by Smith, S. E.
Commander. Not even his name. Whatever moment of closeness they had shared was already slipping through his fingers. And he’d been so stupidly wrong. Putting distance between them was supposed to make this hurt less.
Instead, as she took JJ and headed back toward her house, it felt like he'd lost his wolf all over again.
9
Something was wrong with the wolves. Again. Since the final battle against Triptych’s raiders, the entire pack had been on edge. Yard time was mostly sniffing and pacing, rather than the rambunctious play she expected of them, and no one seemed to be eating properly.
Including me. Nafisi sniffed at the cup of cold porridge that the bio-fabber had spat out for breakfast. She set the cup on a nearby shelf. Skadi showed just as many issues as the rest of the pack, which made sense, but that threatened the health of her litter, and Nafisi refused to allow that. She kept herself low to the ground as she crawled into the whelping kennel, careful to look small and nonthreatening.
As always, she brought JJ along as well. While he didn’t play well with his littermates, Skadi seemed to appreciate seeing her smallest pup. Nafisi set him on the ground, and the mother wolf sniffed and nosed at the cast that covered his foreleg. She shot Nafisi a questioning glance.
“I know, Mama,” Nafisi replied. “But I promise, he’s going to heal up just fine. Blame that gaggle of assholes who decided to invade the place.” She couldn’t decide if she included Rafe Penzak in that collective or not.
Using her fingers, she quickly examined the female wolf. Nothing felt out of sorts, at least physically. And her weight still seemed good as Nafisi felt the wolf’s rib cage and hips. So even with the large litter, she hadn’t hurt herself too much in the process of feeding her family. In the wild, umbra wolf litters were two pups at a time. On rare occasions, three. Four, like litter double-J, was almost unheard of, and JJ had paid the price—forced away from life-giving milk by littermates that were bigger and stronger. In the wild, he would have perished, but as she reminded Gener when he’d been alive, they weren’t in the wild, and everyone deserved a fighting chance.
She stroked her fingers through Skadi's soft, thick coat and ruffled one hand into the wolf’s armpit as she rolled onto her back to accept the scratches. "You’re doing a great job here, Mama. Everything’s looking good."
After a bit more attention to their mother, Nafisi scooped one of the pups into her hands and did a cursory visual health check. They weren't due for a more intrusive examination for another week yet, but the opportunity to hold them and follow up on them was impossible to ignore. Weight was still good. Eyes, ears, and mouth looked clear. No indications of parasites or that something might be wrong with their health. She gave Skadi another quick ruffle. "Your babies look good too, Mama. Nicely done. The rangers are going to love these guys."
All of which meant that, whatever seemed to be wrong with the pack—and something clearly was, the way they’d been acting—the cause wasn’t immediately visible. Pretty much like her life. She shook her head as she crawled back out of the kennel. After sniffing at her porridge, she dropped it in the bin where she put animal waste from the yard.
She did not miss Commander Penzak. She missed having a hot breakfast in the morning, but that was certainly not the same thing.
In the week since he left, she’d managed to get most of the ranch back into some semblance of working order. It wasn't perfect, but it was the best she could manage until her next supply shipment came. There were still a few things she needed to add to the list before they sent it up from Heph Prime.
Okay, she missed seeing him cuddle JJ, as well. The two of them—the big, gruff soldier and the tiny wolf pup—had been so idiosyncratic together that it was adorable. And JJ missed him, clearly. She refused to let the pup sleep in her bed, and he whined pitifully going into his pen at night. No doubt he wanted that big, warm chest to curl up on. Nafisi couldn't say she blamed him—there were moments she wouldn’t have minded it either.
No. She absolutely would not think about that. He’d made his decision.
Nafisi sat on the floor in the main room of the kennel house and let JJ wrestle with her hand the way his littermates wrestled with each other. The pup was a bit bitey, but the simple pleasure of giving him some natural playtime where he might not get hurt was well worth the occasional pinprick of tiny, developing teeth. After a few minutes, JJ flopped back onto his haunches and then over onto his side. He watched her with a dark-eyed appeal that even the least empathic person could read, so she reached out and scratched his rib cage.
