by R. H. Vesely
Though not physically beautiful there was something about the combination of her ready smile, thick glasses, blond hair and joyous spirit that attracted males. So her life to this point had had a number of good male relationships though some had been far more taken with her than she with them.
She had graduated high school early and had just finished her last year of art school with a masters in design. She was young educated, talented and full of life. But life had hit a bit of a flat point. A good relationship had just ended, he was cheating on her, and she was waitressing at a rather crappy hole in the wall restaurant to make ends meet. A job that required her to wear a most unattractive polyester, paisley culotte uniform. For someone who loved design and fabric, it was like being tortured on a daily basis. She had deliberately turned her one full length mirror to the wall to avoid even catching a glimpse of herself in this "hideous frock".
Tonight was to be a get together with some female friends and likely the need to fill them in especially Kelley on the details of her latest relationship demise. She was really looking forward to getting a little high and laughing about life and men in general which was guaranteed to happen when she and Kelley got together.
They were all meeting at Old Ed's Bar or so they called it because Old Ed was the regular bartender who always greeted them with "Great to see the girls out". It made them feel happy and welcome. Mattie liked this place because it was cheap and funky. It had a real sense of a lot of life's stories having been lived in it. She and Kelley had spent many an hour there making up life stories for the different people sitting around in the bar, from old regulars to young wannabee studs at the bar. She loved this.
Besides Kelley, the other members of the group were to be Jessica and Deb. Neither were close friends of anyone in the group but still fun acquaintances who knew how to laugh. Jessica was a highly educated red head who was the only child of her father's first marriage. Her younger step sister Kate was to Jessica's dismay a beautiful tall dark haired girl and was the darling of her Father and stepmother. Jessica had been relegated to a definite second fiddle within the family unit. Deb was Deb, nothing special but a kind, fun person, a bit overweight but from a seemingly solid, normal family. Whatever normal meant in the context of American society.
"Hey Ed, how goes the battle?" said Mattie.
"Smooth as a good scotch," said Ed, his usual reply. "Good to see the girls out. Haven't seen you out without your boyfriend in a while."
"Well, not to worry Ed, that waste of space is history for old Mattie," laughed Kelley.
"Ah well, life's lessons, life's lessons --what'll it be ladies?"
"Lets have a couple pitchers of your best Ed and run a tab, could be a long night," answered Mattie, realizing Kelley was really going to enjoy abusing her latest relationship debacle.
"Sounds good, enjoy."
They made their way over to Mattie and Kelley's normal corner table where they had a full view of the bar and tables. They had barely had a sip of beer and the abuse started.
"Gee Mattie I thought you said he was the one or was that the one before," chided Kelley.
"Yeah, wasn't he the perfect lover, he loved going down on you and had a dick like a telephone pole. What was the problem, too much for you," dug Jessica getting into the spirit of ragging.
"Ok, Ok thanks for your overwhelming sympathy," replied Mattie. She realized she would have to choose between being pissed off or turn Robert ex into a joke.
"Well girls, it was all true, unbelievable sex and I understand your jealousy considering your own relationships but Robert decided to expand his telephone service to other customers and I was not into a party line," said Mattie, opting for a bit of a mixture of counter dig and humor.
"Ouch, I say we simply refer to him as 'the dick' from now on," suggested Deb.
"God damn what a shit. I mean you guys were together for a couple years, I'm sorry Mattie," said Kelley.
"Who the hell did the dick screw or was there a bunch?" queried Jessica. Jessica had a way of asking that often seemed pointed towards making someone feel worse.
"Not really interested in knowing how many, one was enough," snapped Mattie.
"Ok, Ok, so the Dick is a schmuck," added Kelley, trying to lighten it up.
"Sorry Jess, its still a little fresh, came home from work and found lots of long dark hairs on our pillows and basically he, in response to my 'what the fuck', admitted it and I just told him get the fuck out and left. I mean, I had just spent the day working in that crappy restaurant, eight hours of sweating into polyester and I was looking forward to getting naked and sweating into him and this is what I got, the bastard."
