by Snow, Jenika
“Let me up!” she cries, pushing against my body harder .
“ Jenny — ”
“I started my period, Carson!” she cries when she manages to break away. We lie there looking at each other, our gazes locked on one another. Mine is shock and hers is a mixture of regret and pain .
“Jenny, we can try — ”
“Please don’t,” she whispers. “I love you, Carson, but please don’t tell me we can try again. Just don’t tell me that, not right now. I just can’t hear that,” she says brokenly. She slides off the bed, her arms wrapped around her upper body like armor as she walks back to the bathroom…leaving me feeling helpless .
“There are other options, sweetheart.” I don’t move from my place, giving her space. She needs that, it’s clear, even though it eats me up to stay away. “Adoption, fertility treatments — ”
“I know,” she says and looks over at me. “Just give me some space, okay?” She smiles but it looks forced, weak. “I just need to be alone right now .”
And as hard as it is for me to get up and leave her there, I’d do anything for Jenny, even if it’s like a knife to my heart .
Chapter 18
Virginia
“J enny, we need to talk,” Carson says .
I look up in the bathroom mirror and see him in the reflection. He gave me the space I needed, albeit it was only for a short time. Carson isn’t one to stand on the sidelines. It’s one of the things I love about him. He’s a stubborn man, but he knows what he wants and always wants to fix a problem .
But some things just can’t be fixed .
He’s standing by the bathroom door. He’s slipped on his jeans, the top undone, and his feet bare. He doesn’t have a shirt on and his hair is all rumpled. He’s beautiful—absolutely beautiful . He could have any woman he wanted, and he chose me. But that was before, when he thought I could give him babies. With each month that goes by, the hope inside of me fades. Carson has never said anything; he never makes me feel bad about the fact that I haven’t gotten pregnant yet—but I know .
If I didn’t before, I definitely know now. When I went a month without a period and I took that home pregnancy test… His eyes lit up. He was so happy. He hollered, picked me up and… God. It hurts to even think about that day now. I feel like a complete failure. I feel like I’m failing Carson. Worse. I feel like I’m standing in the way of the one thing he wants more than anything in the world. A family .
A false positive. I could curse out that little pregnancy stick for giving me hope. For giving us hope .
“I don’t think there’s anything to say,” I whisper, washing my face, not wanting to talk about it. Talking about it only upset me. Before I would be sad, but now I’m just…fucking pissed .
“The fuck there isn’t. You’re hurting .”
“Nothing you can say will make that better, Carson. You can’t always fix everything .”
“Honey. It’s only been — ”
“It’s been over a year, Carson. It’s time to face the facts. I can’t get pregnant .”
“You don’t know that. Besides, if there’s a problem …”
“I think it’s pretty clear that there’s a problem, Carson,” I answer, suddenly feeling very tired .
“It could be with me. Did you ever think about that, Jenny ?”
“There’s no way it’s you, Carson. You’re too virile and — ”
I stop talking, because I don’t have the answers. The truth is it could be him. Just because he’s the manliest man I’ve ever encountered, it doesn’t mean he can spawn a whole town of babies. But in the end, it doesn’t matter. Whether it’s him or me, the fact remains that we can’t get pregnant on our own .
“I know you went off to college, but I sure didn’t realize you were a doctor .”
“Quit being a smartass,” I mumble, finally turning to face him, because it’s clear he’s not going to let this drop. I tighten the robe I had put on earlier, and let my hands play with the sash .
“Then quit trying to shut me out. I know you’re disappointed, sweetheart — ”
“Don’t try and pretend you’re not, Carson. I was there the day I took that test. You were on cloud nine .”
“Damn it, of course I’m disappointed,” he growls and the pain that slices through me at his words is nearly unbearable .
I lean on the sink because it’s a blow that could bring me to my knees .
