by Kim Baldwin
*
Megan was relieved to wake up alone the next morning. She hoped that a few minutes alone in the stark light of a new day might help her make some sense of what had happened. And why what had happened had hurt so much.
She wanted to say it didn’t matter. It was only that she wasn’t often turned down. And certainly not right in the middle of things like that. Your ego is bruised, that’s all. You’ll get over it.
But it did matter. Chaz’s rejection stung. And part of the reason it hurt so much was that she had to admit that she herself couldn’t have stopped what was happening. She had totally lost control. She had been more turned on than she could ever remember, more lost in the sensations pouring through her body than she’d imagined she could be.
It was somehow…more with Chaz. More passionate, more sensual, more arousing. More even than with Rita. But apparently it’s not more for Chaz. She doesn’t want you enough to let it happen.
The sense of loss she felt was overpowering. Tears came to her eyes, but she brushed them roughly away. Damn you, Chaz.
She was certainly not going to let Chaz see how humiliated she felt. She needed some distance. The first thing she had to do was get a new tent mate.
Chapter Thirteen
Chaz wasn’t really surprised that it was the Royal Ice Bitch who came to breakfast. She knew she had hurt and humiliated Megan, and she regretted it with every fiber of her being. But she could think of no way to make things right. She just hoped the awkward truce they’d agreed upon in the end would make it possible to continue the trip without inflicting tension on everyone else.
They were off to a great start.
Megan avoided looking at her, talking to her, or interacting with her at all. She sat off by herself with a cup of coffee, staring at the river, while the rest of them had wild blueberry pancakes. Justine went over to talk to her, and the two moved into a huddle, speaking in hushed tones. Chaz tried not to imagine what Megan must be saying about her “performance.”
“What happened between you two?” Sally asked Chaz when they stepped away from the others to wash the morning dishes.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” she said, not meeting Sally’s eyes.
“Megan made a pass at you, didn’t she?” Sally guessed. “And you turned her down and hurt her feelings.”
Worse. I got her all turned on, and then I said stop. “Something like that.”
“That was dumb. Really dumb.” Sally shook her head. “Then I’m sorry that I encouraged her.”
“What did you do?”
“Let her know you were interested in her, but not likely to make the first move.”
Shit. I bet she’s incredibly embarrassed, then, in addition to everything else. “You shouldn’t have done that.”
“Silly me, I thought I was doing you a favor. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this way with anyone. And she seems to be nuts about you, too. I don’t see the problem here.”
“She only wants one more in a long list of conquests,” Chaz said. “And you know I’m not like that.”
Sally was silent for a moment. “Sorry, then.” She put one arm around Chaz’s shoulders and gave her a brief hug. “I guess I shouldn’t have interfered.”
Chaz sighed. “You mean well.”
A short distance away, Justine poured another cup of coffee and studied Chaz as she took a sip. Slumped shoulders. Dejected expression. Just like someone else I know.
She returned to sit beside Megan, determined to get her to open up about what was going on.
It had grieved Justine to watch Megan put up walls around herself after Rita left, to see her never let anyone too close, harden herself against hurt, and work herself to death in the process. But something had changed in her here in Alaska. There was a vulnerability about Megan now, a softness to her. “Still not hungry?” she asked her brooding friend.
“Not much of an appetite this morning,” Megan said evasively.
Justine could see that Megan hadn’t slept well. She had dark circles under her eyes, and she seemed edgy and restless. “Want to talk about it?”
“I hate the way you can read me like a book,” Megan griped, not unkindly.
“Chaz, right?”
Megan blew out an exasperated breath. “Well, I sure made a fool of myself last night. I really thought she was interested. So I…you know…let her know I was. I kissed her.”
“And? She wasn’t receptive?” Justine’s voice registered her surprise.
“Well, she sure as hell kissed me back,” Megan said, a bit of her embarrassed anger resurfacing at the memory of Chaz’s rejection. “But then she backed off and said it wasn’t going to happen.”
“Did she say why?”
Megan didn’t answer immediately. “She said she wasn’t into one-night stands,” she finally admitted.
“Ah.” Justine nodded her head. “So it’s not that she wasn’t interested in you…just what you could offer her.”
Megan looked up at her angrily. “What’s that supposed to mean? We’re only here for another few days. Couldn’t be anything more, anyway.”
“Would you like it to be?”
Megan opened her mouth to answer, but the quick retort she had planned died on her lips. The answer to that question should certainly have been no. It had been no for so long…no strings, no commitments, no promises, no entanglements…that the sudden realization that she might indeed want more with Chaz caught her so off guard that she felt a little shell-shocked.
“I thought so.” Justine laid a hand on Megan’s shoulder. “Girlfriend, I think you need to think seriously about this one. Maybe it isn’t possible, but…I’ve seen a change in you these last few days. You seem a lot happier and more relaxed out here than I’ve seen you in…gosh, years, I guess.”
“Justine,” Megan said wearily. “We live hundreds of miles apart.”
“Funny but I thought it was you who once told me…never say never.” With that, Justine walked back to the group, leaving Megan to consider her words.