"Men are shits, they never know what the fuck they want. I'll bet you anything he ends up trying to get back together with you, seriously," added Jessica.
"Not in a million years, you can't call back the trust," said Mattie.
"Ding dong, the dick is dead, which old dick, the big old dick, ding dong, the dick is dead," sang Kelley and they all laughed and joined in.
"Ding dong, the dick is dead." Peels of laughter and Deb laughing so hard, beer came out her nose.
"Ok, can we call this settled and move on to something else."
"So you're really done that quick?" asked Deb.
"Yes, really done, and while I'm a bit sad, I don't let men fuck with me. You're either in or not and if not good bye. To me its basic and simple," said Mattie emphatically.
"Amen," said Kelley, "you learn it the hard way. If he is still floating after a year or two, forget him, he is not worth your time. You're better off with friends and a beer."
"Hallelujah," cried Mattie, "and pour the damn beer."
They moved on to the second pitcher and began perusing the bar's human menagerie.
"Let's make up some stories Kelley. How about the single guy with the cowboy boots with shiny metal tips and plaid shirt and jeans. Let's call him Dwayne," laughed Mattie.
"Ok, well Dwayne's real name is Delbert and he recently immigrated from Hungary where Urban Cowboy was his favorite movie. After over a decade it had recently come to his small town of Fuckova and he saw it all three times it showed before the projector caught on fire and burned down the local theatre," detailed Kelley.
"Fortunately all of the goats, cows and sheep were able to get out alive but Delbert lost his black stetson and his job as projectionist, forcing him to immigrate to the land of his dreams. With his professional audio visual experience Delbert, now Dwayne, was able to get a job as the stop announcer for the local transit system and he anticipates a promotion once he learns to speak English," continued Mattie.
A long pause ensued with all four laughing, staring at Dwayne sitting at the bar chugging his beer and staring at the back of the bar.
"He is sitting there puzzled because this is the fifteenth bar he has been to and he can't figure out where they keep the mechanical bulls. He is starting to wonder if Urban Cowboy was a fantasy film like the Wizard of Oz and that his personal OZ does not exist. He is thinking, maybe if he clicks the metal tips of his cowboy boots together three times and says there is no place like Fuckova, he will return to his home. He misses his family and pet goat Sonia," continued Mattie.
"Whoa maybe getting a bit too xenophobic and sad," added Mattie.
"I'm no good at this," said Deb.
"Yeah, me either," said Jessica, "too much thinking for a night of drinking."
"No its fun Deb, try those two guys talking at the bar and just make something up."
"Ok, his name is Robert, oops no, I mean Luigi and ---- and ----and ….................................."
"He works at a library where his job is to change the cartridges on all the copy machines and printers," chimed in Jessica.
"That's it Jess," laughed Kelley.
As the one guy gestured with his hands, Mattie added, "he is saying to his friend, I just donna know how to get thisa ink offa my hands, I trya da soap, I trya da olive oil, I trya everything and nothina work
," said Mattie in a feeble Italian accent.
"Whatta ya think I shoulda do?"
"The other guys name is William," said Deb, "and---- and he is an accountant and - and - and he, he---.......... oh I don't know, I just can't do this," she laughed.
"Doesn't know who Luigi is. Luigi just sat down next to him at the bar. But William is a nice guy and listens intently to Luigi's problem. Oddly enough, as an accountant, he has experience getting ink off his hands and carries with him a small bottle of ink remover for emergencies. He is now saying to Luigi. Boy I hear your trouble man, ink can be a bitch. It just so happens that I have a bottle of ink remover with me and it works like a charm," adds Kelley.
Luigi" is gesticulating with his hands again. "No really you gotta somethin that will getta this stuff off, you ara the greatest, may god blessa you and your familia," continued Kelley.
"Man our cheezy italian accents are getting worse Kelley," laughed Mattie.
