by Katlyn Grace
Hope yawned and ran her fingers through her hair. “At any other time of day, I’d come up with something sweet to say back, but I’m too tired. So…ditto.” She unbuckled her seatbelt.
Ethan chuckled. “You’re cute when you’re sleepy.”
He watched as Hope blushed and shook her head. “Don’t pick my brain when I’m not fully functioning.” Ethan heard the seriousness in her tone, but he also caught the slightest bit of humor.
“You’re welcome, by the way. I haven’t had this much fun in a while.” Hope added to her previous comment with a sluggish grin.
That smile of hers was going to get him in trouble. “Neither have I.” He fumbled with the keys that were still in ignition and watched small flurries of snow fall from the night sky. The flakes landed on the white, freshly coated ground.
Hope gathered her purse and coat. Putting tonight to an end was going to be hard when Ethan didn’t want to be alone.
Just as she grabbed the truck door to open it, he caught her gaze and stopped her in her tracks. Ethan tucked away a loose strand of straight hair behind her ear and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. It was meant to be a simple thank you for all she had done.
After a few moments, Hope pulled her lips away with a shake of her head, but she left her forehead resting against his. Ethan immediately regretted what he had done as he watched her chin quiver and tears well up in her eyes. Her face displayed a hundred different mixed emotions, and Ethan’s heart constricted at the fact that he had caused her pain.
“Ethan, you’re going to break my heart.” She removed her forehead from his and picked at the bracelet she was wearing. “I promised God I was going to wait on someone who cared more about Him than me. I know you mean well, and I know you care for me Ethan, but the simple fact that you’re still wrestling with the decision to believe or not tells me that I can’t do this. Not yet.” She wiped a tear that fell from her eye. “Don’t let what you physically want get in the way of what you spiritually need,” Hope added.
Ethan’s jaw locked. He didn’t want to put Hope in this position. Here he was, about to lose someone who already meant so much to him, yet his own foolishness was getting in the way. Stupid, stupid.
“I’ve been reading Job.” It was all he had to offer.
Hope stilled. After a few seconds of silence, she spoke. “It’s a good book.”
He stared straight ahead at the apartment building. “Full of faithfulness and trust.” It still marveled Ethan how God would allow something so terrible to happen in someone’s life. To see Job’s reaction to the obstacles though…it was shocking. Job reacted with such grace and faithfulness toward God.
“God loves you, you know. What seems hard to you is making the first step.” Hope pulled a ring of keys out of her bag.
Ethan took the comment in. He indeed was avoiding the first step.
God loved him.
He swallowed hard. If she didn’t leave soon, she would see him cry, and he didn’t want that again. She’d seen enough.
“Goodnight, Ethan.” She opened the door and took one last look at him. The despairing look carved into her beautiful face was more than Ethan could handle. He’d taken a knife and twisted it in his own heart.
Ethan kept one hand on the wheel and tried his best to gain a voice. “Night, Hope.”
Hope collapsed on her bed and buried her face in her pillow. She let the tears finally pour from her burning eyes.
Ethan had kissed her.
Letting that fact sink in made her head thump. It wasn’t a bad kiss. As a matter of fact, she enjoyed the kiss. It was the guilt and shame after that told her not to get entangled in such a mess. Hope’s heart felt like it was a thousand shards of glass that used to be a gorgeous cake display.
It wasn’t that Ethan had a bad past. It wasn’t that Ethan had only been sober for three weeks. It was the fact that he didn’t serve God. The One who meant everything to her. What Hope feared most was beginning to take place in her life…falling for someone who didn’t have their priorities straight.
God, why? I can’t deny it. I like the man. Have I already gone too far? If not, should I turn around and get myself out now?
Her phone rang, interrupting her tear-filled prayer. Hope picked up the corded telephone on her nightstand and drew in a deep breath before answering. “Hello?”
“You’re crying…what’s wrong?” Her brother’s worrisome tone came through the other end.
