Risking It All

by Nina Darnton

  “So what happened? I can’t believe he’d do this to you after everything you went through. Did that bastard have an affair?”

  Marcia gave a little smile. Before knowing anything about what had happened, Marian automatically blamed Jeff. Marcia knew this was not only support, it was generalizing from Marian’s own experience, but it felt good anyway, even though it made Marcia a bit uncomfortable. This was new to her, this victim status, and she had too much pride to take much pleasure in it. Still, she was grateful. Marian’s support couldn’t change things, Marcia knew. But it could and did make her feel a bit better, just like in her childhood when her mother used to kiss the place she hurt and tell her that the kiss made the pain go away. It didn’t, but in some magical way, it did.

  Marcia tried to fill her in on the problems and tensions that had torn at their marriage since Eve died. She tried to explain that Jeff did genuinely seem to love Griffin, but completely misunderstood and refused to accept Danny. “The bottom line is that Jeff has threatened to sue me for custody of Griffin,” Marcia said with a deep sigh. “I have to talk to a lawyer. I hoped you could recommend the one you used.”

  “Yes, of course, She’s terrific. But she’s expensive. You have no idea how much money it costs to get out of a marriage, unless you both agree on the terms of the divorce.”

  “I’m not sure it will come to that, but I need some advice. I’d like to make an appointment for a consultation.”

  “Wait a sec.” Marian reached into her bag and fished around until she retrieved her iPhone. When she found the information she was looking for, she sent it to Marcia. “Her name is Gloria Stein. I just sent you her contact numbers. Call her right now and tell her we’re friends. She’s busy but I’m sure she’ll try to see you as soon as she can.”

  Marcia thanked her, but didn’t move. The enormity of what she’d just asked for had hit her hard.

  “Wait a minute,” Marian said, noticing her friend’s distress. “Why don’t I call Gloria? I might be able to get through to her directly.”

  A few minutes later, Marian was on the phone with Gloria Stein and had secured an appointment for Marcia the next day.

  “Marian, you’re amazing. How did you do that? I thought you said she was so busy.”

  “She is … Do you remember how complicated my divorce was? It cost a fortune and most of it went straight into the Hermès pocketbook of Gloria Stein. She owes me.”

  “Well, apparently, she knows it.”

  “She’s probably seeing dollar signs arranged in a halo around your head. But don’t worry. She’s honest too. She’ll tell you if he has a case.”

  They talked a little more, about Marian’s life post-divorce, about the kids, about their jobs, and finally Marian looked at her watch and said she had to go home to relieve the nanny. Marcia was a little late too, so they exchanged hugs, promised to see and speak to each other more often, and said good-bye.

  The next day, after sending Danny off to his new school with a hot breakfast and encouraging words, Marcia went to work. Her appointment with Gloria Stein was during her lunch break and she hoped to get a lot done before she left. She made a few calls, caught up on her messages and attended a sales meeting, and before she knew it, it was time to go. Just as she was putting on her coat, her cell phone rang. She glanced at it. Jeff. She hesitated, but picked it up.

  “Yes?” she began, her voice cold.

  “Marcia, I’d like to come by tonight. We need to talk.”

  “I think we talked enough. In fact, I’m just on my way to see a divorce lawyer to go over what you said the last time we had a talk.”

  “A divorce lawyer?” He seemed taken aback, even shocked. “Why?”

  Now it was her turn to be shocked. “Why? Don’t you remember our last conversation? You threatened to take Griffin away from me. You threatened to sue for custody.”

  “Oh shit. I was angry. I hadn’t thought things through. I didn’t mean it.”

  “I think you did.”

  His voice hardened. “You can’t tell me what I meant or didn’t mean, Marcia.”

  She sighed. “Listen, I don’t have time for your lawyer’s voice. I have to meet her in half an hour. Come over tonight if you want to see Griffin, and if there’s anything to say, we can talk then.”

  “Of course there’s something to—” She hung up before he could finish.