“Carson, I think it’s time we talk about separating.” I’m running on emotions right now, saying things I’m not sure I really mean. Maybe I want him to feel the pain I feel, even though I’m sure he does. He just hides it so much better. I love him with all my heart, but I don’t want to be the reason he’s held back .
“What the fuck are you talking about?” he growls and I jump at the anger suddenly in his voice .
“I can’t be what you need, Carson. I can’t give you want you need. And you deserve a family, a big one. I don’t want to be the reason you’re in a childless marriage. I can’t handle that.” I exhale, the words hurting me so damn badly. I don’t want to say them, but I want them out there. I want him to know he isn’t stuck with me. “I think it’s best if we just… separate,” I whisper, choking on the words, my heart breaking. I hold my head down, trying to get control of my emotions, because I feel like I’m dying .
“What the fuck, Jenny?” Carson growls suddenly right in front of me. His hands grab my hips, the pressure bruising .
“Carson,” I gasp, the anger on his face is the likes of something I’ve never seen from him before. My heart kicks against my chest .
“Is it that easy for you? Can you throw me away like yesterday’s garbage like that?” he yells .
“I… No! Carson, nothing about this is easy! I love you !”
“Then what the fuck are you thinking ?”
“I’m thinking of you! I’m trying to give you what you want.” The last part comes out of me on a whisper .
“I wish to hell you’d explain how you leaving me does that. You’re my fucking world .”
“You want a baby. You want a family. Heirs to leave this land to. You’ve said that for as long as I’ve known you!” I yell back, anger pulling me out of my misery as nothing else could .
“Do you not fucking listen when I talk, Jenny? Have you not heard me for the past year when I told you that you have given me the world? As long as I have you, I don’t need another goddamn thing. You’re it for me, Jenny. You always have been. I love you.” He says the last part with so much emotion I feel like crying .
“I love you too,” I cry. “I just want you to be happy .”
I would have thought I had no tears left, but I’m wrong, because now I’m sobbing my eyes out .
“ Jenny — ”
“I need you to be happy, Carson. That’s all I want,” I tell him in between tears and shuddering breaths .
This morning I was so happy… And now it feels like my world is ending .
“If I’m not with you I’m not happy,” he says and strokes my cheek. “If I don’t have you by my side there’s no reason to keep breathing .”
And I know he means that, because I feel the same way .
Chapter 19
Carson
“B aby girl, look at me,” I tell Jenny, my body shaking with fear .
I’m not afraid to admit it. The thought of Jenny leaving me scares the fuck out of me. She’s my world .
I put my hand under her chin, and apply pressure to get her to raise her head to look at me .
“Carson,” she whispers, her gorgeous eyes shining with tears .
“If I don’t have you, Jenny, nothing else means a goddamn thing,” I tell her softly .
“You want a baby…” she whispers .
“I want you , Jenny. If it ever came down to it and I had to choose you or this damn land, I’d choose you, every fucking time .”
“But …”
“I wanted a baby to tie you to me. A part of both of
us that would always connect us, Jenny. I’m a selfish bastard and I wanted that so you would never think of leaving. And don’t get me wrong. Seeing a baby we created looking up at me, knowing we made that together, has pride filling me, has longing choking me. But, honey, you have to know that the only thing I need in this world to make me happy…is you. I love you,” I tell her, my voice thick .
“Carson, you’re crying,” she whispers, surprised. Her fingers come up and brush my face. She’s right. I am crying. Even thinking of a world without Jenny beside me… unmans me .
“Don’t leave me, Jenny. Don’t ever leave me .”
“Is that really what you thought? That a baby would tie me to you?” she asks with a deep breath, her thumb brushing my face .
“It would. You’d want your child to have both parents. You’d always — ”
Jenny brings her lips against mine so I stop talking. It’s more than effective and I kiss her back, my hands coming up on each side of her face, my lips plundering hers slowly but intensely, trying to show her without words how deeply I love her .
