by James Peters
“It looks delicious,” I said. “What is it?”
“Well, what you’re seeing on da’ outside is da’ bacon. Delicious Jamaican bacon, hand woven together and tied around the main course. Dat’ bacon is made from pigs we raise right ‘ere. You’ll never find bacon so delicious, mon. You know what da’ secret is?”
“I have no idea.”
“It’s what we feed ‘em. Of course, we give ‘em da’ usual slop, but we also add something special to the mix: Ganja. We add just da’ right amount to keep ‘em da’ happiest pigs on Earth. And dat’ makes da’ bacon da’ most delicious you’ve eva’ tasted. You’re in fo’ a treat, Raka,” Nicholai said.
“It looks like I am. But, what is the bacon wrapped around?”
“Sloth,” Nicholai said.
“Sloth? How do you cook a sloth?”
“How do ya’ cook a sloth, he asks!” Nicholai said, before bursting into laughter.“What do you think, mon? How do ya’ cook a sloth? You slow cook it.”
Marco let out a call that sounded like a laugh and the female chimp followed, louder, and bouncing up and down. Commander Meow Meow gave her a dirty look and hissed at her. She shrieked briefly and knocked over a crystal glass of water, shattering the fine glass. Marco gave me a look that said, “Please get her away from me.”
“This reception is certainly more than I expected. Thank you,” I said.
Nicholai’s eyes squinted a bit. “What did ya’ expect mon?”
“Well, Maven led me to believe you would kill me on sight.”
Nicholai’s face turned grave. “Maven. Trouble that one is. Many times I thought dat nothin’ would surprise me from her, and ev’y time I was wrong.”
“I see. Would you mind telling me what happed? I’d like to hear your side of things.”
“Well, after you sacrificed yo’self to save Marco, we was sho’ you was dead. Maven fought dat shuttle all da’ way to da’ ground. She put dat ship unda’ so much stress I was sho’ it would snap in two, but evy’time it groaned nasty, she’d let up just a lil’. She laid dat shuttle down hard in an unpop’lated area; so hard she broke her arm and some ribs. She was a yowlin’ like she was dyin’. Marco grabbed da’ E-Med kit and brought it to her to get her healed up. Dat worked, and she was able to walk away from da landing. We hid da’ shuttle and she figured out how to turn on da’ camo’.”
“That all fits. Then what?”
“We didda’ know what we’d find. We tried to stay out of trouble, and I figured we could sell some of da’ stash from da’ shuttle to take care o’ us. Dat worked for a while.”
“Then what?”
“Maven. Dat girl’s got issues. She scary.”
“She’s scary? Why do you say that?”
“She’s not happy just livin’ a good life. She wanna’ run evy’ting. Dat and she ain’t afraid to kill. She came up with dis’ plan inna’ case anyone got close to da shuttle. Da girl spent weeks mappin’ out da’ land with some quanta’sonar thingy. She musta’ drilled fifty holes in da’ ground all at exact depths and angles. Den she placed a calibrated charge in each a’dem. If anybody got close to us, she could set off an earthquake to cover any evidence we was eva’ d’ere.”
“Maven did this? She set the bombs?” A wave of disgust flowed through me. “She, uh, you didn’t set the bombs?”
“Shit mon, I dunno’ nothin’ ‘bout no bombs. I thought she was crazy, but her plan damn-sho’ worked. A buncha’ people died ‘cause a’ her.”
“She’d have me believe just the opposite. That you set the bombs and would probably kill me on sight. But since that didn’t happen…”
“Raka, I’ve dunna’ lot a’ bad things by some people’s definitions, but I’m no killer, mon. Once da bombs went off and da whole area flooded, she and I, well we didda’ get along too good after dat’. We decided it was best for us to go our separate ways. I wanted da drugs, she wanted da computers and tech from da shuttle. She stripped it down to da point that it only had what was absolutely necessary for it to fly. Den she told me to take it and neva’ return. So I came here, and have lived peacefully eva’ since. I’m happy here, and dat’s enough for me.”
“I understand, but I have some bad news for you. I’m convinced the Empire is coming.”
“Bullshit!” Nicholai said. “No way they could eva’ find us.”
