Tears began streaming down Tristan’s face. I reach up and wipe a single tear away holding my hand there in comfort. As he exhales a shaky breath he continues. “I just didn’t know what to do. From the legends my mother told me, I knew that if I were to just run after him it wouldn’t do any good. You can't reason with a Night Marcher. It was one of the worst feelings you could imagine, to not be able to help your best friend when they needed you most. When the drumbeats faded off I ran towards the spot where I had last seen my friend. I had heard stories of Night Marchers trampling over people that got in their way. I feared the worse, which was that I would find my best friend trampled to death. Instead I found nothing, no sign of him, no sign of what may have happened to him, nothing!" Tristan stands up and starts pacing the cave. I watch his shadow move back and forth furiously across the cave wall. I'm not sure if he's furious with the Night Marchers or himself for not being able to save his friend.
He turns towards me almost too quickly and says earnestly, "I spent the night looking for him Emma. I did not just abandon my friend! I was the one who had to tell his parents, the Kealoha's, what happened." I gasp as I connect the dots. Tristan looks at me then resumes telling me what he needs to say. "I told the Kealoha's that I would not stop trying to find a way to get Noa back. I am the one that found your dad when I was doing my research online. I needed to find a way to undo the curse. I was hoping that your dad would help me. Or if he couldn't help me break the curse, then I was hoping that eventually he could lead me to them. I have tried to hunt down the Night Marchers by myself. I never found them; tonight was the first time I had seen them since I started searching. With you in danger, I couldn't stop and try to find a way to help Noa, I had to get you to safety." His expression softens as he gazes at me.
"Tristan," I say softly. I’m in complete awe of his story. Not so much the story itself, but the way he put his heart on his sleeve. I want to comfort him but I have no idea how. After all I’m in the same exact position as him. Both of us need to save someone, a Night Marcher. Tristan obviously isn't aware though how unnervingly similar our stories are to each other.
He sits back down in front of me. His aquamarine eyes look as if they are trying to stare into my soul. "Emma, you are what matters to me. Out there...tonight, I couldn't imagine what I would have done..." His voice breaks and the look on his face has me on the verge of tears.
"Tristan..." I barely choke out as well.
"No, let me finish. I don't know if you got my letter, I don't know much of anything. I haven't pressured you to tell me anything that happened while you were missing. But, I've felt disconcerted since you've been back. I don't know if you know how I truly feel. Then, tonight when those things were coming...and you were stuck. I just couldn't bare to know that anything could happen to you or to me without you knowing..." Tristan puts his finger under my chin pulling my gaze back up to his. "Emma, I love you." He stares into my eyes as if he could imprint those words on my heart with a single look. Before I can respond or look away his lips come crashing down on mine with a fierceness that I have never felt from Tristan before. His hand is perched behind my head as if he wants to make sure that I don't pull away. With my heart beating fast and a million butterflies doing the waltz in my stomach, I'm swept up in the moment. Closing my eyes, I let go of all of the anxieties that rest on my shoulder and allow myself to do what I know I will regret later. As if sensing my submission, his hand relaxes moving down to my back and our kiss becomes increasingly gentler as we melt into each other.
Tristan is the first to pull away, both of us a little breathless. He rests his forehead on mine and we both take a moment to allow the dizziness and frantic heartbeats to settle. This is when it really hits me. I'm kissing Tristan, who just confessed his love to me but what about Kai? I haven't even told Tristan about him. I'm so confused and I have no idea what my feelings mean. When I'm with Tristan I feel amazing and safe. When I'm with Kai, I feel that intense electricity and I know deep down that Kai would do anything for me. He already has. They both love me. How? Why? I'm not even sure if I love either of them. I’m not sure if I have ever been in love before, so how could I know what it feels like? All I know is that I feel so good with both of them. That can't be right! I do know one thing right now; I am a horrible person! How can I do this to two men that I care for deeply? I don’t deserve either of them at all! I pull away from Tristan putting a little bit of distance between us.
