by Dawson, H A
‘Kathryn! Stop this,’ he said.
She elbowed past him, kicked over a stool and flung a loaf of bread across the kitchen floor. ‘Perhaps, just this once, it wasn’t my fault!’
Greg grabbed her upper arms, forcing her still.
She spat in his face. ‘Let me go! I hate you. I hate you all.’
‘Calm down! Now!’
‘Why? You never listen to what I have to say. I’m always in the wrong according to you.’
‘So did you make this mess?’
She held a stony glare.
‘Kathryn?’
‘So what if I did? No one gives a shit. Little miss goody two shoes will clean it up. It’s what she enjoys.’
Jade averted her eyes.
‘Language!’ Greg said.
Kath mouthed a swear word.
‘You’re a disgrace, and it’s about time you took responsibility for your actions.’
‘Whatever.’
She headed to the doorway.
Greg grabbed her arm and swung her to face him. ‘You’re not going anywhere until you clean this mess up.’
Kath thrust her knee into his groin, yanked herself free and raced outside. There was a loud crashing sound. The dustbin had clattered to the ground.
Greg doubled over, nursing his agony.
‘I’m sorry Dad.’
‘It’s not your fault.’
‘Shall I go after her?’
‘Don’t bother. She’ll return when she’s ready.’
Jade peered through the open doorway and watched as Kath’s figure faded from view. She had always returned swiftly in the past, but perhaps this time she would stay away. What had she to return to? No one understood her, and no one knew why she was guided by her temper. As her mother had said, she was out of control.
Kath still hadn’t returned by late afternoon, and Jade struggled to settle. She blamed herself. If she hadn’t threatened to tell their father the time she had really returned, then Kath wouldn’t have lost her temper. Jade should have known better; in recent weeks, Kath had become very volatile.
She sat crossed-legged on the bed and stared blindly at the magazine, as Wannabe, a Spice Girls track, sounded on her CD player. Uneasy, she struggled to focus. She stared through the window, gazing along the avenue and searched for her sister. Only an occasional car passed by; there was no one in their gardens and no pedestrians. It was a bleak vista, a cold, murky afternoon with intermittent sunshine and bursts of rain, and it wasn’t the type of day to loiter.
Kath could be in the local park, either hanging around in a disused bandstand or drinking in the café, or maybe she was in the town centre. Would she be drinking again? She could have collapsed somewhere or got herself into trouble, or perhaps she was at a friend’s house. Jade’s worries rumbled. Despite everything, Kath was still her little sister, and she wanted her back home.
She scampered downstairs, intent on telling her parents she was going to look for her, and opened the living room door. The boys were engrossed in a television programme but her parents were not there. She stepped towards the kitchen. The door was closed and there was the hushed sound of strained voices. She hesitated at the doorway and pressed her ear to the wood.
‘I can’t do this anymore,’ Nancy said, ‘it’s all too hard.’
‘Then you have to insist the doctor prescribes new medication. I’ll go with you.’
‘No! I’m on the highest amount possible as it is, and every time I take it, I feel sick. My body can’t take anymore.’
‘There must be something they can do.’
‘There isn’t,’ Nancy’s voice quivered. ‘I’m a lost cause. I . . . I want it to end.’
‘Don’t say that. There’s always hope.’
‘Hope? What’s that? They’ve washed their hands of me. I can see it in their eyes every time I have an appointment.’
‘I’m sure that’s not true.’
Nancy breathed a loud sigh. ‘I can’t do a damned thing for myself. Most nights I struggle to turn over in bed, I can’t wash myself, I can’t even wipe my bum after I’ve been to the toilet. It’s humiliating . . . it’s horrible. You’ve no idea. I’m going to make it end.’
‘What are you saying?’
Silence.
‘No! I won’t let you.’
Jade’s heart pounded and her body quivered. Needing a support, she leaned into the wall, pressing her back into the white embossed wallpaper. Was her mother talking of suicide? Jade knew she was depressed, but she never realised it had reached such an extent. She gawped at the floor, blanking out the high-spirited cries of her brothers, and searched her memory banks for evidence.