“I thought the same until I met a man that knew a lot about us. Details, descriptions, data. He was certain that the Empire was coming. He knew a lot of things I couldn’t argue with.”
“Is dat why you came here? ‘Cause da’ Empire is coming? What’s da’ big deal – you think they could find us?”
“Let me explain. Somebody leaked Empire technology to this world; this ‘Barbarian’ world in the eyes of the Empire. Earth skipped entire generations of technology in just a few years. Without that tech, the Empire might have simply subjugated this planet. With that tech, they’ll see this planet as a threat and destroy it.”
“So dat’s why you came here, to save me again? What are you mon, some kinda’ fool or hero?”
“More likely the fool. But I’ve come to care for this planet and the people on it. One, in particular, that needs my help. You have the shuttle, right?”
“Yes. It is here and safe.”
Commander Meow Meow walked across the table and allowed Nicholai to pet him, the cat raising his head and purring loudly.
“Is it flyable?”
“Yes. It needs to be fueled, of course.”
“The E-Med loadout. Is it on the shuttle?”
“No. Maven took all da’ tech, remember.”
I ground my teeth. “Fuck. Of course she did.”
“Why you so worried ‘bout a med kit?”
“Someone I care deeply for needs it.”
“I see. But do ya’ think it would work, you know, with da’ differences?”
“What differences are you talking about? We’re all from the same seed.”
“Ya’, I’ve heard da stories. Evolvin’ from da fishes, but dere’s still a lot of differences.” Nicholai savored a strip of bacon pulled from the sloth. “Dere’s a difference between humans and animals, dat’s all I’m sayin.”
“After all this time, you still think of these people as barbarians? Is that what you’re telling me?” I could feel my pulse rising in anger, my veins throbbing in my neck. “These people could teach the Empire a thing or two about being civilized.”
“Why you talkin’ people? You said you needed da E-Med kit fo’ someone you cared deeply fo. You coulda’ just said it’s fo’ Marco. We don’t judge here, Raka.”
“What?! No! It’s not for Marco. It’s for Gina…”
“Gina?”
“She’s my wife, and she’s from Earth.”
Nicholai turned to Marco. “Marco’s okay with dis? Monkey-mon, you okay with this Gina?”
Marco smiled and pointed to his heart, the meaning clear and actually a little touching.
“The kit is for Gina. Marco has nothing to do with this. She has a disease that I’m certain can be cured with the E-Med kit. Now I’m hearing it is back in Montana, with Maven. Why does my life always turn out this way?”
Nicholai shrugged, turning one hand upward.
I shook my head and took a bite of the wonderful bacon. Its depth of flavor and texture delighted my senses. “Wow. That’s really good,” I said, taking another bite. “You weren’t kidding about this Jamaican Bacon.” As I ate, a sense of well-being come over me; a level of content and calm. “This is delicious.”
“It takes da’ edge off too. So it sounds ta’ me you gots a few problems. First problem is you need da’ medicine from da Empire to save yo’ girl. Second problem, you don’t wanna’ Empire findin’ us here. Den you gots one mo’ problem before you can do anything about da otha’ two. Maven.”
“Maven?”
“Don’t underestimate dat’ girl. She’s connivin’, a little crazy, and a killer. And she’s smart, scary smart. Why yo
u think she sent you here?”
“To kill you and retrieve the shuttle,” I said.
“Yeah, but she knows you ain’t no killa’. She may hope dat’ you killed, me, but she’s planning on you comin’ back knowin’ da truth. She’ll be ready for you, with a trap.”
“You’re probably right. But if she’s got the E-med kit and is the one that’s been leaking the technology, I’ve got to go back there.”
“What’s yo’ plan, Raka? Let’s say you get da kit, and you heal Gina. Den what? If da Empire is on its way, then you just bought a little time, dat’s all. How you gonna’ keep da Empire from Earth?”
I sighed. “I’ve been thinking about that on the boat, between barfing and worrying about being arrested. For the Empire to find Earth, they must have gotten a signal through the broadcast node system. That signal would have to travel at the speed of light to the node, then it would immediately arrive at command. They’ll track down than broadcast node and then it’s just a matter of triangulating the signal to Earth. When there’s only one signal, it’s easy to do. But what if there were dozens?”
