by Bijou Hunter
I decide to do what Kirk did and focus on what I have rather than what remains out of reach. Ruby and Chevelle are real while my father is a man who fucked my mother twenty-six years ago. He is no more to me than any other stranger on the street.
Fifty Four - Ruby
With Elle at school and everyone else at work, I find myself alone at the trailer. Unable to stop thinking about Harmony’s accusations, I need to prove my fears don’t mean I’m weak.
Except Harmony isn’t wrong. I am afraid of change. Not just leaving Lush Gardens but I’m terrified to trust Bonn. He’s different now, and I pretend that’s enough. Every day, I lie to myself about how I’ve forgiven him.
Except how can I forgive his sin when I’ve spent years avoiding any thought about the day I found out Bonn cheated? I hid behind a wall of rage to ensure I could survive and raise our daughter born only a month after he betrayed me.
Alone in my trailer with no distractions, I feel the memories returning about the darkest day of my life.
We were suffering through a heat wave, and I was fatter than ever. Sweaty and miserable, I spent my days waddling around my mom’s trailer. Bonn was working at a hardware store, saving up for a deposit on a trailer for us. We weren’t in the best place of our lives, but our future was planned out.
Once the baby was old enough, I’d get a job while Charlie babysat for me. Bonn and I would get married eventually, but I was more interested in living with him. I hated how he spent half of his time at his mom’s apartment. We needed to get the grown-up part of our lives started.
No doubt half of Hickory Creek knew about Bonn and Kim before he woke up from his bender. Lori from the coffee shop told Betty who told Mom who took me aside and shared the bad news.
As sensitive as she tried to be and as much as my sisters consoled me, there was no fixing what Bonn did with Kim. I didn’t want to believe what I heard, of course. Bonn was the only man I’d ever trusted. He loved me completely, through bad days and good. We’d been teenagers together, moody as all hell, yet never spent a full day apart. We argued occasionally, but we always made up by the end of the day. Bonn wasn’t the kind of man to cheat. That kind of man was his father, and my Bonn refused to be like Howler Hallstead. I was certain the rumor was a lie.
Except I somehow knew the rumor wasn’t a mistake. Deep in my gut where I sensed I was having a daughter before the ultrasound proved it and where I understood my father would never make peace with me before his death. That part of me knew I didn’t need to talk to Bonn to know the truth. I’d already heard it from my mom.
I remember staring at my tear-stained face in the mirror and hating the woman looking back at me. She was a hormonal mess with pimples and dark circles under her eyes. Her hair looked like shit, and she walked around in oversized clothes rather than maternity gear since it was cheaper. If she hadn’t been such an ugly loser would Bonn’s dick have wanted someone else?
A little after two in the afternoon, Bonn showed up at the trailer, looking hungover and as if he’d puked his body weight the night before. Worst of all, he was still beautiful in a way I wasn’t anymore. When I stepped out to speak to him, I actually understood why he wanted someone else. I’d let myself go while he remained as sexy as ever.
Things might have ended up differently if Bonn had spoken up as soon as I joined him outside. I felt like a loser who drove my love to cheat because I’d gotten too fat. All morning, my heart wanted him to give me another chance.
But Bonn didn’t speak up immediately. He stood there looking sick and miserable, leaving me time to visualize him with Kim. The image erased my sorrow and guilt long enough to allow my temper to take over.
Kim was the loser, not me. Bonn fucked a piece of shit and that made him a loser too. He wasn’t good enough for me. I never would have cheated on him if he got fat or his skin broke out from hormonal shit. I would have loved him even if he weren’t the beautiful boy I first fell for. I’d have loved him forever, but he couldn’t love me that way.
Once I started screaming at him, I couldn’t stop. I called him every name I could think of and said he was no better than his shithead father. Bonn only stood there like a wall as if my rage bounced off him. I finally gave up yelling when my throat began hurting. My last words were, “I never want to see you again.”