Hope rolled her eyes. She’d never been good at covering her emotions, and her brother could read her like the back of his hand. “I’m fine, Mark.”
“If you don’t tell me what the matter is within the next five seconds, I’m calling Bri and you can speak with her.” His voice stood firm and strong. Mark was still in Chicago with their dad, or he would be the one marching through the town of Alton and barging through her apartment door in the middle of the night. So, of course he’d recruit Brianna if needed to take his position.
Hope sat up straight and rested her back on the wooden headboard to her bed. It wasn’t worth the fight. “Ethan kissed me,” she whispered, still not believing it herself. “We had such a good day—decorating his tree, singing along to Christmas music. Then, when he dropped me off at my house…he kissed me, and I kissed him back.”
Mark’s sigh carried through the other end of the receiver. Just the huff of his breath was enough to make Hope’s shoulders slump. Though deep down in her heart, she desired to hear her brother’s wise advice.
“Hope.” His gentle voice paused. “I assume you like Ethan?”
For her, the answer was simple. “Yes.”
“Do you care for Ethan?” This wasn’t going the way she thought it would. Then again, when was the last time his advice went the way she imagined it?
“Of course, I do.” She brought her knees into her chest and rested her chin on them.
“What about you? Do you care for yourself?”
The question he provoked her mind with made her head spin.
He spoke after she decided not to reply. “Hope, there’s no doubt Ethan is changing. God is dealing with him, and I think you helped open that door for him. But he’s still fighting the fact that he needs a Savior, and until he realizes that he needs God, I’m afraid you’re going to get hurt. As your older brother who has seen a lot, I don’t want to watch you fall apart. Your faith is strong, Hope. I don’t want to see it crumble because of an unbalanced relationship.”
With the palm of her hand, Hope brushed tears away from her cheeks. “Then why does my faith feel weak at this very moment?” Her question wasn’t one to smart her brother off, it was one she sincerely felt needed answered.
“You’re trying to take the paintbrush from God’s hands while He’s still painting. In other words, you’re stepping out before God’s ready to reveal to you His plan. Give Him time. Don’t be in a hurry. Until then, put your faith in Psalm 42:5,” Mark replied.
She knew the passage by heart. Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance.
“There’s nothing wrong with simply being Ethan’s friend, Hope. In fact, he’s become quite a good friend to me. As a good friend though, you want the best for the opposite person. If not anything else, I would love to see Ethan get his life right again with God. But it can’t be because we want him to, it must be on his own terms. He has to make the decision within himself. The Holy Spirit has to call him.”
Hope understood. She really did want the best for Ethan, but also for herself. At this clear point, she saw nothing wrong with taking a step back, drawing a line, and just being Ethan’s friend. She refused to desert him like almost everyone else in his life did. What kind of friend would she be?
“Are you okay?” Mark’s gentle voice soothed her heart.
Hope loved her brother. “I will be.” She pulled the white comforter up to her neck as chills rippled down her spine. “How was the Bears
game with Dad?” She shifted the conversation to something she knew would excite her.
“Snowy and cold. We lost.” He laughed. “Dad had an enjoyable time though. He ate three footlong corndogs, then stole my kettle corn that costed me five bucks.”
Hope threw her head back in laughter. Her dad was an unforgettable character. “I can’t wait to see pictures.”
“There are at least fifteen selfies on my phone of Dad with his foam finger and Kool-Aid. He likes to steal phones now, so beware of the photobombing thief running lose in our family.”
The laughter felt good and fed Hope deep down in her soul. “That crazy man is always up to something.”
Ethan stared at the twinkling Christmas tree lights. His eyes watered from the way they stung.
He was alone now. Something about being alone brought out all his emotions, and tonight he was torn. He was positive Hope was much more broken than he was right now.
