Her words trailed off miserably as she looked into Lily’s worried face. It was impossible. Lily would never understand how anyone could want to leave a life such as they had now, but the reason was quite simple. Ruby was the product of her early environment, she would always be, inside, what her early years had made her. The rest was a façade, a pleasing façade that gave pleasure to her parents and made her life a misery. She had long ago realised the meaning of the words ‘A bird in a gilded cage’, and that’s just what she likened herself to. She must break free; her rebellious spirit would not allow her to continue in this way of life for much longer. She planned to speak to her dad after the guests had gone, but before that she would endeavour to enlist the help of Dr Benson and his wife. She felt sure that they alone knew how she felt; no words had ever been spoken on the subject, but it was something about their attitude to her. They had never treated her as an invalid, and for that she was grateful. Maybe she was wrong, but if so, she would tackle her dad by herself. He would be deeply hurt, as would her mum, and for that she was truly sorry, but if she didn’t speak out now she would go mad. So wrapped up in her thoughts was she that she had forgotten about Lily until she spoke.
‘And what do you intend to do, Ruby?’ The ‘Miss’ had been dropped, as it frequency was when Lily was upset or agitated. ‘Pack a few things and hurry back to the East End, and what then? Get yourself a job in a pub, like I did? Or maybe you intend getting started in one of the sweatshops? Oh, that would be an education for you, that would really make you feel you were among the people of the East End you talk so grandly about! And where do you propose to live, eh? You might be lucky and get my old room; you’d like that. No fear of any luxury there, and you’d have plenty of company: why, the rats and cockroaches would hurry out to meet you – and the neighbours, well, you wouldn’t believe the reception they’d give you.’
Ruby’s eyes widened at the bitterness in her friend’s voice. ‘Lily, why are you so angry?’ she asked hesitantly; she had never seen Lily like this before.
‘Angry? Angry, you say? Yes, I’m angry, bloody angry, and amazed that you could be so stupid. There’s a world of difference between the East End you knew and the East End I was forced to grow up in. You moan that you’re cosseted – well, let me tell you, madam, you’ve always been protected, only you never knew it.’
Amazed at the unexpected outburst, Ruby could only sit and stare, her mouth agape as Lily ranted on. Fearful that someone would hear the altercation, she got to her feet, putting out her hands to her friend, this girl she had come to love as she would a sister, and said gently, ‘Lily, Lily, calm down, please! I have no intention of packing my bags and scooting back to the seedy streets of Whitechapel. I’d have a hard time to scoot anywhere, wouldn’t I?’ Ruby smiled, trying to inject some humour into the tense atmosphere, but Lily refused to be mollified.
‘You don’t know you’re born!’ she answered back, her voice still tinged with bitterness and anger, and her next words wiped the smile from Ruby’s face and made her head jerk back as if she’d been slapped. ‘You seem to be forgetting about your disability. God knows it’s hard enough to survive in this world, but what chance do you think you’d have with your handicap?’
As the damning word came from her mouth, Lily clapped her hand over her face in dismay, and when Ruby’s face reddened with anger she knew she had overstepped her position: too late she realised that she had gone too far. In all the years she’d worked in this house she had never heard Ruby moan about her misfortune; even when the stump was hurting, she never complained. She remembered the first few months when Ruby would call out in the night, and she would rush into her room to find her frantically scratching and scrabbling at the sheets in a vain attempt to relieve the itching in an ankle that was no longer there. At these times Lily would hold her young mistress in her arms, speaking to her softly until she fell back to sleep, the tears still wet upon her face. But Ruby was no longer a young girl; she was a woman now, a woman with a strong character and a sharp tongue. Now she watched in alarm and apprehension as Ruby walked towards her, her head held high, the tiny spots of anger still evident on her cheeks.
‘How dare you talk to me like that, Lily? You forget yourself!’ Ruby the friend was gone, and in her place stood a woman of breeding, a woman too proud to accept that her disability would in any way prevent her from carrying out her plans, whatever they might be.
