by J. A. Howell
“I'm sorry I went through your office. I guess I was just hoping to find clues about what happened to Jamie.” Another lie slipped past his lips. He already knew, he had only hoped for proof.
“Those were my things... you went through my things! I don't care what you were hoping to find.” Her voice rose. Even if she wanted closure just as much as he did, it didn’t excuse what he had done.
“I know Dillan...you don't know how sorry I am for doing it. You had them locked away for a reason...”
“And then you dragged it all back out.” She pushed him away from her. “If you hadn't done that, I wouldn't have gotten so upset. I wouldn't have taken so much of my medicine. I wouldn’t have forgotten to finish my work and gotten fired today!”
“Dillan... you had every right to be pissed off last night. But nobody forced you to take so many pills that you passed out until the next day. You were asleep for at least fourteen hours by my estimates.” He said as he placed her foot back down on the floor. “I highly doubt you were following your doctor's recommended dosage.” He paused, watching her expression soften slightly. She knew he was right.
“And speaking of your doctor, if you were trying to get better, why do you keep canceling your appointments? I saw her email.”
“You son of a bitch! You went through my computer too?!” Dillan shoved him, knocking him off balance and causing him to fall backwards against the floor as she pulled herself up and hobbled toward the living room. Trey scrambled to his feet following after her.
“I did. Your email account popped open when I went to use your computer and I happened to see an email from your therapist.” He blocked her from walking away from him, putting a hand against the wall in front of her. “You can be mad at me if you want...because I'm not sorry I read it.” Dillan turned to move in the opposite direction but he quickly pressed his other hand against the wall on that side of her, trapping her in.
“You need help Dillan... I see just how much you rely on the meds, and the drinking. It's hard to hide these things from a former drug addict.”
“I’m not some stupid drug addict.” Her eyes narrowed at him as she turned to face him.
“I'm not calling you one Dillan... I just hate watching you continue to hurt yourself in an attempt to numb the pain of what’s happened to you.” His tone was serious as he spoke. “I know that you really loved my brother. And I know you watched him die in your arms. And I can't even begin to imagine the horrible scars that those events have left on you, both emotionally and mentally.” Dillan whimpered as a few tears rolled down her cheek. Just hearing him say it, actually acknowledging what she had gone through that night was too much for her. She tried to turn her face away from his intense gaze, but he didn’t let her. He gently pressed his palm against her cheek as he stared into her eyes.
“Just from what my brother wrote to me about you, I know he really, really loved you. I know he was crazy about you. And it would break his heart to see you doing this to yourself. He wouldn't want you to stop living, stop feeling...”
Trey's voice strained as he spoke. These were things he himself would never get to experience. Especially not now. As he spoke, the pain of his own words stung at his heart as her amber eyes stared back at him, no longer angry but full of anguish.
“Look, I know you were hoping to get married, and that the whole ‘till death do us part’ thing wouldn't come for a long time...but sometimes it does. We find out that all that time we thought we had with the ones we love was really only mere minutes, and everything we had planned to do or planned to say to them, has slipped through our grasp....but that’s no reason to let your own life slip away.” He said as he held her gaze.
Her pained expression smoothed for a moment as she processed his words. Everyone had tried to find the silver lining for her after Jamie had died. Always tried to get her to avoid thinking about it or dealing with it. Trying over and over to get her to move on.
But not Trey. His words cut into her, exposing all that she had so intricately and painstakingly kept hidden deep inside. Everything was laid out, in all its grotesque and painful glory. Jamie had been torn away from her, and as unfair as it was, those were the cards that she was dealt. No amount of pills or drinks would ever change that fact. When they wore off, she would still be here, and so would the pain.
Dillan’s face contorted as she finally allowed herself to release everything she had been holding inside. Her shoulders crumbled forward as she pressed her face against Trey’s chest, her tears spilling out onto his already damp shirt. Trey wrapped his arms around her, holding her close to him as her small frame shook with sobs. He gently ran his fingers through her hair, his movements cautious and unsure, only wanting to comfort her.
Dillan clung to him tightly as she wept, her fingers interlacing over the back of his neck. Neither spoke for several minutes. Trey rocked her gently, remaining silent, the slow rhythmic sound of his breathing soothed her.
Finally, her tears quieted and she lifted her head from Trey's chest, looking up at him. He opened his blue eyes, staring back at Dillan, his arms still loosely wrapped around her. His hair was damp from the rain, and some of it fell into his eyes. Trey seemed to have a strange but calming effect on Dillan, just as he had the other night on the dance floor. Despite her conflicted feelings about Trey, there was an energy between them she couldn’t help but notice when he was this close. Was it the whole twin connection? It wasn’t the same as when she was in Jamie’s arms. Was it just something that was unique to Trey? Either way, it was a comforting warmth that she found herself lost in. She wanted nothing more than to hate him right now, but she found it impossible.
Her hand softly brushed the hair from his eyes and Trey’s breathing froze at the touch of her fingertips. He closed his eyes for a moment and leaned his cheek against her hand as it lingered. Heat spread over his body as his entranced gaze met hers.There was no mistaking that he felt a similar calm as he held her close. It was a feeling he had always yearned for, something he had envied as he watched others live their happy lives, oblivious to his lonely existence.
