Yours and Mine (Friends with Benefits)

by Lacey Silks

  “Hi,” I said.

  “Hi, I—”

  “I know I should have called first, but I don’t even have your phone number.”

  “Jo, my home is your home. Always. Come in, please.” He stepped to the side, opening the door further. I brushed past him, my arm inadvertently grazing against his, and the most pleasant chills swept through my body. A flicker of impatience sparked in my chest because all my body wanted was to press against him. All I needed was to be in his arms. I wanted him to remind me what it felt like to be held, cared for, and loved.

  The delicious aroma of a home-cooked meal filled the room. I looked around the pristine home, immediately welcomed by its warmth.

  “I brought something.” I passed him the box of letters I’d written over the past three years, and never sent, the compilation of my grief, heartache, Mackenzie’s milestones, and wishes for his return that I’d made on the falling stars. The ones I’d never sent because I thought he was dead. “I thought you might want to read some of these before you come over tomorrow.”

  Caught off guard, he reached for the box and opened the lid. “Letters?”

  What? Was he actually waiting for me to do the spread eagle for him as soon as I walked in? Yeah, it appeared that I wasn’t the only one expecting more than a spark of excitement from my visit. Instead of that spark, I’d entered into an inferno of lust and desire the moment I stepped over that threshold. A bead of sweat dripped down my back.

  “I wrote them after they told me you died. I didn’t want to believe it. They kept me somewhat sane.”

  “Do you talk about Carter in these?”

  “Yes.”

  He looked at me, confused. “Jo, I’m not sure I want to know those parts.”

  “What parts?”

  “About you and Carter. I mean, I understand, because you thought I was dead and you have needs and Carter’s a good-looking man and...”

  “Whoa, hold on there. Nick, I’ve never… we’ve never… Carter’s just a friend. You’re the only man I’ve ever been with.”

  “What?”

  “Why does that surprise you?”

  “He’s not with Molly.”

  “So? He’s a good friend.”

  “So you two have been living in his house as friends?”

  “Yes. I couldn’t move on after they told me about you. Believe me, I tried, but your home reminded me of you, and I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t breathe when each time I looked around, I saw a memory of you; of us. Knowing that you were gone and would never come back hurt me every minute I was there. I broke down after the first year and moved in with Carter.”

  “And you two have never—”

  I shook my head. He breathed out in relief and rested his hands on the chair in front of him. “Thank God.”

  I tried to put myself in Nick’s shoes, wondering how I’d feel if he moved in with another woman, even if she were my best friend. I didn’t think I’d like the idea.

  “Anyways, I’ll leave these here for you.” My voice shook. “I should go. Mackenzie’s been cleaning her room for two days now, and I promised her we’d make a special cake for tomorrow.”

  He let go of the chair, stepped closer, and took me by my hips. The heat of his touch seared through my dress, and more beads of sweat instantly formed on my spine, slowly trickling down. I didn’t expect him to be holding me for this long. I wanted him to, but I didn’t think he would. Heck, I hadn’t expected him to touch me like this at all. Now that he had, I couldn’t pull away.

  “Join me for dinner,” he pleaded, his voice deeper than before and full of need; or maybe it was just me.

  “They’re expecting me back.” That was a lie, of course. I’d already told Carter that I might be out for a while. He’d wanted to high five me, but I refused, once again denying to myself the real reason for coming over.

  “Then call Carter. We have a lot to catch up on. He’ll understand.”

  I removed my phone from my purse and texted Carter that we might need to postpone the cake baking until tomorrow morning. He replied immediately with three kiss emojis plus a thumbs up, and I turned the volume on my phone off. Knowing Carter, he’d be teasing me for the next few hours.

  “You cooked?” I asked.

  “Yes, I’m starving.”

  His tone made the goosebumps on my arms dance. I shook them off, feeling that it was too early to give my body what it wanted – and it definitely wanted it all. It wanted him like a thirsty survivor who’d crossed the Sahara.