He hadn’t been able to go to sleep after dropping her off at her apartment. So, here he was, two in the morning, staring at the Christmas tree they decorated earlier in the day. What had been a wonderful day, ended in a terrible mistake. Ethan sank even farther in the couch, trying to get comfortable. With a huff, he eventually rested his head on the armrest. Every time he closed his eyes, the image of Hope’s anguished face after he kissed her appeared in his mind. Her crinkled eyebrows, and her eyes that lost their sparkle broke his heart. He made a mistake tonight and didn’t know how to fix it.
Ethan groaned and buried his face in a throw pillow. He stressed to himself multiple times to not break her heart, and he ended up doing just that. He never wanted to be the reason behind someone’s tears, and this night, he was the only reason.
He respected Hope’s opinion about God, but he also knew respect wouldn’t be enough. He had to truly believe that Jesus Christ was the Son of God for Hope to even consider him more than a friend. It was a challenge he didn’t know if he was willing to face.
His mind wandered off to his stepdad and mother. They would want him going to church again. They would want him to be bubbling with joy. They wouldn’t want him in this position. If they were here, they’d be doing everything they could to help Ethan out of the endless blackhole he seemed to be trapped in.
Ethan longed for hope beyond his own situations and despair. The only hope that he was searching for seemed to be in the God that Hope was fully putting her trust in.
Every reason for Ethan not to believe seemed distant tonight. Depression came with alcohol, and he no longer desired for that taste to confuse and consume him anymore. The only feeling left was the fear of being alone. Ethan didn’t want that. More than anything, he didn’t want his life to be empty. And that’s how he felt tonight…empty.
twelve
Mark Lawson’s POV
M ark Lawson sat his Bible down on the desk in front of him and rubbed his temples. His last counseling session with Colin’s father, Richard, hadn’t gone well. Mark held on to high hopes that his session with Ethan would brighten his day. Ethan had immensely improved within their one month of counseling. He hadn’t consumed any alcohol since the night he’d called Mark’s sister, Hope. Mark saw improvement in Ethan, and he saw a person slowly bouncing back to life.
He skimmed once more through his notes and Bible before heading out to meet Ethan at his home today. As he drove toward Ethan’s home, Mark tried his best to put himself in Ethan’s shoes. He prayerfully asked God to give him the words he needed to help Ethan out. Mark couldn’t even walk without Jesus holding his hand. How was Ethan doing it? He had to feel so alone without God to depend on.
Ethan simply needed Someone to rely on. Something to trust in…a hope beyond his life. Mark was determined to prove to Ethan today that his only hope would be found in a Man named Jesus.
Her head spinning in circles, Hope took a deep breath and tried to focus. She felt like she was going to throw up her lunch and the granola bar she’d munched on for breakfast. Two weeks until Christmas and she was getting sick. Great. She couldn’t let that happen. She needed to be fully functionable at work during the busiest time of year for the bakery.
Funfetti Café and Bakery was swamped with orders today. Hope didn’t feel much like putting icing on a cake, but orders were coming in left and right and Hope made her decision to push through. It wasn’t a hard decision to make, for her heart and soul went into her bakery in the little town that had grown fond her desserts.
Hope pushed a fresh tray of snickerdoodle cookies into the oven. Once that was done, she sighed and let her back rest on the cool white concrete wall beside the oven. Closing her eyes, chills washed over her arms, and she sneezed another hundredth time.
“Hope that makes the seventh time you’ve sneezed in under two minutes. Get out of the bakery or I will call Mark, and you know he’ll drag you out.” Brianna stopped trimming fondant for a cake and removed her plastic gloves to feel Hope’s forehead. “No one likes contaminated cupcakes.”
“I’m fine. It’s just a little cold.” Hope shrugged, trying to shake it off, but her sister wouldn’t buy it.
“You’re sick—” Brianna snarled her nose as Hope sneezed again “—and spreading germs everywhere! You don’t want your customers complaining. Go home and get some rest. If you’re not feeling better in the morning, one of us will take you to the doctor.” Brianna untied Hope’s apron and exchanged it for Hope’s coat. “Better yet, go visit the doctor on your way home.”