She was forced to step back as Ruby advanced upon her. ‘Ruby, please, I’m sorry…’
‘Miss Ruby to you, Lily. You are in danger of crossing the line of familiarity, I will not be spoken to in such an insolent manner, especially by a servant!’ Ruby’s voice was deceptively soft, only the glint in her bright blue eyes showing her anger.
Lily was forced to back away, her hands nervously smoothing down her white starched apron, and then in a placating voice she said quietly, ‘Look, Miss Ruby, I didn’t mean any harm. I’m only thinking of you. I know how you feel…’
‘You don’t know how I feel. You have no idea how I feel. Nobody does!’ Ruby hissed between clenched teeth, her face only inches from Lily’s. ‘Do you know what it’s like to be mutilated? To feel disgust at the sight of your own body? Have you any idea what it’s like to be set apart from other people, so-called “normal” people? And what about the shame I feel when I see people staring and smiling at me while their minds’ eyes try to penetrate my clothing to see beneath, to the severed stump. Oh, I’ve seen them, Lily, the so-called friends who call to pay their respects. I’m an object of curiosity to them, and they try to salve their consciences by proclaiming “What a brave girl you are” while trying to hide the revulsion they feel if I get too close to them. I’m a cripple, Lily. That’s what they call me behind my back: a cripple! Well, let me tell you – my handicap, as you so delicately put it, is not going to stop me from leading a normal life. I’m going to succeed on my own, and by doing so maybe I’ll recapture something I lost a long time ago: my self respect.’ She was about to say more, but to her horror she felt her lips begin to tremble and tears spring to her eyes. As if she’d been caught in a shameful act, she covered her face and turned away from Lily, her head bowed.
As Ruby walked unsteadily to the bed, Lily began to breathe easier as the fear left her body and compassion took its place. Uncertain of Ruby’s reaction, she tentatively put out her hand, resting it on Ruby’s shoulder ready to pull it away quickly if she met with a rebuff. When no movement came, she said gently, ‘God, Ruby, I never dreamed you were suffering so much. Why didn’t you ever let on how you were feeling?’
Taking a shuddering breath, Ruby turned to face Lily. ‘I couldn’t. I’ve always felt this way, but I could never bring myself to put it into words.’ Her speech was jerky as she fought for self-control.
‘I’m so sorry, Ruby, I don’t know what to say. And you were right: I don’t know how you feel, but this much I do know, that if you really want to leave here and get a job, if it means that much to you, I’ll come with you. I wouldn’t want to stay on here if you left, and you will leave, I know that now.’
A loud knock on the door turned both their heads round in alarm. ‘Are you decent, girls?’ Bertie’s voice called out cheerfully.
Ruby clutched at Lily’s arm, whispering urgently, ‘Go and tell him I’m not ready yet. I don’t want him to see me like this. Hurry, Lily, before he comes in.’
Pushing Lily away, she stumbled to the small bathroom that led off from her room. Her breathing still coming in painful jerks, she listened intently as Lily told Bertie to come back in ten minutes as ‘Miss Ruby’ wasn’t quite ready yet. When she heard her bedroom door close, she quickly washed her tear-stained face in cold water.
‘It’s all right, he’s gone. Look, if you don’t feel up to facing anyone tonight, I can always say you’re not well,’ Lily said anxiously.
‘What, and have my Mum and Dad fussing over me all evening? No, thank you! If you could lend me some of your face-powder to cover t
he redness ‘round my eyes, I’m sure no one will know I’ve been crying.’
Lily hurried from the room, reappearing moments later with the box of face-powder she had bought over six months ago and had never used. Following Ruby back into the bedroom, she sat her down in front of the dressing table and deftly set about repairing her complexion. ‘There, not a bad job, if I do say so myself! Maybe we could get a job in the theatre; they’re always looking for make-up girls.’
