"Shhhh. I'm a man, Savi. Touching a beautiful woman excites me, but I'm not going to act on those urges. You're safe with me."
Odd as it seemed, with her in restraints, she did feel safe with him. He'd never done anything to betray her trust. As she relaxed again, his warm, gentle hand stroked the bare skin of her abdomen in long circles, calming her after a time.
Still, she was so numb. She didn't want to be numb anymore.
Anxious to get the scene started, she willed her neck to relax, and her head lolled to the side. Warm lips pressed against the pulse at the side of her neck. His goatee should have tickled her, but she felt nothing.
Numb.
Savi groaned in frustration.
"Breathe, Savita." His warm breath on her ear caused her to open her eyes. Inhaling deeply, she felt something small and hard in his hand pressing against her abdomen. She tried to look down to see what it was, but the collar wouldn't give her that much leeway. Then he removed all doubt as he raised it above her breasts and she saw he held a spring-loaded wooden clothespin. Images of him using it to clamp what for most people would be very sensitive parts of their bodies crossed her mind, but would she even feel it? He'd promised not to play with her genitals, but she hadn't put other sensitive places off-limits, like her nipples. She'd heard the clattering of more than one clothespin in his bag of toys. What did he plan to do with all of them?
With his other hand, he gathered a pinch of skin at her side, near her breast, and squeezed the flesh.
Pinch.
She gasped. While still numb, the clothespin had surprised her. She didn't like surprises.
"Here comes another little pinch." He stood behind her now, and she didn't know where he would attach the next clothespin until he pinched the skin on the opposite side, in about the same place, near her breast. He fastened the wooden pin to her skin. Again, pressure, but no real pain. She felt her skin warming where the clothespins pinched her. He stepped away and she grew cold in the absence of the body heat that had provided so much warmth.
"How are you doing, mi sueño?
"Fine…Sir."
"Now, I am going to continue more rapidly so we can move further into the scene. All you need to do is breathe. In…and out." She heard the rattle of more clothespins, and supposed he was stocking up on them.
For the next several minutes, he continued to pinch the clothespins at regular intervals down her sides, alternating from one side to the other and restocking again when he ran out. He must have applied a couple dozen of them by the time he stopped, just above each of her hips. But he wasn't finished yet. The next one was attached to the underside of her arm. She hissed. That one broke through the numbness a little bit, probably because she'd expected him to continue working down her body. He did the same on the other side, but she anticipated that one better and shut down her pain reflex.
"Savi. Stay with me. You don't have permission to zone out."
She remembered the goal here was for her to feel something, but her old habit had helped her survive for so long that the response was automatic now.
"Focus only on your breathing, Savita."
Easy for him to say. He wasn't under attack from so many fronts at once. Again, she forced her attention back to her inhalations and exhalations.
In. Out.
Damián left her side again and she almost gave in to the fear, but gained control as she made herself breathe in a very regulated manner, the way she'd been taught to work through the contractions as she'd prepared for Mari's birth. She focused her mind on each individual breath she drew and released.
In. Out.
Damián's hands stroked her back from her neck to just above her butt, then moved around to her chest, pressing his arms into the clothespins on her sides. She knew the clothespins must be digging into her flesh, but still felt nothing too terribly uncomfortable.
Just numbness and pressure.
"Savi, when it's time, I'm going to remove the clothespins one at a time. Immediately after each one is removed, I want you to attach a memory associated with a negative emotion—fear, anger, rage. You can scream, cry, swear, or do whatever it takes to release that memory and feel that emotion, but you need to do it aloud and immediately. You need to express it loud and clear in order to take away its power over you."
Savi's mouth grew dry. She shook her head. "No, I don't think I can do this. I don't want to think about those things, much less speak them."
Damián came around her and stood before her, demanding that she meet his gaze without saying a word. "You need to let those memories go so they'll no longer control or hurt you. As long as you hold them back, they hold you back. Even though you aren't consciously thinking about them now, they have held you hostage your entire adult life, possibly most of your childhood."
"I've repressed much of my childhood."
"Then those will be some of the last memories you'll recall during this scene. It will take them longer to surface. But you will release even the most painful of them."
She groaned. He seemed so certain. She'd didn't even think she could remember them, much less speak about them. "Can I just think them? Don't make me say those horrible things out loud, Sir."