  “Have a seat, Jo. Let’s talk over dinner.” He pulled out a chair for me. I took my seat, feeling his gaze on me the whole time. Nick took a tray of baby baked potatoes, grilled asparagus, and chicken breast out of the oven. It looked like the food had been waiting there for this specific moment, as if he’d been expecting me to come over this evening.

  “You cooked for an army.”

  “Well, I was hoping I’d have company over; I just didn’t realize it would take you two full days to stop by.” His voice was teasing and flirtatious.

  “I wanted to drop by yesterday, but I didn’t know if I should.”

  “I’m glad you’re here. Wine?” he asked.

  I nodded. Some alcohol right now would definitely ease my nerves. I downed half a glass in a few swift gulps and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. Nick appeared amused.

  “What?”

  “I’ve never seen you like this.”

  “Like how?”

  “You’ve always been beautiful, Jo. But now you’re this breathtaking woman, and I can’t keep my eyes off you. You’re different.”

  “Don’t flirt.”

  Despite what I said, I wanted him to, and he knew it.

  “Just stating the obvious.” He reached for the chicken and plated some for me, along with the veggies and potatoes. Instead of eating, I reached for my wine glass again and emptied it.”

  “If you don’t eat, that wine will get to your head much quicker.”

  “I sort of want it to. It makes me think less.”

  It makes me want to do things I’m not sure I’m ready for. It was giving me some much-needed courage.

  Desperate to not give into my needs, I asked. “Where are the sheep rugs?”

  “You said you didn’t think they would match.”

  “When we came here the first time?”

  He nodded. I didn’t think that he’d remember that. It was true. Everything he described that day was here, except for the rugs, and I loved it. This house was beautiful.

  I finally took a forkful of veggies and looked around his beautiful home. “I can’t believe you did all this.”

  “Not on my own.”

  “It’s breath-taking.” Exactly the way he’d described, with the deer antler chandelier and a spiral wooden staircase leading to the second level, where his bedroom must have been. The thought of his bed and Nick sleeping there, naked perhaps, made my head spin. Or maybe it was the good old wine working itself through my system.

  “You’re the one that’s breathtaking, Jo. You always have been.”

  Emotions swarmed through me at his compliment. The heat from my cheeks snaked to the core of my body, and I jabbed my fork into the chicken, wanting to concentrate on something other than the desire emanating from his deep voice.

  “This house will always feel empty without you. It will never be a home unless you’re here; it will just be a house.”

  I shook my head, not wanting to say no to him, but also not wanting to lead him on. I couldn’t just leave Carter’s and move here. I couldn’t uproot Mackenzie. The time that had passed between us forged mountains of uncertainty. And since I didn’t know how to reply, I changed the topic once again.

  “How did no one know you were working on this?

  “I don’t need much to survive. And I made Mrs. Crafton promise when I did groceries. I cleaned up her yard in exchange and fixed the shingles on her old shed.”

  “Well, that was sneaky.”

>   “You gotta do what you gotta do. The Navy compensated me for the whole telling my family I died mistake. They would have compensated you as well, if you were my wife.”

  My attention was drawn to the ringless finger on my left hand. Yeah, he might have gotten compensated, but I felt like I’d lost most of my heart the past three and a half years that I thought he was gone. My heart and my soul. If it hadn’t been for Mackenzie, I wouldn’t have been able to survive.

  “I’m sorry. I couldn’t wear it. I thought—”

  “You don’t have to explain yourself, Jo. I understand. You thought I was dead, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that you had to go through all that pain. If the situation was reversed, if it were me mourning my love, I… I couldn’t have been as strong as you. If I could turn back time, I would.”

  Time – we had it now, but I didn’t know how to use it best. I didn’t know how to take down those mountains, or at least, cross them.

  An awkward silence filled the room. It wasn’t that I was uncomfortable, but more confused.

