“Oh my God…” I said slowly. Was this real life?
“Would you guys like anything to eat or drink?” The lady asked. “Because once Guy starts talking about his lenses, there’s no stopping him.”
I shook my head. “No thank you.” Andy refused too. I took a step closer to the lens and upon remembering I held out my portfolio. “I just came to drop off my portfolio.” I said shyly.
“Yuri hunny can you please take that to my studio?” Dr. Honsu asked his wife as he wiped his lens carefully.
“Is that a 1959 Gibson Lee Paul?” Andy asked slowly in awe as he stared ahead. All heads turned to where he was looking and rested on a very old worn out guitar in a glass case.
Yuri smiled. “Wow Andrew you must know your guitars.” She said. “My father passed it down to me…” she said her eyes softening. “I haven’t played it in a while.”
“You play?” Andy asked in awe turning to the woman. I smiled because it sounded like Andy had just fallen in love.
“She plays alright.” Dr. Honsu said chuckling. “She is a little rock and roll spitfire at heart.”
“Oh stop it.” Yuri said blushing. She frowned at her husband but her eyes were twinkling. My heart filled at the open love flowing through them. This could have been my family.
Andy stared at her like he’d just met an angel. “That’s….that’s really…really cool.” He said.
Yuri grinned. “You wanna play it?” she asked.
Andy’s face dropped and he put his hands up. “Oh no…no…I can’t…that’s…that’s worth like 200k.” he said taking a step back.
“Who cares?” Yuri said. “Anybody that can spot the value of that guitar in a blink of an eye deserves to play it.” She said. “Besides…I know you’ll handle it with your life.”
Andy looked at me and I nodded passionately. I knew he wanted to play it. I could see it in his eyes, he was so happy and it took a lot to get Andy happy.
“Thank you.” Andy said softly to Yuri.
“Well how about we go test out this bad boy.” Dr. Honsu said turning to me. My eyes widened in surprise.
“Really?” I asked. I think my heart managed to pop out of my chest.
Dr. Honsu nodded. “A quick shoot.” He said.
I couldn’t help the grin appearing on my face. Andy stared in awe as Yuri brought the guitar out. Sitting on one of the couches she strummed a couple strings. It sounded really delicate and feminine for such a masculine looking guitar. Andy slowly sat down next to her and looked at me. I grinned at him and put two thumbs up. He really wanted to play it.
“You keep it tuned.” Andy said reaching out as she handed him the guitar. “So you still play it often?” he asked.
“When the desire nicks me.” Yuri replied running her hand over the neck of the guitar.
I turned away from them when I realized Dr. Honsu had started wheeling his lens out the backdoor. I did a small jog as I caught up to him. “Need help?” I asked softly. There really wasn’t much I could do, but it was still polite to ask. Dr. Honsu pointed outside.
“Go find a good spot to sit this up, where the lighting is perfect.” he instructed. I nodded eagerly as I ran out. It was easy to find a location. It seemed the way his house was built and the locations of the trees and furniture were placed to work with the sun which seemed really strange since it always moved. Maybe we just came out at a perfect time. I smiled to myself as I helped him set up the lens. Hadn’t this always been my dream? To be able to share my passion with somebody who truly understood my love for photography? How many nights had I dreamed that I would have a father by me, encouraging me and teaching me everything I needed to know. Staring at this man in front of me as he concentrated on his instruments turned my heart to mush. I smiled softly. This is what it meant like to have your dreams come true. This calm peaceful surrender.
“Go stand over there.” Dr. Honsu said.
“What?” I asked snapping out of my train of thought. I looked away quickly. Had I been staring at him this whole time?
“Over there.” Dr. Honsu said pointing to a white bench. “I want to take a couple shots with you in it too.”
My jaw dropped as I pointed to myself. “Me?” I asked.
“Sometimes a photographer has to be in front of the lens to truly understand the capabilities of their gift.” Dr. Honsu said.
I nodded as I moved to where he instructed me. I laughed because he reminded me of myself when I instructed models. I instantly noticed his transformation as he got behind the lens. It was something I’d taken note of in class too. Every time he got behind the camera, he seemed untouchable, unapproachable…surreal, so magical.
“Great job…now a little over….over….yeah that’s good.” Dr. Honsu said. “Well it’s rare to find a photographer that is also as good a model.” He complimented. I blushed as I clasped my hands together.
Dr. Honsu lifted his head. “Want to try?” he asked.
I looked up in surprise as he backed away from the lens. I moved slowly as he ushered me behind the camera. In a blink of an eye we had switched places and now he was my model. I looked through the lens as I focused on him. He seemed so natural and so comfortable…at ease with himself and nature. I smiled as I took a couple quick shots. I had to wheel the lens to a different location since it was so heavy. Nobody could dare lift it, for fear of dropping it.
“So I’m sure I won’t be disappointed in your portfolio huh?” Dr. Honsu asked smiling as he crossed his arms across his chest.
“Of course not.” I said zooming in on his smile and capturing it.
