by Dawson, H A
‘Mum?’ she said again, anxiety crinkling her voice.
Nothing.
She pounded the steps, two at a time. The bathroom door was open. She wasn’t inside. She ran to her bedroom. There she lay; her skin had a hint of yellow and she was barely conscious.
Chapter 18
Mid 1990’s
Kath’s unexpected appearance had saved Nancy from liver damage. It turned out she had taken a large quantity of paracetamol the previous day, but since she only suffered from nausea, it had not aroused Jade’s curiosity. However, by the time Kath found her, her liver was deteriorating, and alongside jaundiced skin, she suffered from confusion and loss of consciousness.
She had been lucky. Much of the paracetamol had been removed from her body, limiting the damage. However, Nancy did not view it that way, and made it clear to both Jade and Kath, as well as speaking in earshot of the nurses, that they should have let her die. It had little impact when the nurse said that unattended she may have suffered a slow painful death, and she refused to converse, laying motionless in the bed and with her eyes closed.
Eventually, Jade had to leave to return home in time for Brian and John returning from school, but since visiting time wasn’t yet over, Kath decided to stay.
‘You will go back home, won’t you?’ Nancy said.
‘I . . . I don’t know.’
‘Please, for me.’
Kath looked to her lap.
‘Where have you been staying?’
‘Nowhere.’
‘With friends?’
She nodded.
‘I thought you would. Your dad was angry, but he would have calmed down if you’d have apologised.’
‘Don’t lecture me,’ she said quietly.
Nancy stared, hesitating her response. ‘I do love you. Your Dad does too. We’ve been going out of our minds with worry.’
Swiftly, Kath looked away as tears rose and a bulge formed in her throat. It was what she had wanted to hear for such a long time, and had often imagined the moment, but now it was upon her, she struggled to know how to react and could not show her appreciation. Her hands were a worthy distraction.
‘There’s something I need to talk to you about,’ Nancy said.
She peered through her fringe. Her mother’s expression was worryingly serious.
‘I am going to die soon. It’s the right thing to do . . . for you, Jade and the boys, and your father. I want you to let me go.’
‘No!’
‘Kathryn . . . I’m a burden.’
‘No! No, you’re not. I’ll do more to help . . . do whatever it takes. Just don’t . . . not that.’
‘I’m never going to have a decent life. I’m crippled. I can’t do anything for myself. Please have a think of how demoralising this is for me? I can’t chew food because my jaw aches. I can’t laugh or cry because it jars my shoulders. I can’t do anything others take for granted and that’s not a life worth living.’
Kath looked away, biting her lip and stilling her tremors, and tried to obliterate her mother’s calm and controlled voice.
‘Would you want to live like this?’ Nancy asked.
Her face scrunched and her tongue froze.
‘There’s something for me at the other side. I can feel it calling out. I won’t be in pain anymore . . . I’ll be happy, and that’s important.’
‘Don’t you love us – is that it?’
‘I love you more than you can imagine, and I always will. But this is not the end. I will always watch over you, whether you’re in difficulty or having the time of your life. You’re special Kathryn.’
Kath’s face scrunched; she freed a lingering tear.
‘Imagine yourself in my shoes. You can’t hold the remote control because you have no grip. You can’t climb into the car because your knees don’t bend far enough. You can’t select coins from your purse because of the stiffness in your fingers. I suffer continuously, every hour in every day, and it’s no way to be.’
Kath frowned. It did seem as though it was a never-ending plight, and it was draining to watch. But suicide? There had to be another answer.
‘I need you above Jade and the boys to understand why I’m doing this. Can you at least try?’
‘I . . . I don’t know.’
‘Heaven is a wonderful place. I can feel it. For the first time in years, I won’t feel any pain. I’ll laugh until I ache. I’ll run until my lungs burn. I’ll ride the clouds, travel the world.’