  “Nick—”

  “You’re going to tell me you can’t live here, and I understand. But I can’t hear it now. Please don’t let me hear it, because the hope that I’ll one day have you back in my life is the only thing I can hang on to, no matter how impossible that sounds.”

  Why did he think it was impossible?

  “I need time. All this just feels like a dream. A happy dream, and since I haven’t had too many of those the past few years, it will take some getting used to.” I smiled.

  So much had happened and so much had changed. And honestly, all I wanted to do was to be held by him. I wanted that connection I knew we still had, but I didn’t know how to break through that five-year wall built between us. He didn’t say anything else. We both must have been lost to our thoughts, or at least I was, because the next thing I knew, dinner was done.

  “Why don’t you read some of those? And I’ll wash the dishes.” I pointed to the box of letters and pushed my chair away from the table.

  “All right.”

  He helped me clear the table before sitting down on his sofa. I turned on the faucet and poured soap onto the sponge, keeping my mind on the task so that I wouldn’t join him on the cushioned seat he sank into. There was a window by the sink, with a view of the back of our bakery and Nick’s old house. I wondered how many times Nick had seen me while he worked on the barn. I wanted to know about his life in the navy, what happened when he was deployed and whether he had any regrets.

  As I pulled the sponge over the plates and glasses, a feeling of calmness swept over me. This was how it would feel if we lived together; sharing dinners, talking, joking and enjoying each other’s company, and then cleaning up afterwards. Mackenzie could play outside. She’d wanted a pet bunny for a while now. Here, we could have a special bunny house right by the barn. Being here felt easy — in fact, the more time I spent here, the more the barn felt like home.

  I felt him behind me before he even touched me, and I froze. The water flowed from the faucet, and while I should have been washing the last plate, I couldn’t. He was too close. I closed my eyes and the hum of the running water brought back memories of when we had gotten lost on the camping trip, and kissed for the first time by the river.

  His front pressed against my back as his hands slid over my forearms to my palms, twining his fingers over the slick soap. The touch sent a new stampede of emotions rushing through my body. I leaned my head to the side and felt his hot breath feathering over my neck and then his lips skimmed my skin as he murmured, “God, how much I’ve missed you.”

  Nick slowly turned me around to face him. I was afraid to open my eyes and face reality. I still feared this wasn’t real.

  “I missed you too. You don’t want to read the letters?” I asked.

  “I do, but there’s something else I’d much rather do than read right now.” His wet hands grazed up my arms to my face. He took it between his hands, his thumb running over my bottom lip, his gaze concentrating on my mouth and mine trying to find his underneath that mustache and beard. When he kissed me, I giggled, pulling away.

  “That’s not the reaction I was expecting,” he said against my lips.

  “I’m sorry. It just tickles.”

  “I’ll shave it right now if it means I can kiss you.”

  I bit my lip, wanting to jump on the offer. “Why don’t you let me shave it?”

  He lowered his hands and gave me a bemused smile before stepping back. When Nick went up the spiral staircase to get what I assumed was his shaving kit, I finished washing the last plate and dried my hands. By the time I’d pulled one of the chairs away from the table and brought it closer to the sink, Nick had returned.

  “It hasn’t been used in a while.” He passed me the razor.

  “I promise to be gentle. You sure you want to part with this?” I tugged at his beard playfully.

  “Yeah, it looks like I may be getting a new start in life, so it only fits that I shave it.”

  A new start… could we, please?

  “Well, I don’t know about shaving. I have to cut it first.” I reached for the scissors. “Were you planning on becoming a bear?”

  “I wasn’t planning. But I was hoping that maybe one day, I could become yours again.”

  I gasped.

  Mine?

  I knew the words were difficult for Nick to say. It was always his rooftop, his bakery, his stone skipping records, his need to run missions for the navy, and his decisions. And here he was, that strong man who’d completed one of the most difficult trainings of a lifetime, who fought for our country and freedom, offering himself to me — a simple country girl.

