She’d sworn Cora to secrecy, hoping the maid was loyal enough to keep quiet about Lettie’s whereabouts. She hadn’t told her the full truth—that she was visiting Nathaniel’s home—only that she was visiting a friend. A twinge of guilt nudged at her for the small lie. But Nathaniel was a friend of sorts, at least she liked to think so.
“Good afternoon, miss.” Dibbles greeted her at the door with a smile—something she thought might be rare for him based on its tightness.
“And to you, Dibbles. The captain requested I visit.”
“Of course.” He showed her into the library. “Captain Hawke will be with you shortly.”
“How is Alice faring?” she asked, worried the girl had worsened.
“Continuing to improve. I believe she’s resting at the moment.”
“I will visit with her after I speak with the captain.” Lettie breathed a sigh of relief at the news, but couldn’t stop wondering why Nathaniel wanted to see her. Expecting him to walk in at any moment, she sat in one of the tufted chairs before the desk, waiting patiently. But as the minutes ticked by, curiosity got the best of her, and she rose to wander about the room.
Few personal effects were displayed. A brass statue of a ship rising high on the crest of a ferocious wave. A china figurine of a dog that looked eagerly at something in the distance. The books on the shelves were much like the ones in her father’s library, covering a wide variety of topics. The most prevalent were those on the sea. She wondered if he missed being on board a ship or if he was pleased to be home on solid ground. She made a mental note to ask when she had a chance.
A small sitting area graced the space near the fireplace, the wine-colored fabric covering the chairs and matching settee appropriate for a man’s study. A desk and chairs took up the other end of the room near the window.
Listening for any sounds coming from the hall, she moved closer to study his desk. The black walnut had simple yet elegant lines. Not so massive that it took up the entire room, but large enough to provide sufficient space to work.
She glanced out the window and saw her own carriage waiting a short distance away. She’d requested the footman to avoid waiting directly in front of Nathaniel’s home, not wanting to take any chances.
Sheets of correspondence of some sort lay on the desk. The bold, strong strokes of the letters made her certain it was Nathaniel’s writing. A drawer was several inches ajar. Gold glinted off the objects inside, catching her eye. A closer look revealed ribbons as well, and she realized they were military medals.
She stared at the contents, wanting to examine them. Yet it seemed like a terrible intrusion to do so. Nathaniel was a private person. She had no right to look closer but couldn’t help herself. Why would he tuck away the medals?
With another wary glance at the door, she eased open the drawer another inch to study them. There were easily a dozen medals inside. She couldn’t tell what they were for, nor did she know much about the military, but she knew they didn’t give everyone medals simply for participating. What had he done to earn so many, and why didn’t he display them in a case as most men would?
The quantity of awards suggested he’d taken the same ridiculous risks in the Navy as he did on the streets of London. The very idea gave her the shivers.
“I’m sorry to have kept you waiting.” He strode into the room, only to stop short when he saw her near the open drawer.
“What are these?” No longer concerned with getting caught snooping, she lifted one out, holding up the medal. Guilt shot through her at his tight expression, but she pushed it back, wanting to understand why these were hidden away.
~*~
“Searching through the drawers of my desk?” Nathaniel shook his head as embarrassment flooded him. “I must say I’m surprised.”
“The drawer was ajar,” she quickly responded.
“I suppose I have Dibbles to thank for that.” It would be just like the man to leave Letitia alone in the library long enough for her to have discovered the open drawer.
He forced himself to step forward despite the discomfiture sweeping through him. The medals were kept in the drawer for a reason. He didn’t want anyone to see them. They were reminders of his many attempts to make a difference, to somehow prove to himself and his father that he mattered.
Unfortunately, none of his efforts had proven successful. He still hadn’t been able to convince himself that he mattered. His achievements in the Navy had certainly never impressed his father. Even Letitia’s mother had made it clear that second sons didn’t count.
“Do these mean what I think they mean?” she asked.
“They mean nothing.” He walked closer to take the one she held, return it to the drawer, and firmly shut it.
“I disagree.” She lifted her chin as though daring him to argue.
That gesture stole his breath. Or perhaps it was the way the light in her eyes shone into his soul, casting away the darkness, the doubt. Making him feel as if he truly did matter. She believed in him, worried over him. The knowledge had him swallowing hard.
“You were awarded those for bravery. For taking risks. For saving lives. How can you say they don’t matter?” She opened the drawer again to stare at them, touching several.
He couldn’t take his eyes off her fingers as they ran along the medals, wishing her hands were on him instead.
“Nathaniel, you are a hero.” She whispered the words reverently as she looked up at him.
“No. I merely did what the task required.” He couldn’t meet her eyes, not wanting to see the disappointment in them when she realized the truth. The commendations meant nothing.
She turned to him, lifting her arms around his shoulders. “They mean something. If not to you, then to the others you aided. Why do you deny it?”
He shook his head, unable to explain.
“You’re doing the same thing now that you’ve returned home. You should be relaxing and enjoying yourself after all you sacrificed during your time in the service. Instead, you’re once again risking your life to save others.”
