by Katlyn Grace
“Bri and I are taking cupcakes to our youth class at church tonight. We’re going to let the kids decorate them as turkeys with candy pieces for Thanksgiving after their lesson.” She chuckled. “It might be a messy mistake.”
“I’m already envisioning frosting everywhere.” He laughed and sat his cup of coffee down on the table.
“I’m going to recruit your sister to help. She’s too polite to decline my request.” Hope had already mentioned it to Sara briefly. She laughed as the image of Sara’s eyes bulging out of her head reappeared in Hope’s memory. Sara wasn’t backing out of this task. No, ma’am. She needed something fun to do after all that she had been through recently.
“Put her in charge of the frosting.” Ethan’s sly grin told Hope all she needed to know about Sara and Ethan’s relationship as brother and sister.
“I could put you in charge of the frosting if you came.” Hope would enjoy herself even more if Ethan came. She prayed he would consider the inuendo she’d slipped on him.
Hope watched him wrestle the topic as he writhed in embarrassment. He slowly turned his smile into a frown, then shook his head. “I don’t know.”
She didn’t want to push the subject if he already had his mind made up, but something inside her told her to offer once more. “It’s just kiddos. The most they will do is pick their boogers and wipe them on you.”
He laughed, letting crinkles form by his eyes. “That’s promising.”
Ethan felt out of place tonight helping Hope, her sister, and his own sister. He was an alcoholic, granted trying to sober up, but he was participating in church activities when he didn’t even believe in God himself. He should’ve stayed home. He looked like the biggest hypocrite of all time. What seemed like a big classroom was now closing in around him
He had to admit, it was kind of exciting though—to be a part of something and feel wanted once again. The parents that dropped their kids off, had welcomed him politely without sending him any questioning second glances.
He focused in on Hope sharing the story of Jesus dying at Calvary for man’s sin. How they should be thankful for Jesus making a way to God. She made the story exciting, leaving hope as she told how Jesus arose three days later. Her eyes sparkled, and Ethan noticed five minutes into the class that she was in her element. The group of kids were circled around her on the round orange mat in the middle of the classroom. Her smile lit up the entire room. She was dressed in an olive sweater that made her emerald eyes pop, and a mustard wool knit scarf around her neck. She was beautiful, and Ethan noticed that he was beginning to like her. He couldn’t dare break a heart like hers when he wasn’t a Christian. She wouldn’t date someone who didn’t believe.
The kids seemed to be intrigued, for she made the story come alive. She explained the Bible account down to their level of understanding but she didn’t leave out a single thing.
It was so simple that even a child could understand, yet here Ethan was sitting in doubt and disbelief. Did he not believe, or was he too much of a coward to trust God again?
He considered the question that he tossed at himself. Ethan knew the answer deep down inside; he just didn’t want to admit it. He shifted in his seat to get more comfortable, if that were even possible.
Sara took a seat beside of him at one of the tables. She smiled at him and he smiled back. His sister and Brianna had been preparing stations for each step of the decorating process. Sara would be at a table helping with plates, Bri and Hope would be at a station doing the frosting, and somehow Ethan had managed to get the position of decorating the turkey faces with chocolate candy pieces. If they weren’t pretty, at least they’d still taste good.
“Do we have any prayer requests before we go to prayer?” Hope’s sister sat down on the mat with the children after Hope finished the lesson.
Many kids mentioned their pets, some friends, and a frog named Ribbit who had hopped in the road in front of a car back in the early fall. Ethan and Sara chuckled at that last one.
A quiet boy in the corner with straight black hair whispered, “Pray for my daddy. Mommy says he drinks too much.”
Ethan and Sara both froze. Memories hit too close for comfort. Images popped up left and right in Ethan’s head, quicker than he could take a breath. His mind flashed back to a time when Peter slapped Kate across the face when she politely asked him to join them at church. His mom was too nice. She only wanted to see her husband in church. She’d held too much hope for Peter.