  She could tell that Gloria Stein was as expensive as Marian had reported just by seeing her office. On the top floor of a modern steel and glass Park Avenue office building with expansive views of the New York skyline, the office screamed “money.” The waiting room was decorated with Danish modern furniture and featured lush beige carpets, on which Marcia didn’t see one stain, and an original Botero on one wall, immediately recognizable by the full-figured women it portrayed. On the opposite wall were framed photographs of African wildlife, one striking series of a lioness stalking a wildebeest, followed by a shot of the kill and then one of the lion devouring her dead prey. A none-too-subtle visual parallel of the work of a hotshot divorce lawyer, Marcia thought. It made her uncomfortable, even a little sad.

  When she was ushered into Gloria’s office, she was met by a thin, tall woman in a Chanel suit with very short, chic black hair, small gold hoop earrings and enough makeup for a fashion runway. She was sharp featured and angular and her lips glistened with unblotted lipstick, giving her a contradictory air of aggressive elegance. She strode across the room, shook hands with Marcia and took a seat at her desk, indicating a black leather chair across from her for Marcia. The lawyer got right down to business, listening carefully to Marcia’s description of everything she thought relevant up to and including Jeff’s threat to sue for custody of Griffin.

  Gloria didn’t waste time with her response. “He doesn’t have a case,” she said. “Not with what you told me. You don’t take a baby from his mother because his adopted brother had a few problems at school. You say he’s a lawyer, and I’m sure he knows that. He’s just trying to bully you.”

  “We haven’t actually adopted Danny yet,” Marcia said. “I want to, but Jeff always puts it off.”

  “That doesn’t matter. As things stand now there is no case and you don’t need me unless you intend to pursue a divorce. But you should know that as Griffin’s father, your husband will have a great deal of access to him, even if you become the custodial parent. If he wants to share custody, he will likely succeed in that. But that is simply the usual procedure in cases like yours. It has nothing to do with … what is the name of the boy?”

  “Danny.”

  “Yes, sorry. It has nothing to do with Danny or your husband’s belief that the boy is or could be a serious negative influence.” She waited for Marcia to respond, but Marcia, relieved, sat still, processing what she’d just heard. She had the feeling Gloria thought she was wasting her time.

  “Do you want to proceed with a divorce?”

  Marcia hesitated. “I don’t know. Not yet.”

  Gloria nodded, pushed her chair back and stood up. “Then we are finished for today. If you change your mind, make an appointment to see me and we will take it from there.” They shook hands, Marcia thanked her and turned to go. She could feel Gloria Stein watching her as she walked to the door so she lifted her chin and stood up straighter.

  Danny was home by the time she arrived and she asked him how his first day went. He said the kids were much nicer than at Claremont and the work looked easier so he thought it was pretty good. He was always hard to read and reluctant to share his feelings, so she couldn’t judge how sincere he was, but he seemed more upbeat than usual, so she accepted his answer and hoped for the best.

  Jeff arrived before dinner. Griffin’s face broke into a joyful smile when he saw him and he lifted his arms to be picked up. “Hey, buddy,” Jeff said, grinning and lifting him high into the air. Griffin laughed and Jeff threw him up and caught him, a game Griff loved and Marcia hated, but she held her tongue. Jeff asked if he could feed him
dinner and take over the bedtime ritual, and Marcia said he could. Danny hung back as soon as he saw Jeff. He said a shy hello, looking at the floor, and then retreated to his own room. Marcia called him back to the kitchen and served him his dinner while Jeff was giving Griffin a bath and getting him ready for bed. Danny said he wasn’t hungry, but he wolfed down the spaghetti and meatballs she’d made, gulped a glass of orange juice and, claiming he had homework, asked if he could go to his room. She knew he was uncomfortable with Jeff around, so she said yes. She didn’t sit down to dinner herself, taking bites and tastes while she cooked and finishing what was left on Danny’s plate. She cleaned up the dishes, brewed a pot of coffee and went to see how Griffin was doing. She stood in the doorway of Griff’s room and watched Jeff sitting with him in the rocking chair, reading Pat the Bunny. She felt an overwhelming sadness as memories of how all this was meant to be swept over her. After Jeff put Griffin in his crib, Marcia wound up the musical mobile, arranged his pacifiers around him, handing him one, which he popped into his mouth. Watching this, as if they didn’t remember for that moment that they were alienated from each other, Jeff and Marcia caught each other’s eye and smiled proudly. The moment passed as soon as they tiptoed out, however. Marcia paused outside the bedroom door waiting for the howls of protest, but they didn’t come. Griff must have really been tired.

