Finding You

by Stella Rainbow

  I left them to talk in the living room and went back to the kitchen to get the table set. I had ended up ordering Chinese for everyone since I hadn’t been in the mood to cook dinner. I grabbed the bowls from the oven where I’d kept the food so it’d stay warm and set them on the dining table just as Angie walked into the kitchen with a Tupperware container in her hand. “Oh god, gimme!” I grabbed the container and stuck it in the freezer so the ice cream would be ready to eat after dinner.

  “You look good.” Angie commented and I gave her a small smile. “I feel good. Better than I expected to, after last night, but I do.”

  “What happened? Did Scott…?”

  I rolled my eyes at her before replying, “As if I’d still be here if that were the case. Scott’s a good guy, Angie. He really is. Last night, he was doing a favor to a friend of a friend, lending our couch to him for the night. He asked me if I was okay with it and I was stupid enough to say yes. He asked me twice, you know. I think he understands that I don’t do well with strangers and he gave me a choice and I picked wrong. Anyway, the guy tried to…well, he touched me when I was trying to make tea after a nightmare and I freaked out. Pulled a knife on him...I think. After that, it’s a blur but Scott found me in the kitchen. He made me tea and took care of me and since that’s something my system doesn’t understand, I let my anxiety take over and said some hurtful things to him. Asked him what he wanted from me and shit.” I shook my head at my own stupidity. I was glad he understood I hadn’t meant it, that he’d seen the truth in my eyes even when I couldn’t say it.

  “You care about him, don’t you?”

  “Of course, I do. He’s a nice guy and my gut says to trust him. We’ve been hanging out recently and he’s a lot of fun.”

  Angie gave me a knowing look that I understood all too well as she leaned her hip against the counter, focusing her gaze on me.

  “I do not have a crush on him.” I hissed, surprised she even thought I could. I cared about Scott a lot, yes, and if I could date someone, would I want it to be someone like him? Yes. But the fact of the matter was, I couldn’t date anyone. Not now and maybe not ever. And that was that.

  “Never said you do.” Angie said with a chuckle, and I knew she didn’t believe me. Angie was a stubborn woman and once she made up her mind about something, it was impossible to change her opinion.

  “Even if I did, it’s not like anything could ever happen.”

  “And why’s that?”

  I gave her a look that told her she was crazy for even asking such a stupid question, “I can’t date, Angie. Not Scott or anyone. Because dating leads to things I don’t think I’d ever be comfortable with. And who would even want a fuck-up like me anyway.”

  Angie shook her head and gave me a soft, sad look that I’d never seen on her face before. It transformed her goth face into something much more human. “Take it slow, Lu. We’re all fucked-up in one way or other, but that doesn’t mean we can’t find happiness one day.” Who was this woman and what had she done to my friend?

  I shook my head in disbelief but refrained from replying because I knew it wouldn’t do any good. I knew I wasn’t worthy of the love Scott could give someone and I could live with that, as long as I had his friendship.

  8 | Scott

  “So, what do you do, Scott?” Mrs.Sparks or Mama D—as she’d told me to call her—asked.

  “I work as a Project Manager in a marketing firm. I started the firm with my best friend two years ago, but I quickly realized the administrative work wasn’t for me.”

  Mama D smiled at me warmly as she said, “I’m glad you found what’s right for you. It’s important to love your work, I think, or you end up just going through the motions.”

  “Yeah. You love running the NGO and the magazine, don’t you?”

  If it were possible, her smile brightened even more at the mention of her work, “Oh yes. They’re my babies. I love helping the kids get back on their feet and to be there for them when they need it.”

  I smiled at the love that was clear in her voice as she talked about her adopted kids. “That’s how you met Luke, right? Through your NGO?”

  She nodded as a worried frown replaced her smile. “Is he doing okay? I don’t think he’d tell me even if he was struggling. He’s a stubborn boy.”