Another flashback hovered his brain. Peter had been too drunk to even recognize his own name and pointed a gun at Sara, so close to pulling to trigger. Ethan could almost hear the screams. He wanted the horrific incessant memories in his ears to stop, but they insisted on running ninety miles per hour.
The last memory would forever be embedded in his mind. Peter bellowed on his drunk lips that Ethan would never amount to anything. He remembered his birth father chucking his stuffed animal across the room as Ethan crawled to his bed for safety. It wasn’t the cruelest thing Peter had done to Ethan, but it was the words that scarred the most. His mind seemed to be mutilated for life.
Ethan wanted to be more than just a speck of dirt. He wanted to prove the words of his birth father wrong. He deeply desired to be more than Peter ever was.
Would I, though?
His mind shifted to how much he drank in the past, and just recently. For the first time, Ethan realized he was making progress. He hadn’t touched a bottle in quite some time. He had to do better. He just had to. He couldn’t imagine scaring the daylights out of his own child one day.
He watched as Hope shifted her gaze to Ethan with a look of empathy. By the look on her face, she knew how hard the child’s prayer request had hit Ethan. She glanced back down to the saddened child. Children were honest. Ethan found himself wanting to engulf the kid in a hug and never let go. He knew what it was like to not have a father.
Sara grabbed Ethan’s hand and he squeezed it for comfort. She knew it hurt him, and without a doubt, he was sure it cut her just as deep.
Hope gave the little boy a hug that he very much needed. She reluctantly let go and they went to prayer. Ethan closed his eyes. He wouldn’t pray, but he would at least be respectful.
“That’s enough frosting, Brian.” Hope attempted to be stern as the kid with spiky blonde hair grinned mischievously.
He wasn’t going to stop.
Brian wasn’t normally this ornery. Granted, he was spoiled, but he’d always been a decent kid in her and Bri’s class. Maybe decorating cupcakes with five-year-old kids wasn’t the brightest idea she’d had in all her teaching years.
Hope drew out a breath as Brian squeezed the piping bag full of vanilla icing harder. “Brian, if you don’t stop soon, that bag is going to—”
And suddenly, all that was in Hope’s peripheral vision was fluffy white icing…everywhere.
“Pop.” She sighed, finishing her statement even if it was too late.
Hope watched as Bri’s mouth flung open and Ethan and Sara turned their heads at the sudden commotion. They covered their mouths with their hands, but she could visibly see them all doubling over in laughter. Icing had exploded on the table, on Brian’s clothes, and all over Hope.
She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths, flexing her fingers into her palms. The sticky icing could wait. Right now, the Lord was testing her patience and she needed a few seconds.
The boy stood there petrified, afraid he might get in trouble for not listening, but Hope could hear the giggle trying to rumble in the kid’s throat.
“Go decorate your cupcake with Ethan, now. You little rascal.” Hope eventually spoke through gritted teeth. She tried to put on a grin to reassure Brian that he wasn’t in trouble. Kids would only be kids for so long. Let him have his fun. Hope repeated the phrase in her head a couple jillion times.
Hope began her cleanup duty by sucking icing out of her hair. So much for her dignity and appearance. They were both long gone. “I’m not go
ing to be able to get that out with a rag, am I?” Hope tugged at her sweater that now had icing smushed in between threads. She directed her question to her sister, who had been surprisingly quiet.
“You’re going to need a new shirt.” Brianna laughed with a shake of her head. “Remind me why we thought this was a good idea again?”
Hope had seriously wondered the same thing, but as she tilted her head and watched the group around her, she discovered the reason why. While for a brief minute it might have been chaotic, the brightly lit expressions on the children’s faces made it worth it. After they’d said grace, most were now chomping down on cupcakes and giggling at each other’s decorations.
“Because of that,” she replied. Hope nodded toward Ethan and a group full of kids surrounding him. Ethan shared a laugh with a kid who decided it was way cooler to make a cow than a turkey.
“He’s having a lot of fun.” Sara bagged up paper plates since the line had officially come to an end.