“Carson, you own my heart. You’re a part of me. I’d never leave,” she says when we break apart .
“Jenny, you just told me you wanted to separate,” I tell her, getting control of my emotions now that it’s becoming clear that Jenny still loves me .
“Only for you, Carson. So you could find someone who could give you a child,” she answers, looking downward and stumbling on the words .
“We’ll go to the doctor tomorrow and have her check us out,” I decide .
“ But — ”
“And I need you to ask yourself something, Jenny .”
“What’s that?” she answers, looking back to me in question .
“If I’m the reason we can’t have a child, would you leave me? Would you find another man who would give you what I can’t ?”
“What? Of course not. I don’t want anyone but you . I …”
“And that’s exactly how I feel about you, Jenny. You’re everything to me .”
“I was stupid,” she whispers, her face coloring, trying to avoid my gaze .
“You weren’t. You were hurting. But what you don’t understand is that when you hurt, I hurt. Whatever life throws at us, Jenny, we have to face it together .”
“I love you, Carson,” she whispers and finally the fear I’ve been dealing with leaves .
“You can prove that to me,” I grumble, picking her up and carrying her back to our bed .
“But, Carson. I’m on my period …”
“I don’t care. We both need this. I need to know you’re still mine,” I tell her, lying her down on the bed. I unzip my pants and my cock slides out, already hard and leaning towards Jenny and her beautiful full lips .
“I’ll always be yours,” she whispers, just before she takes me into her mouth. I close my eyes and let those words settle inside my heart…inside my very fucking soul .
Chapter 20
Virginia
I ’m wringing my hands together and looking around the exam room, trying to calm my breathing. I don’t know why I’m so nervous. Carson’s right. We have each other and that’s all we need. We could always adopt a child. Whatever happens, as long as we’re together it’s fine .
I keep repeating that to myself and I truly believe it. But at the same time I’m scared of what the doctor will tell us. She did an initial exam and drew some blood. That was over thirty minutes ago and she hasn’t come back in. I was just worried about not having a child, but what if something is wrong with my health? What if —
“Jenny, stop,” Carson says, his voice tender and soft as his hand stretches out over both of mine. “Everything is going to be fine .”
“I know. I’m just…worried .”
“There’s no reason to be, sweetheart. We’ve been through this .”
“I know, Carson. I do. I don’t even know why …”
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Haynes. I had an emergency with a patient,” the doctor says, coming back into the room. Carson squeezes my hand reassuringly and I curl into his side as the doctor walks around her desk to sit down and face us .
“That’s okay, doctor. I hope everything is okay .”
“Oh, everything is fine. I just needed to reassure a patient who’s about to become a mother for the first time. Now, I’ve prescribed you some vitamins and for the next few months I want you to take it easy. Make sure you — ”
“I’m sorry, doctor. I feel like we’re missing something here. Is there something wrong with my wife?” Carson asks .
“What? Oh! You don’t know? I asked Dr. Moore to come by and tell you the results .”
“What results?” I ask, before Carson can. “Am I sick? Are we able to have children ?”
“You’re perfectly healthy, both of you. Although you may start to experience some nausea in the coming weeks …”
I feel everything in me freeze. Did I just hear her correctly ?
“Can you tell us what the hell that means?” Carson growls, his patience at an end .
“Oh, I’m sorry. I’ve made a mess of this. There’s not a thing wrong with your wife, except she’s pregnant .”
The silence stretches on between us, and I glance at Carson, not sure if I heard the doctor correctly .
“I’m… pregnant ? ”
“By our estimation, Mrs. Haynes, you’re about two months pregnant .”
“But I can’t be,” I say, confusion clear in my voice. Then I start crying. Big, wet, sloppy tears .
“But you are .”
“Maybe you should make sure you have the right file? My wife started her period yesterday and we’re here because ...”
“I assure you both, I have the right file. I understand how stressful this all must have been on you, but you are very pregnant .”