Savi didn't want him to know who she was, what she had been. She'd fought hard to hide that part of herself for years.
He reached out and stroked her cheek. "Speaking them is the best way to lessen their power over you. Otherwise, this will just be an exercise in pain for pain's sake. No value. No learning. No healing."
"But I don't feel pain. I don't feel anything."
Damián chuckled and patted her cheek before withdrawing his hand, leaving her face cold. "Oh, you'll definitely feel something before I'm finished, especially as the last pins are removed. The longer they pinch off the blood supply to your skin, the more you'll feel."
He truly expected her to feel something. He would be terribly disappointed when she didn't react at all. For some reason, the thought of disappointing him bothered her almost as much as remembering those events from her past.
"Be my brave girl?"
"I'm not brave. I'm afraid of everything."
"Bullshit. You aren't afraid of me, are you?"
"You haven't hurt me, Sir. Not yet. Please don't ask this of me."
He placed a kiss on her numb cheek and whispered in her ear, "Savi, do you trust me to know what you need? To know what's best to help you?"
I think so.
Yes.
No!
She groaned again in frustration. How could he demand so much so soon? She'd expected him to start slowly, not force her to remember the horrors of the past, much less speak of them. She'd relegated the most traumatic of those memories to the recesses of her mind long ago, right where she wanted them to stay.
"Trust me, Savi?"
If she didn't try this, she'd always wonder if it might have helped. She needed to try this. She nodded.
"I want to hear you say the words."
"I…trust you, Damián…Sir."
"That's my girl."
He pressed his lips against hers briefly. Her eyes stung. She wanted to feel his lips, but…nothing.
His girl. She wasn't his girl, his dream, his anything. Yet, when he spoke of her like that, some broken, damaged piece of her wished she could be his. The realization that a relationship with Damián could never happen left her feeling surprisingly sad.
"I have restrained your arms and legs, Savita, so that you won't be able to move. It's critical that you remain as still as possible so that I don't miss."
Miss what? What had she missed?
"You don't have to worry about doing anything but attaching a memory to each pin as I remove it. ¿Comprende?"
"Yes, Sir."
Her heart pounded, but he brushed his lips across her ear. "I'm so proud of you."
That unfamiliar warmth spread through her again.
"Now, breathe for me, Savita."
In. Out.
He stepped a
way, moving behind her. As the time stretched out without contact, she felt her body craving his touch again. More time passed. Silence. Fear surged to the surface. Where had he gone? Her eyes burned, and she blinked them to ease away the sting.
He'd left her once before. Memories of his abandoning her at her father's house surfaced, but she tamped them down. He hadn't known what he'd delivered her to, what was happening in that perfect-looking mansion.
He wouldn't abandon her here. He'd stayed with her all night long in that hotel room, while she'd slept and recovered from her ordeal with the sadists.
Silence.
As the walls began to close in, Savi drew a ragged breath. "Sir? Are you still there?"
Seconds later, he stood in front of her and placed his hands on the sides of her face forcing her to look at him. She nearly hyperventilated as she refilled her lungs in relief.
"Slow, deep breaths, Savi."
She smiled, almost giddy. "Yes, Sir." She'd been ridiculous to think he'd leave her alone again. Why had she assumed the worst about him?
Because people in the past often had let her down.
He brushed his thumbs across her cheeks. "A responsible Dom or Top never leaves a sub or bottom alone when restrained." He placed yet another soft kiss on her cheek, then pulled back. "Look at me, Savi." She raised her gaze, looking into his deep, fathomless brown eyes.
"There will be times when I want you to spend time in your head, like now. I want you to be thinking about some of the scenes you will release for me soon. Don't you dare even think for a second that I might leave you alone. Okay?"
Part of her wished he meant he'd stay with her forever, but she pushed that impossible thought aside. No one could ever love someone as broken as she was. He just meant he wouldn't leave her during this scene.
"Thank you, Sir."
His lips brushed hers. Tingling. She'd actually felt something! Perhaps because she hadn't anticipated it. Maybe if she let her guard down more, gave herself permission to feel something, this scene actually could do some good.
Savi pictured herself as Damián must see her, naked, arms and legs spread wide, exposed. She hadn't placed herself in such a vulnerable position with a man since she'd regained control of her life and body after escaping her father and Lyle.
Crack!