“I can agree.” Hope watched Ethan with a genuine smile as he helped the kids. His emerald eyes were sparkling tonight. She’d been worried that he wouldn’t like being around children but watching him hold their hands or try to make them laugh when they were sad, proved her worries wrong. He truly would make a great father one day, especially if he gave God room to work in his heart.
Ethan noticed her eyes that were fixated on him and she looked away quickly before she could blush. She could already sense his smirk. He finished helping the last ones in the line and directed them to their seats, then walked over to join the girls.
“They must be enjoying them.” Bri laughed. All the kids were silent as icing smothered the edges of their mouths.
“Who wouldn’t love your guys’ cupcakes?” Ethan grabbed an extra one for himself. “I happen to think Hope’s the best baker in the world.”
“You’re subtly flirting, Ethan.” Bri’s cunning grin earned a kick from Hope.
“Put a sock in it, Bri,” Hope muttered, sending a death glare her sister’s way.
“Come on, Brianna. You and I should make for sure the kids have enough napkins.” Sara linked her arm in Brianna’s.
Hope owed Sara one. Her sister didn’t know when to be quiet. It could be amusing at times…just not this time. She watched as the two walked away. “My sister is embarrassing.” Hope still clutched the piping bag she’d snatched from Brian.
“But you love her.” Ethan grinned.
Hope threw away the piping bag after she removed the coupler and tip. “She’s my sister, I have to,” she teased, causing the both of them to laugh.
“I must say, you still look lovely even with frosting caked in your hair.” He grabbed a strand of her frizzy hair and gently pulled some icing out.
Both the comment and gesture made her cheeks light on fire. “It’s going to take forever to wash out.” She picked at a few clumps of icing on her sweater.
He continued to help her get it out of her tangled hair. Hope smiled, finding this Ethan adorable. “The kid said he wanted to add candy to your hair…and give you an apron.” Ethan’s comment caused her to laugh.
“I don’t know whether to feel flattered or offended.”
“A pretty woman like you would look just as adorable with M&M’s in her hair as she would without. I mean, the icing isn’t so bad.” He spoke sarcastically, but she could hear the seriousness that lay beyond his comment.
Hope could tell Ethan was trying to be gentle with her hair, but he pulled a little too hard this time, causing her to wince. “Trying to make me bald while we’re at it?”
“Sorry, there’s a huge chunk of icing on your right side.” He apologized and gave up working on the knotted strands of hair around the icing.
Her gaze met his as he removed his hand from her hair. The look they exchanged between each other seemed different this time. Hope watched his sparkling eyes shift from her eyes to her lips, then back to her eyes again. Hope’s heartbeat fluttered at the startling realization that Ethan wanted to kiss her. But Ethan quickly pulled himself back, restraining his lips from touching hers. Hope found herself immediately relaxing. It was a decision made well for the both of them. She couldn’t get herself tangled in something more than a friendship when she knew Ethan’s heart wasn’t right with the Lord.
Hope tried to make the moment less embarrassing for Ethan and his temptation. “I’d love some help cleaning the sticky table.” She gestured toward the table coated with vanilla icing that was beginning to melt the longer it sat there.
Ethan cleared his throat, looking everywhere but directly at Hope. “Sure.”
ten
E than placed the leftover plate of cupcakes on his kitchen island. He smiled at one cupcake that looked like a decent turkey. The little boy who spoke about his father during prayer requests had clung to Ethan the entire evening—Colin. The kid liked Star Wars and puppies. Hope had mentioned after the evening was over that Colin’s father was also taking counseling sessions with Mark for alcohol, but he was failing to let go of the bottles of poison.
The evening had been fun, as a matter of fact, it had been the most enjoyable day he’d had in a long time. The image of frosting smushed in Hope’s hair lingered in his mind. Ethan had wanted to kiss her, but he would have made a terrible mistake if he would have followed through. Hope deserved someone so much better than himself.