  In the living room she offered Jeff coffee but he asked for a scotch and she poured herself a glass of wine. How could it be, she wondered, after so long and so much love that they could be so estranged? Finally he spoke.

  “So, did you go to see a divorce lawyer today?”

  “Yes.”

  “Is that really what you want?”

  “You make it sound like I initiated it.”

  “I haven’t been to a divorce lawyer.”

  “No, but you threatened to sue me for custody of my son.”

  “Our son. And you knew I just said that out of anger.”

  “I didn’t know that. I don’t know you as well as I thought I did.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “I think it’s clear.”

  “So what did she say?”

  “She said you have no case and I don’t have to worry.”

  He finished his scotch and poured himself another.

  “Look, I came here on a peace mission. I want us to try again. I’ll come home and we’ll do our best to work things out.”

  She was considering whether she thought they could when he added, “I mean, we owe that to Griffin.”

  She stiffened. “What about us? Don’t we owe it to us?”

  “Yes, of course. That’s a given.”

  “How is it a given if you aren’t even faithful to our marriage?”

  He looked exasperated. “Marcia, what are we talking about? Is this about your anger because of what I said last time or about Ilana or Danny or what?”

  He had raised his voice and she looked nervously toward Danny’s room, hoping he couldn’t hear. “Please lower your voice. It’s about all of it. To start with, we can’t try again unless you and Danny try again. I spoke to Dr. Benson today. He suggested we send him to a special therapeutic camp he can recommend for the summer. He said it would be good for him and for us too; it would give us a chance to try to reestablish our relationship without the constant tension. But you’d have to be willing to wait until the summer—that’s three full months—and make an effort to be nice to him during the time he’s here. Could you do that?”

  “I don’t honestly know. I was hoping you’d be willing to send him to a boarding school I heard about. Did you read the brochures I left here?”

  Her disappointment was keen. She shrugged. “Yeah. I’m not ready for that step.”

  No one spoke. Then he took a deep breath and let the air out through his mouth. He said, “All right. I’ll give it a try.” His tone was skeptical.

  “I don’t think it will work if that’s your attitude, Jeff.”

  “I said I’d try. What more do you want?”

  “I want you to mean it.”

  “I mean it, goddamnit.”

  “Please don’t talk so loud. I don’t want him to hear. And you know, we haven’t even really discussed this Ilana thing. I mean, you’re acting like that was nothing. But you lied to me, you slept with another woman, you betrayed me. How do I forget that? How do I go on from there?”

  She fought back tears. That was the last thing she wanted to do now, show weakness. She didn’t want to beg him to apologize. She wanted him to do it on his own and then plead with her to accept.

  He looked away, like he was concentrating on something in the corner of the room. “There are all kinds of betrayals,” he said.

  “What?”

  He looked back at her. “You heard me. You pushed me away. You chose Danny over me. You knew how I felt but you insisted on taking him and keeping him no matter what he did or how he behaved or how much he disrespected me.”

  She was stunned. Her voice was cold. “So you’re saying it was okay what you did? That it was actually my fault?”

  “Shit, that sounds terrible. I don’t mean that. But I think in a way that’s what I felt. I guess it was kind of my excuse, my self-justification. I’m not saying it’s right. I shouldn’t have done it. I’m sorry.”

  His words were sorry but his tone wasn’t. He could have come to her. He could have reached for her. He could have put his arms around her and reassured her that he loved her, that he never loved Ilana. She might have accepted that, but he didn’t.