The feel of his stubbled chin brushing roughly against her hand sent a tingling down her spine, and she found her fingers gently stroking his jaw. He stared into her eyes, unable to rip his attention away, unable to move. Every fiber of his being screamed that this was wrong. The sensations and shivers that seeped down to his core sent his emotions reeling. Each breath he took was heavy and restrained as he closed his eyes and let his lips brush against her fingertips.
Dillan’s mind compressed and jumbled together. What am I doing? This is all wrong. She wanted to scream it, but the words refused to go past her throat. The feeling of his soft lips against her fingers awakened vaguely familiar responses in her that had grown foreign with Jamie’s absence.
Trey’s lips moved within centimeters of Dillan’s before he managed to pull himself away. I can’t do this. I need to tell her.
“Dillan…I” Her lips crushed against his before Trey could finish his sentence. His resolve melted away, as his lips reacted to hers. Trey’s body folded over hers, backing Dillan against the wall as his hunger for her grew.
“Dillan, we can’t,” He whispered against her earlobe as his lips moved down her neck. He was unconvincing to even himself. As much as Trey knew this was wrong, he could no longer resist the pull he felt towards her, or the feelings that had started to develop since they had first met. Despite his warning she made no motion to move away from him. Dillan tangled her fingers into his hair, pulling his face back up to hers as she kissed him again. Her mouth was hot against his, and Trey could still taste the alcohol on her lips. He knew she wasn’t in complete control.
This is wrong.
“We can't...” he protested, moaning against her mouth. Even as he said the words, he knew he couldn't obey them. He didn't want to. Millions of tiny bolts of electricity shot through him at the feeling of her body against his. He was powerless against such an overwhelming nee
d.
Dillan pulled away from Trey's grasp for a moment, and he breathed in deeply, relief washing over him. Maybe she realized it too. But as her eyes opened and she looked him over in a glassy haze, he knew there was no stopping this. Neither of them quite knew what was happening between them, only that they didn’t want to fight it. His own eyes were heavily fogged with lust and want as he took her in. The escalating desire caused a heady feeling to stir within Dillan as Trey’s intense stare locked with her own.
“Dillan, I’m sorry... ” Trey forced himself to take a step away from her, his eyes looking down shamefully, his voice thick with confusion. Without a word, Dillan grabbed the front of his damp shirt and pulled his body back against hers.
“Please don’t be.” Her voice was nearly a whimper as she brushed her lips over his.
Her movements and her words were too much for him. In one swift motion, he pinned her against the wall, his mouth against hers. Writhing against him, Dillan's fingers gripped the bottom of his shirt, pulling it up over his firm chest. She had barely dropped his shirt on the floor, before his lips returned to hers, his body moving with an animalistic urgency. His fingers clawed at the fabric of her skirt, hastily pushing it up above her thighs.
A loud groan escaped his lips as his hands caressed her bare legs and his hips moved against her. Dillan whimpered as his teeth grated over her skin, her pulse racing as a tingling sensation trickled down her body. Trey’s lips closed over her collarbone and his strong arms hoisted her up, wrapping her legs around him. Her mouth found his once more, kissing him deeply as he carried her. Blindly moving, Trey somehow managed to navigate the living room, only bumping the coffee table before collapsing onto the sofa with Dillan beneath him.
Their bodies intertwined as he moved against her, his fingers tugging at the front of her blouse. Her chest heaved as a million different emotions shot through her. The feeling of his lips moving down her neck was too much for her to take.
He lifted himself up on his arms, staring down at her for a moment. Conflicting emotions seeped through his forlorn eyes. Trey wanted her so badly, even though he knew that this was wrong. Even though he knew she would hate him soon enough. He wanted to forget how lonely his life had been. He wanted to know what it was like, if only for one moment, to feel completely lost in someone else. He wanted one last moment of peace before he went after Carlos. Before he ran into the wolves’ den, from which it was likely that he would never re-emerge.
Dillan's eyes met his with a puzzled expression. His features gave away a vulnerability she had never seen before, even with Jamie. She couldn’t completely understand it, but maybe he needed this just as much as she did right now.
Regardless of the consequences, regardless of the voices in the back of their heads yelling for them to stop, they continued without another word. Dillan’s fingers curled around the nape of Trey’s neck as she pulled him back down to her.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
The next morning, Trey woke to feeling of Dillan's smooth, warm body shifting against him. Her silken legs slid against his as she turned onto her side, her breasts pressing against his bare chest. A shiver of pleasure ran through his body as the events from the previous evening replayed in his head. He breathed her in, enjoying the calm, content feeling that he couldn’t help but feel as he held her. No matter how brief this time might be, he knew he had to enjoy it.
Trey had slept with women before, but he always made a point to keep it casual, and only about the sex. After losing his mom, and being separated from Jamie, he was convinced that if he cared about someone else, they would only end up getting hurt. For that reason, he was terrified at the realization of just how much he had started to care for Dillan. But it wasn't some unknown killer that he worried would hurt her.
It was himself.
