“Me? I’m fine.”
The stall door banging closed behind him, Zach snorted. “Please. You haven’t been fine since Deanna returned. And the closer she gets to leaving, the less fine you are.”
Josh’s fists clenched. Too bad he’d dropped off Austin, aka Mr. Big Ears, at his folks earlier. Because nothing put the brakes on a dicey conversation like a four-year-old.
“Then I’ll be fine once she leaves and things get back to normal.”
That got a smirk. “I seem to recall telling myself something similar when I thought Mallory was going back to LA. Until I realized I was being an idiot of the first order, thinking there was nothing I could do to stop her.”
Josh met his brother’s gaze dead-on. “Only in my case, there isn’t.”
“You sure about that?”
“Her life’s not here,” Josh muttered as they walked out to Zach’s truck, the dumb dog dancing around their legs. “I told you about that job offer, right?”
“You did.” Seemingly in no hurry to catch up, Zach said behind him, “So you’re good with Mallory’s proposal?”
“Sure.”
“Not hearing a whole lot of conviction there, buddy.”
“It is what it is, okay? Although I’ll tell you one thing—I’d give up the Vista like that—” he snapped his fingers “—if it meant...”
Damn. He couldn’t even finish the sentence. Pathetic.
“She really hates it here that much?” Zach said. Almost kindly.
“Can you blame her?”
Under his cowboy hat’s brim, Zach’s face folded into a frown. “I know the place has some sketchy memories for her. But I’m guessing it’s got some good ones, too. Memories she’s afraid of owning. Because if she does that...” He shrugged.
For a good two, three seconds, Josh actually considered not taking the bait. However, since it wasn’t like he could feel any worse... “And what memories might those be?”
“And you can’t be that dense. It’s not the Vista that scares her, numskull. It’s you. The ranch is only an excuse.”
Josh gawked at his brother for several seconds before pushing out a dry laugh. “And how on earth did you come to this conclusion?”
“I didn’t. But Mallory did. And Val. And I’d trust those two’s intuition with my life. They’re also of a mind that Deanna’s not all that crazy about going back east, whether she’ll admit that out loud or not. Only you haven’t exactly given her a reason to stay, have you?”
Ramming his hands in his pockets, Josh stared out toward the house. “It’s...complicated.”
“So let’s break it down into small bites. Does she even know you love her?”
“Dammit, Zach—” The dog danced out of the way when Josh spun around. “Loving a woman isn’t enough to make her stay if she doesn’t want to! And no way am I going there again.”
A beat or two passed before Zach said, “So much for you telling everybody it was ‘just a thing’ between you and Jordan.”
Josh grimaced. “I was feeling stupid enough as it was. Decided I’d rather have people mad at me than pity me.”
“As in, Mom and Dad?”
“As in, anybody.”
“Deanna’s not Jordan, buddy.”
“No kidding. Which is why I’m not even remotely interested in making the same mistake with her. Because nothing shuts down a woman faster than telling her you love her when that’s not what she wants to hear. And she’s been through enough without me putting any more pressure on her.”
His brother held Josh’s gaze in his for far too long. “So you’re just going to let her go.”
And no jury in the land would convict him if he killed his brother right then. “Okay. Even if the whole here-or-there thing weren’t an issue, even if I told her how I feel, she’s made it more than clear she’s got to figure stuff out on her own, that her problem is...how’d she put that? Looking for somebody to complete her.”
“Because she’s been hurt, idiot. By her dad, by Katie’s father...” Zach shook his head. “For God’s sake, Josh—the woman is probably petrified of being abandoned again. That whole I gotta figure this out for myself shtick? Oldest defense mechanism in the world.”
“Oh, and like telling her that is the way to win her over? Dude. Not that stupid.”