I’d meant it too.
The only way to keep from groveling to Bonn was by waking up every day with hate for him in my heart. If I relented even for a moment, my love for him would return and I’d forgive him anything.
Now after so many years, I can’t let go of the hate. Even when I hold onto Bonn and dream of our future together, the old resentments linger.
Reliving how pathetic and alone I felt that day awakens the pain I’d learned to live with. I look around the trailer, wanting to find something to distract me, but it’s too late.
Leaning against the fridge, I slide to the ground and let the sorrow and humiliation rise in me. I trusted Bonn completely, and he fucked someone else. I make myself imagine him with Kim. I’ve avoided those thoughts for years because I needed to be strong for my baby. Today, I make myself feel it all — the betrayal, longing, shock, and the sense that I’d never be whole again.
I’m still on the ground long after my sobs end. My mind replays the hundreds of times I saw Bonn over the years. How I avoided him at all costs, knowing his power over me.
Had I been wrong to shut him off from me? Did I deprive Bonn, Elle, and myself of a happy family because my pride got the best of me? Bonn was the one who betrayed me, but I realize I’m the one who kept me stuck for so long.
“What’s wrong?” Bonn asks, kneeling next to me.
I look up, startled by his presence. The sun is lower in the sky and I wonder how long I’ve been lost in my head.
“Why didn’t you say anything the day after you cheated with Kim?”
Bonn doesn’t seem startled by my question. “Nothing I could say would fix what I did.”
“You could have tried.”
“I know, and I thought about that a lot afterward, but it was too late. You wouldn’t talk to me, and I couldn’t force you.”
“Until the day you did force me,” I say, wiping my eyes.
“I got sick of waiting for a magical fix to the problem. Besides, if Camden got his girl, I knew I could get mine.”
“You’re so competitive.”
“No, but I knew you and I were meant to be together. He just had the hots for Daisy and managed to create his opportunity. I watched him force his way into her life until she never wanted to let him go. I couldn’t see that and not make a move I should have made years ago. I finally said the things I should have said the day after I cheated. I might have needed to say I was sorry a million times before you forgave me, but I should have tried.”
“Yes, you should have.”
Bonn sits next to me on the ground. “I regret that every day.”
“We could have found a way to be together years ago, but we didn’t. Why were we so stupid?”
“You aren’t stupid.”
“I avoided you,” I say, relieved to feel him against me.
“I hurt you.”
“We were raising a daughter together, and I couldn’t be in the same room with you.”
“Because you knew I’d seduce you if you were anywhere near my powerful pull.”
Grinning despite my bad mood, I shake my head. “You’re feeling like a real stud now, aren’t you?”
Bonn shares my smile. “I won the heart of the only girl that matters, and I did it twice. Yeah, I feel like a fucking king.”
I rest my head against his arm. “You stole my confidence back then, Bonn. For years, I’ve been faking like I’m strong, and that’s why I’m scared to leave my comfort zone. If I hadn’t been so overwhelmed, I don’t think I’d have agreed to go to Kentucky. Deep inside, though, I had to know if we had a shot.”
“I’m glad you did, but if you hadn’t, I wouldn’t have given up. The
re’s only so long a man can wait, and I’d hit my limit.”
Bonn adjusts so I can rest my face against his chest while his arm wraps around the back of me. He’s no longer the boy I loved. I see little differences around the eyes. Bonn is all grown up, and I wish we hadn’t spent so many years apart. I’d have loved to see my Bonn grow into the man now holding me.
“Did you tell the condo manager that you’re moving out?” I ask.
“Not yet. I’ve been too focused on Common Bend and us.”
“I’m glad because I think we should move there. It won’t be such a big change for Elle, and I’ll have Daisy nearby. Even if it’s not a huge shakeup, it’s time for me to toughen up and leave Lush Gardens.”