It’s just not possible, she repeated to herself, over and over. You have a nice comfortable life. Better stick with the plan and switch tents and just try to forget about her and get through the next few days.
There was no way, however, she was going to take the obvious route. Although she was anxious to put some distance between them, she didn’t want to give Elise any prime opportunities with Chaz. So if she wanted to switch tents and still get a good night’s sleep, there was only one alternative.
She got her opportunity after breakfast when the group dispersed to pack up their gear to leave. Yancey was beside their kayaks, braiding her long blond hair into a pigtail, when Megan joined her. It was a routine she followed every time they set off, so she could keep her hair out of her eyes when they were paddling.
“Hey, there,” she greeted Megan. “You were awful quiet this morning. Everything copasetic?”
“That’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about,” Megan said. “I have a favor to ask.”
“Shoot.”
“Would you mind bunking in with Chaz the rest of the trip?”
Yancey stopped what she was doing and studied Megan’s face. “Sure. Fine with me.”
“Great.”
“You know that Elise volunteered to stay with Chaz?” Yancey reminded her.
“I’d rather that you did.”
Yancey’s brow furrowed in confusion. “Mind telling me why?”
Megan sighed heavily and looked away, out at the distant mountains. “Because Elise has the hots for her. And so do I. And she’s made it clear she’s not interested in either one of us.”
Yancey frowned in sympathy. “That’s rough. Well, if you’re certain that’s what you want, I don’t mind switching.”
“I appreciate it.” Megan forced a smile. “I’ll talk to Elise about it later. Would you mind telling Chaz?”
“Sure,” Yancey said. “I can do that.”
*
&nb
sp; They had finished loading their gear into the raft and were putting on their PFDs, spray skirts, and helmets, when a thick cloud of mosquitoes descended on them from out of nowhere. They had no tents to escape into this time, so there was a mad scramble into their kits for head nets and repellent.
“Damn it!” Pat cursed, swatting at her neck as a half dozen of the tiny tormenters bit her simultaneously. “Get off of me!”
“Where did they come from?” Linda complained. “How can they all appear at once like this?”
“The wind died down,” Chaz explained, as she sprayed herself. “It tends to keep them at bay. That’s why we’ve been so lucky this whole trip—there’s been a nice breeze with us most all the time.”
“Can I borrow someone’s repellent?” Megan asked no one in particular, furiously swatting at her neck, hands, and face. “The bear ate mine.” She gagged as she inhaled several of the bugs. “Yuck!”
“Here, I have a spare net,” Chaz offered, stepping toward Megan with a head net in her outstretched hand.
Megan hesitated for a moment. Taking anything from Chaz was the last thing she wanted to do. But the high-pitched buzzing in her ears was about to drive her insane. “Thanks,” she mumbled, grabbing the head net and putting it on.
Chaz held out her can of repellent, and she took that, too, and sprayed her hands.
When she handed it back, she met Chaz’s eyes and saw a look of remorse there. Her anger about their encounter melted just a little. If she was really being honest, she had to admit that she herself was mostly to blame. She had pushed herself on Chaz and continued to after Chaz had said stop. That was sure some class act, all right, she berated herself. What must she think of me now? Probably that I don’t care about anyone but myself.
Soon they were underway, and the river’s growing challenges were enough to keep her distracted. The Odakonya sped up as they paddled along, demanding more and more of their attention by the mile. The river kept dropping in elevation, and there were numerous rocks and boulders scattered about that they had to be careful to avoid. Once or twice, Megan was so busy watching something—an eagle soaring past, or a small animal trotting along in the distance—that she nearly crashed into some obstacle in the river that seemed to loom up at her without warning.
Shortly before they were to stop for lunch, the river took them into a narrow canyon, with steep cliff walls rising sharply on either side. On the right bank, there was nowhere to walk at all—and on the left, only a six-foot-wide strip of rocky terrain guaranteed to twist an ankle if you weren’t paying attention.
Chaz motioned the clients to beach their kayaks. “As I recall, our first potentially tough stretch is up around the next bend,” she announced as she got out of her boat. “I’m going to scout ahead, and I’d like everyone to come with me.”
They all got out of their kayaks and picked their way downstream single file, until they came to a vantage point where they could see the most difficult section of the rapids ahead. Chaz pointed out the route they would take, explaining the tricky parts and how the current would act around the boulders and eddies.
“These don’t look too bad, and I don’t think any of you will have any problems if you follow my line,” Chaz said. “Everybody feeling good about that?”
The clients all nodded.
“Okay, then. We’ll go through one at a time, and be sure to space yourselves out. I want to alternate the more experienced people with the lesser. So Megan will go behind me, then Pat, then Elise, Linda, Justine, Yancey, and Sally last. Let’s go!”
They returned to their kayaks and got back underway.
Megan gripped her paddle tighter. She was feeling pretty confident about her abilities and really looking forward to the challenges ahead. Every bit of whitewater they hit energized her with a burst of adrenalin. Her body was buzzing with it.
All the women made it through that stretch without difficulty, Sally bringing up the rear in the raft.