Their eyes locked. Nancy’s need for sympathy was oppressive and it forced Kath to look away.
‘Please support me. I want to be freed of this body, this agony. I know you don’t like to see my suffering,’ She paused, waited for a response. ‘I can see the pain in your eyes when you watch me. It’s always with you and it’s messing you up. I won’t have that.’
Kath wanted to deny it but deep down she knew her mother spoke the truth. Nancy did struggle daily and had even resorted to climbing the stairs on her backside such was the pain in her feet. It was no life. Kath stared, assessing, and witnessed the desperation in her mother’s eyes. Feeling obligated, she nodded her approval. It was the most she could offer.
‘Oh thank you. Thank you so much.’
The delight surrounding her mother was the most Kath had witnessed for such a long time and it made her realise the true importance of her quest. Her mother was not acting in an irrational manner and she was not depressed. She was logical in her words, and spoke with calmness and coherence. It was what she wanted, and with or without Kath’s help, it was going to happen.
Nancy stretched out her arm to touch hands, the agony of her locked shoulder joint limiting its excursion and slowing her movement. ‘I knew I could rely on you.’
Kath forced a smile.
‘Thanks for being on my side.’
Chapter 19
Current Day
The bed shifted. Keeping her gaze fixed on the floor, Jade listened to William’s movements and his familiar routine. He stretched and groaned, he rose to his feet, and he stepped into the bathroom. Having taking a long wee, about thirty seconds, he flushed the toilet and started the shower. Soon he would depart and then she could relax.
Taking an opportunity to shift positions, Jade released a little discomfort in her back. Her body was taut, she had hardly slept due to her regrets. All night, she had tossed and turned, reliving both the ecstasy of their lovemaking and the resulting agony of her guilt, and wondered how she would ever be able to look William in the eye. She should never have gone to meet Joe. It was wrong, a weakness. She had William in her life and he loved her. Joe was nothing more than a passing fancy.
Despite the strength of her thoughts, a little part of her refused to listen. Joe had displayed compassion and understanding. It had been in his eyes; she had been his entire focus. Nothing else had mattered. He had not grown bored or irritated when they conversed, he had not told her she was making too much of the stalker situation, and he had never withheld his opinion. He was interested in her, the good and the bad.
William need not know what she had done.
With her confidence rising, Jade turned onto her back and glanced across to the bathroom. The shower stopped and William became visible in the doorway, drying his sodden body.
He caught her eye. ‘Slept well?’
‘Yes.’
‘Sorry I was back late last night. Did you get my message?’
‘I did.’
‘Oh good, I thought you would have done, but you didn’t respond.’ He left the towel in the bathroom and strode in the room. ‘I’m going to be away a couple of days - I have a bit of business to do in Plymouth. Will you be okay?’
‘Of course. When are you going?’
‘I’ll travel down this evening. I have a couple of things to do here first.’
He stepped to the drawers, selected underwear and flung them onto the bed. He had a taut physique except for a slightly podgy belly, and broad shoulders and thick arms. Joe w
as similar in shape.
Heat leapt to her cheeks. She turned onto her side and buried her face under the covers, and remembered his feather-like touch. His fingers had danced across her stomach, his tongue had explored her skin, settling on her nipples, and his lips had-.
‘I’m sorry about being a bit sharp with you after that shed incident,’ William said.
She jerked, looking towards him.
‘I was anxious about missing the meeting. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.’
‘It’s okay, and you were right. I was making too much of everything - regarding Kath too. What happened with my mum is history. It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. I did what I thought was best, and I did it for Mum.’
‘I’m glad you think that way,’ he said, smiling as he fastened the buttons on his shirt. ‘So does that mean you’ll make up with Kath?’
‘I might.’
‘Great. Good decision. I must say you do look happier today. More content.’
Jade leapt out of bed, shielding her face from his view.
‘I feel better about leaving now I know you’re okay. It has been a concern.’
