobs. “Is there something I can say right now to make you change your mind?
Sam shakes her head, “I’m sorry Laurel. But it’s too late.”
“No,” I say as I drop to my knees and latch onto her waist. “I’m so sorry, Sam.”
“Laurel, let go of me.”
I can’t right now, I can’t let her go. “Please don’t let this be the end.”
She pulls me up into an embrace, and I cling tightly before pressing my lips to hers once again. But I feel her resisting and pushing me back until she slides out from under me and stands up in a huff.
“Dammit, Laurel.”
“Sam, please. I love you.” I’m sitting on the edge of the bed looking up at her with pleading eyes. “Don’t you love me anymore?”
I can see agony mixed with anger written on her face, “No…I can’t. It’s over, I’ve moved on. I’ve…”
With that, I hear a knock on the door. I think it’s my mother, maybe she heard the yelling, or maybe she heard the crying. I think this might be a good thing, I know how much my mother wants us to reconcile. But that thought quickly fades when I hear a voice I don’t recognize.
“Sorry babe. The call ran longer than I thought.”
I watch as another version of me wraps her arms around Sam’s neck and proceed to kiss her.
Sam quickly pulls out of the embrace and stands to the side, so this other woman can get a glimpse of me sitting on the edge of the bed sobbing like a fool.
She looks at me, then looks at Sam who also still had tears streaming down her face.
“Am I interrupting something?”
“Um…Bernadette, this is Laurel. Seth’s and Brian’s sister.”
Her eyes go wide, and now I know she knows I’m much more than the graduates’ sister. And right now I want to…no, I need to throw up. I try to smile as I stand up and take a step forward with an extended hand while I clear my throat.
“Um, very nice to meet you, Bernadette,” I say then I glance one more time into those blue eyes before I turn to walk out of their room.
I close and lock the doors between the two rooms, then I fall to my knees and begin to sob into my hands.
Now I know why my mother was so weird in the car. This is what she wanted to tell me, to warn me about. I just wish I would have listened.
Chapter Twenty-Three
S o I guess it goes without saying that the graduation party was excruciating. Having to watch Sam and that woman together made me sick. But I endured the pain with a smile on my face, even though inside I was dying. And as mad as I was, it wasn’t directed to Sam. How could I mad at her? She didn’t do anything wrong. She only did what I told her to do and I pretty much cemented that when I foolishly called her on New Year’s Eve.
I can’t even begin to know why in the hell I did that…I guess I was thinking about her so hard and wishing she was there, that in my drunken and coked-up state, I thought it was a good idea.
My parents are heading back to the airport, and I’m in the backseat because, of course, my father insists on driving. I opt to stay in Florida for a little longer. I don’t have it in me to fly home and be in the same town with the woman I love now that she’s with someone else and seems pretty smitten.
My plan is after I drop them off, to drive down the West Coast of this state and check out the Gulf. I’ve never been there before, but I think I’ll enjoy the change. My brothers left on an earlier flight to Los Angeles for their two-week venture in my condo. I did give specific instructions not to destroy it since it’s still on the market. I’m not changing those plans. I’m really leaving that life behind. There is nothing left for me in that city. Really there is nothing left for me in any city. Maybe that’s why I’m staying here.
My mother tried to explain to me why she never told me about Sam and her new girlfriend. She claimed it was to spare my feelings, which I thought was a lame excuse. But I guess she didn’t want to get in the middle of it. I made my feelings pretty well known by leaving and picking up on my old ways. Sam certainly deserves to be happy. I was just hoping it would be with me.
I hug my mother tight as she and my dad get ready to walk into the airport. It wasn’t the best week of my life, but I can say with all sincerity that I enjoyed spending time with my family. Made me feel like a kid again. Sam and Bernadette didn’t stay the entire week, so they weren’t on our family excursion. They left the day after the party, in part I was thankful…but I was also miserable.
I watch as my parents walk into the airport, then get back into the Jeep and pull away. I have the top rolled back as I hit Interstate 10. I know it’s a long way to Marco Island, but after seeing the pictures, all I can think about is the peace and serenity that awaits. And a place where I can begin to mourn Sam…again.
It’s been about six weeks since I’ve moved my world into the Marco Beach Front Condominium Community. Luxury condos with two tennis courts, three pools, a deli, café, luncheonette, lobby bar, and two high-end restaurants. All the comforts any hoity-toity, pompous douchebag like myself, would enjoy. Truth is I really didn’t need a Luxury condo for just me, but I just wasn’t ready to be just a commoner again. I needed to pamper, spoil, and indulge myself after my pride and my heart had once again been obliterated.