The earlier disagreement over the spilled coffee sprung to her mind, yet that had not been the only time her mother’s tears had surfaced, and Jade had, on numerous occasions, returned from school to find her mother crying on her bed. An explanation was not often given, but Jade could sometimes work out that it was because of an inability to fulfil a simple task. Once it was because her mother couldn’t fasten the buckle on her shoes, another time it was because she couldn’t open a can of food.
‘We’ll make your life better.’ Greg said, his voice higher-pitched and frantic. ‘Just tell me what to do.’
Silence.
‘Please Nancy. I won’t let you do this. I won’t allow it.’
‘You must. It’ll be better for everyone.’
‘No!’
Footsteps pounded the floor. Jade imagined him standing at the window and running his fingers across his scalp. There would be devastation in his face, a searing pain in his heart.
‘Let’s go on a family holiday,’ Greg said, ‘I’ll take time off work . . . how about six months? We could go to Australia. Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted?’
‘We don’t have the money.’
‘Then I’ll get a loan.’
‘No. I’ve made up my mind.’
Tears drenched Jade’s face. She was quaking, frozen cold, and squeezed her arms into her middle. Her mother couldn’t kill herself, it wasn’t right. Did she feel nothing? Did she not love them?
‘I won’t let you.’ Greg banged his fist on a surface. Something rattled. It sounded like the tea caddy.
‘It’ll be better for everyone,’ Nancy said.
‘Don’t talk such rubbish. We all love you and we need you.’
‘I’m a burden.’
‘No! No you’re not!’
‘Listen to me. It’s what I want. Jade is bright, and unless I am out of the way she will not venture into the world. She should go to university and make something of herself. I’ll talk to her . . . make her understand.’
‘Jade won’t understand, not at such a price. She loves you. Why can’t you see that? You’re being selfish.’
‘No Greg, for once, I’m not. I’ll still be with you, in your hearts, but I will not hold everyone back. Look at Kath. She is at a loss as what to do. She needs stability in her life and I cannot give her that in this state.’
‘She needs you in her life.’
‘She needs a real mother, yes, but that’s not me. She’ll do better in the long run with me out of the way. I know what I’m doing. I’ve thought long and hard about this.’
Jade was on the floor, her knees to her chest and her head down. She wanted to burst in but felt as though she had been chained to the spot, and could not move an arm or leg, or even release a helpless cry. All she could do was listen, and as each word was spoken, her breathing became more constricted and her pain amplified.
‘The poor girl is too terrified to come home,’ Nancy continued, ‘I take it she hasn’t returned yet.’
‘Ending your life is not going to change her. It’ll make her worse.’
‘It won’t. If I’m out of the way you’ll all be able to dedicate more time to her.’
Silence.
‘Kath hates seeing me like this. She’s not as strong as Jade. I’ve seen the pain in her eyes and how my helplessness br
eaks her apart. She needs a conclusion . . . needs to be able to move on in her life.’
‘She is going through puberty. Jade wasn’t perfect three years ago, or have you forgotten?’
‘Jade was nothing like Kath.’
‘You can’t say Kath’s behaviour is worse just because of your arthritis.’ Hope arrived in Greg’s voice. ‘You’re stressed and I understand that. Look, I’ll send Jade out to look for her, and when she comes back, I’ll have a good talk with her. We’ll sort her out, I promise, and then everything will seem easier.’
The door opened. It was her father. Surprised but his sudden appearance, Jade rubbed her hand across her shiny, tearful face. It was a pointless attempt to disguise she had been prying.
‘How much of that did you hear?’ he asked, having pulled to the door.
Jade opened her mouth to speak, but no words ventured forth.
‘Go find Kath for me.’ He leaned closer and dropped his voice to a whisper. ‘Don’t tell her any of what you’ve heard.’