  “That he is,” I agreed with a smile before continuing, “and he’s doing okay, all things considered. We spent the day reading together and I think that helped him get back to himself.”

  “He does love reading. When I first asked him why he loved reading so much, he told me because books had been the only constant in his life for a long time.” She told me with a bittersweet smile, making my heart hurt yet again for him.

  She shook her head, shaking off the smile along with it before giving me a genuine one, “I’m glad you’re getting along well. I was a bit worried when he first told me he was moving out of the share-home but I’m glad he found this place. And you.”

  Before I could reply, Luke walked into the room, took one look at us and rolled his eyes. “Table’s set. You can stop talking about me now.”

  “Oh no, I was just telling him the recipe of my ice cream,” Mama D said with a warm smile but the look Luke gave her told me he didn’t believe her in the slightest.

  The dinner was full of cheerful talk with some well placed quips by Angie thrown into the mix and I was surprised at how easy it was to get along with them. I’d been a bit nervous at first when I’d realized that The Delilah Sparks was visiting our home, but she had this wonderful motherly aura about her that immediately made me feel comfortable around her. I could easily imagine how much the kids at Voice Out appreciated her presence. I only had to look at Luke and Angie to feel the love between the three of them and I wasn’t surprised at the slight tinge of envy I felt at the mismatched but loving family they had. But maybe I could be a part of their family too, I realized, as they pulled me into a conversation about the Pride Parade they had led through the city last week.

  Mama D’s ice cream was delicious and I realized that I really did need the recipe, which Mama D promised me she’d text me later. By the time Mama D and Angie left, my stomach was full to bursting and I was looking forward to curling up in bed and sleeping.

  “Let’s clean up together and then go to bed.” I told Luke who gave me a raised brow in return. “Separately,” I added with a chuckle and rolled my eyes at him as we started on the dishes.

  When my cheek hit the pillow, I conked out instantly, sated from a hearty meal and the cheerful conversations.

  The next month passed by with us resuming our routine of reading together before dinner and on weekends. I didn’t even realize how much time I was spending with Luke until Mike reminded me that we haven’t hung out other than at work in the three months since Luke moved in. Considering the fact that I used to be an almost permanent fixture in his apartment on the weekends, he was obviously annoyed at my sudden disappearance from his and his family’s lives. Which was how he’d managed to guilt me into going on a hiking trip with him this weekend. There was a cabin near the trails that he’d booked for us and given me the key to this morning with the threat of firing me if I didn’t show up. Honestly, I was looking forward to hanging out with him, too. The only problem was that today was Tuesday, we were leaving on Friday for the whole weekend and I still hadn’t told Luke about my impending trip yet. I was hoping to tell him today so he could make his own plans if he wanted to.

  As I walked out of my last meeting before lunch, my phone buzzed in my pocket. Pulling it out, I grinned when I realized it was Luke. I’d discovered over time that Luke preferred texting over calling, no matter the length of the conversation. I didn’t mind either way, I was just happy he wanted to talk to me outside of our time together at home.

  Luke: You busy?

  Me: Nope, just finishing up for lunch, why?

  Luke: I’m near that park that’s close to your workplace. Wanna have lunch together there?

 
Me: Sure! Should I get lunch on the way?

  Luke: Nah, I got it. Deli sandwich okay?

  Me: Perfect. Be there in ten.

  I smiled as I put my phone away, let my assistant know I was going out for lunch and took the elevator to the lobby. I wasn’t sure why I was so excited except maybe because this was the first time we were hanging out outside of our apartment and I was extremely pleased that Luke had asked me. I’d wanted to ask him to go out sometimes, but I’d hesitated because I hadn’t been sure if he’d want to do that. I’d also not asked because every time I imagined going out with him in my mind, the scene looked more like a date than two friends hanging out and I knew that was something he definitely wasn’t interested in. At least, that’s the impression I’d gotten when he’d asked me what I wanted from him all those weeks ago. Friendship was all he could do and I’d sworn to myself that I’d never push for more. Still, him asking me to have lunch with him sure made my day and I couldn’t stop myself from feeling happy about it.