This was stupid. Penzak had made his choice, and she'd deal with it. There wasn’t anything for her to miss. He’d barely been on the farm a week and had already been gone almost longer than he'd been present. She lifted JJ off the floor and tucked him into the crook of her arm.
Maybe his absence or presence wasn’t the issue. She got up and walked to the kennel house door. Maybe it was time to do something else. The wolves had always been Gener's dream, not hers—a way for him to continue his forces service after the injury that took him out of the field. Somewhere along the way she'd fallen in love with the animals herself. How could she not, with their majesty and their unique biology? But maybe she was just holding on to the ranch out of his memory and not because it was something she wanted to do.
She’d more than proved she could run the place on her own. Maybe passing the torch to someone younger wasn’t a terrible idea. Plus, the less she interacted with the Rangers, the less likely she was to cross Rafe's path again. Yes, avoidance could be a childish behavior. But it was also the best way to respond to things that were likely to hurt you every time you encountered them. After all, no one thought it was dumb to avoid hard vacuum without a suit.
God, but she would miss the wolves though. The pain that twisted in her chest at the thought of leaving them cut through her with a visceral clarity. But missing them didn't mean she was wrong.
Besides, whoever the forces assigned to mind the ranch would need veterinary services. Maybe she could swing by from time to time and check on the pack.
She took a deep breath and nuzzled her face against JJ’s fur. Something had to change. Whatever else there was, she couldn't keep on like this. She went back to the house, trying to figure out how she would explain her choices to the TriSystem Joint Command.
***
Rafe rubbed the bridge of his nose and crushed his eyelids against the strain before stabbing his fingers into his hair and trying to refocus. The downside to his trip up the chain of command—every stop created ever more paperwork that needed to be completed, and frankly, paperwork sucked. He looked down at the After-Action Report that had been filed to make sure it matched with his experiences. The sterile description of the firefight that he and Alpha had been involved in on Hephaestus Secundus may have skimped on the description, but it still ripped open too many memories—the way Nafisi filled his arms. The fluffy warm curl of JJ asleep on his chest. And most of all, the cutting pain of her curt dismissal.
Yeah, he hadn’t made his intentions clear, but he still hoped she would have read them—she was around wolves all the time. Surely some of that empathy had rubbed off on her.
“Except that’s not how it works, and you know it,” he muttered. The AAR blurred again. Frustrated, he snapped shut the files and slid them to the corner of his desktop with a flick of his fingers. A few more taps in the lower left corner of the table-sized display and a new file opened showing the list of supplies that would be needed to either relocate or repair the ranch for Nafisi. Moving was probably the better choice. Even with the team rounding up the rest of the cell that had attacked, there was no guarantee that they hadn’t sold the location to someone else before they’d arrived. If that happened, then it would never be safe.
She would never be safe.
She already hated him, but the idea that she’d predicted he would rip her from her home somehow made it hurt worse. If he could keep her on Secundus, he’d have
to do that. Starting at the top of his list, he began checking supplies against the availability list for requisition.
The door to the office opened, and Lieutenant Commander Livv walked in. Her voice was crisp as she snapped, "Lights to full," and the ship's systems responded just as quickly. Polarized light flared in the room, highlighting both his second-in-command and the black, shaggy shape of her wolf, Devana. Rafe hissed at the change and shaded his eyes with one hand, while she jumped to apologize. "Sorry, sir. The room was dark, so I assumed there was no one in here."
"It wasn't dark," he argued. "I had the lights on dim. It's easier to read the monitor." He waved his hand to encompass the entire surface of his desk. Certainly it had nothing to do with how he wanted to remember the perpetual dark on Secundus, or how that cold moon had been so much warmer in his memory.
