by R. H. Vesely
"Sounds perfect, thanks."
Ia - So we are back with good old Bill and Randy, hmmm.
In - Yup, and Randy is now a free man as is Bill.
In - Ok, still unsure where you are taking me. Randy is starting to talk about some feeling of wanting more but I still think he needs to grow a pair and Bill may want kids but I still see him as too arrogant to feel your connectedness.
In - Yeah, but you have to admit that Randy at least got out however inartfully and Bill is looking for more out of life than settling.
In - Then what is he doing in law school if not settling. The fact that he is doing it half assed doesn't negate the fact he is doing it. Still say the only thing this guy is in love with is his brain.
In - Twists and turns my friend, twists and turns.
In - Well if we're about to launch into another Pat/Kelley type saga, I am once again glad I do not have a body or I would be vomiting from motion sickness.
Chapter 18
It started out as a typical Friday at work for Randy. He had rebooted three computers for people who could not get the hang of or were passive aggressively fighting the new system that had been installed. It happened every time they updated and by now he was used to it, just part of the job. Cindy had yet to contact him but he knew it was coming. Ever since she became aware of his break up with Sarah, she had been pursuing him. He realized his fatal mistake was to agree to have a drink after work with her early on and ever since she had made a point of popping up at Ed's saying every single time "fancy meeting you here." It was getting a bit tiresome but in typical Randy fashion, he had always replied "wow, good to see you." He actually felt it was anything but good to see her and he thanked god that when Bill was there that Bill had the lack of tact or directness to tell Cindy that they needed to just have some guy talk.
Randy was at present taking refuge in his little office sucking down another cup of coffee as he fiddled with a router. It had been two months since he and Sarah broke up and he was just beginning to get over his feelings of guilt. However, he was still constantly questioning himself about whether he had done the right thing and whether Sarah had been right about it being enough. Who the hell was he to say there had to be more or that there even was more. But then he would remember his parents and his parents friends brutal marriages that mostly seemed to devolve in to a bland symbiosis seemingly completely devoid of any real love and he knew this he did not want.
His phone rang and as anticipated it was Cindy with a supposed problem with the new system.
"Be right there," said Randy, though he knew full well the problem was fake.
Other than him, Cindy was the most knowledgeable about computers at the company. In fact, she could easily have done his job and did before the company decided to hire someone with a degree. Randy had always felt crappy about this, since he had been paid way more than Cindy for basically the same job. As a result, he had constantly suggested to Cindy that she should take some courses so she could be fairly paid. This, on some level, he now regretted, because he thought she likely mistook this for interest in her personally. Though good looking and a fun person, Cindy was just a less driven version of Sarah and would most assuredly have been happy to get married, work and settle comfortably into a nice little home. For Randy, while it did not come as naturally to him as it did to Bill, he wanted a life with passion and interest and one that would challenge him personally to something more. What exactly that more was he did not know, but he could sense down deep it was there.
"Hi Randy, sorry to have called you in. I know I should be able to figure this out, but I can't seem to find where the monthly reports went to in this new system. I feel so stupid," said Cindy.
Randy knew she knew exactly how to find them but he played along. "It's just a different drop down menu, plus you can right click on areas in a weekly or quarterly report and it will give you the option of opening up the other reports in another window."
"Wow, very cool thanks. So how have you been? Haven't seen you at ED's in a while, not that I go very often," said Cindy with a smile.
"Oh fine, yeah, haven't got out too much lately. Bill is prepping for exams and so we haven't gone out to shoot the shit in a while."
"Well you know if you need to talk with someone, you can always talk to me," said Cindy, spinning her chair around and looking up at Randy.
"Thanks Cindy, but I guess, it's more talking with another guy that I need at the moment," said Randy, hoping that in some way she might get the hint.
"Yeah, I get it, but the invitation stands, ok."
"Thanks, I'll keep it in mind," said Randy, as he left her cubicle.
God, nice Randy he thought, "I'll keep it in mind", you are beyond stupid.