“That’s good Ornelia…you’re very gifted and I know you’ll get far with the right motivation.” Dr. Honsu said.
“Thank you.” I said softly looking down. I didn’t know if he heard since he was a while away.
I kept taking a couple practice shots as I started to feel a little nervous. Dr. Honsu seemed to be staring at me so intently, as if he was trying to read my very soul. Even hiding behind this big camera wasn’t doing anything.
“If there’s anything you need or you have questions about, don’t hesitate to ask.” He said warmly. He looked around nervously and put his hands in his pockets. Dr. Honsu took a deep breath and as I focused on him I realized he was staring right into the camera. “I’ll always be here for you…it’s the least I can do.” He added softly.
My finger froze on the ISO button as my heart stopped. I slowly straightened up and watched as he took a couple steps towards me. I wanted to say so much but nothing was coming out. What? What was going on? Dr. Honsu didn’t break his gaze with me as he got closer. What did he mean? I looked down as he stopped just a couple feet away from me.
Dr. Honsu finally looked away as he gently touched his lens. “The past is a very funny thing.” He said calmly. “You can never run from it, nor can you hide it.”
I put my hand over my heart to help it start up again. I looked at the ground. What was he saying? Was it true? Is he---? How would he know?
“Your mother called me yesterday.” Dr. Honsu said smiling sadly. “It’s been a long time.”
I held back a gasp and for the first time in my life, I felt the world stop spinning. I was stuck in time, nothing was moving, and nothing was real. My bottom lip shook uncontrollably like it always got right before tears formed. I pressed my lips together. I was not going to cry. How did she? I’d never given her his contact nor have---
“She said you probably had a lot of questions, concerns.” Dr. Honsu took a deep breath. “Gisele was always so full of secrets.” He said slightly annoyed.
I kept my gaze on the ground as I felt his eyes land on me. This was it. This was the moment of truth.
“Ornelia---“
“Are you my dad?” I asked quickly cutting him off. I couldn’t look up even at the pregnant pause that followed. By every second of the silence was building hope I couldn’t push away. My pulse intensified as I tried to concentrate on anything but the situation at hand.
>
“No.” Dr. Honsu said remorsefully.
I felt my heart drop to my stomach and an unwilling tear fall down.
“I wish I was.” He said placing an arm on my shoulder. I sniffled back a couple tears and wiped my cheek. I should have known. Nothing good ever happens to me.
I smiled quickly and shrugged. “I knew the idea was probably way too far-fetched.” I said hating my voice for shaking.
Dr. Honsu squeezed my shoulder. “I would have been honored to have a daughter like you.”
I looked away. I wanted to hide in a corner and bawl my eyes out. Talking about crashing hopes. But I couldn’t, I had to be strong. I smiled. “It would have been really cool.” I said nodding. I took a couple deep breathes to calm down. “Your kids will be really lucky.”
Dr. Honsu laughed sadly as he looked up at the sky. “God must have a sense of humor.” He said shaking his head. “Those who don’t want them have them, and those who want them can never have them.” I heard the sadness dripping through every word.
I’m sorry what? I looked up at him. “What?”
Dr. Honsu shook his head realizing he was drifting off to another place. He came beside me and sat on the grass. “Though I’m not your father, I know who is.” He said calmly. I moved over and sat down next to him. Dr. Honsu shook his head. “Your mom had no reason to hide this from you all this time. She was selfish then and it looks like she’s selfish now.” He said. “One of the many reasons why we always fought.” Dr. Honsu reached into his back pocket and took out an old picture and handed it to me. I carefully took it and looked at it.
“Jax Preston.” Dr. Honsu said smiling sadly. “My best friend, my brother from another mother.”
My hands trembled as I remembered the smiling face of the other guy on the Polaroid that Andy had given me.
“Your mom doesn’t want you to know…but everybody deserves the truth. Why Gisele always wants to control a situation is beyond my understanding. How she could even keep this from---” Dr. Honsu stopped himself. It was one of the first time I’d seen him get worked up. He turned to me and shook his head smiling. “You have his smile and eyes…that’s remarkable.”
I looked back down at the picture as I traced the young face of the man staring back at me. This is my dad?
“He was the class clown.” Dr. Honsu laughed. “Jax was born to be free.”
My eyes were glued to the picture. This is my dad. This is my dad. This….this is him.
“The first time Jax met your mom…it was love at first sight. He talked about her for days on end. I admit I was jealous…didn’t much like coming second best to her.” Dr. Honsu said with a short laugh. He looked at the ground. “But when she didn’t come back the next semester and there was that rumor she was married…” Dr. Honsu trailed off.
I wiped an escaped tear as I focused on the picture. I tried to memorize his every feature.
Dr. Honsu stared off. “Jax was a good man. I’m not saying that just because he was my best friend. He had a heart of gold. He loved your mom and if…” Dr. Honsu turned to stare at me. “If he’d known about you he…” Dr. Honsu’s voice shook. “He would have loved you too.”
What he said sunk in as I stared at him in confusion. “He never knew about me?” I asked softly.