“And if you don’t tell her something...” Zach squatted to pet Thor, then looked back up at Josh. “The animals I see who’ve been abused, the ones who’re the most skittish—they’re ones who need the most love. And the most patience. People are no different. Yeah, it’s a risk, I get that. You might fail. She might leave anyway. You might even piss her off so much she’ll never want to speak to you again. And hell, maybe she really does feel she belongs in DC, what do I know? But I do know if you don’t put your ass on the line, you’ll definitely lose her. Also, since I’m on a roll, here,” he said, standing again, “being there for a woman isn’t the same as trying to complete her. Not even close.”
“Except if she doesn’t see it that way—”
“Then make sure she does,” Zach said, clapping Josh on his shoulder before climbing back into his truck. But before he slammed shut the door, he said, “You really want to show her you’re willing to let her make her own choices? Then make sure she’s got all the information she needs to make ’em. Just be prepared—”
“To let her go. Got it.”
Zach’s eyes softened behind his glasses a moment before the old truck roared to life. “Showing a woman you love her enough to risk rejection? No better gift in the world.”
Fists jammed in his coat pockets and his forehead crunched, Josh watched his brother drive away, his pickup bumping over ruts in the dirt road leading out to the main drag. Part of him—a pretty big part, actually—thought Zach was talking out of his butt, that what was all well and good in theory had nothing to do with the reality that was him and Dee. That, however, would be the part that didn’t much cotton to accepting anything Zach—or anyone else, for that matter—had to say. Because Josh was pigheaded like that. As his parents regularly pointed out.
The other part, however—the part that’d reluctantly cozied up to adulthood along about the time Austin appeared—knew Zach was right, that there was no reward without risk. That nothing worthwhile came easy.
Or without being completely honest. With himself as well as with Dee.
He whistled for the dog and headed back to the house, ignoring the cold sweat trickling down his back.
* * *
After putting a sacked-out Katie in her crib, Deanna had gone out to the great room, where she plugged in the Christmas tree lights and lowered herself to the Navajo rug to sit cross-legged on the floor, stroking Smoky’s silky fur as she stared up at the lit tree. Like she used to when she was little, letting herself become one with the pretty colors, the heady scent of fresh fir, the soothing, mesmerizing strains of familiar Christmas carols. There’d usually been a cat then, too, she thought, smiling at this one as he stretched a paw across her knee, his purr rumbling through her. Straw-colored, late afternoon light tumbled through the tall windows to tangle with the sparkling tree, and Deanna remembered how her mother would sit with her on the floor and look up at the lights, too...how the good days had been very good, how much Katherine Blake had loved the holidays, loved her...
How much Deanna had loved this house, the ranch, once upon a time. Just as Gus had said.
And the tears came. Copious and hard, the kind that made her chest hurt and her breath come in fitful, choking gasps. So hard, in fact, she didn’t hear Josh come up behind her, let alone even react when he lowered himself to the floor, dislodging the cat before pulling her into his lap. Cradling her head to his smoke-scented chest, he pressed his lips to her hair, again and again, and Deanna’s sobs only intensified, as she keened for everything she’d
lost, everything that had been ripped from her...
Everything she’d been so afraid to grasp for fear of losing again.
And all she wanted, in that moment, was to stop pretending.
To not be afraid anymore.
And so, she thought as she clutched the front of Josh’s shirt and brought their mouths together, she wouldn’t be.
* * *
After his brain stopped sizzling from that What the hell? kiss—not to mention finding the poor woman in a pool of tears—Josh cupped Dee’s face in his hands and held her back just far enough to see into her eyes. Waterlogged and slightly crossed though they may have been.
“I don’t understand.”
“Me, either,” she said, swooping in for round two. “Just go with it—”
Josh grabbed her hands. Definitely not how he’d imagined this playing out. Nor was he about to let himself be derailed. “And what, exactly, is this it I’m supposed to be going with?”
One thing about fair-skinned women, when they blushed, they blushed big.
He almost laughed. Granted, there would’ve been a time, not all that long ago, when his younger self wouldn’t’ve questioned the turn of events, but would’ve gone with it, as she’d suggested. Eagerly. Not to mention gratefully. However...