Ruby said nothing for a moment, then, gently laying her hand on Lily’s arm, she whispered, ‘What I said, Lily… I didn’t mean to take my feelings out on you. You’ve always been so good to me, you didn’t deserve to be treated like that. I’m sorry, it’ll never happen again, I promise.’ As Lily made to answer, Ruby held up her hand. ‘No, don’t say anything, not yet. What you said before, about me packing a bag and making my way back to the East End, well you were right to ridicule me. I wouldn’t last five minutes, and deep down I always knew it.’
‘Does that mean you’ve changed your mind about leaving?’ Lily asked hopefully.
Ruby was quick to see the relief that passed over Lily’s face, and laughed out loud, her good humour restored once more. ‘No, I haven’t changed my mind about leaving. Let’s just say I’ll have to re-think my original plans.’
It was at this fortuitous moment that Bertie returned. Knocking sharply on the door, this time he didn’t wait for permission, but walked into the room, his hand covering his eyes, a wide grin on his face. ‘All right, ladies! Ready or not, here I come.’ Ruby and Lily smiled at each other, the last 15 minutes forgiven, if not forgotten. Bertie lowered his hand and looked from one to the other before declaring, ‘Well now, I don’t know which of you is the prettiest! I’m spoilt for choice.’ Leaning towards Lily, he said in a mock whisper, ‘I suppose I’ll have to choose Ruby, seeing as it’s her birthday, but another time, Lily, another time!’ Then, giving her a broad wink, he held out his arm to Ruby.
Lily looked on happily as they stood arm in arm. Oh, they did make a lovely couple: Ruby all decked out in her new finery and Mister Bertie dressed in smart black tails and trousers and a crisp white shirt instead of that hateful uniform he left the house in each day. Daisy and Ruby weren’t the only ones who worried about his choice of profession. Lifting her eyes slightly, she looked at his clean-shaven smiling face and felt the familiar tug at her insides that she experienced whenever she saw him. Aware that Ruby was watching her, she quickly dropped her gaze, saying, ‘Your cravat’s crooked, Mister Bertie.’
Ruby turned to face him, saying cheerfully, ‘Here, let me straighten it. We don’t want to let Father down in front of his friends, do we?’ The simple task completed, she turned back to Lily and, taking her hand in hers, she said softly, ‘We’ll talk more later.’ Then, ignoring Bertie’s curious look at the tender action he had just witnessed, she marched him from the room.
* * *
As the door closed behind them, the smile slowly dropped from Lily’s face. Picking up the yellow dress that Ruby had discarded earlier, she rolled it in a tight ball, together with the underwear that littered the bed. Putting the bundle of clothes by the door ready to be taken down to the laundry, she set about tidying up. When she had finished, she stood back to study her handiwork, then satisfied that everything was in order, she made her way to her own room that was situated beside the bathroom she shared with Ruby. It wasn’t as large or as luxurious as Ruby’s, of course, but it was a far cry from the tiny attic she had originally been allocated. Seating herself in the wicker chair by the window, she gazed into the night, her eyes misty with unshed tears.
Despite the controlled front she had displayed for the benefit of Mister Bertie, she was still feeling shaken by the confrontation she’d had with Ruby, added to which was the worry about what would happen to her once Ruby left the house. The position she held now would obviously not exist any more, so she, like Ruby, must begin to make plans for her future. Finding another job shouldn’t prove too difficult. After all, she was no longer the ignorant illiterate girl who had arrived here dirty and near to death from starvation all those years ago, and she had Ruby and Mrs Chadwick to thank for that.
It was Ruby who had pleaded for her to be allowed to sit in on her lessons and Mrs Chadwick had heartily endorsed this plea, much to the horrified disapproval of that old dragon Miss Maybury, but even she had been grudgingly surprised at the speed and natural ability that Lily had shown in her efforts to achieve an education. The Cockney idiom and poor grammar she had once used had almost entirely disappeared, although she often lapsed back into the old way of speaking when upset or excited. She was certain that Mrs Chadwick would give her a good reference, so why did she feel so desolate? A smiling face winking at her suddenly appeared in front of her closed eyes, and impatiently she brushed the mental image away; there was no future for her in that quarter.