Randy settled back in his office and pulled out the little worn Alan Watts book that he had picked off of one of Bill's stacks. It was old, yellowed and about to split into two pieces. Its condition somehow added to the peace it gave him. As if somehow it was more true for having survived so long. When he read this book, life seemed to make more sense. It was like talking with Bill over beers, you felt you weren't alone and maybe you weren't crazy to think there was more to life. His phone rang. Christ another friggin idiot who doesn't want to use his brain but would rather bitch about how "the old system was better", thought Randy, as he picked up the receiver.
"Hey bud, just knocked off the last stupid ass exam and I am ready to reeeeelax," said Bill.
"Congratulations, you survived," laughed Randy. "So meet at Ed's around five?"
"Nah, come on, its almost four, just blow off the rest of the day and come celebrate with me, I'm already here," said Bill, "and it is snowing like a bitch out there."
"Geez, I don't know, we just started a new system. I kind of need to be here," said Randy.
"Fuck that, its Friday, your same crappy job, with the same crappy problems, will be there tomorrow and the next day and the next day and the next and the next …."
"Ok, ok, you're on, be right over," said Randy.
Jesus what am I thinking but it is only about an hour and he's right, it will be there tomorrow but boy not sure though, he thought. Normally, Randy would never have left work early on a day like today, but something in him said get out and so he did, quickly. As he left the building through a side door, Randy was smacked by a wave of cold blowing snow. Jesus, a god damn blizzard, what the hell, Bill wasn't kidding,thought Randy. By the time he fought through the blowing snow and got to Ed's, Randy was freezing and having major doubts about his decision. "Shit, suppose the whole god damn system crashes and I'm not there or the boss or the accountants have a problem. I could lose my job, you idiot."
"Welcome my frozen friend. I am three up on you already. Ed, a tall, cold one for Randy, I'm buying," said Bill.
"Whoa, what happened, the earth coming to an end, you buying," laughed Ed.
"Come, come, Ed, I just finished exams and I plan on spending whatever meager resources I have at my disposal on getting Randy and me stupidly drunk," said Bill.
"And at the moment," said Bill, as he fished in his pockets, "I am flush to the tune of fifty dollars sent by my sainted mother to allow me to celebrate the end," laughed Bill.
"She must have been a saint to put up with you," laughed Ed, as he slid a beer down to Randy.
"Here's to your sainted mother," laughed Randy, as he took a long, cold swig of beer. It was a running joke between him and Bill to toast their sainted mothers, a joke which on Saint Patrick's Day became rather obnoxious to anyone sitting near them.
"Good on ya Randy for blowing off the last hour of your mindless day at work," said Bill.
"No problem," lied Randy, but after only half a beer, he was already glad that he had.
"Well, I survived another battle with the devil," laughed Randy.
"A toast to Beelzebub," he yelled, as he and Randy clinked bottles.
"You know, I am so tired and full of caffeine that I think it is going to be one of those nights where
I drink but never get drunk," said Bill.
"Yeah, and then you'll hit a point where you feel like you're going to die if you don't sleep immediately. I know your routine my friend," laughed Randy.
"Ah, you know me too well," sighed Bill jokingly.
"God, you would not have believed that last test. I finished early and looked around and everyone else was probably on their fifth blue book and going strong. I wrote two and had exhausted my knowledge. Hopefully, by the time the poor bastard who has to read these gets to mine, he will be so thankful for brevity, that my grade goes up significantly," laughed Bill.
Randy knew this was bullshit. Sure Bill likely wrote less, but what he wrote was probably to the point and well written, while his classmates just vomited everything they knew onto the page. Bill liked to deprecate his efforts, but over the last week Randy had seen first hand Bill's ability to rapidly assimilate and make sense of masses of information. Bill's power of focus, when he wanted to bother, was truly unbelievable. Randy wondered what would have happened if Bill had given a shit before the last week of the semester, but he knew this was not Bill, the consummate rebel without a cause.