  “You don’t sound sorry,” she said quietly, exerting great self-control. She took a while to answer, thinking very intensely before she did. Finally she nodded and pursed her lips together. “Okay,” she said. “Come back. You try harder with Danny and I’ll try hard to forget what you did and how you justified it. As you say, we owe it to Griffin.”

  He winced. She got up and started to leave the room. At the doorway, she turned. “Will you stay here tonight?”

  “I’d like to. I have to check out of the hotel and pick up my stuff, but I’ll come back.”

  “Have you told her you’re doing this?”

  “I told her she and I were through, so what I do doesn’t concern her anymore.”

  She bit her upper lip. “You can’t sleep in our bedroom.”

  “Yes, that’s what I figured.” She could feel his anger. She wasn’t sorry.

  “It’s going to take me a while to get over this. You can’t have expected there would be no consequences.”

  That faraway look came over his face again. “Fine,” he said. “I’ll sleep in the guest room.”

  She nodded, irritated. How did he manage to construe this so that he was the victim? she wondered bitterly as she turned to go. He stayed in the living room after she left and finished his scotch. Then he picked up his coat and slipped out quietly, closing the door behind him.

  26

  Marcia hadn’t wanted Danny to hear her conversation with Jeff, but he did, and not by accident. He knew something important was happening and, as before, he cracked open his bedroom door just a little, so they wouldn’t notice. He stood by the door, his ear to the opening. Of course he didn’t hear it all, but he knew by the time Jeff left that Jeff and Marcia had narrowly avoided a divorce, at least for the time being. Jeff was coming back and Marcia had made him promise to be nicer to him. That provided little relief. He didn’t care if Jeff was nice to him—he knew they would never like each other and Jeff would never trust him. Mostly he hoped Jeff would just ignore him. But he worried about the camp Marcia mentioned. He didn’t want to go away, not even for the summer and especially not to some camp Dr. Benson recommended. He’d heard of those places for “special” kids and he knew perfectly well what they meant by “special.” Anyway, it would mean he’d be away from Griffin for the whole summer and around a bunch of weird kids he didn’t know and wouldn’t like. Maybe Griff wouldn’t even remember him when he came back. And it would give Jeff time to
turn Marcia against him.

  He was upset and, as always when he was unhappy, he wanted to talk to Raul. He couldn’t get out of the house right then, he knew. But he remembered that the teacher had said tomorrow was early dismissal because the teachers had a meeting or something like that. He had carried home that note for Marcia, reading it first, of course, in case it was something about him. But it was just a notice that everyone got. He was so relieved he smiled through his fears and started to hatch a plan. He could meet Raul when Claremont kids got out at 2:45. Marcia would be at work and he’d tell Berta he had to stay late at school for extra math help. If he was careful, no one would know.

  The next day it all seemed to work out exactly as he had hoped. He got out of school at twelve-thirty and had to hang around for a couple of hours until Claremont’s dismissal. He knew because of what happened last time that he’d better not pay a visit to any stores, so he just stopped at a newsstand and bought a Spider-Man comic book and then checked his change and realized he still had enough for a Coke so he stopped at a deli on the corner and took a seat at the counter. He ordered a Coke, which he drank slowly while he read his comic book. Then he went to Central Park and walked around for a while before taking the subway to Claremont, arriving a few minutes before dismissal. He waited in front until he heard the last bell and then crossed the street and watched from a safe distance—he didn’t want to run into anyone he knew—as the kids started to trickle out. First he saw the young ones with their teachers looking for the parents or nannies who picked them up, then the older ones, who came out on their own. He ducked behind a truck when he noticed a bunch of kids from his old class, but there was still no sign of Raul and he shifted impatiently, peering into the group. Some of the kids formed into smaller groups, talking and laughing before they drifted away. It was getting late, but Raul didn’t come out. Danny waited and waited until the last kid had left and still no Raul. It hadn’t occurred to him that Raul might be absent. Maybe he was home sick. He didn’t know what to do. He wanted to go to Raul’s house but what if Raul’s mother was there? That would be just his luck. He didn’t think she’d be home because he knew she worked almost every day, so he decided he would take the train to Raul’s house and try to figure it out when he got there.