“Hardly. Those girls are the ones whose lives are at risk. They matter.”
“So do you.” She took his face in her hands, forcing him to look into her eyes. “Nathaniel, you matter.”
He closed his eyes, hardly able to bear to hear those words. Yet slowly, despite his denial, they sunk deep inside him. To think he mattered, at least to her, was a tremendous gift. One he didn’t quite know how to manage.
“You matter to me.” She lifted up on her toes and kissed him.
This he could manage. He drew her into his arms and returned the kiss, well aware of the passion that simmered within him whenever she was near, and even when she wasn’t. He lingered long over the sweet taste of her, drawing comfort from the feel of her in his arms. She felt so good there, heating him from the inside out.
Her tongue met his as he deepened the kiss. The problems ahead of them fell away as he indulged his desire. Somehow when Letitia was with him, he felt whole. And when she kissed him, he felt far more. She drew back and held his gaze once more, the emotion shining in her eyes causing him to catch his breath. What was that in the depths? Faith? In him?
He released her, uncomfortable at the thought. Once again, he’d become distracted in her presence. He needed to focus on the reason he’d asked her to come. It certainly hadn’t been to show her the medals. Dibbles had to stop interfering.
“I wanted to speak with you,” he began, still uncertain how best to raise the subject without giving her the wrong idea. In truth, he wasn’t certain what her reaction would be. Yet they couldn’t continue on as they had been.
“Is it Alice? Dibbles said she was doing well.”
“She continues to improve.” He took her hand, closing the drawer before leading her to the settee before the fireplace. “I hope she’ll be able to join her family within the next two days.”
“That is excellent news. Unfortunately, I was less than successful on my quest for
information on the book.”
He nodded. “These things take time. I didn’t expect immediate results.”
Her head tilted to the side as she studied him. “What is it?”
The clever words he needed to convince her to see his side of the situation had not yet come to him. He could only hope they would trip off his tongue as he spoke. “It has come to my attention that we can’t continue seeing each other the way we have without it harming your reputation.”
A blush stained her cheeks. “I don’t understand.”
“It seems our conversations are starting to draw attention. Even my brother has noted that you’re one of the few people I speak with at social events.” He shook his head. “If my brother noticed, you can be assured others have as well.”
She frowned. “I can hardly believe that. It’s not as if this is my first Season. I’m practically on the shelf. Those rules don’t really apply to me.”
“Of course they do. You’re an attractive woman of marriageable age.”
She stared at him as though he’d lost his mind.
He closed his eyes for a moment to keep his patience. “Despite your view, you must rely on my experience in this matter.”
“Is this a way for you to force me to stop my attempts to help others?” She folded her arms across her chest. “I’m warning you now not to bother. I am determined to continue to help with or without you.”
“Yes, I’m well aware of that,” he answered dryly. The woman was a force of nature when she set her mind to a course. He drew a breath to gather his thoughts. “I have a suggestion for your consideration. It will allow us to continue working together, perhaps even more closely, without drawing unwanted attention. And it will protect your reputation.”
Her eyes narrowed. “It sounds too good to be true. What is it?”
“I suggest that we become engaged...” He did his best to set aside his personal feelings for her to focus on the practical aspects of his proposal. This was a business arrangement after all. “On a temporary basis.”
She stilled at his words. “Engaged?” The word was but a whisper. The way she said the term made it sound as though she was pronouncing it for the first time.
“An engagement would allow us to proceed with our investigation without drawing unwanted attention. Your mother’s worries would be calmed, for the most part, though I fear my status as a second son is undesirable compared to what she’d hoped for her eldest daughter.”
“What?” She appeared confused at his explanation. Or was it his proposal that puzzled her?
“I’m merely suggesting that while I’m not the ideal candidate for your hand, perhaps she would find it acceptable.”
Letitia continued to stare at him as though he’d grown two heads.
“Once we’ve accomplished our mission, you would end the engagement, claiming whatever reason you wish, and we would proceed with our lives.”
“A temporary engagement.” She said the words carefully, as though still absorbing the concept.
He watched her closely, trying to determine her reaction, nerves chasing down his spine at the thought of her refusing him. “This arrangement would be the best way to stop others from concerning themselves with the amount of time we spend together.”
“Forgive me. I’ve never been proposed to before. It’s a bit much to take in.” She rose and walked toward the desk, her back to him.
Remorse filled him. He hadn’t given any thought to that possibility. After all, he wasn’t experienced in proposing. “Surely you’ve received other offers.”
“Actually, I haven’t.” She turned to face him again, but her pale face didn’t ease his concern. “I must say, I didn’t think it would be quite like this.”
“Consider it more as a business arrangement.” Why did the description sound less than satisfactory to him when he’d convinced himself earlier it was the best option?
Her mouth tightened, causing something to shift in his chest. “A temporary one,” she repeated in a breathy voice.
“Yes.” Odd, but his confirmation didn’t seem to reassure her either. What was going on in that mind of hers?