Jade nodded.
‘Good girl.’
Jade levered herself to her feet, grasped her jacket from a peg, and hurried through the kitchen. She could not make eye contact with her mother and could not understand how suicide was even a consideration. Kath was her only hope.
Chapter 11
Current Day
The darkness and tranquillity was alluring, just what she need after spilling out the tales of her mother to Luke. Leaving behind the terrace-houses, Jade stepped onto the grass, climbed the slight incline, and joined the path on the meadow. Guided only by the moonlight, Jade used her memories as an aid. Once upon a time, it had been a frequently visited spot, back when she was part of a happy family unit.
It had been within walking distance from their house, and often, on a weekend, especially when her mother was pregnant with John, she had insisted upon taking regular walks. For some reason her pregnancy had eased her symptoms of the arthritis, and those few months had been the best she had had for years. However, as soon as the baby was born, her pain and stiffness returned with vengeance.
Jade’s memories contorted her face. She had been twelve years old and had found it difficult listening to her mother’s pained cries, especially during the night when her agony seemed to peak. Nancy had moaned in a bitter desperation, willing with the searing agony into retreating. She had paced the bedroom, she had yelled out expletives, and she had locked her fingers between her jaw, fighting her adrenalin.
Wanting only to remove herself to a calmer place, Jade had buried herself in dark, inconspicuous spots. Still the sounds gnawed at her goodwill. She hated her mother’s illness and wanted it gone, and she hated her mother for screaming out so blatantly. Not only was she upsetting herself, but she was also upsetting everyone else in the house. She needed telling and could hold back no longer.
Jade stomped to her mother’s bedroom and swung open the door. ‘Stop it!’
Nancy turned around, surprised at the intrusion.
‘Not everyone wants to hear you’re suffering! You’re being selfish.’
She nursed her arms and scrunched her face.
‘No one can sleep because of you. Do something about it, or go elsewhere.’
Back in her bed, Jade pulled the covers to her neck, and listened for whimpers and heavy steps. All she could hear was a gentle snuffling sound coming from Kath’s bed, and even though it was not as sound she wanted to hear, the fact that is was the only sound was gratifying.
It was only later that Jade discovered she had done her mother a massive favour. Not only had Nancy been so wrapped up in her pain that she had been oblivious to the noise she had made, but she also hadn’t realised how her behaviour had perpetuated her agony, and how the more her blood flowed the more agonising her joints had become.
In time, Nancy had learned to fight the pain with calmness and distraction, teaching herself meditation, a valuable aid that took her to a place of tranquillity. She spoke of her journeys and how she floated pain-free over the hilltops and lakes, praising the power of the mind. Had it all been an act? Had her mother ever mastered her pain? It seemed not, not given her suicide.
Jade’s chest heaved. She stopped at a wall, leaned into the cold stone and stared to beyond the shadowy woodland to the twinkling house lights in the distance. Straining her eyes in the darkness, she searched for the gap in the wall. Edging forward in tiny steps, and scanning the path for obstructions, she made slow progress. However, as soon as she joined another path, one that was illuminated by lights at the rear of large detached houses, her steps quickened and her thoughts wandered.
With her mother’s illness and death still on her mind, the amnesia was, at times, an infuriating block. Whilst she could understand forgetting something as traumatic as a house fire, she could not understand why the events leading up to her mother’s death were also blank. If the memory of the discovery of her drowned mother in the bath had returned, why was the rest still obscured? Were the details more significant?
It seemed likely.
Fearing what was hidden, she reminded herself that, according to the facts, her mother had committed suicide and Kath had assisted. It was a terrible thing for her sister to do, and whilst she must have had good intentions, she had been placed in a juvenile detention centre for her actions.
Jade’s heart grew heavy. It was not something they had ever spoken about, but perhaps it was time they did. Tensing at the thought and with her panic welling up inside, she concluded it would not be practical until more of her memories returned. She would only be adding to her sister’s grief unnecessarily, and she would have nothing to offer in return.
