by Stella Rhys
He brushed my hair back to smile at the lack of stitches on my forehead. “Don’t apologize for the things I choose to do. We might as well get that out now.” When I looked up at him quizzically, he laughed. “Evidently, I can’t actually keep my distance unless we’re separated by state lines. Like I said, I tried not to come. Maybe not hard enough, but that’s not your problem,” he said, touching the faint curve that touched the end of my lips. He let me rest my cheek on his palm, quiet for a bit.
“It would’ve been her thirteenth today,” I broke the silence. “She was looking forward to this one.”
“I’m sorry.” A deep frown creased Abram’s brow. “When did you lose her?”
“Last year near her birthday. She was in a coma for the final week.” I tried to shrug it off in front of him. “Leukemia.” My explanation for how it couldn’t have been helped. We did all we could. It was the line I hung onto when I fell into that dark place.
I could see the true sympathy in his eyes. It lessened the surprise of what he told me next. “I went through the same thing last year.” He paused, his gaze briefly falling. “I know how it feels. Like a part of you is gone forever. Like you might never be whole again.”
I wasn’t sure if my fresh tears were for him or me but I looked up and gave a defeated shrug. “I won’t be whole again,” I said matter-of-factly. “Elle saved me. She made me the person I am and she was bettering me every day till she died. Now it feels like I’m just… incomplete. Like I’m walking around without an arm or a leg but no one can see, so they don’t understand.”
Abram shook his head. “We’ll both be one piece again, Isla. It’s just going to take time,” he assured gently.
Maybe. I paused to look out at the bright grass. I couldn’t see the birds but I could hear them chirping. I stood there listening to them for a moment, letting myself revel in Abram’s touch. “When did your brother pass?” I murmured out of nowhere. I could feel it was a brother. I could feel that they were close.
There was a long silence before I got his dark reply. “He didn’t pass.”
For some reason, the words chilled me to the bone. I wasn’t sure why but I couldn’t wonder because suddenly, I heard voices coming from the end of the road. I looked behind me to see my mother just reaching the top of the hill. She made eye contact with me before I rushed into the car, Abram following and obliging as I urged him through panicked tears to drive away, away.
chapter thirteen
I was the bad mistake.
Elle was a mistake too. My parents were still too broke to raise even me by the time she was conceived. But from the day she was born till the day that she died, she was perfect. She never talked back, rolled her eyes or slammed the doors. She minded her own business but came running if you called her, smiling at everything and everyone. And I hated that. I hated her for proving that my parents were in fact capable of love – they just had none for me. I resented her for making me realize that I did want my mom’s attention.
It wasn’t till I was seventeen that I even started liking Elle. But shortly after, she was diagnosed with leukemia. The bright little girl who was friends with every kid in class, who planted tulips for our widowed neighbor every spring, was suddenly weighed down by sickness and stripped of the childhood she’d have flourished in.
For her, I stopped doing all my terrible shit. I stopped stealing pills. I stopped taking them. I stopped sneaking into college parties just to flirt with boys and pocket their phones. I stopped being pissed about how poor we were and realized that no amount of hocking stolen goods would pay for chemo, or the time my parents would have to take off of work to care for Elle. So I got a job and went to college. I wanted to be a teacher because Elle dreamed of going to school. I helped my mom with bills and did whatever she asked. And the cancer went away. When it did, my mom was done speaking to me again, but that was fine. Elle still FaceTimed me every night so at least my dad would sometimes wave in the background. And by now, I had my students to adore, to shower with the love and attention I wished I could give Elle every day.
“You had their pictures in your wallet,” Abram murmured. I blinked.
“I did,” I realized softly, remembering the school portraits and notes from my favorite students. There were half a dozen shoved into the part of my wallet that most people kept their bills. “I loved them,” I said, a flood of memories suddenly filling my head with full names, birthdates, favorite colors and foods. Silly stories about what the class hamster probably dreamt about at night. I laughed quietly.