  I spotted Luke as soon as I stepped inside the park. He was sitting at a bench set away from the kid's area way in the back where no one else would be interested in hanging out. I probably wouldn't have spotted him if I hadn't known that he'd look for a quaint, quiet spot like that. Shaking my head, I walked over to him and grinned when his face broke into a wide smile as he spotted me.

  As I walked over, I took a moment to appreciate just how the warm August sunlight brightened up his features. His gray, stormy eyes looked even lighter in the sunlight, almost colorless. His plush lips looked so pink and full that I bit my own hard enough to stop myself from thinking about them too much. His black hair was tied off into his usual bun, but a few loose strands hung around his face, framing his cheeks.

  "Hey there!" I called as I got into hearing distance and he waved at me. He was wearing his usual outfit of a full-sleeved button-up with a light cardigan thrown on top and dark jeans. A bag from the local Deli sat beside him on the bench and the scent of warm fries filled my nose as I reached him.

  "Hey, thanks for coming. I didn't pull you away from work, did I?"

  "Nah, I was heading out for lunch anyway. How come you're on this side of town today?" I asked, since the Voice Out office was closer to our house than to my workplace.

  "Oh, Brady needed to get some shopping done for the NGO and since I was almost done with my work, I decided to take an early break and help him out. Brady is a good friend and one of the volunteers at the NGO," he explained before I could ask him.

  "That was nice of you. Did he leave already, then?"

  "Yep, he had to deliver all the things to the office and I told him I'd go back to work after lunch," Luke said with a shrug as he pulled out a sandwich and handed it to me before taking one for himself. He also pulled out a basket of fries and placed it between us to share.

  We ate in silence after that, appreciating the last of the warm weather. Soon, the days will start getting colder and before you knew it, Christmas would be here.

  There weren't many people in the park at that time of the day, so it was pretty quiet compared to the voices seeping in from the world outside, like a little cocoon of peace just for the two of us.

  "How about a walk around the park before we head back to work?" Luke suggested as we crumpled up the wrappers and dumped them in the bin nearby.

  "Sure!" I agreed readily, glad that I wasn't the only one who didn't want our time together to end.

  As we walked, I realized this was the perfect moment to tell Luke about my weekend plans.

  "So, you know Mike?"

  "Your best friend?" I nodded. "I don't know him, but I know of him."

  I chuckled, "That works too. Okay, so apparently I haven't been hanging out with him as much as I used to. So he wants to go hiking this weekend, booked a cabin and everything. I'll be leaving Friday afternoon and be back by Sunday evening."

  Luke nodded, thought about something before turning to watch where he was going and spoke in a low voice, "Cabin? So are you two like...just friends or... together...or something?"

  I stumbled at the image of me and Mike being anything other than brothers and Luke had to grab me to keep me from falling. He steadied me but didn't say anything, biting his lip as he waited for my answer. I shook my head to push away the horrible image before chuckling.

  "God, no. Mike is straight, happily married and the father of my goddaughter. He's like a brother to me."

  "Oh, okay." Was that a hint of relief I detected in his tone? Probably not. "Sorry, I shouldn't have assumed anything. Hell, I don't even know if you're gay."

  "I am." I answered quickly, even though he wasn't really asking. Better to put it out there in case he was ever interested, right?

  "Uh, good to know." Luke fidgeted with his cuffs, telling me he was getting nervous or anxious and we needed a change of subject.

  "So, anyway yeah, we're heading out this weekend. I hope you don't mind?"

  "Of course not. Why would I?"

  I nodded without answering, because of course he could survive without hanging out with me for a weekend. What the hell had I even been thinking, asking him that? I checked my watch as we reached the part of the jogging track where we'd started our walk and realized I only had fifteen minutes of my lunch break remaining. "Time to get back to work."