Tristan cuts me off from my self-bashing, "Emma, did I upset you? What's wrong?" He must have taken my distancing myself for being something he did, which makes me feel even more horrid.
Looking into his amazingly beautiful blue eyes, I’m filled with sincerity. Thinking about how wretched I am leaves me speechless. Gazing down, the waterworks begin and I can't hold back my tears anymore.
"Emma, it's okay..." I look up and it's as if tonight's events spring to his mind alerting him of an unanswered question. His body goes rigid, "Emma...Why did you fight against me when I was trying to save you from the Night Marchers?"
I look up at him and I can't help myself, my sobbing just increases. I know I look like a blubbering fool but I don't know what to say or where to start. I still haven't spoken to anyone about what happened when I was gone and I’m still harboring a massive amount of guilt. I just don't know if I'm ready to lay everything on the table yet.
Tristan braces both of his arms on my shoulders and I begin to wonder if he's going to shake me. He doesn't though, he just says seriously: "It's okay Emma, you can tell me..." He exhales a shaky breath, as I'm sure the thought popping into his head is an unpleasant one. "Tonight is not the first night you have seen the Night Marchers...Am I right?" Tristan reaches his hand up towards my hair and lifts it out of my eyes in a tender gesture.
My crying becomes more frantic as I think of what transpired and how I could word everything that has happened to me. I pull away and stand up turning away from Tristan trying to privately compose myself. If I were not so emotionally exhausted I would be worried about how bad my eyes look right now or if my mascara is running everywhere. I have no energy to worry though. I wipe my eyes and take a few shaky breaths. Finding it easier if I don't look at Tristan when I confess. I answer him in a simple, "No." I don't turn around when I hear Tristan take a deep breath. It's now or never so I continue. "When you left town I went to the waterfall that you took me too. I was just going to hang out a while and enjoy the scenery but I ended up falling asleep, thinking that a quick nap wouldn't hurt anything. The sound of the falls was peaceful and easily lulled me to sleep..." Tristan put his hand on my back, but I just take a step forward letting his hand fall away. I can't bare his comfort right now; I won't be able to finish this. "When I woke up, it was dark. I tried to find my way out but I wasn't prepared. I had no light and I still was rusty on how to get back to my car. Using my cell phone light I tried to find the path I took to get there. I ran into someone in the woods that night, a man. Kai..." I whisper his name. To hear it spoken out loud is nearly unendurable and to discuss Kai with Tristan makes it all the worse. Guilt pulses through me as I hunt deep down for the courage I’ll need to finish this conversation. I knew it had to happen sometime; I also knew I would never be fully prepared to handle it. I’m still not, but I continue anyway. "He was going to help me, find my way to my car but that's when we heard it...the drums. He knew what they meant. He grabbed my hand and hurried me away from them. We ran out into a clearing and hid behind a boulder. I saw them, the Night Marchers. It was just like you described, stomach churning. Kai..." I take a deep breath. "He tried to shield me from them, but I didn't know not to..." I turn around and look at Tristan now. He's stunned and the look on his face is filled with worry and perhaps a tinge of defeat. Like he failed me somehow by not being there for me. Which makes me feel even worse. I keep going though. "I looked one of them in the eyes. I couldn't avert my gaze. It was as if I was caught in the Night Marcher's web. It all happened so fast after that. Kai was runnin
g with me and the Night Marcher was chasing me trying to kill me. I didn't know why. We barely escaped it by tumbling down a steep hill. I hurt my leg severely and ended up passing out from the pain." Tristan's face flinches when I mention the last part.
"When I woke up I was with Kai and he told me about the curse and how the Night Marcher would not stop hunting me until I was either dead or one of them. It wasn't safe for me to go home. We went on the run trying to find a way to break the curse. A...um...group, of Kai's friends took us in." I can't think of how to describe the Menehune's right now, nor do I know if talking about them would be like sharing a sacred secret. "One of them in particular helped us a lot, Adam, he is the one I was going after tonight. He is in danger and I need to help find him." I feel horrible that only now, am I remembering the mission I was originally on tonight. Seeing the Night Marchers and knowing that Kai was near was all it took for me to completely switch gears to wanting to save Kai. But, I know that in order to save Kai, I will need the Menehune's help...Adam's help. Tears start coming to my eyes when I think of how Paul looked when he came to me: beaten, bruised and terrified. My stomach rolls with dread at the thought of what condition Adam is in right now.
