‘As if I hadn’t had enough of it for over a bloody hour, now I have to listen to it on the damn baby monitor?’
‘Listen to what?’ I looked up at him stunned, wondering what the hell was going on with him.
‘Don’t try pretending you didn’t put my mother up to it. As if her monthly lecture on letting Moira go and moving on wasn’t bad enough, now I have her nagging me telling me that you’re unhappy because you want another baby,’ he snapped. I gasped and stood up to face him.
‘The whole Moira issue is between you and Luiza, I haven’t once brought that up since I got here,’ I reminded him.
‘Well you weren’t exactly supportive on Friday or today.’ He scowled at me making me gulp. He was so damn intimidating, I wished I was wearing some heels so I was more level with him.
‘We had guests, it’s not exactly a “fun” afternoon out to visit a comatose woman on a daily basis and if you’re getting stuff off your chest then so will I. I don’t plan on nagging you about it, because it has to be your decision in your own time, but I’ll be damned if you’re going to drag Oliver and I there on a daily basis, especially in winter putting us all at risk skiing down that damn snowy mountain, for a woman who doesn’t even know us, let alone know we’re there.’
‘I thought relationships were about supporting each other.’
‘Yes and by forcing me to do something I don’t want to do you’re just as guilty of neglect, Dan. Not going with you every day doesn’t mean I don’t feel for you or realise that you’re suffering, but I have a life too. What are you going to tell Oliver when he’s old enough to understand? Your actions will tell him that he needs to punish himself for life, for one small mistake.’
‘This is not your concern,’ he yelled, as he shoved a hand through his hair.
‘It is when you’re getting mad with me about it. It’s not my fault you and your parents had an argument about it. I get you feeling pressured, but don’t lay all that shit at my door and make out like I’m the one to blame for your crappy mood,’ I hissed, as I shoved him and tried to go back indoors. His long fingers quickly circled my wrist and pulled me back and he forced me down into the chair again.
‘We’re not done here,’ he barked, as his eyes blazed with anger.
‘Well I say we are,’ I bit back and got up again. ‘I’m your partner, not a subordinate who has to take a verbal beating because you’re pissed about things. I didn’t force myself on you, I tried to stay away and you came after me, you pursued me and asked me to be a part of your life and that doesn’t include you shutting me out and ordering me around like a child.’
‘And there’s that word again. Child. You don’t ask my mother to make a plea on your behalf because you want to get pregnant again, especially not knowing how I feel.’
‘Not that you even thought to ask my side of it, but I never asked your mother to say anything, in fact I categorically told her not to. I said that hopefully in time you’d come around to the idea of having another baby.’
‘Damn it, she never knows when to stop interfering,’ he muttered through his clenched teeth and tense jaw.
‘There’s such a thing as an apology you know,’ I suggested, as I shook my head in disbelief.
‘Why the hell are you discussing more children with my mother in the first place? You know it’s not an option.’
‘I’m sorry, remind me again when we had an adult conversation about this subject and both agreed that it wasn’t one?’’ I glared at him again and crossed my arms so he wouldn’t see my hands were shaking. I didn’t like conflict but I was so angry with him.
‘We had the conversation when we split up last time, I told you getting you pregnant wasn’t something I could put either of us through.’
‘That was then Dan, before I actually did get pregnant and had Oliver. I hoped that at some stage we could revisit your concerns given that I got through it all without one single complication. I get that you’re scared I really …’
‘Do you?’ he interrupted, anger laced through his voice. ‘Tell me exactly how I feel? How watching my girlfriend die in my arms while trying to give birth to my damn son felt? Tell me I’m being fucking irrational for not wanting to risk you too? Don’t preach about things you know nothing about, Ellie.’
‘I’m not preaching,’ I responded quietly, scared of antagonising him anymore. ‘Of course I can’t understand how you feel, I doubt many people could, but I’m here and I’m willing to listen to your fears to try and help you and you’re not working with me. You’re trying to shut me down, without understanding that I have fears of never being able to have another child with you.’
‘We have Oliver, why do you need more?’
‘Because we were both only children, Dan. I always wished I had a sibling. We were so poor my parents were too embarrassed to have friends over, so I never went to other kids’ parties as we couldn’t invite them back. I never really had any friends as a child. Beautiful as it is here, and as wonderful an environment it is to bring him up, he’s going to need friends and we’re not exactly surrounded by them. The nearest school is an hour away, we have no immediate neighbours, and there can’t be that many children in the village. A younger brother or sister would be amazing for him.’
‘As soon as he’s old enough he’ll go to boarding school like I did, he’ll soon have plenty of friends.’
‘He’ll what?’ I gasped.
‘It’s traditional. Every man in my family went to Eaton from the age of thirteen. We can enrol him in Merchiston in Edinburgh from age seven to thirteen, then Eaton to the age of eighteen before he goes to University. We can pick him up every weekend.’