Livv nodded. "As you say, sir." The smirk on her face indicated she didn’t particularly agree with his explanation.
She ran a tight ship, in part because she understood exactly how to read people. Whatever gift her wolfbond had granted, she had a sense of insight that some wolves would be jealous of. It made her a good commander, and she had done a great job during his absence to keep the ship running and the rangers in fighting form.
If he was honest as well as fatalistic, she was at least as good as he was. Quite possibly better, given how carefully she had arranged things so he could step right back in to his command.
The only flaw he could find, at the moment, was that she wouldn’t leave him alone to sulk and do his paperwork. He sighed and pinched the file with his fingers, so it closed and dropped into a folder. "Okay, Livv, out with it."
"I'm just waiting for you, sir. Technically we all are since the Cry needs to catch back up with the rest of the constellation.” She crossed to face the alcove in the wall where Actaeon's collar encircled the urn full of ashes he’d been given. Her proximity to the heart of his pain made his pulse race, but he kept the worry off his face. After a deep breath, she said, "Permission to speak freely, sir?"
He glanced at the door, even though he knew it had automatically slid shut behind her when she came in. "Always. You know I trust you."
"Trust is different than willingness to hear. No offense, but you haven't been yourself for the last week.” She waited for him to argue, but when he didn’t, she continued. “Look, I've known you since before you lost Actaeon. His death was the only other time I've seen you this upset. I’m on the outside looking in here, and this is my opinion, but you left something on Secundus that was almost as important to you as he was." She inclined her head toward the collar and urn. "If you're smart, you'll find a way to get it back.”
"Duly noted, Lieutenant Commander." He turned his attention to the desktop and began moving files around to look busy. Without looking up he added, "Anything else?"
Livv walked toward the door. "Only that I hope you listen to me as a friend, rather than your XO." She stepped out into the hall and let the door close behind her.
It wasn't as easy as she put it. He had burned that bridge pretty much to ash, then packed said ash into a canister and
fired it into the sun. It would be an effort to come back from that before doomsday, let alone his retirement.
But if he could do it…
He thought again about what waited for him when retirement came. No paperwork, but no meaning either. Just finding something to fill the time until he could pass on. Existing, but certainly not living.
Nearly impossible still meant it could be done, and his rangers were the masters of accomplishing the hardest tasks in three systems. What kind of a leader would he be if he wasn’t willing to step up to a challenge?
Besides, the worst she could do was say no. He was already miserable—Livv had that much right—so it wasn’t as though he could go lower.
He tapped the circle on his deck to open a communications link to the Quartermaster Corps. A voice he didn't recognize picked up immediately. "QC."
"Yeah, this is Commander Rafe Penzak." He cleared his throat and reopened the list of supplies for the ranch. "I have a full requisition order here, but need to ask for a couple of favors to go with it."
10
Nafisi woke when the amber lights flashed in her bedroom, indicating another ship had violated the airspace over Secundus. On the pillow beside her, JJ hadn’t moved, the indentation in the down and the cast fading into the hazy blur of his body the only indications of his presence. Well, that and the amused reprimand she could still hear in her head from Gener, despite how long he’d been gone. But what else was she going to do? JJ wasn’t managing in the pen; the wolf pup needed company to sleep. And frankly, having the pup nearby was a reminder of Rafe, even if he hadn’t spent time in her bed.
The amber lights were more insistent, so she tapped in the command code to close the storm shutters on the house and douse the external lights. The rangers hadn’t said as much, but she was fully aware that if one Triptych cell could find her, then another could as well. After tucking JJ into the pen for safety, she slipped on her survival suit and pulled the plas-rifle out of the closet.
Actaeon’s picture on the memorial wall snagged Nafisi’s attention as she walked toward the front door. Another reminder of Commander Penzak, who wasn’t here to help now that his idiocy had left her exposed. Not that she needed his help, it had just been…nice. To not be the only person on the ranch who gave a shit for a brief moment.