"Hell, if I tried to write that much man, my hand would cramp up, and god, the poor bastards all looked like death warmed over and poor Katrina, Jesus, I thought she was going to throw up at any minute. Can you imagine, over a god damn test," said Bill.
"We can't all be as cool as you Bill," said Randy dryly. Randy did not particularly like what he saw as Bill gloating a bit over the others misery.
"Ok, Ok, enough of my shit, let us not mention it again. So how are things in computerland," said Bill, trying to avoid Randy's pissed off mood.
"Same, new system, people either being stupid or fighting against the change, nothing new," answered Randy.
"Whoa, whose ego's showing now," laughed Bill.
"You're right lets both stop, it's boring and stupid," said Randy.
"Agreed, let's talk about women, often stupid but never boring," laughed Bill.
"So where are we with Mattie? I know she has called and you continue to blow her off, but I mean, god, it's been like two months post Sarah, maybe time to get back in the game," said Bill.
"I don't know, still a bit tough and I did not blow her off. I just said I would love to see her, but that I would not be good company and I did not want to be that way with her. It was too important to me. See, so I would not call that blowing her off," said Randy curtly.
"Fair enough, but maybe a bit subtle, especially when repeated more than once," said Bill.
"Yeah, I know and I have been kicking myself in the ass over it, but I just can't seem to break out," said Randy.
"Well maybe you should start with something simple and quick, like that Cindy who keeps popping up. You know, a short thing, to sort of settle your emotions down a little," said Bill.
"God no, I would rue the day of that one, she would never leave me alone and work would become a new nightmare, bad, bad idea."
"Ok, ok, well I have to pee, so get us some more beer and I'll give it some thought," said Bill as he slid off his stool.
Randy ordered two more and just sat staring into the mirror at himself thinking what the hell are you doing. Why can't you get yourself to just go have a drink with Mattie. Sarah certainly can't think any less of you than she already does. If you don't do something, you can be sure Mattie is going to hook up with someone else and there you'll be with your thumb still up your ass. He continued to stare at himself, disgusted.
"Hey Randy, fancy meeting you here, thought you weren't going out," said Cindy, as she sat down on the stool next to him.
"Hi Cindy, nice to see you, yeah, wasn't planning on it, but Bill just finished his last exam and wanted to go out and let off a little steam," said Randy. Jesus, he thought, does she have a tracking device on me.
"Sounds like fun, mind if I join in. Can you believe that storm out there, it almost blew me off my feet," laughed Cindy.
"Excuse me Cindy, but I think you are in my seat," said Bill.
"Oops, sorry."
"Randy, I have been thinking about what we were talking about, and I really think we need to figure this out, but I am so tired. Can the two of us maybe go crash at a table and just focus on figuring it out. Sorry Cindy, but I really need Randy to help me get this straight, you understand, thanks," said Bill, as he grabbed his bottle and headed to a table in the side room.
"Sorry Cindy, but its kind of a personal thing of Bill's and so I gotta go, sorry," said Randy.
"Oh, that's ok, I'll just hang out for a bit, I think some other people from work are coming over," said Cindy, as Randy got up and headed to the table.
"Well Randy, you can thank me later, but now we'll have to look like were talking over some major problem so we don't hurt her feelings, and no laughing allowed for a while," said Bill.
"Yeah, please no laughing, look serious too. I told her it was your personal problem," said Randy stifling a laugh.
"Ok, well let me think. Don't really have a woman at the moment. You know it actually turned out to be true what I said to Sally."
"How so?"
"I really can't emotionally relate to a woman when I am doing this law school shit, funny and sort of prophetic don't you think," said Bill.
"I mean I've been with a few, but nothing there. I thought a lot about it, and I think its that I am so unhappy with myself and this, that I can't really care for another person, of course present company excluded, weird huh," said Bill pensively.