He watched her sleeping and a peaceful smile played on her lips. It only caused a burning pain to swell in his chest. Why do I have to tell her now? Why did I have to leave this behind? Why didn’t I just tell her the truth last night? He knew last night was only going to make the tasks ahead of him more painful.
As soon as she knew the truth, she would hate him, and she would hate herself for ever letting him into her life. There wouldn’t be time to hope for forgiveness. Trey would have to leave, knowing all the while that she despised him, and head straight into whatever fate awaited him in San Diego.
“Trey?” Her voice pulled him back to reality. She sat up, pulling the blanket down from the back of the couch, covering her bare chest.
“Hey.” His heart sank as he looked into her hazel eyes. As the afterglow of the previous night wore off, it was evident that she was dealing with her own inner turmoil as well. He couldn’t even look at her as the flames in his chest lapped higher, threatening to suffocate him.
Dillan untangled herself from him, sitting up next to him as she watched his face. Her own emotions were eating at her. She knew last night had been her fault. As nice as it had been, as good as it had felt, she shouldn’t have pushed him into it. Now she didn’t know how she felt. There were still the unanswered questions that had been building up. Questions about Andrew, about the night at the Finley’s… now added to this. Did she want to feel anything more about him? She couldn’t even begin to fathom that thought. She still loved Jamie, she still missed Jamie. What have I done?
“I’m sorry Trey…for last night.” She looked down at the coffee table.
“Please don’t apologize, Dillan.” His heart jerked tightly within his chest.
“I need to…I was drinking too much and I was really upset and I used you.”
“Dillan, it’s not necessary…”
“No it is. You even tried to stop me, but I still threw myself at you.” It hurt him even more to hear her describe the previous night as some sweaty moment of weakness. To him anyways, it had meant more than that. Not that it would ever amount to anything else however. Her heart belonged to his brother and it always would. Besides, his time was running out. He could no longer put off the inevitable.
It was time to come clean.
“Dillan, it’s me that needs to apologize. I haven’t been completely honest with you.” His voice was somber as he spoke.
“What are you talking about, Trey?” He could see Dillan pull the blanket tightly around her as she slid further down the couch from him.
“I’m the reason Jamie is dead.” His heart slammed against the floor as he finally spoke the words out loud.
There it was. Finally.
Dillan sat there, filled with disbelief and confusion, unable to process his words.
“What do you mean, you’re the reason Jamie is dead?” She slid off the couch and backed away from him, her eyes narrowing with fear and suspicion.
“The man that killed him...meant to kill me.” Trey said, “They wanted me dead. Not Jamie.”
“Please, tell me you're joking Trey.” Dillan felt a sick twisting in the pit of her stomach.
“I wish I could.” He said. He could not bear to look up at her. To see those beautiful eyes looking at him in disgust.
“How long have you known this?” Dillan demanded, her voice growing angry.
“Since you first told me he was killed. I couldn’t find any proof, but I don't think it could have been anyone else. The person that would have wanted me dead got out of jail last year. A month or so before Jamie was killed.”
“You knew all this time?” She was glaring at him, her fists clenched tightly, shaking at her sides. “And you lied to me; you used me so you had somewhere to stay? Was that why you went through my stuff?”
“Yes...NO! I wasn't trying to use you Dillan.” Trey pleaded as he scrambled for an explanation.
“But you did...” Her arms crossed in front of her. “You used me.”
“No...” Tears escaped the corners of his eyes, “Dillan.”
“Don't!” Her expression hardened; her eyes were cold, impervious. The woman he had been with last night was nowhere to be seen.
“Don't say another word. Grab your shit and get out of my apartment.” Her voice was unusually calm but the anger in her words boiled just beneath the surface. He slid on his jeans and shoes, hanging his head low and pitiful. Dillan kicked his bag at him from the side of the couch as he pulled his shirt down over his head. Trey looked down at the bag, then back at her, his blue eyes glistening with tears. Her expression was unyielding as she walked into the foyer, putting her hand on the front door. He hated leaving with this as his final memory of her.
“Dillan...” Trey stopped in front of her, reaching for her once more.
“Get out!” Her voice exploded with emotion, her body rejecting his touch as the tears now escaped her eyes. In one quick motion, she swung the door open, "Just leave me alone!"
She shoved him, a hand pressing against his chest. He stumbled back through the doorway, catching himself before he fell.
“I'm sorry...” His chest ached, as he watched her pull away, shaking her head. He knew that he only stood to lose her. What purpose did false hopes serve for what he now needed to do? It was better this way. If he didn’t have her, he didn’t have anyone else to lose.
“Good bye Trey.” Her voice shook, her eyes connecting with his one last time before she closed the door.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Trey sat at the diner down the street from Dillan’s apartment. The same one they had eaten at on the day they had first met. He stared down at his untouched plate of food. He knew he should probably eat. His flight was leaving in four more hours and after he arrived in San Diego, he had no idea how things would go down. Trey hoped, at the very least, to sink a couple of bullets into Carlos before he died. Carlos wasn’t man enough to show up alone, but if Trey was quick enough, he could get at least one lethal shot in before getting riddled with bullets himself.