Abram glanced at my expression and smiled. “I’d teach if I was cut for it,” he said to my surprise. “Do you think you’ll ever go back?”
I hadn’t considered it till now. “I think so,” I replied. Back at the school, my class had become my life – the kids my kids, their parents my parents. They were the substitute family I had in Elle’s remission and I would happily sacrifice my mother’s love for my sister’s health.
Not that we didn’t become a family again, when the cancer returned a few years ago. My mom started calling again, picking me up to go to the hospital. When it became clear that Elle was struggling to hold on, she took my emotional support. She even held my hand one night, for an entire hour.
But then Elle died, we were all a mess and my mother cruelly blamed me.
She reminded me of the job she’d been fired from for being too dazed at the office, distracted by the worry I put her through as such a bad child. If she’d never been fired from that job, she would’ve climbed the ranks over the years and been paid enough to get Elle the best doctors in the country. Everything would have been different if I hadn’t been expelled that week when Percocets fell out of my bag. “I could’ve done more for her but you wasted my energy. I wish He took you instead but who can blame him for wanting Elle.”
The last words she spoke to me.
They pierced my heart again when I said them aloud in the car – the explanation Abram had asked for. He was quiet for a solid minute when I finally finished. I noticed his grip on the wheel had changed over the course of my story. When he started, it was a lazy forearm draped over the top. Now, his long fingers were wrapped tight around the leather. “I’m sure you know it wasn’t your fault,” he finally said.
“I do,” I replied, trying to sound light. I did know that. But it didn’t stop me from wishing that I could’ve died instead. It didn’t stop me from picturing the girl Elle fantasized about being, and how that girl would’ve grown into a wonderful woman that the world deserved to meet. She would’ve gotten a job to serve others, loved all the right people and made differences I never could. My mom actually hadn’t been wrong. Between the two of us, it should have been me. Elle was just a better person. So I considered a morbid fantasy of killing myself to bring her back. Pills would be appropriate but my mind always gave me a gun. I figured if I prayed to the universe hard enough, it could happen – she’d return or at least reincarnate somewhere close to my parents. And if she didn’t, well, at least I wouldn’t be around to know.
Those were my dark thoughts. They came less frequently these days so I tried to give Abram the censored version, leaving out the suicide part so he wouldn’t think I was crazy. Still, when I was done, he wore a deep frown on that torturously handsome face. “Everyone changes as they get older,” he said. “She would’ve grown up to be just as good a person as she was before she died, but she would’ve made mistakes too. We just idealize people who went too early. I know.”
I saw the glint of pain in Abram’s eyes – the way he quickly furrowed his brows to get rid of whatever thought he was having. I wanted to ask him then about his brother but suddenly, my phone rang. Startled, I answered the call just to stop it from buzzing. “Hello?”
“Isla?”
Damn it. Holly. “Hi.” My stiff tone had Abram eyeing me.
“Isla. Hi. Um… are you in Long Island? Your mom just called me asking if it was me who was with you. At the cemetery.” She went on befor
e I could answer. “Isla, if you’re here you might as well meet me. We clearly have a lot to talk about and I do have your jacket. Evan gave it to me to give to you.”
I winced at the sound of his name off her lips. “I don’t know if now’s the best time – ”
“If you’re at the cemetery, you’re twenty minutes from my house. You’re already here, Isla, just come meet me at our usual place. Please. I know you think you hate me right now but I also know you’re alone and that you need your best friend. If for nothing else, you should want to meet me for the jacket. Don’t pretend you don’t want it back.”
I did. I hated that it was in Holly’s possession. The fact that she and Evan had touched it made my skin crawl because I had planned on putting it on Elle’s grave today. Through my silence, Holly heaved a sigh that hurt my ear.
“Isla, I know you’re upset about your life right now but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to ask that you – ”
“Holly.” I stopped her before she could say something to change my mind. “I’ll meet you. I’m coming now.”