"Nah, not really, I mean if you are really unhappy with yourself, I guess it makes perfect sense," said Randy." I mean, if I really hated my job and what I was doing, I doubt if I could get into anything serious with a woman. In fact I'm pretty sure of that."
"Yeah, I guess, but there is one sort of exception," said Bill. "I have occasionally found myself thinking about that Kelley girl. You know Mattie's friend," said Bill.
"You're kidding. Have you been talking with her?" asked Randy.
"Well, not often, but a couple times, and there has always been that sort of wild craziness in her voice that gets to me," said Bill.
"What the hell is it with you and crazy, other than good sex. I mean, I thought you were looking for someone to have kids with, right?" said Randy.
"Well, looks like we are going to have that serious personal conversation after all. So prepare yourself for one of my latest fucked up theories," laughed Bill.
"Oh my god, better get a big pitcher," said Randy.
"Good thinking and here is the money. Remember I am buying, ok," said Bill, as he handed Randy a wad of crumbled bills.
"Ed, big pitcher and a couple glasses, thanks," said Randy.
"So, how is the talk going, getting everything resolved?" said Cindy, as she put her hand on Randy's shoulder.
Oh my god, thought Randy, doesn't she ever stop. "Yes, actually making progress, but in need of significantly more beer to keep Bill from falling asleep," said Randy, as he quickly grabbed the pitcher and glasses and fled for the table.
"She will not quit," said Randy.
"You know, I think you're going to have to find a nice way to let her know you're not interested, or lie to her about having a girlfriend. Actually, if you would drop the crap and communicate with Mattie, you probably wouldn't have to lie," said Bill.
"We were talking about you and Kelley and some new theory, not Mattie, thank you," said Randy.
"Oh yeah, ok, mind wandered, actually not totally new, sort of been festering and took form when I realized Sally and I wouldn't make it," said Bill.
"Good, so what is it?" said Randy.
"Ok, I've been through three fairly long term relationships with women but always ended them because I realized, they would be unlikely to sustain the twelve to fifteen years necessary to raise a child and hopefully not fuck them up too badly. I've always known I would be a good parent, but I've also always known that I might not be the best husband or mate and I take the responsibilit
y of having a child very seriously."
"How the hell would you ever know that it would last?" said Randy.
"Well actually, you won't, but you can be honest with yourself. In all three of those relationships, after we had been together for a fair amount of time, they started to become less the strong weird person I loved, and became more domestic and I don't know normal. I mean, if you remember, these were all really bright women who then began to sublimate themselves to me. They would start wanting to do more things for me and try to start changing me to be sort of more normal. I would then be confronted with the issue of whether I thought I would be able to sustain a relationship with this new person, and my answer was always, honestly no."
"But damn man, people always change, you're asking the impossible," said Randy.
"Hold on, let me finish and then we can get into the discussion. I mean, I understand change is inevitable, but not the core person you thought you loved. Ok, so I decided that if I was going to find someone I could last with, I had to find someone who was dancing to a different drummer since they were little, little. I mean preadolescence. Someone whose core being, the part you are in love with, was what they lived and always had lived. Something they were not likely to give up so easily. So that in brief is where I am at, and though I have no real idea, from our brief telephone conversations, that is the possible vibe I get from Kelley, but I really have no idea," said Bill, as he cast a glance toward the door of the bar.
"You're looking for someone like you, admit it," said Randy.
A cold blast of air ran across the table as two snow covered forms entered the bar stamping the snow off their boots. Bill Glanced over and gave a smile, and then looked back to see if Randy noticed. He had not, he was just staring at Bill waiting for a reply to his question. Randy was thinking that Bill's smile showed he had hit home.
"Ah, no, they can be totally in to different things, but the part of them that thirsts for life and will be unwilling to be forced into societies mold of what they should be, that part, that part has to be deep seated. Where despite all the inevitable changes, we could still sit down and talk about what the best of our life together could be, not what others say it should be, but what it could be, and find opting for the path of least resistance an anathema. Someone who could persevere, someone who had something unknown deep down that drove them to be who they were."