“But the bleeding…” I whisper, afraid to let the hope inside of me completely free .
“Sometimes it happens, but you said yourself that today it’s almost stopped. It’s something we’ll watch closely, and one of the reasons I want you to take the next few months easy, but this does happen. I once had a patient who came in five months pregnant and had no idea because she had a period every month just like normal.” She smiles at us and I can see she’s trying to be reassuring. “But because you have the bleeding I am going to schedule you for an ultrasound, just to make sure everything is okay .”
“I can’t believe this,” I whisper and Carson pulls me up from my chair and into his lap. I should chastise him, because we’re in a doctor’s office, but the truth is, I don’t care. I want to be in his lap. I want to be close to him right now. I need his arms around me .
“Jenny…” he whispers, his face brushing mine gently. I look into his eyes and they are bright with unshed tears. He’s smiling .
“I’m pregnant .”
“You’re pregnant,” he repeats .
“I’m having your baby,” I whisper, reality finally settling inside of me .
“You’re having our baby,” he corrects me .
“I love you, Carson,” I tell him through my tears .
“And I love you, Jenny,” he reassures me and when he kisses me, I get lost in our kiss. I guess we both do, because neither of us notice the doctor leaving the room .
We break apart a few minutes later and Carson puts his hand on my stomach. I cup mine over his and close my eyes .
“For as long as I can remember, Carson, I wanted to be your wife and have your babies .”
“ Jenny — ”
“Thank you for making my dreams come true, Carson. Thank you for loving me .”
“I’m the one who should be thanking you, sweetheart. You’ve given me the world,” he whispers, kissing me again .
I don’t argue with him, but he’s wrong. He’s the one who has given me the world. He’s given me a family .
Epilogue One
Carson
T he room is silent, dark, and the only thing I can focus on is the
clicking of the ultrasound tech working on the machine. She starts putting gel on Jenny’s belly, and I stare at the monitor in front of us, my heart in my throat, my palms sweating. I squeeze Jenny’s hand and she does it in return .
And then the tech starts the actual ultrasound and I’m in awe at what I see. It doesn’t look much like a baby yet, but I see limbs, the head, and a tiny body. It looks more like an alien, but hell, that’s Jenny’s and my alien growing inside of her .
I squeeze Jenny’s hand and look at her. She is staring at the monitor, this wide-eyed expression on her face, tears sparkling in her eyes .
God, I love this woman so much .
And then we hear the rhythmic sound of a little heartbeat. It’s fast for something so tiny .
“That’s our baby, Jenny .”
She laughs, this watery sound, and I can feel the happiness in her come through to me .
I can’t stop myself from cupping Jenny’s face and kissing her. I don’t give a shit if the tech is seeing this. I want the world to know how deliriously happy I am .
Once the tech prints off some pictures for us, and has Jenny cleaned up, she leaves us in the room. I place both hands on either side of her face and lean in to kiss her .
I pull back and stare at my wife, my soul mate…my Jenny. “I love you, sweetheart .”
She smiles in return. “I love you , too .”
God, what I feel for Jenny grows every single day, and I know it won’t stop. I know I’ll love this woman until the sun stops setting and rising .
And fuck, it’s the best feeling in the world .
Epilogue Two
Carson
I am living my dream. Without love, family, and happiness there was no point to life. I am the luckiest fucking man in the world .
The sound of the fire crackling in the hearth, and the glow from the flames makes the room seem relaxed, comforting. I pull Jenny closer to me, and bury my face in the fall of her long, sweet smelling hair. I slip my arm around her and span my open palm on her belly. She is big and round with our second child. After we had our first baby, a little girl, we thought it would be another journey to get pregnant again. But we were both surprised when she got pregnant fairly easily. We hadn’t been trying, and because she was nursing and hadn’t gotten her period, we didn’t know she was pregnant. But to our utter surprise and elation we found out she was carrying a little boy .