Those statistics hummed constantly in the background of our lives like a soundtrack, and nobody ever noticed it happening. Did you know that 67% of statistics were made up on the spot?
OMG, WTF, LOL. Speaking of retardation, after ten thousand years of civilization, our very ability to communicate had diminished to ‘textspeak.’ Like I said--we were zombies before there were zombies. How does anyone even explain something like Facebook to people born after the plague?
What’s worse is how that idiotic silliness fills me with nostalgia now. Humans had reached an elevation of such playful, carefree wonder that they spent days on end reporting and categorizing what was popular, what was normal, what was new. Survival was our basic assumption, and death was so unexpected and shocking that it was reported on constantly. My mother would call me in a panic from 3,000 miles away to tell me whenever someone was murdered in my city.
WTF Mom, you morbid weirdo! WTF means What The Fuck, for those of you born after the plague, or in Nebraska. I wonder how any kids today are even going to learn to read while they’re busy trying to escape from seven billion undead. Maybe this will be the last book ever written?
I want you to know how good you have it now that civilization is dead. We were so bored as a species before this shit went down that people sat alone in their rooms, staring at a screen all day long and sharing pictures of our goddamn breakfast, our cats, and the cutesy lipstick keychain someone bought at the mall. Before the plague, we spent every single day of our lives trapped in a job somewhere, doing things we hated, so that they would give us money to buy this useless junk you see littering the wasteland. That was pretty much our entire lives.
Those days are long dead and, unlike your grandma, probably won’t rise again. And I’m secretly glad of that, because I was dead then, shambling through my life, just like all the others. And now, whoever you are reading these words, you are truly alive, aren’t you, awake in every moment, aware how precious and fragile your life is? Nature found a way to kibosh humanity’s appetite for destruction. We’re like mice in the forest, seeing and listening intently in fear of the death that lurks around every corner.
To the survivors I say, don’t despair--you will never again have to stand there with your unimaginative, glassy-eyed neighbor who is overly jazzed to discuss the weather with you. You’re done being that captive audience, trapped by your own social graces at the water cooler while some noxious co-worker drones on about their opinions of Dancing with the Stars or gay marriage. And nobody will ever ring your doorbell, rousting you from a relaxing afternoon nap, to ask if you’ve ever heard of Jesus. Maybe the best perk of all--jobs don’t exist anymore!
Am I the only one who’s glad that civilization is dead?
Destiny Nowhere is available from Amazon here!
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