Copyright © 2020 by Stella Rainbow.
Cover by Stella Rainbow.
Image Courtesy: Unsplash.
This book is a work of fiction. All names, places, events and incidents are a product of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any person, alive or dead, is entirely coincidental.
All Rights Reserved. No part of this book should be reproduced in any way without the express permission of the author, except for brief quotations for the purpose of reviews.
All songs, song titles and lyrics mentioned in the novel are property of the respective songwriters and copyright holders.
Warning:
This book contains material that is intended for a mature, adult audience. It contains graphic language, explicit sexual content and adult situations.
Summary
Luke
It has been a year since I escaped my three years of hell. Twelve months, and yet I felt just as broken as I had all those months ago. I had a job now, a home and people who cared about me, and yet I was all alone in this darkness that surrounded me. My past haunted me day and night and there was nothing and no one who could protect me from it.
Until I met Scott.
Scott
Losing every person I loved one after the other made me realize just how much loving someone could hurt. Without even realizing, I made a decision to never love another person again, lest I lose them too. For years, my life revolved around studying and then working and the only person I was close to was my best friend, who wouldn’t leave me alone, no matter what I tried. I was content to stay alone.
Until I met Luke.
A man shy of loving someone again and a man haunted by his past. Will they be able to help each other heal? Or will they just end up breaking each other?
Trigger Warning:
Mention of past sexual abuse, brief description of sexual and physical abuse, incident of self-harm and suicidal thoughts. Please be aware of the triggers and avoid reading the book if any of these situations are a trigger for you.
Remember to apply self-care after reading!
Dedicated to:
Alice Winters and Lily Morton: For books that made me laugh on my bad days.
The MM Book Recs Group on Facebook: For introducing me to so many amazing books.
1 | Scott
The moment I first saw Luke Smith, I felt this sudden, strange connection to him, as if I could already see the two of us becoming friends. He was the last person on my list of potential roommates, and though there had been quite a few suitable candidates before him—including a woman who had the most adorable cat—the moment I saw him I knew he would be my new roommate.
When I opened the door, I took a moment to look him over because his appearance puzzled me. He had long, raven hair tied off in a bun and he was just a few inches shorter than me, which was saying something since I was 6’2”.
But while his physique was that of an athlete’s, his clothes and the look in his pale gray eyes didn’t match that assumption. He wore an oversized gray jumper that looked worn thin but matched beautifully with his eyes. His hands were stuffed inside the sleeves, and a pair of faded blue jeans and black sneakers completed his ensemble.
The thing that struck me the most, though, was the look in his eyes. There was a wariness in them, and definitely some fear. My friends always told me that I was good at reading people, and if they were right, then I knew that Luke was either wary of me, which was unlikely or strangers in general. The realization sent a wave of protectiveness coursing through me, a sudden urge to keep him safe slamming into me. What the hell? I barely knew the guy!
“Luke?” I greeted him with a smile, hoping to ease some of his tension as I shook off the sudden onslaught of emotions. He nodded, shuffling on his feet and I opened the door wider to let him in. I was about to close the door when I thought better of it and left it open. I didn’t miss the small sigh of relief from Luke but I chose to ignore it. What was it that made him so wary? Had something happened to him before?
“So, Luke, tell me about yourself,” I asked, hoping to ease him into a conversation and maybe help him relax.
Luke chewed his lower lip and cracked his knuckles, telling me he was still very nervous as answered, “Uh, I work for a magazine, Voice Out, as a junior editor.”
I smiled at that because I was a proud subscriber of Voice Out. Hell, one lay open on the coffee table right now. At least that gave us something to talk about, huh?
“I love their Coming Out Stories section,” I confessed with a smile, hoping the fact that I read his magazine would give me plus points in his book.
Luke looked surprised for a second, but then he smiled slightly, just an upward tilt of his lips. “My friend Angie writes them. Well, people send us their own stories but Angie gives those stories the artistic flair to make them publishable.” Then he halted, as if realizing just now that he’d spoken more than he’d meant to.
I smiled and gestured towards the hallway that led to the bedrooms, “Would you like to see the room? It’s fully furnished and everything.” The room had lain empty as a guest bedroom for the past two years and I’d finally decided that renting it out would be a good idea. Not that I needed the money, but I’d hoped the company would make the apartment feel less lonely.
Luke looked unsure for a moment before nodding woodenly and turning towards the hallway. He looked back at me and I realized he might feel better checking out the room on his own.
“You go on ahead, it’s the one at the end. Do you prefer tea or coffee?”
“Tea,” Luke whispered, his shoulders sagging in ill-concealed relief. I gave him a thumbs up and he was gone.
By the time he was done looking over the room, I had some tea and cookies ready. Well, I made the tea and served up some of the cookies I’d bought from the bakery yesterday. I was a decent cook, but for some reason me and baking just did not mix.
I gestured for him to sit on the couch as he walked back into the living room and I took the single armchair by the fireplace. “So, did you like the room?”
Luke nodded, taking a sip of his tea, “The room is beautiful. I don’t own much stuff, so the furniture helps.”