Hope promised she would call him later tonight, and Ethan was holding onto that promise. He was beginning to realize how much Hope was meaning to him. For the first time in a long time, he reckoned he could almost say he had a friend. That recognition settled well in the depths of his heart.
Ethan strolled past the living room, not bothering to turn on any lights, and headed up the whitewashed staircase to his bedroom. He entered his bedroom and flipped the light switch on. For a moment, he stood still at the wooden frame of his door and turned the light back off. He stared a moment into the depths of darkness, then turned the light back on. The bright lights swallowed up the dark room that seemed so chilling.
It finally clicked. That’s how his life had been as a child…so dark and petrifying. However, when Nathaniel had introduced Ethan to Jesus, it was like a brand new, bright world. Ethan’s life had been changed and completely rearranged for the better. But after losing his mom and stepdad, his faith had been like a candle blown out from the slightest bit of wind.
Should I turn the Light Switch to my life back on?
Ethan pivoted back out of his bedroom as his feet led him farther down the hall to a large master bedroom on the end. His bottom lip began to quiver at the realization of what he was about to do. He paused and took a deep breath. Slowly, he twisted the black knob open and took in his surroundings. Tears automatically dammed up in his eyes. Ethan attempted to straighten his back and square his shoulders. He wouldn’t let himself cry. He needed to be a man.
The entire farmhouse and property had been Nathaniel’s. When Nathan and Ethan’s mom got married, this was the house his family had moved into. It had become a home instantly. Ethan used to ride his stepdad’s horses across the acres of fields they owned. Nathan taught Ethan how to properly kick a soccer ball in their backyard. And there were countless times Ethan would sit on his mom’s lap underneath the pergola and watch the stars at night. The farmhouse represented a change…a fresh start.
It was in his parent’s will for Ethan to inherit it all if something ever happened to them, since Sara had inherited their grandparent’s place. Ethan never thought much of it, for he figured he would never have to lose his parents at the early age he did. He assumed one day he would be able to visit his parents’ place with his children and tell them stories of the things he did while he was a child. He supposed his kids would one day get to spend the night with their grandparents and sit under the stars as he once did.
He’d been wrong.
Once they lost their parents, Sara was quick to move out. She couldn’t stand the thought of living in the house without their m
other. Ethan could never muster the courage to move out, for he felt like his purpose was to be here, where memories still lingered. Although, he had let the bad memories overpower the good ones, and soon let himself sip on a beer to dissolve his tears. Ethan lost control ever since—bar hopping, drunk driving, and whiskey tasting. The true joy wasn’t there anymore. He let his life and dignity crumble right between his own fingers.
What would my parents think of me now?
He was too ashamed to even try to think of the pain it would cause them to see him in this pitiful condition.
Ethan rarely entered the bedroom full of so many memories. It always caused him discomfort in too many ways to count.
His mom’s peach quilt that she had sewn on her own was still spread across the bed, wrinkle free. The picture frame holding a picture of the family on his stepdad’s nightstand was still tilted to where Nathaniel would have seen it when he would wake in the mornings. His mom’s vanity still held her jewelry, perfumes, and makeup. And the window seat still held one of Dee Henderson’s novels. His mom loved to read.
Everything was just as his parents had left it. It was like stepping back into time. He expected to see his stepdad come whistling through the door at any given moment.
He crept toward his mom’s bedside table. Her violet leather Bible still lay in the same place she kept it for years. Instead of running for alcohol at the overwhelming memories this time, he was drawn toward the torn, well-used Bible that remained untouched since his mom passed.
Ethan gingerly picked the Bible up and took a seat by the window. Light snow drops were continuing to fall from the sky, creating a white fluffy blanket on the green grass. Ethan carefully turned the pages of his mother’s Bible to the book of Job. Even if it had been three years since he cracked open a Bible, it was still familiar—like he never left it.
The margins of his mother’s Bible were filled with colorful notes. He smiled at one of her notes on a sermon, her i’s were dotted with hearts. Ethan found the first chapter and wiped his sweaty palms on his pants. He began to read.