Holden is quite a sight in just a pair of jeans that rest low on his hips, and since he’s shirtless, I get an eyeful of the sexy “V” he’s got going on. All that bare, tanned skin has me melting into a puddle of hormones. My mouth wants to explore that “V” and what lies beneath.
He spies me and flashes a smile. “Morning. Scrambled eggs?” he offers.
Oh right, he’s cooking. I was more focused on his sexiness than what he was doing. “Uh, sure,” I say, hoping that he hadn’t noticed that I was practically drooling.
His attention shifts to the pan as he stirs the eggs. “How did you sleep?”
“Really good, actually.”
His expression turns pleased. “I was hoping that would be the case. How sore are your muscles?” he asks, looking up at me.
“Sore.”
“Tomorrow will be better.”
My eyebrows lift. “Tomorrow?”
Amusement forms in his eyes. “You didn’t think I’d let you off the hook, did you? We’re jogging daily after the gun range,” he informs.
I make a face.
“The more active you are during the day, the better you’ll sleep,” he points out. He moves the pan off the burner and rummages around the cupboards with his back to me. His muscles flex as he reaches for the doors, peering inside each one. There isn’t much to see. I haven’t bought anything for the apartment, not even plates or utensils.
I stiffly walk to a drawer and pull out a couple of paper plates, and a package of plastic forks.
Holden notices my offerings, and he gazes at the items with a look of exasperation before his eyes return to mine. “It wouldn’t hurt to buy plates and things that you need. Not everything has to be temporary,” he chides.
“I prefer temporary.” I hold out the two paper plates to him.
He shakes his head but accepts them.
While he divvies the eggs, I trudge to the table and sit in the lone chair that’s left. The other one had found itself a new home in the dumpster behind the building.
Holden looks at me questioningly as he sets the hot pan in the sink. “Salt and pepper?”
“Sorry.”
He mutters something under his breath before ambling over and setting the paper plates on the table. “I’ll be back.”
I watch him leave the apartment, and a minute later, he’s back with salt and pepper, and two actual glasses. Evidently, the Styrofoam ones in the cupboard hadn’t impressed him.
Soon, we have salt and pepper on our eggs and our glasses are filled with cold water. Since I’d taken the only chair, Holden’s content to lean his hip against the kitchen counter while we eat.
“You need to go shopping,” he comments.
“I have food,” I reply.
“Pop Tarts and kids lunch snacks aren’t healthy, not for adults. You need more.”
I’m not in the mood to argue, and my mood sours as I eat. I haven’t forgotten that my picture had been deliberately left at the bar last night.
Neither had Holden. “Odds are he paid someone to leave it,” he says, his voice interrupting my thoughts.
My fork pauses as I glance up at him. “It was him. He wants me to know that he was close, and that he can make a move at any time,” I say flatly.
“It’s not going to happen, Ren.”
I drag my fork through the eggs, choosing to remain quiet.
Holden releases a loud sigh.
“Look, I’m trying, okay?” I say as I glance at him. “But shattered hope is a bitter pill to swallow when the realization comes that there’s no way out. I had to watch as the light faded from those women’s eyes when they realized there was nothing but death awaiting them,” I say thickly.
Holden sets his plate aside and walks over, squatting before me. He places his warm hand on my knee, his eyes burning mine. “Hope is what keeps us going. Once you give that up, you might as well just hand yourself over to him, Ren. I thought you were a fighter.”
“Don’t,” I say sharply. I’m not giving up, but I also happen to be living in the present instead of fixating on a fantasy that might never happen.
“Your fate isn’t sealed until you draw your last breath. Remember that.”
* * *
“Remember, your elbow is one of the best weapons you have,” Holden tells me.
I nod, listening intently. It’s late afternoon, and we’re in my apartment working on more self-defense moves. It’s extremely warm, and the air conditioning unit in my apartment has yet to be repaired. Not that I fully expect it. I’ve learned that some landlords or supers tend to drag things out when a repair is going to be costly. If Holden’s air conditioning worked in his apartment, we’d practice there, but his doesn’t work either.