After a quick stop for sandwiches, they came to three more places where Chaz pulled them over to scout ahead. Each time, she pointed out the route and told the women that it looked very doable for all of them, but she gave them a chance to choose to portage around it. None of them took it.
At one point Megan seemed hesitant, and Chaz wanted to suggest she take the easier option, but she felt certain her suggestion would be rejected, and she was reluctant to single Megan out in front of the others. She knew she was on thin ice, and Yancey’s quick word about the new tent-sharing arrangements had driven that point home.
It’s probably all for the best, she told herself yet again. She could do without the temptation of Megan lying beside her. And Megan obviously wanted nothing more to do with her after their stressful night. She’ll go home and find another conquest and forget all about me. That realization depressed her much more than she thought it would, and she had to force herself to focus on their fifth stop.
“That area could be tricky.” Chaz pointed to a section beyond the curve that was crowded with boulders.
The only way through was a narrow channel of swift water that dropped at least three feet. “It’s a straight shot through if you line up carefully. And from seeing how all of you are doing today, I think everyone’s certainly capable of this. But if you have any reservations whatsoever—and I mean any—you might want to portage here.” She cast a pointed look at Elise and Megan.
“I’m good to go,” Elise said immediately.
“So am I,” Megan agreed. This next stretch did look rather intimidating, but she was not going to be the only one to walk it. Though she tried not to let her nerves get to her, she allowed them to distract her more than she realized. When she returned to her kayak and put her helmet back on, she meant to fasten the chin strap securely but, in her haste to take her place, forgot.
They proceeded forward in the same order as before, with Megan directly behind Chaz. In no time, they came to the narrow channel they’d viewed from the bank. “Here we go. Careful here,” Chaz hollered back as she lined up and floated through.
Megan was next.
Her approach was nearly perfect, but the current swept her kayak sideways right as she neared the gap. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. A burst of adrenalin surged through her bloodstream, and her heart felt like it was going to explode in her chest.
“Reverse sweep on your left side!” She heard Chaz’s voice above the roar of the water but couldn’t manage to get her paddle in position quickly enough.
She entered the gap all wrong, and she knew she was done for. It looked as though both the front and back of her kayak were going to hit the boulders on either side. She tried to brace herself at the last second for the impact, but she was so intent on doing that, she paid no attention to the position of her paddle.
The paddle blade hit the left boulder and threw her off balance. A millisecond later, the kayak slammed into the other boulder with a loud thwack and finished the job.
She went over.
Everything from there happened in slow motion. She managed to suck in a great big breath, but her heart was beating so loud and so fast she wasn’t sure she could hold it very long.
When the cold hit her it was like a sharp slap in the face, a shock that made her want to cry out and lose that precious, precious air. She found herself spinning in a maelstrom of churning water. In a flash, her helmet and her paddle were carried away by the current. She couldn’t keep her eyes open, couldn’t see a damn thing, and she didn’t know which end was up. All was a chaos of whitewater, and she had no way and no hope of righting herself.
Oh, fuck. This is bad.
Her lungs were ready to burst. She tried not to panic as she grappled for the release tab on her spray skirt.
Chapter Fourteen
Chaz watched in horror as Megan’s kayak slammed against the boulders and overturned. The current was so strong she had to paddle furiously in order to stay in place. She was trying to position herself to intercept Megan’s kayak as it was swept down
stream, when the worried chorus of the others reached her ears.
“Megan’s gone over!”
“Watch out!”
“Don’t bunch up!”
“Back paddle!”
“Oh, shit! Does anybody see her?”
Chaz’s breathing accelerated with every second that passed without Megan reappearing. She kept her attention on the overturned kayak as she stroked powerfully toward it, but risked glances around her, hoping to spot Megan in the water.
She saw Megan’s red helmet float past her, out of reach, and felt a stab of fear.
Somehow Pat suddenly appeared beside Chaz, skillfully maneuvering her own boat into a position to help. They reached the bright yellow kayak at the same time from two sides and managed to get it turned partially over—enough to see that Megan was out of the cockpit.
“She’s out!” Chaz yelled to the others as she desperately scanned the water around her.
“There she is!” Yancey cried, pointing toward a car-sized rock in the middle of the river farther downstream.
Megan was hanging on precariously with one hand, her head barely above water. Her face was contorted in pain. She had her PFD on, but there was a deep black hole of churning water downstream of the rock, and its sucking whirlpool was pulling her down.
“Hang on, Megan!” Chaz screamed. Her heart thudded in her chest as she dug in her paddle and raced toward the rock.
Megan looked right at her then, with such terror in her eyes that Chaz’s own fear rose, the taste of it sour in her mouth. She was only four feet away when Megan’s hand slipped from the rock, and her head disappeared beneath the surface as she was sucked into the hole. Chaz lunged after her, almost overturning, but her groping hand found nothing but water.
Megan bobbed to the surface several yards downstream, coughing violently.
“There!” Several voices yelled at once.
Chaz sped toward Megan as first Pat, and then Linda, tried to toss Megan their rescue lines. Pat’s fell short, and Linda’s landed several yards to the left, and the current took it downstream and away.