  I couldn’t reply to him. Instead, I took the scissors and slowly cut away at the growth on his face, careful not to touch his skin too much because, after all, I needed to concentrate. Once the hair was less than an inch long, I lathered him and gently pulled the razor over the bristles. He sat with his eyes closed, waiting for me to finish, trusting me with the sharp blade in my hand. I took my time, gently scraping the foam off. It was easier to be this close to him now, and as the hair came off, I slowly started seeing my Nick. I leaned over to the other side, felt his breath near my chest, and I stilled. If I inched any closer, his lips would touch my skin. I cleaned him with the kitchen towel, and when I pulled my hand away to set it aside, he opened his eyes and took hold of my wrist.

  I stared into his eyes, captivated.

  “I am not a man without you, Joelle. If you’ll still have me, know that I’m yours. All I’m asking for is a chance.”

  I was his. I always would be. Instead of pulling away and wasting precious minutes, giving time another chance to add a new mountain, I hiked my dress just above my knees, swung one foot over his legs, and straddled him, taking his freshly shaven face between my hands.

  “We have a lot to catch up on and a lot to talk about, but I do love you Nicholas. I never stopped loving you, and I never will.”

  That moment I’d craved for years finally came as our mouths and bodies collided. His strong arms wound around me, pulling me against him until I couldn’t breathe. The air we shared was enough, though. His lips overpowered all my senses, taking me into his world. They were old yet new, soft yet demanding, warm and full of desire.

  My soul must have left my body and my insides melted. The intensity of our kiss increased with each passing second, hands searching for new places to touch, bodies yearning for a greater connection and mouths performing some sort of a dance. Even if I wanted to stop, I couldn’t. His hands roamed over my arms, back and forth, uncertain which part of me to grasp first, until they settled on my hips, scrunching my dress up as fresh air cooled my thighs. I reached down to his belt buckle. He shimmied out of his pants while pushing my panties to the side with his free hand. Definitely a new multitasking talent I’d just witnessed. Nick had no underwear and was ready for me. My mind flooding with new appetite, I lifted myself and slid over him, feeli
ng my essence coat his thickness in one long slide down.

  And I stilled.

  I wanted to savor this moment.

  The penetration was as thick and filling as I remembered, and I felt a tear sneak out of my eye, grateful that my memories hadn’t faded before Nick’s return. I needed to feel our connection and remember it forever, just in case this was the last time I had him. These thoughts would have never crossed my mind before. We had all the time in the world – time I hadn’t fully appreciated until now.

  His next kiss was gentle, and he leaned his forehead against mine. I closed my eyes and slowly began to rock my hips over him, the movement felt new and exquisite, as the momentum increased. His fingers swiftly unfastened the buttons of my dress and lowered my bra beneath my breasts, sealing my nipples with his lips.

  It felt amazing to have his mouth on me and him inside me.

  My need for more flourished. As if reading my mind, Nick’s hold on my hips strengthened and I began riding him until I was bouncing, my ass slapping against his thighs. The only other sounds in the room were his grunts, my moans, and mutual heavy breathing. He was firm and slick, hot and thick – the perfection of a man I thought had died.

  The friction increased with each pump. His thrusts became rougher, my gallop more desperate to reach the finale. He seized my mouth with passion and I trembled, the shakes of my orgasm spreading through my body as I bit his lip and felt him grunt one last time as he spilled inside me.

  I was out of breath.

  Nick wrapped his arms around me, tightening his hold. We sat connected until the beating of our hearts calmed and the world came back in focus.

  “Now that’s the welcome I was hoping for.” He grinned with cockiness, and I chuckled.

  “I missed you. I missed you so much.”

  “I’m here now, baby. And I’m never leaving again.”

  “I don’t think I’d let you leave.” I stood up slowly, feeling his seed trickle down my thighs. Nick reached for the paper towel beside the sink and wiped me clean.