‘Like hell we will,’ I glared, absolutely seething. ‘I am not putting my child into a boarding school at the tender age of seven and don’t you dare interrupt me again,’ I warned with a finger in his face as he went to speak. ‘Schooling can be discussed when he’s older, me having another child is a topic that has more urgency because I don’t want a large age gap.’
‘I’m telling you it’s not happening,’ he growled.
‘And I’m telling you that it’s a subject we are going to discuss before you dismiss it with no consideration for my feelings. I moved here against my better judgement because you listened to my concerns and came up with answers to each of them, I made an informed choice. All I’m asking is that you do the same. You talk to me, Dan. You open up to me and we discuss the risks rationally without you yelling at me like some … domineering arsehole.’
‘I hate that fucking insult, sticking me in the same league as that dickhead,’ he roared, as he picked up a glass of wine from the table and flung it on the floor in a temper. I gasped and hopped backwards in my bare feet to avoid getting cut and because right now he was scary. ‘Where the hell are you going?’
‘Back inside because I can’t talk to you while you’re acting like this, I won’t be locking the door because we don’t need another log throwing incident, like you’re some bloody contestant at the Highland Games tossing a damn caber. Go away and calm down, but do it with the knowledge that this is a conversation you’re going to have to face with me one day. Shutting me down and dictating isn’t going to work. This is important to me.’
‘So we’re back to bloody blackmail? Agree to get you pregnant or you leave me? Or what, you’ll get knocked up again on purpose hoping I’ll stick around a second time.’
‘You know what, forget the domineering part, you’re just an arsehole,’ I uttered in disbelief, as I slapped him and he looked at me stunned as he rubbed his cheek. ‘I didn’t think you could possibly say anything more hurtful than you already had, but you just had to go and prove me wrong. I’m sleeping with Oliver tonight and don’t even think about breaking that door down, because you can bully me all you like, but you won’t scare our son or it will be the last thing you ever do.’ I choked back the tears and ran into the house, up the stairs and locked myself in with him. He was fast asleep, his perfect little l
ips slightly parted and his hands bunched up into tiny fists by his head. A mini Dan look alike, I just prayed he wouldn’t suffer like his father had and end up with the same toxic ball of self-hatred and fear inside him, because it would kill me. Just like it must have killed Luiza and Daniel to see their son suffer for so long. I quickly shut myself in the en-suite and sat on the toilet lid and started to sob, out of sheer frustration.
Dan
I slumped down in the chair and covered my face with my hands. What the fuck was wrong with me? You’ve just had an hours’ battering from your mother, assumed the worst, got worked up on the journey home and took it out on Ellie, I thought. I was tempted to run straight after her to apologise, but it was probably best I calmed down first. She was liable to still be mad and that would just work me up again, emotionally and sexually. I’d never had a woman challenge me the way that she did, not one that wasn’t family or adopted family at least, and sparring with her like that just made me want to throw her over my shoulder, take her up to the bedroom, tie her up, spank her then fuck her. Hard. I took a few calming breaths. I’d be having words with my mother tomorrow for winding me up, words that would probably end up in a Portuguese shouting match as they often did when we disagreed. Wasn’t love supposed to be easy? I wondered.
I really hadn’t seen her wanting another baby coming, we’d not even discussed it. Then again we were only just over four weeks into a relationship, I mean who the hell discussed having kids after a month? I still wasn’t clear if she was giving me an ultimatum, if she was, could I seriously let my fears and male pride stand in the way of my feelings for her? I was in love, painful, claw at your insides, can’t stand to be apart from her love. Then there was Oliver. There was no way I was letting either of them walk out of my life. I let out a frustrated groan. The common factor in everyone’s frustrations was me. I was the one that was causing all these problems and I’d come up here to stay away and not be a burden to anyone. So much for that damn plan. I watched the sun set and listened to the silence around me, I found it calming. I’d got so used to being on my own up here, with nothing to focus on but how I’d lost so much, I was letting it stop me from seeing how much I’d now gained and what I stood to lose if I didn’t deal with my guilt and fears once and for all.
I headed into the dark house, locked the door behind me and went upstairs. Our bed was empty. I pulled out my wallet and found a fifty pence piece and headed over to Oliver’s room. The locks were turned from the inside, but had the ability to be opened from the outside with a screwdriver, a fifty pence coin did the trick though. I slowly opened the door to see the teddy lamp was on, Oliver was fast asleep in his cot and Ellie was curled up in the nursing chair. I stood looking at her and felt my stomach somersault as I walked over and carefully lifted her up. Her head flopped against my shoulder and I winced to see tear tracks down her face. I carried her out and closed Oliver’s door behind me, then lay her down on our bed and started undoing the buttons on her shirt. I paused as my cock sprung at the sight of green lace covering her breasts. She knew green was a weakness of mine, like I needed anymore weaknesses around her. I swallowed hard and carried on with a soft groan to see she was wearing some kind of damn sexy corset, with matching lace knickers that came into view as I pulled her jeans off.