When I hung up, I stared out my window. Abram let me stew for a minute of silence. “Where are we going?” he finally asked. I gave him directions and on the way over, I explained every last thing about Evan and Holly.
chapter fourteen
I met Holly at Lillian’s, an overpriced wine bar in our little hometown. She was wearing her sunglasses at the bar, despite the fact that she was indoors and it was getting dark out. The place was casual but she wore a jeweled cocktail dress and platform heels. I spotted my bomber jacket tossed haphazardly onto the bar stool next to her, half dragging on the floor. My heart pounded furiously at the sight but I clenched my teeth and made myself calm down. Abram was waiting for me in the car and despite the fact that he was on the phone, I knew he had an eye on me at all times. I didn’t want him to see me looking like an instant mess, so I took a deep breath and approached the bar.
“You look beautiful,” Holly breathed the second she saw me. It felt insincere but maybe it was the sunglasses. They didn’t come off until we’d ordered drinks – a gin and tonic for me, a Cosmo for her. “Oh, and bartender, one more,” she wiggled her ringed hand at him. “A vodka Red Bull, too, please.”
I froze, cocking my head. “Why are you ordering Evan’s drink?” I asked slowly, dread building in my stomach.
Holly tried a coquettish look. “Darling, don’t kill me, but I thought this was the best way for us to handle this conversation.”
Holy shit, I’d been bait-and-switched. “I… it was hard enough for me to agree to meet you alone.”
“I know, honey,” she whined, pouting. “But I thought if you got to witness the way Evan and I are together, in person, you’d understand. You know? You’d forgive the love.”
I was speechless. I tried to think of anything to say so Holly wouldn’t keep talking, but I came up empty.
“Sweetie, I know it’s hard and I’m so sorry. I’d normally never subject a person who’s single to sit here and watch me and Evan, ‘cause we can get so mushy sometimes,” she rolled her eyes at herself and giggled, “but I think our circumstances are special because we’re best friends and if we don’t fix this problem fast, I might not have the maid of honor I’ve dreamed of since I was a little girl. It’s going to be my dream wedding, Isla. My dad said no limit on the budget, which is amazing!”
I stared, in disbelief as Holly squealed. This meeting wasn’t about giving me the jacket and talking things out. It was just a ploy to flaunt as much as humanly possible. I wanted to hurl and right in time, I felt Evan’s crawling touch.
“Isla.” When I turned to him, he greeted me with a casual smile and a hand on my back. I wished I hadn’t shed the raglan over my halter sundress before getting out of the car. Blind to Holly, Evan’s fingers slowly curled to stroke my bare skin. “I’m so glad you’re here. You look amazing,” he murmured to me. But when Holly cleared her throat, he went straight to her.
“Got you your drink, babe,” she said, handing him the vodka Red Bull and presenting him with duck lips to kiss. He took the drink, oblivious to her face until she said, “Babe!” repeating herself when the peck he gave her didn’t suffice. I then clutched my leather bomber jacket as I sat there, forced to watch Holly squeeze Evan’s knee as they stiffly made out. God, save me. I looked away, searching for Abram through the window.
But just as I cursed the fact that he wasn’t in the car, I felt an arm slip around my waist, pulling me in. My breath hitched in my throat. I recognized the brawn of Abram’s torso against me before hearing the velvet of his voice in my ear.
“Sorry, babe. I needed a drink after that call from work.”
Eyes wide, I caught both Evan and Holly’s reactions. They weren’t looking at me – they were both looking at him. Evan’s hands balled into fists while Holly stared, bug-eyed with her jaw dropped so I could only see her lower teeth. She looked like a Piranha. Once my own shock subsided, I felt a trickle of satisfaction and a buzz building under my skin.