I guess another reason was, I wanted the room to mope around and feel sorry for myself. But that only
lasted about a week and a half, after that, I fell into self-reflection and self-awareness mode. It wasn’t easy for me to own up to my mistakes and realize that I wasn’t a victim anymore. I used to be a victim. A victim of a broken heart and a victim of paralysis caused by gunshots. But now…I can’t play the victim anymore. I can’t punish others for their past sins any longer. Because past is the operative word and my past is so much more judge-able.
I couldn’t blame Sam for not wanting to concede and just give me what I wanted. Everything was always on my timetable. I had gotten too impressed with myself and my own celebrity that I just assumed everyone else would just do what I wanted when I wanted it. After all, it had been that way for so long, I had forgotten I wasn’t the center of the universe. I can say it is a bitter pill to swallow knowing what an asshole I’ve been. It is my own stupid fault I lost Sam. I need to stop crying, stop going over and over and over what happened in Camden last year. And I have to stop with regret and move on. Not sure how, but I guess I have time…plenty of time to figure it out.
I’m watching the sun go down over the Gulf of Mexico as I’ve been doing every night since I’ve been here, and it is an incredible sight. Yes, I’ve seen hundreds of sunsets over the Pacific, and I won’t take away from their beauty. But there is something to be said about the way the sun dips down over the calm, emerald waters of the Gulf. It is so peaceful and quiet, I can actually hear myself take a breath which I’ve enjoyed hearing. Most of the fog has lifted from my brain, I think mostly I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I’ve also accepted that Sam has moved on and I’m happy for her. Well maybe not ‘happy’ happy, but I want her to be happy, so that will have to suffice. Now I can actually ponder about my future without regretting my past.
After the sun went down I poured myself another glass of wine, I felt such peace that I wasn’t ready for bed, however, when I finally pulled myself away from the moon and the stars it was such a great feeling to drift off to sleep without lamenting over the past.
The next morning I awake with a strange vigor. The sun rises over the East, so it didn’t wake me…it was my excitement. I push myself from the mattress and head for the terrace, so I can take in the Gulf during the early morning as I have every day I’ve been here. It’s just as quiet as it was at midnight, except now a few people are milling about on the beach. I see some contraption that is raking the sand up. Scraping away any seaweed which has washed up overnight and leveling the beautiful white sands. A cool sea breeze washes over me, and I’m chilled for just a moment before the sun warms the air again.
The waterfowl are in full swing, flying and squawking about. The sounds are just so intoxicating, and so is the aroma of the sea air wafting up to me. It is so serene and peaceful that I think the voices in my brain have finally left me alone. And to top it off, I think they only words I have spoken were to a waiter. I don’t even think I’ve said a word aloud to myself. I have to say it is nice not having to listen to my own voice for a while.
I hear the coffee pot gurgle, so I know the fresh ‘special’ brew I bought is finished and I can really go for a cup of the steaming liquid and a croissant. I wander out to the terrace with my breakfast ritual of late. I’m just so mesmerized by the beauty of the Gulf coast. I think I may purchase this condo and live here. No rush to get back to Camden and I can’t think of a better place to lay my head at night. Besides that, I’m thinking about writing another book. I need to tell my story. The one of how a gunman, a bullet, and a wheelchair turned my life around or maybe a better way to say it would be….woke my ass up.
I can’t seem to take my eyes off the beautiful view, and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m sitting five stories up watching the wonders of the beach when I can be down there enjoying a walk along the water. So, I head to the bedroom to dig something out of my suitcase to wear. I just started unpacking because I wasn’t sure I was staying, but now I am. I think a fresh start with a clean slate will be the best thing for me at this point.
I toss on a sports bra, biker shorts, and leave my feet bare. I figured I don’t need much more clothing than this and besides, I think there will be some swimming in my very near future. That clear emerald water is calling my name. However, before I get halfway to the front door, I hear my cell ring and cringe. I wasn’t going to carry it with me, in fact, I’m on a no phone…no social media cleanse. I need to be off grid, so I can get back to me and find myself again. The real me that is, not this fake-ass version of a woman I was in LA. But I did tell my parents to call me if it was an emergency.