“I can bet my life on that.” Dr. Honsu said confidently. “He was crazy but he was not one to shy away from his responsibilities.” Dr. Honsu shook his head. “Not Jax…I know that for a fact.”
She’d never told him. My mom had never told him about me. This whole time…was he sure? Why wouldn’t she tell him? Wouldn’t any woman tell? “What…um…how….where is---where is he?” I asked stuttering. “I mean…how can I get in touch with him?”
Dr. Honsu looked away as I saw sadness in his eyes. “Jax….” He trailed off. He took a deep breath as he stared into the bright sky. “Perfect flying weather he would say.” Dr. Honsu said reminiscing, his mind a million miles away. “Five years ago, he was flying a couple across Antigua when the plane experienced engine failure and crashed into the ocean.” Dr. Honsu shook his head. “He was doing a favor for a friend, the guy lied and told Jax the plane had passed inspection 2 days before…”
I stared blankly at Dr. Honsu. No. No…please….no. I looked away. I could feel my whole inside going numb.
“I’m sorry.” Dr. Honsu said. “Fuck.” He muttered looking away.
“Thanks.” I said happily giving him a smile. “Thanks for everything….for this, for the information.” I said quickly getting up. “It…I…I got the answer I was looking for.”
Dr. Honsu got up. “Ornelia…” He looked so devastated as he looked up me. “Jax would have been so proud of the woman you became…you’re the second in his family to finish college. He would have been really happy.”
I nodded as I looked away. I needed to get out of here. “Thank you Dr. Honsu…tha…than….” I couldn’t finish my sentence as waves of tears washed over my face. I put my hand over my mouth to stop from crying out. The tears wouldn’t stop and I found that I could barely breathe. All I could do was to rest my head on the shoulder of the man in front of me as he pulled me into a tight embrace.
“I’m so sorry Ornelia. But I’m so glad I found you.” Dr. Honsu said his voice breaking. “Through you Jax lives on.”
I nodded as I closed my eyes. God hated me. He really hated me. There was no other reason.
It took a couple minutes for me to get myself together again, but when I did, I apologized profusely for ruining his shirt. He waved the apology away as he ran his hand over my hair.
“That’s what godfathers are for.” He said smiling.
I looked up at him.
“That is if you’ll accept me as one.” Dr. Honsu said rather shyly.
I nodded, unable to really form words. “I think…I think I should go.” I said softly.
“Anything you want Ornelia---“
I nodded as I let Dr. Honsu’s voice trail off in the background. This wasn’t his fault, he had nothing to do with this. But after hearing all this, I felt empty, completely drained. God hated me and I knew I was cursed. There was no other reason why everything was shit. I rushed back into the house giving a brief nod to Yuri who got up in concern. Andy was at my side in a heartbeat, as he took in my red wet eyes. To my luck, nobody really said anything. I was sure Yuri already knew by the way she rubbed my back and it seemed as if Andy caught on. I let him take my hand as we said our good bye and got in the car.
As we drove off Andy tried to make small talk, attempting to lighten the mood, but I was numbing the pain. I had to shut off the feelings. Too many different thoughts were going through my mind. It was driving me insane.
“He’s not my dad.” I told Andy unemotionally as I stared out the window. “My dad died 5 years ago.”
“I’m sorry.” Andy said. His hand came and rested on mine. I looked down at his pale white skin. Instead of feeling the warmth from his touch, my whole body felt cold. I slid my hand from underneath his and crossed my arms across my chest. I didn’t want anybody to touch me.
“I’m fine.” I said unemotionally. I cracked a smile and stared out the window. My mind not registering the beautiful landscape like before.
Andy didn’t say anything as he placed his hand back on the steering wheel. I was grateful for the silence.
“Want me to stay with you tonight?” Andy asked. “Or you can come to my place.”
I shook my head. “No…I’m fine.” I opened the door and quickly got out of his car. My front door seemed further away than usual.
“Ornelia wait up!” Andy said slamming his car door and jogging up to me. He grabbed my arm and turned me around to face him. “Do you want to go do something? Anything?”
I stared at the ground and shook my head. “Seriously I’m fine.” I said smiling. “I’m just really tired and want to go to sleep.”
Andy urgently rubbed my arm. “I can stay until you fall asleep. I can----“
I p
ulled away from him. “I want to be alone.” I said looking up at him for the first time in the past half hour. And this is why I hadn’t, because I didn’t want to see that look in his eyes. I didn’t want to see that despair, the pity. “You understand that right?” I asked my voice colder than I intended.
Andy stared at me as if he wanted to protest. He dropped his hands and looked away. “Of course.” He said softly.
“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine tomorrow.” I said reassuringly. “So don’t forget to come pick me up, I can’t wait for spring break.” I said enthusiastically. I quickly turned around and walked the rest of the way to my front door feeling Andy’s piercing eyes on my back the whole time. I opened the door and walked inside closing it gently behind me. I locked it and slid to the ground as I stared blankly at the living room.
O.J. Page 54