With a handful of Abram’s shirt, I pulled him down to press a quick but hot kiss on his lips, my arousal heightening as I tasted his tongue for the very first time. As I pulled away, I squeezed his thigh, sliding my palm up to graze his crotch for the briefest second before flashing a smile. “Of course, baby. Let’s get you a drink,” I murmured, sitting back and trying not to giggle at the ravenous look in his eye – like he needed more. And fast. But he recovered to grin to himself as he ordered a drink from the bar. Then with a hand on my back, he turned to Evan and Holly, wearing a smooth, megawatt I-could-buy-you type smile. “Abram. Nice to meet you guys.” They both shook his hand.
“Evan and Holly,” I supplied when neither spoke.
“Evan and Holly. Right,” Abram said, as if I’d never spoke of them till now.
Holly was unblinking as she finally tilted her head at me. “Um. This is your… friend, Isla?” she asked through a tight smile.
“Boyfriend,” Abram corrected as he drank from his scotch, tilting his head to look at my backless dress. I wasn’t sure if he was playing the role of distracted, horny boyfriend or if he really was entranced by my skin. Either way, I was entertained.
“Please excuse whatever he’s doing right now,” I laughed genuinely.
“Sorry,” he apologized to them with a grin. “She was covered all day so I’m taking this in for the first time.”
Evan clenched his teeth. “Yeah, no, I get it, bro,” he muttered. When Holly flashed him a look, he draped a heavy arm around her shoulder. She stared at him until he kissed her lips. As they exchanged glares and low mutters, I looked up at Abram.
“Thank you,” I mouthed. Running his hand down my back, Abram winked at me. He opened his mouth to say something but Evan loudly cleared his throat.
“So, how’d you guys even meet?” he blurted his question.
“I don’t know how appropriate it would be to tell that story.”
I howled on the inside. Abram wasn’t lying but his suggestive little chuckle made it seem like we’d met in a drunken, sex-crazed one-night stand. Evan crossed his arms like an angry gorilla. “Really.” He looked pointedly at me. I bit my lip back, trying not to crack up in his face.
“I…”
“Well, that’s funny, ‘cause that’s just like us,” Holly said suddenly, her voice high-pitched. “I mean Ev and I met ages ago, obviously, but our first night was…” she actually gave a moan. “Just like… wow. So hot.”
Oh my God. I wanted to cover my face. This was becoming an official train wreck. I wanted to just run away but I could tell Abram was having fun. In the car, he’d looked even more pissed about my story about Holly than my story about my mom. He seemed to enjoy tormenting her a little.
“Good to know,” he remarked in a way that made Evan shake his head with embarrassment. Holly was unfazed.
“Yeah. Our sex life is… pretty crazy.”
That was it. Once she said that, I excused mys
elf to the bathroom so I could finally let out my pent-up disbelief and laugh in that holy-fuck-what’s-happening kind of way. But my privacy lasted barely ten seconds.
“Isla.”
I jumped and turned from the sink when the door flew open.
“Evan, what the hell are you doing?” I shoved him away as he barreled in like an angry bull.
“Who is that guy?” he demanded.
“Why is it your business?” I countered, trying to make my way past him, but he blocked the door.
“Because I can’t stand to see you with someone like that! You deserve better.”
“Really.”
“Yes –he’s using you for sex, Isla!” Evan hissed.
Now it was time to laugh in his face. “No, that was you. You offered nothing while using me for everything including sex, which you still wanted from me after you proposed to your fiancée out there, so honestly, don’t even try it.”
Evan huffed and puffed, his nostrils flaring. “How long has he been fucking you? Since before I met you at the bar?”
I savored my answer before giving it. “I met him that night.”
Evan stared in shock before growling. “Fuck, Isla, I could’ve given you better cock that night and you know it.” He backed me into the wall, grabbing his package. “You miss it, I know it. You fucking loved it. He might be fuckin’ eight feet tall but I know he can’t make you come the way I do.”
I grabbed his wrists when he tried to lift my skirt. “His fingers make me come harder than your cock ever did,” I seethed.
The air went still as Evan froze, his face purple in an instant, his entire body shaking with a mounting fury. But the second it peaked and exploded with his hands all over my body, I heard the door burst open so hard I was sure it broke right off the hinge.