Fearing he could detect her indiscretion, she hurried by, keeping her head low, yet still she sensed the force of his stare projecting towards her. He had a puzzled look on his face. It was troubling.
‘Nature calls,’ she said, and closed the door.
She rested her hands on the wood and relief swept through her body, loosening her muscles and releasing a breath of air. She had to act normal else it would arouse his suspicions, and glanced into the mirror to reassure herself. There was no sign of her indiscretion, and it was incredible; she had expected to see it written in her eyes. Pleasantly surprised, she undressed for a shower.
The water was warm and invigorating. She washed her hair with an apricot smelling shampoo and allowed the soapsuds to linger. The smell was adorable, and the texture soft and soothing. Back when she was twenty, she had often shared a shower with Joe. It was not something she particularly enjoyed, but he had. He enjoyed the sensation of their wet, naked bodies touching; he had found it arousing.
Wanting to remind him of that moment, she rinsed away the shampoo, switched of the shower and stepped onto the mat. Having towelled herself dry, she wrapped it around her body and entered the bedroom. William had gone downstairs. Grateful for the privacy, she reached for her phone and tapped in a naughty message, incorporating the fact she was in the shower. His response was instant, the description of his excitement impressive.
‘Do you feel guilty?’ she asked.
‘Not one bit. I made sure Dawn didn’t suspect. I gave her what she wanted.’
Jade held the phone in her hands and stared at the message. What did he mean? Had he had sex with her too? Her irritation stunted her actions. She pulled fresh underwear from the cupboard, yanked a tight-fitting outfit from the rail, and dressed with impatience.
Joe was wrong jumping from one bed to another, and evidently, their joining had meant nothing. She shouldn’t have allowed his kisses to linger and his hands to wander; she should have shown her strength, proven she had changed. She may have been easy once upon a time, but she wasn’t like that now. She had a partner and a daughter; she had another life.
Frustrated, she perched on the bed and stared at her phone, wondering if she should say it had all been a mistake. But it was harder tapping in the words than she had imagined, and she stumbled on the very first line. Joe had given her something she had not received from William for years; he had improved her self-belief.
She slipped the phone back into her bag and placed it onto the floor, and willed her negative thoughts to desist. She had wanted Joe. He had not forced himself upon her, nor had he coerced her. She had entered their bonding without reservation, and she had known he was married.
It’s not as if it had ever been just the two of them. Dawn had always been close by, lingering on the perimeter, and it had never been such a concern. Jade didn’t recall herself exploding with jealousy back then, or had she been too drunk to care?
Her stomach tightened. It was a pointless waste of energy. Joe and Dawn were married. She was the outsider. It was the way it would remain unless she did something about it.
A memory flashed into her mind. Suddenly, she was back in the 1990’s observing a conversation between Kath and her mother. They were in a huddle in the corner of the room, and it was evident they shared a secret. Jade’s body had bulged with her disapproval. She was the one her mother should be sharing her secrets with; she was her carer. She stomped towards them, demanded an explanation, and glared at their bewildered faces.
The flashback ended. It was a curious scene.
Why had she been so angry? Jade searched her memory banks, reminding herself that Kath had often had private moments with their mother, as she should, but somehow that particular conversation had been different. It felt wrong, inappropriate. Had they been talking about her mother’s planned suicide? Jade had no answer.
Her returned memory unsettled. Jade tried to proceed with her daily routine, preparing pies for the freezer, but her concentration was lacking and she gazed into space whilst holding a ball of pastry above the floured surface. When she realised she was baking a cake in the oven, having forgot to add sugar, she decided it was time to quit. Frustrated, she turned off the heat, leaving the floured surface to clean up later, and headed into the living room with a coffee.
She dropped her head onto the back of the sofa and shut her eyes, craving tranquillity. An image of her mother appeared inside her head, her soft features illuminated in the sunlight. If only she hadn’t have had rheumatoid arthritis, then she would never have ended it all. Her father would never have started the fire and her brothers would have survived. Her world would have been so utterly different. Even the stalker wouldn’t be bothering with her.