I blink away my tears and look at Tristan who is waiting patiently but I can tell he's struggling with wanting to comfort me. I appreciate that he knows I need to keep going and that I don't need to be coddled at this moment. I continue. "Anyhow, Adam and his friends did some research and thought they found a way. If I could kill the Night Marcher myself, I could break the curse. I tried, but it didn't work."
Tristan's face is outraged. "What? You went after a Night Marcher by yourself? How could that man, Kai you say, let you do something like that? Or this Adam for that matter! What Idiots! When I get my hands on them Emma!"
I have never seen Tristan this worked up before. In this instance it makes me rather pissed off! He doesn't know Kai or Adam...he doesn't know what happened. I calm down when I think of that fact. He doesn't know so it's understandable that he’s upset. I still try to make him understand though that it's not their fault. "First of all, they are not idiots! Adam only relayed to me the research he found and Kai, he didn't want me to go after them Tristan. In fact I had to sneak away from him to go after the Night Marcher on my own. And in the end Kai saved my life. He took my place!" I yell the last part out so loudly it bounces off the cave walls repeating itself several times in a muzzled expression. I look away now, tears flowing again. I can't bare it, thinking about how Kai sacrificed himself for me. I relive it in my mind over and over, and each time hurts as much as the last, if not more.
Turning to look at Tristan I see that he is speechless and a little confused. I can't take it. I can't take being here right now. I can't take looking at Tristan and seeing the questions in his eyes. I can't deal with this. Before I break down entirely I turn on my heal and run with all of my might away from the cave and away from Tristan who calls after me. Away from my thoughts and the pain that I feel when I think about Kai. The rain hasn't let up any but I don't care. I run through mud and water puddles, splashing my shoes and pants with muck. The rain soaks my drying hair again and sends water droplets streaming down my face and into my eyes. It doesn’t matter though, because running feels good; it’s the one thing in my life right now that I can control. Even though every breath sends needles of shock through my chest it feels amazing. Like if I can just keep running, I will eventually run off all of my worries and anxieties.
"Emma! Emma, please!" I can hear Tristan pleading to me from a few yards back. Guilt finally catches up with me as I think about how I'm making him chase after me in the rain. We had finally started to dry up by the fire and now the two of us are soaked to the bone once again. As if I don't have enough guilt weighing on me, now I could cause one of us to get sick from being out in this weather.
I stop running abruptly. My breathing is labored as I try to calm my heartbeat down. The air has turned cold and my breath sends smoke signals drifting into the night sky. Standing still sends my body into shivers, but I don’t seem to notice. I just stand there numb, emotionally and physically.
I slowly turn towards Tristan who is still calling my name. Instead of waiting for him to catch up to me, I meet him half way. In an accepting silence, Tristan puts his arm around my shoulder and leads me back through the woods to the cave. The rain pelts us so hard on the trip back that I walk most of the way with my head down and my eyes closed. Feeling depleted, I just allow Tristan to lead me, trusting that he will get me to where I need to go.
Back in the cave we wring out our clothes the best we can, then sit next to each other in front of the fire. Both of us lean our backs against the wall and stare silently at the flames. Personally, I've seen enough flames to last me a lifetime, but there isn't much else to stare at since Tristan and I are avoiding looking at one another.
An hour passes, all the while, the silence continues. The pounding rain and the crackling fire that Tristan has kept going, by periodically adding wood, is beginning to lull me to sleep. Just as I close my eyes and nearly submit to sleep, I hear Tristan break the silence. "Emma?" He whispers.
"Yes?" I say groggily. We both continue to avoid eye contact. Subconsciously, I'm sure we both are aware of the conversation that we would eventually need to have.