She leaned to peek through the spyhole in the storm shutters and blinked. Three enormous yellow cargo containers were lined up at the edge of the ranch’s habi-dome. She slung the rifle over her shoulder, went outside, and took the runner out to where they waited. If they were sending an army to take her down, they’d picked an odd way to arrive.
After skidding to a stop, she hopped off the runner and walked the last few steps toward the containers. When Rafe walked out from between two of them, her heart stuttered. The momentary lightness in her step had nothing to do with her excitement at seeing him. Neither did the slow rush of warmth that radiated out from her rib cage and made her survival suit suddenly seem too hot.
He stood for a moment watching her, hands fidgeting at his sides before he finally took a few quick steps to stop in front of her. His mouth opened. Shut. Opened again.
Nafisi hated waiting. “Well? What’s all this shit?”
His hesitation collapsed, the faint crow’s-feet around his eyes deepening as he smiled. “Nice to see you again too.”
God but his smile could melt comets.
“That’s not an answer.” She leaned against the ranch-runner and crossed her ankles. She would not lower her defenses a second time.
Rafe stabbed his fingers into his hair. "Right. As I'm sure you figured out, Triptych isn't going to forget about this place."
"No shit." She folded her arms.
"Ultimately, that leaves us with two options. We can relocate you. If you wish." He added the last bit hastily, as though he could tell she was getting ready to protest. She clicked her teeth together and bit back her planned retort while he continued. "Or, we can accept that risk and begin treating this location like the prized resource it is."
Nafisi stood and laid her rifle across the runner's seat. "There are too many containers here just to pack up all the stuff on the ranch. So I assume you've chosen the latter." Because taking care of the wolves left her with so much free time. Supervising a work crew of Forces engineers would be a piece of cake to add to her duties.
"Actually," he said. "We are willing to take your opinions into consideration. Though I will confess I expected you to want to remain here."
"It depends on where you thought about sending me. Frankly, I don't have time to babysit a bunch of construction troops. And the noise is just going to upset the wolves." She realized she was pacing and forced herself to stop. It wasn't fair that he could upset her so easily. Even being close to him jangled her nerves.
"We also considered relocating the ranch to Far
hope. The Ranger Training Facility is there, which would allow the wolves to spend more time with their rangers during the training process and create a smoother transition." He leaned his head slightly, like he watched for her response.
It was an interesting proposition, something she’d even suggested a few times early on. Yes, Farhope was one system sunward, which made it far warmer than Secundus. Going through wolfbond was stressful for the wolves, but being able to do it from their home instead of after being loaded into a shuttle and transiting two systems would make it easier on them.
Farhope also had actual sunshine, which wouldn’t suck. "Being at the Academy, I would have to enlist with the Forces, wouldn't I?"
He shrugged and looked sheepish. "We have systems in place for civilian contractors. They’re what we used for you already, since this is technically a ranger base. Despite the fact that no one gets deployed here. That said, if you had a ranger or even a retired officer on your staff, it would make the red tape less onerous." She started to say something, but he held up his hand to cut her off. "I'm not finished. Look, I'm gruff, I don't express myself well, and I can be a bit of an idiot."
"I can attest to the last one." She smirked and shifted her weight to one leg.
"What I'm trying to say is, I need to be better with my emotions. When I was here the last time, I wanted you to ask me to stay. Not because I don't know what to do with myself when my retirement comes, but because I want to be by you. Because being around you is the first time I have felt anything since Actaeon was killed."
She closed the space between them, stopping just inside arm’s reach, but resisted the urge to take the final step. "Better. But what are you proposing?"
He started to reach for her hand, but held back. "It's going to take some time to build the new facility on Farhope. In the interim, there's plenty to be done around here in terms of repairs and upgrades. If you're willing, I can stay on to manage TJF personnel while they’re affecting repairs. It would give you a chance to see if we are able to work together."