“That’s good. When are you planning to move in?” I asked as I picked up my own cup. I was more of a coffee guy, with lots of cream and sugar, but a cup of tea now and then was just as appreciated.
Luke gave me a startled look before raising a brow at me, “Am I moving in? I thought this was just an interview.”
I shrugged. “You’re the last applicant, and honestly, you’re the only sane one I’ve met all day, so it isn’t exactly a difficult choice to make.” Liar. I wasn’t sure why I was lying, but something about Luke intrigued me, made me want to get to know him better. Plus, he seemed like a decent enough guy—and so what if he didn’t have a pet cat?—so it wasn’t like I was just picking him because he was interesting, right?
There was a spark in his eyes as he replied, “We’re all mad here, Mister.”
He looked extremely proud of himself and the spark in his eyes and the slight smirk on his face suddenly made him look so much more beautiful. I mean , a part of me had realized he was good looking but now I swear to god my jaw dropped on to the floor. How could I let him go?
He immediately froze, his eyes widening to the size of saucers. “What? What’s wrong?”
“You quoted Alice in Wonderland at me. How can I not ask you to move in now?” I explained, shaking my head in mock seriousness.
Luke blushed, a pink tinge slowly spreading across his slightly cheeks. He ran a hand through his hair, dislodging the bun and making his hair fall in waves along his cheeks. Pushing the hair out of his face in what seemed to be a practiced move, he smirked at me.
“I can quote a lot of things at you, so I guess you have to let me move in now.” The snarky comment made me realize that he was feeling much more comfortable now than he had when he’d first arrived. Mission accomplished.
I smiled widely at him, the fact that he felt comfortable in my presence making me immeasurably happy for some reason. Extending my hand, I said, “Welcome to the house, Luke Smith.”
He shook my hand, giving me an equally bright smile, and I wasn’t surprised at the strength in his grip. “Thank you, Scott Riley.”
2 | Luke
The moment Scott Riley smiled at me for the first time, I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time. A sense of safety. For some reason, Scott’s warm brown eyes and kind smile made me feel as if I’d be safe with him. Of course, once I realized that, I started worrying about not getting the room. I mean, what if he didn’t like me? What if he had a lot of better options than me?
The room itself was gorgeous, and for the rent he was asking, it was obscenely cheap. I mean, the room had its own en-suite bathroom, complete with a bathtub. The room itself was dominated by a queen-sized bed, a dresser and a closet that could store my clothes twice over. There had been a cute little nook in the corner with a lounge-like sofa that I could imagine curling up with a book in. I’d taken one look at the room and fallen in love with. That, coupled with the fact that Scott hadn’t hit even one of my warning signals had made me even more nervous about not getting the room.
But then he’d told me he loved the magazine I worked at and that had helped me keep the panic at bay. And once he’d told me the room was mine to move in, I’d become totally comfortable in his company.
Which was why I was now freaking out and sitting at a table in Bean Yourself—my best friend’s coffee shop—waiting for my other best friend to show up. The cafe was just a corner away from my workplace, which was a blessing since I loved coming here. Bean Yourself was housed in an oldish building that gave it a nice character. Comprising all of the first floor of the two-floor building, it was a warm, familiar space that always comforted me ever since I’d started coming here a year ago. I was seated at one of the window seats, watching the people mill about on the sidewalk and making up stories for the people I saw.
Brady, the owner of the shop, was out running errands for the Voice Out NGO—where he volunteered and where I’d first met him—so I would only get the chance to talk to Angie. I needed a second opinion and there was no one else I’d ask it of than her anyway. She understood my hesitance in trusting people since she was in the same boat as me on that front. But she also had a level head and the ability to spot assholes that I lacked, so I needed her to tell me if I was stupid for trusting Scott so quickly. I’d been there and done that once and I did not want to be wrong again, especially if I would be sharing an apartment with him.
I looked up at Angie as she took the seat opposite me, a mug of her favorite dark roast coffee in hand. In appearance, we were the complete opposites. Her blond hair was cropped short and though she had no tattoos, she had multiple piercings in her ears and brows that gave her a badass look. She was wearing her favorite leather jacket, paired with a black band t-shirt and black jeans. Basically, the goth teen she hadn’t had a chance to be when she’d lived with her parents.
She stared at me with narrowed eyes and examined me for a moment before saying, “Spill.”
I chewed my lip as I tried to figure out what to say or rather how to say it, “The apartment I went to see today, it was gorgeous. I wasn’t gonna go because it’s got a roommate and I didn’t want that. But it’s close to work and really cheap, so I thought I’d check it out.” I also hadn’t wanted to go alone into a stranger’s house, but I’d had to since both Angie and Brady had been busy and I’d needed to make myself realize that I couldn’t always depend on them anyway.
“Was the roommate an asshole?” Angie asked as she sipped her coffee.
“Not at all. He was nice. He reads our magazine and especially loves your column.”
Angie raised her brow at that but didn’t interrupt, so I continued, “The thing is, you know how it takes me so long to get comfortable around people, especially men?”
“Oh, I know. It took me, what? Two months before you agreed to hang out with me?” She said dryly, giving me a cheeky grin that very few people got to see.