"Holy shit, look 'Luigi' is getting up and coming over our way," laughed Jessica.
"I think he is headed for the bathroom," said Deb.
But "Luigi" stopped and said to the table, "Hi, I'm Bill, nice to see a group of women out enjoying themselves without men, have a good one." He then continued on to the bathroom.
"Jesus, like we need some man to compliment us on enjoying ourselves without them, fuck him," said Jessica.
"Yeah, especially some Italian immigrant whose job is to change toner cartridges," laughed Mattie.
"Hope the asshole can get the ink off his hands," added Kelley.
"Geez, I don't know, I thought he was just trying to be nice," said Deb.
"Nice? He was a little drunk, probably has a girlfriend and was pulling one of 'the Dick's' moves," said Kelley, "but he was sorta hot, I have to say," added Kelley, "nice ass."
The "ladies" had by now consumed their two pitchers of beer, Mattie and Kelley having been the most significant imbibers.
"Should we get more beer," asked Mattie.
"I'm up for it," said Kelley.
"Me too," added Jessica.
"Ok, lets finish what we have in our glasses and get some more."
At this point Bill came out of the bathroom and sat down at the table.
"Sorry, but the hillbilly in the bathroom wants to kick my ass to prove how macho he is and I apologize for imposing upon you, but I am not a big fan of having my ass kicked."
"So what the hell did you do get him so pissed at you?" queried Kelley.
Bill proceeded to inform them of how the "Dwayne" thought Bill was looking at Dwayne's dick and that Bill must be gay and for this reason he wanted to kick Bill's ass, likely because Dwayne is an idiot homophobe.
"So Bill are you gay? I mean maybe it wasn't so inadvertent as you claim, hmm," said Kelley.
"Christ, you found me out. I was really hoping to grab that moronic studs dick and put it to work. How did you guess?"
"I think it was the broad shoulders and the John Wayne walk."
"Good one, Kelley."
Mattie noticed right away that Kelley was clearly trying to charm this guy in her usual way, with a bit of acerbic wit.
"Jesus, Kelley and all, I forgot about Randy. He's waiting for me at the bar and we were kind of in the middle of a good talk," said Bill.
"Well ask him over," said Mattie. She was curious to see how far Kelley would take this since she knew Kelley was in a relationship.
"Unless of course the guy in the bathroom was right and god knows we don't want to intrude on any intimate moments," added Kelley.
"That's Ok, I'll just give him a big kiss and I'm sure he'll forgive me," said Bill as he got up and left the table.
"Kelley what are you doing? What about Doug?" said Deb.
"Yeah, Kelley, I thought Doug was something special. Isn't that what you told me," said Mattie clearly enjoying the opportunity to get a few jibes in not related to the Dick.
"Relax, just going to have a bit of fun with him. Nothing going on and could be fun to close out the night laughing along with instead of just at men," said Kelley.
Yeah, maybe so thought Mattie, get my mind off of loathing Robert but also wondering about Kelley because she knew the slightly drunk look in Kelley's eyes and knew this could lead to something more than a "bit of fun."
Bill soon came back to the table followed by Randy who had thoughtfully brought over two more pitchers of beer that he plopped on the table and laughingly said,
"Hi all, Randy here, thought you might like a bit more fuel for the fire, enjoy."
He slid into an empty seat between Mattie and Deb giving all a big smile as he got introductions from Mattie.
"So what is the occasion, a party or just a night out to abuse body and mind?" asked Randy.
"We are here to celebrate another passing of a relationship and to explore what lowlifes men in general are," said Jessica.
"Wait, I thought you only just met Bill," deadpanned Randy.
"No, no, not Bill, it was a different piece of shit, my ex, Robert," said Mattie giving Randy's shoulder a light push as she laughed. It was clear Mattie was starting to feel her oats.
"Mattie tell him the nickname," giggled Deb.
"Ok, its 'the Dick' ", laughed Deb unwilling to wait and most assuredly, not being much of a drinker, well on her way to being pretty loaded.