She looked through the window, searching the street to see if he was watching, and saw, out of her eye corner, a moving shadow. Bolting upright, she looked again to the shrub to her right. There was nothing there, not even a bird. Not convinced, she hurried towards the window hating her disadvantage, but as she approached, she realised her vulnerability. If he were there, he would see everything, even her fear, and she would get nothing in return. He was far too clever to be caught.
Forcing herself to act nonchalant, she changed track and grabbed a magazine from a rack, and then scurried to the armchair, out of view. Her vision concentrated on the window, and her ears pricked open.
A banging sound caused her to jolt. Wide-eyed she looked to the ceiling and the door to the hallway, and strained her ears. The traffic was a noisy distraction. Frozen to the seat, her skin shivered with cold and her blood pummelled her arteries and veins. She reached to the back of the chair for her sweater, forced effort into her trembling legs, and tiptoed to the doorway.
It happened again, and it was coming from upstairs. She stared at the landing. She could not move, could not decide what to do, and a moan escape from her lips. She wanted William, someone, and felt very alone. Believing he should at least be aware of her situation, even if he could do nothing immediate to help, she hurried to the phone in the lounge and started to dial, all the whilst, keeping the doorway in her vision.
Suddenly, she remembered their earlier conversation and her claim that she had control of the situation. Unwilling, once again, to appear feeble and be subject to his curt reply, she replaced the handset and stomped up the stairs with a newfound determination. The last thing she wanted to do was to spook the intruder.
She swung open the bathroom door. Nothing. She kicked the first bedroom door and saw a fleeting movement. She screamed and jumped backwards. Racing across the room, heading to an open window, was her neighbour’s cat. It escaped with swiftness, jumping onto a low roof and leaping onto a tree.
Chuckling, she closed and locked the window, exited the room and shut the door. Heading to her coffee in the lounge, the mess in the kitchen caught her eye. She sw
igged back her drink and willed herself to continue with her chores.
Just inside the kitchen, she jolted to a standstill. Written in the floured surface was Kelsey’s name.
‘Please,’ Jade said, ‘I have to speak to her.’
‘She’s in a class at the moment,’ Marisa said, ‘is it urgent?’
‘Yes. It’s urgent. I wouldn’t be asking otherwise.’
There was a pause and rustling of papers. ‘We often find it better that students or not disrupted. Can it wait fifteen minutes? Her morning lessons finish at twelve.’
‘Is she in the class? Can you see her?’
Another pause. Jade banged her fist on the arm of the sofa.
‘Yes, she is there, wearing a light blue tennis dress. Is everything all right?’
‘No it’s not.’ Jade held her breath, counting to five. ‘Can I speak to Anita?’
‘Yes, hang on a minute.’
Jade paced the room, listening into the earpiece for voices or sounds of movement, and awaiting the pastoral officers arrival. She should have spoken to her as soon as she realised she had a stalker. What if it was too late? What if he already had done something to Kelsey? Frustrated for allowing William to force her inaction, she ran her fingers through her hair.
A click sounded. ‘Ms Horton,’ Anita said, ‘what can I do for you?’
‘Is Kelsey all right? Can you see her?’
‘Yes.’ She spoke slowly and deliberately. ‘I’ve just been watching the class. She’s doing well . . . a fast learner. She’s one of the most talented of the girls.’
‘That’s not what I meant.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘How is she in herself? Is she upset or worried? Is she acting normal? Is she happy?’
‘She is very content. Haven’t you spoken to her recently?’
‘Of course I have. We speak everyday.’
‘Then you’ll know she is happy and doing well.’
‘I do, but . . .’ she puffed out, wondering where to start. ‘I’m worried about her. She’s always so self-assured . . . and good at hiding things.’