I grinned sheepishly. I’d been very intimidated by her when we’d first met and it had taken Brady repeatedly telling me she was a nice person for me to finally talk to her. “Yeah, I guess. But today, I felt like I could trust Scott, even though I know nothing about him. And now, I’m freaking out because I don’t know why that is. And I don’t want to be wrong like last time.”
Angie stared at me for a few long seconds before speaking, “So, you got the room?”
I nodded, her stare making me fidget in my seat. Angie had this laser focus guess that I swore you could feel all the way to your soul. It was unnerving.
“When are you moving in?”
“Saturday.”
“Ask him if we can come over Friday evening.”
“Okay,” I agreed readily because I knew arguing with her would be useless, and anyway, she was a phenomenal judge of character and really good at getting information out of people. She’d probably find out Scott’s whole life story in one meeting.
“Now, you’ll be coming to Mama D’s for dinner next weekend, won’t you?”
“Duh, of course. I can’t risk her wrath if I missed it.”
Mama D a.k.a. Delilah Sparks was our boss, our mother as well as the woman who saved my life a year ago. If it weren’t for her, I’d probably be living in a shitty-ass apartment with an equally shitty job. I—and every other person her NGO, Voice Out had ever helped—owed my life to her.
“Good. She’s hoping you’ll bake some of her favorite cookies for her but don’t tell her I told you that.”
I grinned. Mama D loved my chocolate cookies and obviously, I loved baking them for her. “If I’m settled into my new place by then, I’ll definitely bake her some.”
“Hey now, I love your cookies too,” Angie protested, almost pouting.
“I’ll bake you some too, my bubblegum, don’t worry.”
Angie scrunched up her nose at the endearment as I knew she would before shaking her head. She glanced at her watch before standing up, “Come on, it’s work time. And for the record, I don’t get why someone would call someone they care about Bubblegum. I mean, you chew and spit a gum. Why would you ever use the word as a pet name?” I laughed at her question as I finished my coffee and followed her fast-paced stalk, hoping that my instinct about Scott was correct and that he’d pass Angie’s test.
Once I was at my desk, I texted Scott about Friday night. His reply came a few minutes later, agreeing to the plans and letting me know that he’ll have dinner covered. Well, that was that. I told myself there was no point in thinking about it anymore and tried to force my brain into work mode, even if it was reluctant to comply.
It was Thursday night and I’d decided to bake some cookies for my soon-to-be-former roommates, Angie, Mama D, and Scott. My choco-chip cookies were something everyone who knew me loved, and I figured it would be a good idea to take some to Scott’s after I invited myself over for dinner with Angie. I wasn’t sure if it was such a good idea, but I also needed Angie to confirm that my intuition wasn’t wrong. I didn’t consider myself a good judge of character anymore. After all, I’d thought my ex was perfect. Look how that turned out.
Shaking my head to clear the morbid thoughts, I concentrated on mixing the dough. The cookies had been one of the first things my mom taught me to bake, and they’d always helped me wind down after an emotionally stressing day, which I’d had a lot of over the past year. By now, my roommates were pretty much used to me baking at 4 a.m, though I’d decided not to wait until then to bake this time. I hoped it wouldn’t be a problem for Scott. I mean, who could even hate waking up to fresh cookies, right?
I poured the batt
er on the baking tray, topping them with more choco chips to make them extra chocolaty before sticking the tray into the oven. While the cookies baked, I cleaned up the mess I’d made.
“Is Luke baking again?” A voice I recognized called from the living room before a smiling head popped around the doorway.
“Hey, Brady!” I called, waving the spatula I’d been washing in greeting.
“Luke! I heard you’re leaving us. Whatever would I do without you around, honey pie?” Brady pouted as if to show me just how much he’d miss me.
Brady was a small human—almost a foot shorter than me—and his blond hair were short on the sides and falling to his forehead on the top, currently dyed baby pink at the tips. He was a whiz with makeup, which showed in the artfully applied mascara that brought out the green of his eyes. Simply put, Brady was a gorgeous man. I respected him a lot for everything he did for the NGO and the way he ran his cafe, though he looked way younger than his 27 years old because of his playful nature and that ever-present smile. He had a brightness about him that had charmed me from the moment I’d met him, especially since I’d been in such a dark place myself. Rather than staying at a safe distance, though, he’d helped me pull myself out of that darkness. Honestly, I believed he was my best friend but I’d never dare tell Angie that. It was a shame we weren’t each other’s type, because Brady was definitely a guy I could trust, not that I wanted to date anyone anytime soon. No sire, that ship had long sailed.
I narrowed my eyes at him as I finished cleaning up and leaned against the counter-top. “Be honest. You’re gonna miss my baking more than me, aren’t you?”
Brady gasped, pressing a palm against his chest as his eyes twinkled in amusement. “You wound me. Of course, I’ll miss you more than your double chocolate, absolutely delicious cookies.”
I grinned at him, shaking my head. “Yep, sounds legit. Will you be staying awhile? The cookies will be ready in half an hour.”
Finding You Page 1