“Not happening, honey,” he said gently.
Dee froze, then clumsily shoved off his lap and to her feet, raking a hand through her straggly hair as she walked over to the nearest window, her arms tightly crossed. Cautiously, the cat writhed around her ankles, giving Josh the stink eye—because clearly this was all his fault—before warbling a series of hugely concerned mrreows.
You okay, Human? You’ll still feed me, right? Another glance in Josh’s direction. What the hell did you do to her? Fix it!
“Sorry. I...” Dee blew out a breath. “Sorry.”
Braving the cat’s glare, Josh came up behind Dee to turn her toward him, kiss her forehead. “Come here,” he said, steering her toward the nearest sofa, where she collapsed beside him, still strangling her rib cage. Until the cat jumped on her lap again, clearly daring Josh to pull a fast one. Not to mention Thor, who crept into the room, took one look at the cat and tiptoed out again.
Dee scrubbed at her cheek, folded her arms again. “And now that I’ve made a total fool of myself—”
“That wasn’t a rejection, honey.”
“Really.”
“Okay, I wasn’t rejecting you. What I was rejecting was the temptation to go down a path I never want to again. Because the last time a woman said something similar to me I ended up a daddy. Not that I’m not crazy about my son, but the next time I become a parent—if there is a next time—I’d like to have an actual say in the matter. And since I don’t have any protection and I’m guessing you don’t, either...” She grunted. “It’s called being practical, honey.”
Although she didn’t seem inclined to move out of his arms. So there was that. Whatever that was. “And speaking of practical...” Josh reached out to pet the cat, who shot him a You gotta be kidding me? look that made him think better of it. “You only gave birth a month ago—”
A pause preceded, “I figured we could be careful?”
Now he did laugh. “Trust me—after all this time of wondering what it’d be like to get naked with you, careful is the last thing I’d want to be. Except for the part about making more babies, I mean. So you want to tell me what this is really about? Because I’m also not partial to being used to salve whatever wounds you’re looking to salve.”
Dee sat up so fast the cat shot off her lap and stalked off, only to stop a few feet away to lick his mussed fur.
“I would never do that! Especially...” Blushing again, Dee looked away. “Especially not to you.”
“Even though you’re going back east in a few days? I presume, never to return?”
She faced him again, her mouth twitching. “Wow. You sound kind of...pissed.”
And with that, he was. Monumentally pissed. Pissed like no man in love had probably even been in the history of the world.
“Damn straight, I’m pissed. And you know what?” Josh surged to his feet, sending the poor cat streaking from the room. “What I said before, about being careful? I’m done with that. Done with tiptoeing around letting you know how I feel, because I...hell, I don’t even know why anymore. Because it’s like Zach said, how can you make a choice if you don’t have all the options—”
“You were talking about this with your brother?”
Josh smacked away the interruption. “He brought it up, it’s what this family does, in case you haven’t noticed. But he’s right. What’s the worst that can happen if I admit I want you to stay? That, hell, I want to marry you, and be Katie’s daddy, and for you to be Austin’s mom? You’d tell me to go screw myself, and you’d leave anyway. Which you have every right to do, don’t get me wrong. But at least...”
Josh pointed at her, only to realize his hand was shaking. Right along with the rest of him. “But at least you’d know.” He gulped down the next wave of shakes. “At least I would’ve been up front with you, instead of pretending...of pretending everything’s okay when it isn’t. Pretending I’m okay with the idea of losing you when I’m anything but.” He lowered his hand, his heart beating so hard his chest ached. “At least you’d know I loved you enough to let you go. But if...if...”
Swallowing again, he let his gaze melt into hers. “I don’t know if what I have to offer is even remotely enough for you. I’m never gonna be anything but a country boy, never gonna like the opera or the ballet or any of that fancy stuff you do. But whatever I am...” He shoved out a breath. “At least you’d have all of me. Everything. Until my dying breath, swear to God. Because the one thing I’m good at is keeping promises. And if you truly hate the Vista, if you really can’t shake yourself loose from whatever’s haunting you about it, we can still sell it. Because no property, not even this one, is worth losing you over. I can promise you that, too.”