“Ya’ think there are dozens of barbarian worlds out here?” Nicholai rolled his eyes. “Dat’ bacon is setting in quick!”
“I know there aren’t dozens of barbarian worlds out here. Here’s what I’m thinking. I know enough about radio transmission to build dozens of broadcasting beacons. We could take a recording of what’s coming from Earth, spread the beacons throughout the galaxy, and the Empire would have to track down each one to verify them. It would buy us years.”
“Now you thinkin’ Raka,” Nicholai said. “Den you and dis Gina can live out yo’ lives in safety.”
“That’s what we have to do. Earth will be safe for a while, and maybe, just maybe, by the time the Empire finds this planet, it will be capable of defending itself. Now how do we deal with Maven?”
“Dat’ bitch sent you here to kill me, right?”
“Yes.”
“We take da’ shuttle back to her. You tell her dat’ I’m dead. She’ll have a trap set up fo’ you, but she won’t expect me. I’ll get da’ drop on her.”
“She won’t believe I killed you. She’d expect that, if she’s as smart as you say.”
“That’s prob’ly true. You see, me trying to save you is all part of da plan. Once I’m captured, she’ll relax, den da next part of da plan can start.”
I studied Nicholai’s face, searching for a clue. “Next part?”
“Marco.”
I looked at Marco and he gave me a sly smile. “What keeps her from killing me the moment I get off that shuttle?”
“Info’mation. You radio her as we’re return’n. Tell her dat you killed me, and you know da Empire is coming right now, and I had coordinates fo’ anotha’ Barbarian world you two could go to. Tell her I had a trade network setup with one’a my cousins or somethin’.”
He paused for a moment and nibbled on a piece of the bacon. “Think about dis. If da’ Empire has found us, it’s got to be a bacon from the shuttle.”
“Bacon? There’s bacon on the shuttle?” I asked.
“Beacon. The shuttle must be sending out a beacon. Tell ‘er you can disconnect it. She won’t expect any of dat, so she’ll want to extract all she can outa’ you ‘fore killin’ you. That way, she’ll prob’ly torture you instead.”
“Wow, that sounds so much better. But I believe that as long as Maven thinks I have information that may help her, she’ll keep me alive. Then you come after me, right?”
“Right. Anna’ if I get caught, we gots our ace in da hole. Marco.”
As Nicholai spoke, Commander Meow Meow hissed toward the chimpanzees, provoking Babs to throw a potato at the cat. Nicholai deflected the spud missile with a backhand motion, sending it to the floor for a servant to clean up. The Commander stood up, arched his back up in the air, and bounced sideways toward the female chimp. Marco grabbed her hand and pulled her back as she started to climb on the table. A servant found some bananas on one of the trays and offered it to Babs. She took the banana and retreated to a corner away from the table .
“So you tell Maven that you can disconnect it, with her help. She’ll keep you alive, den we get da drop on her. We can get you da E-Med kit, you can take it to your girl, build a bunch of radio beacons, we spread dem through the galaxy to confuse da Empire, and we’re back by lunch.”
“It sounds so simple when you put it that way. What do you think our odds are?” I said, never afraid to ask a stupid question.
Nicholai laughed. “Not a chance in Hell. But we’ve got to try.”
“Agreed. What do we do next?”
“I need to ‘range things here. Get someone to look afta’ da Commander while we’re gone, put people in charge of da place. You can go talk to my mon, Keb. I’ll give you his address. Keb will fuel up da shuttle with cesium and prep it for flight.”
“Keb knows about the shuttle?”
“Yes. I can’t maintain evy’ting, so I have a few people that know a few t’ings. Keb doesn’t know where it’s from; he thinks it’s an experimental craft from our Skunkworks group. Anna’ dey think it was designed as an experiment in da Advanced Research Area. Dey all think another group built it.”
“I see. Each group knows just enough to keep things going.”