She moaned and stretched out, arching her back, pushing her breasts out and elongating her long shapely legs. It was just like the night I undressed her when she was drunk that first December, utter fucking torture to know she was so close to naked, so close to me, and I couldn’t do anything about it. Girlfriend or not, I wasn’t the kind of shit that would take advantage when she was blind drunk, or half asleep after an argument, no matter how much my balls ached. I headed to the bathroom, stripped off and took a cold shower, while I brought myself to a fast climax, hoping it would at least take the edge off needing her so badly when I walked back to our bed. I climbed on next to her, we’d taken to sleeping on top of the sheets given it was so hot, but I still wanted her in my arms each night and tonight was no different. I gently pulled her to me and wrapped myself around her.
‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered as I kissed the top of her head. ‘Don’t hate me, I’m really trying.’
‘Very trying,’ she murmured against my chest and my shoulders jerked in a silent laugh.
‘Sleep baby, we’ll talk tomorrow. Calmly, I promise.’
‘Is Oliver’s door still intact?’ she mumbled, still half asleep.
‘Yes and he’s fast asleep, like you need to be. I’ll go to him if he needs us tonight. I love you, Ellie Baxter.’ I kissed her again, waiting for her usual response, but she’d already fallen back asleep. I sighed and tightened my grip on her. All those years alone, in my own fortress of solitude, supposedly manly, strong and independent, and now my nights weren’t complete without hearing three damn little words from her.
Day Twenty Three
Friday 24th June ~ Year Three
Ellie
‘Come on, baby,’ I coaxed, as he chortled and moved his chubby legs as fast as he could to keep up with me, as I left his new bedroom and headed through the play room to the kitchen. I laughed as I watched him move with his arms held out, which made him laugh even harder.
‘Mama,’ he squealed, as he lifted his podgy arms in the air for me to pick him up.
‘Oliver, you should be walking everywhere not asking mummy to carry you,’ I told him, but picked him up regardless. I couldn’t resist cuddles with him and soon he’d be too big for me to carry around, I wanted to make the most of it. The last ten months living with Dan had flown by and so much had happened. Oliver had started walking just before his first birthday, wobbly walking of just a few steps, but Dan had been the proudest father alive and I was so happy he’d been home to witness it. I’d missed his first words as I’d been at the hotel with clients. He and Dan had bonded so well that naturally his first words were Dada, but Mama came soon after. He was growing up each day and was no longer my sleepy, cuddly little baby, but an inquisitive, boisterous, constantly on the go little fourteen month old boy. I had to keep my eye on him all the time, if I looked away for a minute he was off.
The extension had finally been completed. Regardless of how much money Dan had, Scottish weather didn’t care and we’d had another horrendous winter and early spring, which had hampered progress. The house was simply amazing now though, with so much room, light and space and looked as if the extension had been here all along. We’d all moved into our new bedrooms, Dan and Oliver loved spending time together in the playroom and it warmed my heart to hear them in there while I was cooking meals. Dan had reclaimed his old office and I’d moved over to our old bedroom which he’d had kitted out for me. Mrs. McAdams would look after Oliver downstairs while we were both upstairs working, but it was great to be able to hear his squeals of laughter and to look across the house to see Dan smiling as well.
I felt my heart skip a beat as I thought of Dan. I was even more in love with him than I’d ever been, and I felt like I was making real progress with him. He was only visiting Moira now on a Tuesday and Thursday, so we had the weekends to ourselves and there wasn’t so much pressure if we wanted a long weekend trip, or for our monthly stays down in London. He’d finally come around to agreeing for me to try for another baby, though I could tell the thought still scared him to death. I knew if I was lucky enough to get pregnant again, I was going to be under twenty-four hour watch and molly-cuddled to death, but it would be so worth it in the end.
I smiled again as the word “molly-cuddled” made me think of Molly and Brooke. They were regular visitors, and we still texted or emailed at least once a day, at a minimum, with facetime calls every few days too. Molly had accepted Brooke’s proposal in Paris, Brooke having set up her iPhone to record the moment during dinner up the Eiffel Tower, so I could watch it back. I was looking forward to a facetime catch up with her later. I’d convinced Dan to go to the pub to play pool with Pete and Conn. While his best friend Logan tried t
o come up as often as he could, and we saw him the odd time in London, his busy “work” schedule prevented them from getting together as often as they’d like. I felt it was important for Dan to socialise more and it seemed to help. He was far more relaxed and we hadn’t really had any major blow outs since last year, when I’d locked myself in Oliver’s room.
‘Mamamamamam,’ Oliver chanted, as he tugged at my hair to get my attention again.
‘I’m sorry, I was ignoring you wasn’t I?’ I smiled and gave him a kiss, which made him beam. He really was a miniature Dan, though not so much with the miniature. He was tall for his age with a stocky frame. He had Dan’s facial features, dark hair and a mixture of my clear green eyes and Dan’s with the amber flecks. He was a simply gorgeous looking boy. I heard a noise upstairs and looked up to see Dan leaning over the bannister of his office watching us.
31 Days of Summer (31 Days #2) Page 33