So I double back to the end table where my phone is on the charging jack and pick it up to see who’s calling. Because if it isn’t my mother, the call will be getting ignored and I’ll be out the door to enjoy the beach which is calling my name pretty loudly right now. But the ID does identify that the caller is, in fact, my mother.
I sigh loudly before I answer, “Hello,”
“Laurel, you need to get home right now.”
No ‘hello,’ no ‘how are you…how is Florida’, and just for a moment I feel transported back in time to when I was in trouble, but I shake myself out of the reverie and respond, “Why? Is everything okay?”
“No…Laurel. Something terrible has happened.”
In that second my heart rate starts to pick up speed, “Oh God! Is it dad…the boys.”
I can hear the distress in her voice, and I feel like I’m about to come out of my skin,
“No…it’s, it’s Sam.”
“What?” I hear my voice echo as my legs are slowly turning to jelly and I think I’m going to drop to my knees at any moment.
“Is she okay?” I couldn’t bear the thought of my mother giving me horrible news that Sam was dead. I don’t know if I would be able to live with that knowledge.
“She’s gonna marry that girl, Bernadette. You have to get home and stop it.”
Suddenly my breath is sucked from my lungs. I try to speak but begin to choke instead. Tears instantly form in my eyes as my brain utter the words, final nail in the coffin.
Trying to mask the quiver in my voice, I say, “What do you think I can do about it?”
“Laurel, I have waited six years for you to come to your senses and give that girl another chance. She loves you.”
“Mom, when I saw her last month she told me it was too late. She had moved on and from what I witnessed at the boy's party that night was a girl who looked quite smitten.”
“I don’t care…I know she still loves you,” my mother says with urgency in her voice.
“Well, I put myself out there for her. Told her that I wanted another chance and she shot me down. There is nothing else I can do.”
“Laurel, don’t be so obtuse. I think she was testing you, she wanted you to fight for her. She doesn’t love that other girl…not like she loves you.”
I’m sitting on the couch now because my legs were definitely ready to go out from under me. My elbows are resting on my knees, and I’m doing everything I can at the moment not to fall apart.
“And you know this how, mom?”
“When she told me…she had tears in her eyes. Like it was something she didn’t want to do. I asked her why she was doing it and you know what she told me?”
“No…what?” I’m sniffing back the runniness from my nose as I push tears from my cheeks.
“She wants stability…she wants a family. I told her those are not reasons to marry someone, love is. I told her she didn’t love this girl and she shouldn’t marry her.”
“Mom…”
“Laurel, listen. She doesn’t love her, she couldn’t tell me she did. She just kept saying that not all love is hot and heavy. Some love is comfortable. That is bullshit, and you know it…she loves you.”
“What if I come up there? What if I throw myself at her again and she tells me to get lost again? What do I do then, mom? I can’t force her to be with me.”
“Laurel…listen to me. I didn’t raise you to give up on things so easily. I rai
sed you to be strong and brave, and to not back down from something you want.”
“But…”
“No…I said, listen to me, sweetie. I saw it in you both the first time…that type of love, you know what I mean. The kind to rip the heart out of your chest, love so deep that it’s in the marrow of your bones and is utterly impossible to live without. And I saw it in you again after the accident.”
I start to chuckle through the tears, “Wow, mom. Seems like you should have been the psychiatrist.”
I hear her laugh through the phone, “I’ll leave all that brain stuff to you, dear. But in all seriousness, what do you have to lose?”
I think for a minute as I look around at this beautiful condo. I look out through the floor to ceiling windows and into the blue sky. I know what Camden, Maine brings in October; weather that is fickle and storms that are destructive. I’m not sure I can face it right now…now just when I’m starting to feel normal again.
“When is the wedding?” I ask because I’m not sure I was going to fly up there to beg Sam for her heart again. But I’m hoping I have time to think about it.
“Next Saturday.”
I feel the color drain from my face, “Why in the world did you wait so long to tell me?”
“Laurel…Sam just told me this morning. She said, she didn’t know how to tell me, but she wants me there. I called you as soon as she left.”
“Well, you two are besties…you should be there.”
The vigor I once had racing through my veins has diminished and with it…my hope. All I want to do now is drown myself in a bottle of wine and sleep the pain away.
“I can’t go and support her in this…I told her as much. I told her the same thing I’m telling you. She didn’t deny it, Laurel. She can’t. So get your ass on a plane and get back here now.”
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