Bonn doesn’t ask if I’m certain. While I’m no longer the girl he fell in love with, he still understands me well enough to know I’m ready for a new start. One we should have enjoyed years ago but only now embraced for ourselves.
Fifty Five - Bonn
My mother takes the carton of cigarettes I bought her followed by the bottle of vodka. I watch her pour a little into her coffee mug. My mother’s addictions are as much a part of her as the lisp in her speech and the limp in her walk. I never knew the young woman she was before meeting Howler and having me. That woman probably didn’t smoke and drink like a bar whore, but she was long gone before I got to forming memories.
“Ruby and I are back together,” I say, handing her a picture Chevelle drew for her grandmother.
Mom looks at the picture and smiles a little, but her mind is on the booze. She takes a few sips before reacting to my comment.
“I’m happy for you.”
“We’re moving to my condo next week.”
“That’s a step up from the trailer park.”
Sighing, I kneel next to her chair. “Is there anything you need?”
“I have everything. Thank you,” she says, patting my cheek before focusing on the forever playing TV.
Leaving her apartment, I think back to the melancholy I waded through all my life. Mom never broke free, and I used to worry I’d get stuck too. Meeting Ruby gave me a way out. Even after I lost her, I had Chevelle plus the hope of winning back Ruby. Now I’m free even if my mother never will be.
I’m desperate to get back to the trailer to enjoy my blessings and shake free of my mother’s unhappiness. I’ll make popcorn and watch TV until Chevelle’s bedtime. Afterward, I’ll make Ruby come so hard she forgets her name.
“So, we finally meet,” says a voice from behind me.
I decide to keep walking. The guy runs to get in front of me.
“I’m in a hurry,” I say to my half-brother, JJ.
“Oh, I bet you are. Making big moves these days, huh?”
Not giving JJ any more love than I gave Howler, I ask, “Do I know you?”
“I’d be surprised if you didn’t.”
“Well, then color me the fuck surprised.”
JJ shifts from one foot to the other, trying to hide his agitation. “Didn’t anyone tell you that you had a brother in town?”
“I probably have a lot of brothers in town. Sisters too. Howler’s dick leaked its way through most of the women in the northern part of the state.”
“I guess that’s right,” JJ says, rubbing at his chin. “I still think you know who I am.”
“Camden and Dayton mentioned Howler was big on playing daddy lately, so, yeah, I heard that much about you.”
“Do I hear a hint of jealousy?”
Smiling, I shove my hands in my pockets and give him an “aw shucks” look. He’s two or three inches smaller than me. Beefy up top but not so much from the waist down.
“Look, I get you’re happy to have a dad in your life,” I say. “It’s every bastard’s dream to hook up with their wayward parent and pretend as if they were always cherished. We all go through the Hallmark card dream, but I’ll give you a little advice. You know, brother to brother.”
“What’s that, man with a plan?”
“Howler is at the midlife crisis age. Most guys will go wild and buy a Harley, fuck barely legal women, and play the tough guy. Of course, that’s been Howler’s life since he was old enough to get a hard-on. So, for a man like him, he’s going to go a different route and play family man. Lucky for him, one of his bastards showed up looking for a hug. Everything worked out perfect for the asshole as usual.”
“So, what’s the warning?”
“A midlife crisis doesn’t last forever. Sooner or later, an average man wants to return to his average wife and kids, sell his Harley, and stop pretending to be anything except a middle-aged square. In Howler’s case, he’ll tire of playing daddy and return to his life of not giving a shit about what his jizz created. When that day comes, you better hope you’ve made more friends than enemies in Hickory Creek.”
“Should I consider you an enemy?”
“Man, my days of dreaming of having a brother are long gone, so I don’t care if you live or die.”
“You’re the one who should be worried.”
“Yet I’m not, so what’s that tell you?”
I step around him and keep walking to where my SUV is parked on the street. JJ follows at first, maybe thinking to start trouble. When I don’t take the bait, he turns and walks away. Sooner or later, someone will end him in this place, but it won’t be me.