“By design,” Nicholai said. He broke off a piece of meat for the Commander and fed it to him gently. “Tomorrow morning, you take da’ truck ova’ to Keb’s anna’ tell him to fuel up da shuttle. I’ll take care of t’ings here, and we’ll move out after dark.”
“Sounds like a plan.” I’m not sure if it was a calming effect of the bacon or just a relief that we agreed to do something, but even though I knew this plan had little chance of success, I had a strange sense of relaxation at that moment.
A stupid plan is better than no plan at all.
***
The next morning, I awoke to a cloudy mind and the smell of a strong pot of coffee brewing in a sitting area of my room. I breathed in the steaming aroma from the exquisitely dainty cup and took a sip. On the table I found a slip of paper with an address on it, a rudimentary map, and a set of keys. I got myself prepared, walked to the main entrance of the big house, and a guard stood there. I held up the keys. He nodded and, without a word, pointed to a road-weary Ford pickup. I pulled the door handle to a loud creak, climbed inside and started it up. The engine fired with a belch of smoke and a very-rich idle. I pressed the clutch toward the floor, wrestled the shifter into first and eased out the clutch. First gear would get the old truck up to about ten miles an hour; a granny-gear for certain. I quickly learned to keep the truck rolling as much as possible and start off in second.
I followed the map to an industrial building in the exact center of the middle of nowhere. I searched but found no markings on the door or bell to ring. I tried the handle but it didn’t budge, so I knocked hard. I heard movement inside, then a voice.
The voice called from behind the metal door. “Who is it?”
“Raka. Nicholai sent me.” I said.
“I don’t know a Raka, and everyone knows Nicholai. You’ll have to do better than that if you want in.”
“Are you Keb? Nicholai sent me to meet with Keb.”
“I might be Keb, but I don’t know a Raka.”
“Everybody I meet here knows my name, why don’t you?” I said. “There’s a freaking statue of me at the big house. You know, Raka?”
“Nope. Doesn’t ring a bell.”
“Raka the Monkey-Fucker? That doesn’t mean anything to you?” I couldn’t believe I had said that.
“Why didn’t you say so! The Monkey-Fucker in the flesh? Come on in!”
He unlocked the door and swung it inward. A short man, probably in his sixties in Earth years, dark skin offset by snow-white hair and beard stood before me. His eyes so dark that they looked to be all pupil.
“Thank you. Nicholai sent me here. He needs you to fuel up the, uh, aircraft with cesium.”
/> “He’s finally going to take it out for a spin, huh?”
“Yes. He promised to take me for a ride.” It seemed like a reasonable thing to say.
“Long ride or short ride?” Keb said, then added, “Do you need the tanks full?”
“Long ride. Fill it up.”
“Will do. I’ll check the oil while I’m at it.” Keb laughed as he walked away. “You might as well have a seat.” He pointed to a red velour bench seat that came out of some old car. “Make yourself at home.”
I sat down. The seat had been propped up to keep it from rocking, but it still moved a little under my weight. I picked up a local newspaper with a story on an up and coming music star, Bob something, complete with a picture of him standing, shaking hands with Nicholai. I scanned the article and moved on to some other stories that didn’t mean much to me. I waited for a while, then wandered over to the door that Keb had exited through. It has a grimy window that I could barely see light through. I made out motion, but not actions. I got a slight whiff of mineral oil while standing there, while I heard pumps straining in the background. Finally, Keb returned.
“Give me the keys to the truck,” he said, as soon as he opened the door.
I tried to read his face but got nothing. “Keys? What for?”
“I’m guessing I’m better at hooking up the trailer than you are.” Keb looked at me straight in the eyes. “The aircraft is a secret. It’s on a trailer with sides that roll up so nobody can see it. I’m going to connect that trailer to the truck you drove, so you can take it back to Nicholai. Why do you think he had you take the old truck?”
“I didn’t think about it. I assume he has other vehicles?”
“Nicholai has a fleet of cars. He keeps one old truck for situations like this. Give me the keys, and guide me back.”
He motioned for me to follow him to the trailer; turning his hand up and drawing one finger toward himself. “You stand at the tongue, and point the direction that the ball needs to go. Move your hands together to indicated how much more I have to back up. When the ball is under the receiver, wave me off to stop.”