Because of the stifling heat, my hair is pulled back into a ponytail, and I’m wearing one of the sports bras I’d bought the other day with a pair of short, fitted running shorts. Holden’s also clad in shorts, but he’d discarded his shirt once it’d became soaked with sweat.
First, we’d gone over all the moves he’d already taught me, and now we’re working on new ones. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take much to work up a sweat, and not even the open windows give us much of a breeze. I’m also thoroughly distracted by his chest. Watching every muscle move beneath that slick skin is fascinating.
Holden’s still speaking, and I try to concentrate on his lecture. “If he’s coming at you from the side, you want to bend your elbow and aim for his temple, jaw, or nose.” He brings his elbow up in an arcing move, mimicking the action he wants me to learn. “Put all your strength into it.”
He comes to my side. “Your turn.” He moves in close, slipping an arm around my bare waist. My hormones perk up from his touch, and I try to ignore them as I swing my elbow upwards. It’s an awkward move as I partially turn in his arms, my breasts brushing against his chest. The distraction affects my aim and force, and I drop my elbow before it can pretend to hit its mark.
“Again,” Holden says curtly, crowding my body with his. “Come on Ren, let me have it.”
Irritation surges through my veins. How can he not feel the attraction? I’m tired of suffering it alone, and I’m beginning to wonder if he even finds me attractive. The thought of not measuring up to his standards bothers me way more than it should.
“Ren, again,” he cuts in, his tone impatient.
With gritted teeth, I bend my elbow and turn halfway in his arms, aiming with more force than necessary. My elbow connects with his jaw, and his gray eyes widen with surprise as he jerks his head back, his arms promptly dropping from my waist.
“Christ,” he mutters, rubbing his jaw as he backs away from me.
I quickly step towards him, guilt sweeping through me. “I am so sorry!”
Amusement glints in his eyes as he drops his hand. “I think you’ve got that one covered.”
A red patch of skin is developing where I’d hit him, and I cradle his jaw between my hands. “Are you okay?”
“Ren, I’m a man. I can handle it,” he says with a laugh.
My hands are still framing his whiskered jaw as my eyes focus on his. I never meant to hurt him. That’s when I realize how close we are, my face inches from his.
Suddenly, I have the urge to prove that he’s not as immune to me as he likes to pretend. There’s something there, I can feel it.
Without considering the consequences, I close the space between us and kiss him. His lips are warm and salty from sweat, and they are completely still beneath mine. Fed up with his unresponsiveness, I playfully dance my tongue along the seam of his lips as my hands move from his jaw to his broad, damp shoulders.
He’s not responding.
Tears sting the backs of my eyes as my heart plummets. Just when I’m about to give up with defeat, his lips part beneath mine, and his tongue sweeps into my mouth like it’s on a mission. Excitement spears through me as his hands settle on my waist while he takes charge of the kiss. It’s scorching hot and better than I could have ever imagin
ed.
As his tongue strokes mine, my hands begin to explore as they make their way down his biceps. He’s so damned sexy, and I’m ecstatic that he’s finally reacting to the attraction. My fingertips skim down his ribcage, and one of his hands cups the back of my neck while the other grips my ass, bringing me closer to his pelvis.
My small moan is swallowed by his mouth as I feel the beginnings of an erection beneath his shorts. I’m about to grind myself against him when he abruptly ends the kiss and releases me. The suddenness of it has my eyes flying open, and I draw in a lungful of air as I try to regain control of myself.
Holden backs a few steps away from me, his expression impassive as he exhales sharply. “We can’t do this, Ren.”
His rejection cuts through the haze of lust that had overtaken me. “Why not?” I hear myself whisper.
A muscle throbs in his jaw as he gazes at me. “I’m here to do a job.”
That’s right. I’m a job. Fuck. What the hell was I thinking? My chest tightens, and I struggle to keep my composure.