“Yet we would have to act as though it were real,” she continued, her hand trembling as she raised it to touch her chest. Surely her heart wasn’t pounding as hard as his.
“Yes, I suppose we would. Perhaps we could tell your family we have not yet set a date. That way, they wouldn’t begin to plan the event.”
“I’m afraid you’ll have to give me some time to consider all the ramifications of this.” Her cheeks were flushed as she held his gaze for the briefest moment. If he didn’t know better, he’d think her eyes held a stricken look, but that made no sense.
“Certainly. I wouldn’t want to pressure you into any sudden decision that you would come to regret.” In all honesty, he was puzzled by her reaction. He’d explained it was a business arrangement. Didn’t she understand he was a mere second son and not a worthy husband for many reasons?
Or perhaps that was the problem.
The hollow feeling engulfing him as she quickly said goodbye and walked out the door was a sharp contrast to what he’d felt earlier. The emptiness left in her wake was something with which he should be familiar, as was the disappointment. But this felt different—far worse.
She took the light with her when she left, leaving him alone in shadows once more.
~*~
Lettie moved through the rest of the day as though in a trance. She felt numb, unable to process even the simplest information.
Part of her wanted to shut herself in her room and cry. How could the moment she’d dreamed of, that she’d nearly given up on ever happening, have gone so wrong?
A temporary business arrangement?
No, she wanted to scream.
She saw Nathaniel’s logic. Even her mother had noted Nathaniel’s attentions, and that was saying much. Rarely did her mother’s focus shine its beacon on her. If his brother, whom she had yet to meet, had also noted it, then they did indeed have a problem.
She wasn’t willing to stop her quest. Nor did she care to do it alone. Her attempts to do so had proven futile and dangerous. She supposed she could try once again to involve her father.
But she wanted Nathaniel.
In more than one way.
And that was truly the heart of the problem, she realized with a shaky breath. Her feelings for Nathaniel deepened each day. The way he touched her, the way he made her feel when she was in her arms, had given her hope their relationship was growing into something more, something deeper.
He’d dashed all that with his proposal. No, she refused to call it that. It was a business arrangement. Nothing more. Her hurt at the truth was difficult to conceal.
As the remainder of the day proceeded with her helping her sisters with this and that, Lettie tried to determine her answer. With each hour that passed, she attempted to narrow her options.
She could refuse, but she was convinced that response would remove Nathaniel from her life. He would walk away without looking back, of that she had no doubt.
She could accept his proposal and the risks that went along with it. Those risks were so high. Could she keep her heart whole if she agreed? Or would she be left in pieces when the engagement ended?
She could accept but suggest conditions of her own. But what would she demand?
Her breath caught.
No, she couldn’t. Could she?
Yet her future as a spinster stretched out endlessly before her. Proposing such an arrangement would be far riskier. The chances of her refraining from becoming even more emotionally involved were slim. None in fact.
“Lettie, dear, is something wrong?” her mother asked as they assisted Rose prepare for the ball that evening.
Her question was tempting and, for a moment, Lettie considered sharing all of her concerns with her. But a glance at her face made her decide against it. Somehow, Lettie was certain the concern marking her expression wasn’t truly
for her. Oh, she knew well enough that her mother loved her in her own way, but the days when she might’ve confessed her dilemma had long since passed. Unless the issue pertained to Rose and her duke, nothing Lettie said would truly interest her mother.
“I have a bit of a headache is all,” she lied.
“Very well,” her mother said with some relief. “Will you find the hairpin with the blue stones? I think that will match Rose’s gown perfectly.”
“Of course.” Lettie turned to leave.
“Lettie?” Rose called out. “Do sit and rest. I am perfectly capable of finding the pin myself.” Rose squeezed Lettie’s shoulder as she hurried past her out of the room before their mother could protest.
“Whatever is wrong with Rose?” her mother asked.
Lettie couldn’t stop her smile at the warmth that filled her at Rose’s concern. “If you’ll excuse me, Mother, I believe I’ll follow Rose’s suggestion and rest in my room.”
She’d only been resting in her room for a short while before she decided she would’ve been better off staying busy. Indecision continued to plague her. At the knock at her door, she said, “Come in.”
Dalia opened the door, balancing a tray in her hand.
“What are you doing?” Lettie asked at the odd sight.
Her sister scowled at her. “I would think it obvious. I’m bringing you tea.”
Lettie could only stare at her.
“What?” Dalia asked.
“I’m thoroughly confused by your behavior.”
Dalia sat the tray on the bedside table and poured a cup, adding a bit of sugar, just as Lettie preferred it. “You seemed out of sorts earlier, and Rose told me you had a headache. I thought you might like some tea.”
Lettie sat up on her bed to take the cup and saucer Dalia held. “That was very thoughtful of you.” She couldn’t keep the incredulous note out of her voice. Dalia had never done such a thing before.
Dalia sighed. “Rose and I were speaking earlier. We both agreed that we take you for granted. You are always so generous with your time and never ask anything in return. The least we could do is show some concern when you’re not feeling well.”
Loving the Hawke (The Seven Curses of London Book 1) Page 19