  "Me too." Luke agreed. "Well, see you at home, then." He gave me a short wave before walking backward towards the second gate of the park that opened near the bus stop.

  "See you at home." I smiled at him before turning around and walking away. When I reached the gate, I looked back once and saw Luke standing near the gate, looking up at the yellow-green leaves of the maple trees with the sun lighting up his face and I'd honestly never seen anything so beautiful. I sighed softly before turning away, wishing I could capture that moment and keep it with me forever.

  On my way home after work on Thursday night, my phone rang. When I saw that it was Mike calling, I received the call on the car’s bluetooth as I drove. He’d left work a couple of hours earlier today, so I figured he was calling to settle our plans for tomorrow.

  “Hey, Scotty.”

  Uh-oh. He only called me that when he wanted something. Or when he was trying to butter me up.

  “What?” I answered warily, wondering where this was going.

  Mike sighed on the other end, sounding tired and I immediately straightened up, “You okay?”

  “I’m at the hospital. I’m okay, but Mia took a fall at school today. She’s got a broken arm and a sprained ankle.” Mia—his daughter and my goddaughter—was a bubbly, six-year-old kid that I loved more than anyone else in the world.

  “Oh, shit. Is she okay? What can I do to help? How’s Roch?”

  “She’s okay, don’t worry. Both of them are fine. They’re keeping her here overnight. I called because I can’t go hiking with you tomorrow, I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be an idiot, Mike. Of course you can’t go. Mia and Rochelle need you there. It’s okay, we can go some other time. I’ll come by the hospital first thing tomorrow.”

  “Actually, you won’t.”

  “What? What do you mean?”

  “Well, the cabin I booked is non-refundable. And there won’t be good hiking weather for a good while after this. And you’ve been working too hard for a long time. You deserve this break. Oh, and Ro told me to tell you that if you don’t go on the trip, you won’t get to eat any of her desserts for a whole year.”

  I gasped. “That’s insane! Why would she do that to me? I thought she loved me!”

  “Because she does love you and wants you to take this break and relax for a bit. Now will you go or should I tell her you won’t be needing the desserts?”

  “You’re both so mean.” I huffed. “Fine, I’ll go.”

  “Good. I’ll send you the directions to the cabin, though it’s near the same trails you used to hike before, so it won’t be hard to find. You can go alone or take someone. Just have fun, okay?”

 
“Yup. Let me know how Mia’s doing. I’ll Face Time her tomorrow before leaving.”

  Mike chuckled on the other end, “Will do. Have fun this weekend!”

  Once I ended the call, I contemplated going alone, but the idea of hiking alone didn’t appeal to me much. Honestly, if Mike couldn’t come, there was only one person I wanted to take, but I wasn’t sure if it was something he’d be up for. Especially since it was a weekend trip.

  I guess the only way to find out was by asking him.

  9 | Luke

  The walk with Scott on Tuesday had been so full of confusion that I still couldn’t get it out of my head. As I made a simple dinner of pasta and garlic bread, my thoughts turned back to the strange emotions I’d felt when talking to Scott. When he’d told me about going on a trip with his friend for the weekend, the first thing I’d felt was disappointment. I was disappointed because I wouldn’t get to spend the weekend with him like we usually did. And when he’d told me they would be sharing a cabin, I’d felt the weird, unfamiliar tinge of jealousy in my stomach. I still couldn’t figure out why I’d felt that. Was it because I hadn’t wanted to share my friend with someone else?

  But the thing that confused me the most was the relief I’d felt when he’d told me his friend was straight and he was gay. Why had I felt such relief when he’d admitted that? He was just a close friend, right? He couldn’t be more than that because I could never be more than that.

  I tried to shake away the thoughts as I turned the stove off and headed into the living room.Picking up my phone from the coffee table, I was about to call Scott to ask him if he’d be late when the front door opened and Scott walked into the room, his shoulders slumped in exhaustion from the long workday. Hopefully, the food will help get some of his usual cheerful energy back into his system.