Fifty Six - Ruby
Sally and I sit on lawn chairs facing the community pond. To endure the dying heat of the day, we drink mint mojitos with lots of ice. Earlier, we packed most of my bedroom, and Bonn already moved several boxes of Chevelle’s toys to his place. Daisy and Harmony plan to help me with the rest of the trailer. Soon, I’ll leave behind Lush Gardens after calling it my home for over fifteen years.
“I should have planned for this day,” Mom says, staring at the failing sun behind her gold sunglasses. “Nothing perfect lasts forever.”
“What was perfect?”
“Having my girls and grandkids down the path where they could walk to my trailer whenever they wanted. For so long, I’ve had everyone I loved right here in Lush Gardens. Part of me thought I always would. Then Daisy left and now you. Soon, Harmony will go. I will be alone with Betty and Charlie.”
“And Billy and the rest of the people here.”
“Won’t be the same.”
Feeling guilty, I don’t know what to say. My mother rarely gets depressed in front of us. Now she’s sad and I’m the cause. How do I fix her pain except to puss out on my plans?
“Don’t second guess yourself, Ruby,” Mom says. “You’re right to take a chance with Bonn.”
“I still feel guilty for leaving.”
“Don’t. I never felt guilty when I followed my heart with silly men. We only have one life, and I don’t want you to suffer from regret,” she says, reaching out for my hand and giving it a squeeze. “Grab what you want and hope for the best. Sometimes, it works out like with Daisy, and sometimes it doesn’t like with my love life.”
“You could try to find someone new.”
Sally shakes her head. “No, I loved your father who charmed me with his sweet words. Then I loved a man completely lacking in charm. Finally, I went wild with a pretty man I could barely understand. In each case, I came out of the relationship with a bruised heart and a precious daughter. Now I have a comfortable life in Lush Gardens and this chance with La Famiglia Adding a man would do me no good. Long ago, Betty and I decided to be single together. Loving her doesn’t leave me bruised, and my vibrator does the work she can’t.”
Laughing, I think about how much easier Mom’s love life would be if she and Betty could get over their heterosexuality. Then again, adding romance to a friendship between two temperamental women might not be such a great idea.
After ridding myself of the visual of my mother and her pink vibrator she named Franco, I think about how much work is left at the trailer. Bonn’s condo doesn’t need any of my things to fill it up, but I’m bringing as much of my crap as possible.
>
The reality of sleeping at the condo every night doesn’t bother me as much as knowing I’ll give up the trailer. Even loving Bonn and learning to trust him again, I crave a safety net in case we fail again.
“Do you think Bonn will cheat again?” I ask Mom.
“I don’t know. I’ve never understood men well. What do you think?”
“I think he believes he won’t.”
“Is there anything more he can do than plan to be faithful?”
“No, I guess not. As much as I want assurances, that ain’t happening.”
“You want to dream, but the last time you tried, life bit you in the ass. Just remember how he came back to you. I’d say he’s worth the dream.”
“I do love him so much, and I never could get him out of my system. That’s probably my sign.”
“Yes, and if things don’t work out with Bonn, maybe you’ll get another baby out of it.”
Sally’s expression sends me into giggles. Even knowing the hardships of raising children alone, she views my sisters and me as the consolation prizes of her failed love affairs.
I try to imagine returning to Lush Gardens with another kid in tow once Bonn and I crash and burn. Except I know my heart refuses to believe such a thing will happen. While Mom never found a man worth keeping, I was lucky enough to find mine.
Fifty Seven - Bonn
I can’t deny Bonn’s condo is addictive. At first, I was overwhelmed by the shiny newness of it. The entire kitchen reeks of excess. What in the hell do I need two ovens for? To be decadent tonight, I put a pizza in one and a pie in the other.
Then there’s the shiny shower and the big bathtub and the view and, of course, my beloved laundry room.