"Ding dong, the dick is dead," sang Deb mixed with her bubbling laughter.
"We did it cause he has a big dick, get it," laughed Deb.
"Whoa Deb, maybe a bit too much info and a bit too much beer," said Mattie, though she joined in the groups laughter at Deb's drunken silliness.
"No, good by me Mattie, been there and sometimes you just have to get it out, I mean Bill and I were just discussing how big an asshole he is," said Randy. "Right Bill?"
"Ah, sure Randy," said Bill completely unaware of what he was replying to due to his focus being locked on to Kelley.
"So how big an asshole is Bill?" asked Mattie.
"Well, I think we agreed on gargantuan or maybe it was cosmic," said Randy in a serious tone.
Bill, after Randy's first query, had started to pick up that the conversation was about him.
"Hey, you are aware that I am sitting right here," laughed Bill with a bit of an edge.
"Oh sorry, thought you had left with the guy from the bathroom, but good to see you back," laughed Mattie as she laid a friendly hand on Bill's shoulder.
"Good one Mattie, get it out," said Randy smiling at Mattie. "Men can be shits," he added. "Though I don't think it has made it into the dictionary definition yet, maybe just a picture."
"Yeah, that would be great, great, laughed Mattie, a nice little picture of Robert right next to the word shithead."
"I think they would have to add a couple thousand pages to the dictionary to put in all the shit heads pictures," said Jessica a bit too seriously.
And so the evening progressed with Mattie and Randy feeding off of each other and causing peels of laughter at the table. An ultimate sort of agreement that women could be shits too was reached but not in the same way and maybe more emotionally callous at times. But it was all done in tandem good spirits, except for Deb who just sat their smiling and giggling, too high to form a coherent sentence.
In - Ok I have a bunch of different men and woman who I have been following. Those were two good scenes from a bar involving some of them. Look at them individually, they aren't necessarily going to hook up with each other. Just look for those who you think may have it in them.
Ia - Holy shit, you have got to be kidding me. Isn't that Kelley the femme fatale from your earlier ill conceived plan. If you are going to try to convince me to go in to something that she is part of forget it. I seriously doubt if I am going to be feeling any of your connectedness with her.
In - Lighten up, just trust me a bit, I wouldn't write her off yet.
Ia - Jesus you are a god damn Pollyanna, not write her off yet, please.
In - Ok, so who else do we have
. Take a look and see what you think. Remember its not just the women, we watched the men first.
Ia - Ok, men. We have Randy and Pat, I assume the drunk Earl is out and Ed is a little old for your tastes. Randy seems like a good soul, a little passive for my taste but a good soul. He seems to fit your bill for kindness but I don't see any real depth of feeling in him here. I'd have to see him with the woman he lives with. Bill, he has the intensity you like but he is way too cynical for me and I would think his ego may be too big for what you are after.
In - So?
Ia -Men, I really can't see either one fitting the bill.
In - How about the women?
Ia - Ok, definitely not Jessica. Not sure what her problem is but she seems to have a bit of tude toward men that I can't imagine changing any time soon, if ever. I am going to remove Kelley from consideration out of what little principles I have and trust that you are not just screwing with me. Mattie's nice but she just got badly burned but still she may have it in her to be the type you talk about. Deb the sweet giggly one blowing beer out of her nose could be possible but she was too drunk here for me to have any real sense of her. Her, I don't see much other than a certain sweetness and kindness so I guess her kindness keeps her in the running. So, I'd say three possibles, Randy, Deb and Mattie. How'd I do?
In - No rush I've got more.
Chapter 9
Pat Bailey was smart, he knew. What he was not sure of was whether he was lazy or just ill suited to the education and jobs that would get him a lot of money. On some level it made little difference because the end result was the same. He now rarely attended classes and monetarily survived through the generosity of his more well to do friends. This was somewhat demeaning but no more demeaning than washing dishes at the cafeteria or in the short run at least he thought so.