“I think that’s all for today. I’ll see you tonight,” he says abruptly.
After I nod in agreement, he turns and leaves the room. A second later, the sound of the apartment door closing behind him can be heard.
My shoulders cave as I draw in a shaky breath. I must be a glutton for rejection, but I can’t stop acting on how I feel. It needs to stop, because I’m obviously pushing him away. But how do I let go of something that feels so damn natural?
Sixteen
Holden
Ren’s sofa is far from comfortable, but I’d insisted on sleeping on it again no matter how much of a fuss she’d made before retreating to her room. I can’t have her relying on alcohol to get through the nights, and this is the only way I can be certain that she’s sober.
Large, humiliated blue eyes flash in my mind, and I curse myself for the millionth time. I’d hated putting that emotion there, and I’d hated it even more when she’d avoided my gaze while we’d worked our shift at Bull’s.
I’ve always admired a woman that’s willing to go after what she wants, and the fact that Ren is that kind of woman is a huge turn on. The attraction is strengthening, and it’s all I could do earlier to stop things before they’d became too heated. I would have liked nothing more than to take things further and explore her body like I have in my lust-filled dreams. But acting on my desire would be unprofessional and risky.
A sound cuts into my thoughts, and I become alert. The noise is coming from Ren’s room, and when I recognize it as a distressed whimper, my chest constricts.
I quickly shoot off the sofa and hurry down the hall. As quietly as I can, I open her bedroom door and enter the room. The light is on, and Ren is sprawled in bed, tangled in the covers as sweat glistens across her tortured features.
Without a second thought, I climb into the bed, touching her flushed cheek. “Ren,” I say softly.
She makes a heartbreaking sound as her lashes lift upwards, revealing eyes that are unseeing and filled with anguish. She’s still caught in the throes of a nightmare.
I draw her close and brush my lips across her cheekbone. “Shhhh. I’ve got you, go back to sleep,” I soothe. Her eyelashes drift closed, her features drawn into a troubled frown. I begin to gently run my fingers through her damp hair, hoping it’ll comfort her. “You’re okay,” I promise.
My emotions are all over the place as I patiently coax her to sleep, and the tension begins to ease from her body. Soon, she snuggles closer as the nightmare releases its torturous grip.
As I lie there with her in my arms, I know that she’s slowly but surely making a place for herself in my heart. I haven’t felt this kind of attachment to anyone in a very long time, and it feels good but it’s also overwhelming.
This is becoming too personal, and I worry what kind of effect it might have on how this case turns out. Mistakes can be made when emotions are involved, and I’ll be damned if I end up being the reason that Ren doesn’t make it out of this mess alive.
Seventeen
Ren
I’m pressed against a masculine body, and there’s no doubt in my mind that it’s Holden’s. My breasts are nestled against his very naked and muscular chest, and one of my legs is draped over his hip. The yearning to explore takes over, and I open my eyes and run my hand down his smooth, hard chest. It is indeed Holden in my bed, and my eyes hungrily take in his abdomen before allowing my fingers to trail down, following the faint trail of hair that leads inside his black briefs.
He shifts, and my eyes dart to his face. His lips are parted slightly, and I turn my attention back to his semi-erection that’s bulging beneath the fabric. This is one hell of a dream, and I’m going to take full advantage of it. I begin to stroke him through the fabric as he becomes quite hard.
“Mmm. Fuck yeah,” Holden mumbles.
I grin and sit upright, fully intending to rid him of his briefs when it dawns on me that I’m wearing my tank and flannel lounge pants—the ones with the cartoon cacti on them. Shouldn’t I be wearing something sexier? Or maybe nothing at all?
My eyes slide to where my hands are gripping Holden’s briefs, and as much as I want to continue the fun, something warns me to slow the hell down.
I bite my lip, hard. Ow! Damn it. I taste a hint of blood and deliberately look around the room.
This is real?
Shit!