From down the hall came Katie’s fierce little cry. It seemed to take Dee a moment to hear her before she broke their gaze and got up to go to her child, not seeming to care that Josh followed her. He stopped at the doorway to the baby’s room, listening to Dee coo to the softly babbling baby as she changed her diaper and apparently soggy sleeper. When she was done, she lifted her infant daughter to her chest and faced Josh again, a tiny crease wedged between her eyebrows, and Josh released a sorry-assed laugh.
“What am I saying? Your dream job...jeebus. I can’t ask you to sacrifice that for, what? A life out here in the sticks—”
“No. You can’t. And I won’t let you.”
By now his throat was so tight he felt like he was trying to swallow a baseball. Especially when she walked past him with the baby and back down the hall, where she curled up in the corner of the sofa to feed her kid. Without even thinking, he went to the kitchen to get her a glass of water.
“Thanks,” she said quietly when he handed it to her. She drank half of it before setting the glass on the end table, then smiled for her daughter, noisily sucking away. Josh sat on a nearby chair, tightly gripping the arms. After a moment, Dee looked up, letting her gaze sweep over the room.
“When your life is based on lies and half-truths,” she said quietly, “it tends to... I don’t know. Contaminate what is true? What...” Her gaze touched his, a small smile on her lips. “What was good and pure and lovely. But then, if you’re very lucky...” She smoothed her fingers across Katie’s chick-fluff hair. “Something, or someone—or several someones—opens your eyes, and you see through all the muck to what was real all along. That the sweet memories always win out over the bad ones. If you give them that chance. And sometimes, if you’re very, very lucky...”
Watery eyes lifted to his. “A very special someone comes along—or back along—who helps y
ou trust again. Who makes you believe. Not in fairy tales. But in truth.” She smiled. “In yourself. Even if you’re not sure you can do that. Because it’s scary.”
Josh did some fast blinking himself. “It is for everybody, honey.”
A moment passed before she nodded, then sighed. “I don’t hate the house, Josh. Or the ranch. Or Whispering Pines. I never did, really. Any more than my mother did, I realize. What I hated was being lied to in the name of ‘protecting’ me. Of people making decisions for me instead of asking me what I might’ve wanted. Needed. Because leaving me out of the loop left me vulnerable and naive.” She snorted a soft laugh. “Unprotected, actually. Which I doubt was my father’s intention. Although it was probably my aunt’s,” she said, her mouth yanked flat.
“Your aunt—”
“Later,” she said, then sighed. “But it was the lies, the secrets, that were so stifling, even if I didn’t understand that until a little bit ago. Not the place. What I’d like to do now, though...” Another sweep of the room preceded, “is reclaim what was taken from me. Including...” She smiled at Josh. “You.”
Josh hesitated, his heart thundering in his chest, before moving from the chair to squat in front of her, taking Katie’s tiny hand in his. “Even if that means your father wins?”
Dee’s laugh floated up to the beamed ceiling. “I suppose I’ll have to cede this one to him,” she said, and Josh pushed himself up to palm her cheek and kiss her, her mouth soft and yielding under his. Then he leaned back, and what he saw in her eyes made hope burn in his chest, glittering and bright.
“But that job...?”
Her mouth screwed to one side, she looked back at the baby. “It would be perfect. For someone else.”
“You sure?”
“I need...” Her eyes shut for a moment as she hauled in a breath. “To push myself past what’s safe. Because playing it safe hasn’t exactly been a winning game plan.”
“And why do I get the feeling there’s more behind those words than you’re saying?”
Laughing, she cupped the baby’s head and said, very softly, “You know that old gift shop on Main Street that’s for sale? It would be perfect for a gallery. Not that I have any clue how I’d go about financing it, but...simply the thought of it, that it’d be mine...”
The Rancher's Expectant Christmas Page 19