Easing aside her turmoil, she walked along a path and peered into the woodland. It was still and silent; there was no movement in the canopy and no sign of prying eyes peeking from behind the tree trunks. She felt safe and reassured, but immediately she chastised herself for such a ridiculous thought. Her stalker could still be out there; he could be ready to grab her.
Her steps quickened. She hurried along a track, away from her intended route to a river, where she had sought tranquillity and thinking time, and to a playground that was better illuminated. The streetlight and house lights were a welcome relief from her agonising doubts, and feeling a little safer, she stopped peering over her shoulder and scanned the vista.
The field was about the size of a football pitch, and had goalposts at both ends. There was a paved walkway around the perimeter, and at the far corner was the playground. The woodland extended along two sides, a road was on another, and a row of semi-detached houses along the fourth side. Bar a man walking two dogs on the opposite path, she was alone.
Slipping her hands into her pockets, she gazed at the night sky. It was a beautiful evening, calming and reassuring, and the stars twinkled and the crescent moon peeked from behind a drifting cloud. Back when she had been homeless, she had spent many an hour gazing into the vastness, and depended upon its consistency for a soothing influence. Some things she could rely upon; some things never changed.
Enjoying the solace, Jade sat upon a bench, stretching out her legs and folding her arms, and sought familiar sights in the sky. One of the men she had shared a fire with had known much about astronomy, and had pointed to Ursa Major, Ursa Minor, Cassiopeia, Persueus, and other constellations. During her time, she had seen planets, meteor showers, and the Andromeda galaxy, and had counted hundreds of stars to send her to sleep. The beauty and vastness of the night sky was bewildering. It was a perfect antidote to the recent and stressful interview with Luke Adams.
There was more to come. Her chest tightened and her eyes gazed. Wanting to keep her mind free of the agony, she focused on a star in the blackened night sky and told herself to be strong. She breathed slowly, in and out, in and out, and reminded herself she had endured much worse.
A movement close by caught her eye causing Jade to jerk. A small terrier dog approached and then sniffed around her heels and in her bag, and a littl
e distance away was a teenage boy. He had straight lank hair, large thick-framed glasses, ill-fitting black trousers and padded shiny jacket. He looked a bit of a dork.
‘She’s harmless,’ he said, his gaze shifting between her and his dog.
Jade nodded. ‘She just took me by surprise.’
‘Her name’s Maisie. She’s my best friend.’
Jade leaned over and stroked her soft curly fur. The dog’s tail swished, causing a chill to grip her leg, and her muzzle pressed into her hand, searching, craving. ‘She’s a lovely little dog.’
‘My mum hates her . . . keeps threatening to get rid.’
‘Is she naughty?’
‘No. Mum’s just mean. Maisie would never do wrong. She’s outside in a kennel most of the time. She’s only allowed inside with me.’
Jade was pensive. From the distress in the boy’s expression, it was obvious he had problems, but these issues seemed a little personal to be divulging to a stranger. Still, if he needed an ear what harm could it do?
‘Some people just don’t like dogs,’ she said.
‘Do you?’
‘I’ve never had one.’
‘You would. They’ll love you for always, and never betray you. Not like people.’
‘Then maybe it’s just what I need.’
‘Is someone hurting you?’
Jade hid her face. She should have been more careful and regretted her statement.
He was staring, waiting, and there was a puzzling determination in his gaze.
‘Everyone has problems,’ she said, ‘I think what matters is how you deal with them.’
‘I don’t deal with Mum very well. Everything I say is wrong. I hate her . . . Dad too. He never stands up to her. She’s nasty to everyone.’
‘Those are harsh words.’
He held a strong-willed gaze.
‘Why do you hate them so much?’
‘She’s always calling me names and criticises everything I do, from the clothes I wear to the music I listen to.’
‘Hmm. I think you should be allowed to express yourself, even if it doesn’t fit in with what others want.’