“Don’t stop,” Holden grits out, grabbing my hand and pressing it against the hardness between his legs. His eyes are half-open now and glazed with desire.
“Um, I don’t think—”
“You think too much,” he mutters as he uses his other hand to yank me down on top of him, his mouth searching out mine.
Oh damn.
How am I supposed to stop when he’s kissing me like this? His mouth is devouring mine, and he shifts so that I am flat on my back, his body coming over mine. Naturally, my legs fall open as his hips settle between them, and he presses himself against my femininity. A groan escapes me as I arch into him even as I warn myself that this needs to stop.
Holden releases a masculine growl as his hips begin to move, grinding his erection into my damp softness. His tongue strokes mine in time to his movements, and I am quickly becoming delirious with lust. Somewhere, through my hazy mind, I know that I need to wake him and bring this to a halt. It’d be wrong to let it continue further—especially after he’d made it clear that he’s not into me.
I tear my mouth from his. “Holden! Stop,” I say in a thick voice. He tries to find my mouth again, and I turn my head away. “Stop. This is real,” I say as tears spring to my eyes. I don’t want this to stop, I really don’t, but I respect him too much to let it continue.
Holden’s hips come to a grinding halt as he becomes more alert.
I close my eyes, hiding my emotions as he tenses above me before abruptly climbing off with a low curse. The expletive fractures my heart into millions of little pieces. I hate that this happened and that he regrets it. I hate that I can’t have him, not even a little piece to quench this need inside me.
The mattress shifts, and I hear him draw in a deep breath and slowly exhale.
As much as I wish I had the ability to conjure a hole to hide in so I can avoid the humiliation, I tell myself that I’m an adult and need to face this head-on. When I’m certain that I’ve regained my composure, I turn over and dare to look at him.
He’s sitting upright in bed, a tortured expression on his face as he gazes at me.
I manage to pull together an awkward smile. “Morning?” He regards me silently, and I wish I knew what was going on inside his head. “I swear this wasn’t my intention. I thought… I didn’t realize…” Words fail me. Do I tell him I thought it was a dream, and I was enjoying myself until I realized it wasn’t a dream after all? How much do I want to lay my heart out for him to trample all over?
Holden scrubs his face with his palms. “I get it.”
A heavy silence fills
the room.
His hands drop, and his gray eyes meet mine. “Ren…”
“It’s okay. I know you don’t feel the same way,” I whisper as I force the words past my lips.
His eyebrows converge as he frowns. “Ren, you’re not alone in what you’re feeling.” His eyes stay steady on mine. “I feel it, too.”
“You do?” I ask doubtfully.
He gives me a wry look and motions to us in my bed. “We’re here, aren’t we?”
Speaking of that, I’d like to know how he’d ended up here in the first place, but I don’t want to change the topic. For once, we seem to be getting somewhere.
I push my hair away from my face and look at him with frustration. “Why do you keep pushing me away then?”
He gives me a purposeful look. “I need to focus on keeping you safe.”
Wait, that’s why he doesn’t want to be with me? “I trust you to keep me safe. Whether we’re having sex or not, I know you’ll do your best to protect me from him.”
He gives me a look. “We both know sex can be quite a distraction.”
“We’re adults, we can handle it.”
He’s already shaking his head. “The timing is bad, Ren.”
And there we go, another rejection. I look away, hiding how much this conversation is upsetting me.
The mattress shifts, and much to my surprise, Holden pushes aside the covers and moves closer to me, his warm hands framing my face so that he can look into my eyes. “Hey, there’ll be time after we catch him. I promise, Ren,” he says in a soft voice that holds a wealth of assurance.
My eyes widen and probably resemble saucers. The sudden thundering in my ears is my heart, and I try to hold back the rush of hope that’s rising. “You would want to explore this thing between us?” I ask as calmly as I can.
His gaze remains glued to mine. “Without a doubt.”
I am completely floored and want to jump for joy like a child, but I restrain myself. He’s confessed his interest, but we need to set it aside for as long as this investigation takes.
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