Then her mind started to take in the individual objects in her room, as if storing them away safely in her memory where they could never be taken from her. A few feet away stood her single bed draped in a warm brown coverlet, and there beside it rested her very own wardrobe containing her three dresses for her afternoons off and the two navy house-dresses and aprons. Beside these hung her grey dress with the white collar and cuffs, which was used only when she was called upon to take over the role of housekeeper on special occasions when Mr Chadwick held business lunches for his associates from the City. Over in the far corner were the writing-table and chair that Ruby had presented her with on her twentieth birthday five years ago, and which she now used as a receptacle for her weekly magazines and the occasional book she would borrow from the library downstairs.
The room seemed to dip and blur as she tried to hang on to the familiar images, and silently she cried out, ‘Don’t go, Ruby! Please don’t leave, because I don’t want to. This is my home now. Please don’t make me have to start all over again. I’m frightened, Ruby! Please see how afraid I am and stay! Please, Ruby, please!’
Chapter Thirteen
‘Happy birthday, dear. I hope our small gift will afford you some pleasure.’
Ruby took the gaily wrapped parcel from the outstretched hand, her mind searching frantically to remember the woman’s name. ‘Thank you, I’m sure I will,’ she answered brightly, hoping the omission of the elusive name would go unnoticed. Pulling off the red ribbon, she unwrapped the present, her heart sinking as she saw the contents. ‘Another lot of poxy handkerchiefs.’ She must have a drawer full of them by now! ‘Oh, they’re lovely; thank you again. It was very kind of you to think of me.’
‘Dearie me, Ruby, it was my pleasure! I only wish I’d had more time to visit the West End stores for something more original,’ gushed the over-sized nameless person sitting beside her.
‘So do I,’ thought Ruby, the smile still fixed firmly on her face.
‘I was only saying to Vanessa the other day how difficult it is to buy a present for someone one isn’t fully acquainted with, and she said…’
Ruby’s concentration wandered as she found herself nodding and smiling, adding a ‘Really’ and ‘That’s very interesting’ in what she hoped were suitable rejoinders in the woman’s conversation while her gaze wandered round the long dining table before settling on her brothers.
To her right sat Bertie and George, a young blonde-haired, rather insipid-looking girl sandwiched between them. This no doubt was Vanessa, who seemed to Ruby’s keen eyes to be running the emotional gamut between embarrassment and excitement as the two young men vied for her attention. She watched with amusement as Bertie leaned closer to the girl, whispering something into her ear that caused the already pink complexion to redden into an unbecoming blush. As for her younger brother, poor George seemed to be struggling to compete with Bertie to impress the now giggling Vanessa, but his valiant efforts to attract the girl’s attention were in vain. As far as charm and personality went, George was no match for Bertie! George eventually gave up the struggle and returned his attention
to the half-empty wine glass on the table in front of him, while his hand played nervously with the hem of the white tablecloth.
Looking at him sitting so miserable and out of his depth, Ruby was reminded strongly of her uncle David. George had inherited the same heavy features, and his young body, already broad and stocky, suggested the likelihood of his running to fat in later years, but thankfully the resemblance was merely outward; there was nothing, as yet, to suggest that George had inherited any of uncle David’s traits, and she thanked God for it. She had met her uncle only once and had taken an immediate dislike to the man, and had been as relieved as Daisy to hear of his sudden departure, even if he had taken half his father’s treasures with him.
A sudden loud laugh made her look towards the head of the table, where Bernard and Daisy sat, their faces wreathed in smiles as they listened to Dr Benson telling some tale, his small thin wife sitting beside him also seeming to be hanging on his every word, her face alight with merriment. As another loud laugh split the air, Ruby found herself grinning as though she too were in on the joke that was causing so much amusement.
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