“Who’s going to get everything done?” Hope protested with a whine.
“You’ve got to remember that you have more staff now. We can handle this. If I need an extra set of hands, I’ll call Sara and see what she’s doing after work,” Bri promised with a sympathetic look. “Besides, you’re probably just lovesick. You and Ethan haven’t seen each other in a while.” Bri’s sly grin appeared.
Hope had made the mistake of telling her younger sister about the kiss her and Ethan exchanged…the kiss that never should have happened. Bri hadn’t let it go since, and it made it hard for Hope to shrug it off.
Hope snatched her purse and scarf from a hook by the back door, giving up the fight without much effort on her end at all. She needed to go home. “Maybe that’s for a reason,” Hope responded. She’d seen Ethan at the bakery now and then, but they hadn’t had time to talk it out.
“Rest up, I need someone to tease while I’m hard at work.” Bri patted Hope on the shoulder as Hope walked out the back door into the freezing winter weather.
The rest of her day was going to consist of cheesy Christmas romance movies and plenty of sleep.
Mark Lawson’s POV
“There are some things that just do not come with an explanation, Ethan.” He licked his dry lips. “Because I’m your friend and I care about you, I’m going to tell you this: I need you to stop focusing on the ‘why?’ Everything we face in this life has a purpose, even if we don’t understand it and it’s hard to accept.” Mark wrestled with the right words.
He opened the Bible in front of him to the book of Job and slid it across Ethan’s kitchen island for him to see. “You’ve been reading Job, correct?” Ethan quietly nodded. His silence allowed Mark to continue with his thought. “What did Job do when God allowed Satan to destroy his family?” It was a question Mark wanted Ethan to answer for himself, not to make him feel guilty, but to get the right idea into his head.
“He continued to praise God.” Ethan’s voice was barely audible as he tried to understand.
“When Job lost all his animals, what did he do?”
“He gave God praise.”
Mark nodded and pressed his palms into the corners of the island. “Ethan, you were being held in the arms of a God who cared so much about you. He had a plan for your situation.
“I know your past was very sticky, but don’t you see how God took the situation of your birth father and turned it into something beautiful when Nathaniel entered your life? Did you not trust that God could have done somethin
g just as miraculous when you lost your mom and stepdad in that car accident?” Mark needed to get his point across instead of speaking words in circles. Thankfully, Ethan seemed intent on what Mark had to say.
“Our attitudes color our whole personality. We can’t always choose what happens to us, but we can choose our attitudes toward each situation. And look, I have no idea how hard it must have been to lose people so close in your life. My two parents mean the world to me. Hard probably doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of describing what you went through. God gave you a big mountain to climb, but He knew you could have handled it. Instead of focusing on your problems and drowning your sorrows in alcohol, you should have held on to God and focused on His promises.”
Mark exhaled as Ethan still wouldn’t respond, he just listened with what seemed to be all his heart. “I’m not here to beat you up, Ethan, or tell you how awful you are. I’m here to help you defeat Satan’s lies because you are more than his deceit. God can fill your holes of loneliness and emptiness.” Mark knew in his heart that he was no longer talking to a drunk. He was talking to a friend who was capable of so much more.
“The book of Job gives us hope that like Job, persevering through trials and testing and remaining faithful to God, we are rewarded by Him. We come out battered and bruised, but also with newfound faith in God. How we act to our situations is crucial. We must not conclude that God has abandoned us, because he certainly didn’t leave Job. Consistent faith is the way to defeat Satan.”
Ethan ran his fingers through his hair and hopped off the barstool at the kitchen island. Seeming to need something to do, he grabbed two water bottles from his fridge. He opened one and handed the other to Mark.
Mark nodded as a thank you. “I don’t want you to trust in God because my family, your sister, and I want you to. I want you to trust in God again, because you have the sincere and humble desire to. I do encourage you to read more in the Bible though. God promises a lot to those who believe in Him.” Mark ended his session on that note, ready to see what step Ethan would make now.