"Kai...Is he," I can tell Tristan is considering how to word his question and is trying to tread carefully. "What is he to you?"
"What is he to me?" I ask back, pretending like I didn't really understand where he was going with his query. All the while feeling the guilt building inside of me.
Tristan doesn't buy my aloofness. He turns towards me, which forces me to make eye contact with him. The look on his face is that of frustration and underlying hurt. "You know what I mean Emma." He says it forcefully but not in a rude manner.
"Kai..." It hurts to say his name. Not only because he's not here, but it hurts to say it to Tristan. I care for Tristan. How can I possibly explain to him that I also care for Kai? Breathing in deeply, I close my eyes and try. "He saved my life, more than once. He took my place. I need to help him. I owe him." I open my eyes and try to blink away tears that are blurring my vision.
We both turn towards the fire. It's as if a giant gap has formed between us. A few minutes pass and I hope that he has decided to let it drop for now. He doesn't. Instead he asks me a question I do not want to answer right now. "Do you love him?" I can hear the hurt and anguish he is emitting in his words and I cringe as I wonder how on earth I could possibly answer this question.
Do I love him? I wish there were an easy answer to Tristan's question. A yes or no, but still, I do not know. Understanding that he needs and deserves an answer I say, "I care for him. I don't know if I love him." I suddenly realize that I have been holding my breath so I force myself to inhale and exhale slowly. I turn towards him and the pain on his face makes my heart break. I hurt him. This man who loves me. I don't deserve him or Kai or anyone.
He stands up and turns his back to me. His hands are balled into fists. Not fists of anger, but I'm pretty sure he's just clenching his hands in an effort to keep it together. In this moment all I want to do is make it all go away, but how? I plead with him, "Tristan, you haven't asked me how I feel about you."
I watch him slowly release his hands from fists. He takes a deep breath and turns towards me. I can see moisture in his eyes and it takes all that is in me to not cry as well. I don't wait for him to ask me how I feel about him. I tell him. "I care deeply about you too. I don't deserve you, but you mean so much to me. I loathe myself for making you hurt Tristan. I don't know how I feel. I don't even think I understand love or how one can interpret it. All I know is that when I'm with you I feel happy and safe. I feel your love and I wish I could tell you right now that I love you. But, how can I say I love you when I also care for someone else? I’m not worthy of you Tristan; I’m not worthy of anyone! I am no good Tristan. No good for you or for anyone!" There is no way for me to hold back th
e tears now. Not when I feel this deep gashing hole inside my chest. "I understand Tristan if you don't want to be around me; I understand completely. You don’t deserve this." I pull my knees up towards my chest, cover my eyes and weep. I hadn’t realized just how cumbersome this burden had become.
"Emma, please don't cry." He says in a hushed voice. I barely hear him walk over to me. He sits down and puts an arm around my shoulders, which makes me feel even more horrible. I should be comforting him. I'm the one hurting him. "Listen to me Emma. I don't understand love in its entirety either. You can't help the way you feel. You have been through things in the past few days that would break an average seventeen year old down. You aren't an average seventeen year old though. That's what I love about you. You are strong, tough, caring and honest, just to mention a few."
I shake my head because I totally disagree with him. "Yes Emma, you are." He says so strongly that I find myself wanting to believe him.
Getting my sobbing under control I pull my head up and wipe at my eyes. It takes me a few seconds to get up the courage to turn my eyes on Tristan. Afraid of seeing the hurt I inflicted on him. I say, "Tristan, it's okay to be mad. You don't need to comfort me. I’ll understand and respect your choice if you want me out of your life."
Before I can push my gaze away from him again he gently re-directs me to him with his finger under my chin. "I am not mad. Am I upset or disappointed? Yes. Not in you or in who you are...in the situation. I don't want you out of my life. I can't bare the thought Emma. I will respect that you need time to figure out how you feel. I can wait."
Redemption (Night Marchers #2) Written by: Rebecca Gober and Courtney Nuckels Page 3