Savi jumped, much as she had done when she'd first heard him crack the whip last night. Well, given how tightly he'd bound her, she'd barely moved. But her heart pounded in her ears. The sound of the whip popping in the air brought her senses to full alert.
Damián came from behind her. He had recoiled the whip again and held it in his left hand. He walked in front of her, so near he warmed her with his body's heat. He wrapped the whip around her back at waist level. He pulled it from side to side against her back, letting the friction of the leather warm her skin.
"The whip is going to free you, Savi. I don't want you to fear it. I want you to embrace it as it is embracing you right now."
He made this implement of pain and torture sound like a lover. The leather continued to rub against her skin, back and forth. No pain. Just a steady pressure as the friction built a fire beneath her skin. Her knees grew weak. She'd have been lying in a puddle at his feet if not for the arm restraints.
He tugged her body against his and bent to kiss her behind her ear. What would it have felt like if she weren't so numb? She didn't think she really wanted to know. The whip continued to slide against her skin like a snake, then slithered away as he stepped back. Damián's body heat receded, as well, as he pulled away.
His expression grew even more serious; not angry, just concentrating, getting in the zone. He looked down at the whip, checking the handle much like a tennis player adjusts the webbing in a racket, then simply stared at the braided handle as he took several deep breaths. He planted his feet apart, looked up again, and nailed her with his gaze.
"Prepare yourself, Savi."
Prepare? How was she supposed to prepare herself for a whip?
"Have your first negative memory ready and speak it immediately after the whip removes the clothespin. I want you to let go of that memory before the sting recedes."
Wait. He was going to remove them with the whip? "No, wait!" Her body grew tense. He'd cut her to ribbons.
Crack!
She jumped again as the sound of the whip split the air, but he hadn't struck her. Once again, he let the whip crack in the air. The man was just messing with her head.
"Collect the first memories you want to release. The faster you spit them out, the quicker the pins will be removed."
Well, it was good to know she controlled that aspect of the scene. If it hurt too much to release another memory, she'd just stop, or slow down.
"The longer they continue to pinch your skin, the more intense the pain will be when they are removed, regardless of whether they're removed with the whip, or if you safeword, and I need to take them off by hand."
Oh dear lord. She needed to do this quickly then, regardless. But she wasn't going to safeword. Not yet, anyway. She didn't want to disappoint Damián. She tried to think of some of the memories she wanted to release, so she could rattle them off quickly.
"Just as the sting increases in intensity with each one, I want your memories to escalate in the level of power they hold over you. With the release of each one, you'll break another of the shackles that have held your mind and body captive for so long."
"Sir, I don't think I can rank them in order of their power."
He didn't get angry or upset, which relieved her. "Fair enough. Do your best, but releasing the less traumatic ones first will help you build up to the more debilitating ones. It is to your benefit to speak the memories as quickly as possible, release them, and then move on to the next one. Don't let the emotion of the event you're releasing overwhelm you and don't place yourself back in that dark place. Just get the memory out and move on. We'll talk about them more in aftercare."
Savi remembered Patti's aftercare with Victor. She wanted that closeness with someone, but the intimacy she'd witnessed between the other couple scared her spitless.
What had she gotten herself into? She now knew that the longer she waited, the worse it was going to get.
"Ready, Savi?"
Was she? She nodded automatically, then tried to focus on which memory to reveal. She didn't want to remember.
"Excellent. Prepare to release your first memory, Savi."
Would the whip hurt her? He wasn't going to strike her skin, just the clothespins. She wouldn't feel anything. So, what was the point of this exercise again?
Pop!
The sound registered in her brain a second or two before she identified the pressure, followed by heat, just above her right hip. The clothespin snapped shut and clattered to the floor. The last pin he'd applied became the first to be removed.
"Speak, Savi. Now."
In her surprise, her mind had gone blank. Quick! Which memory would she reveal? She thought of a safe one she'd shared with Damián before, on Christmas morning. "Father let Whiskers go outside. He knew my indoor cat would be killed or die, but he didn't care."
By the time the heat from the pinching of her skin had faded away, she immediately tried to think of the next memory. He told her not to dwell on each one.
Even though she hadn't felt pain, she knew it would be difficult for her to use her pain-coping mechanisms with so many unpredictable sensations and memories bombarding her.
"Prepare yourself."
Pop!
He didn't give her much time to think. The next pin on the opposite side. She had to speak quickly. "My feet. The sadists in the penthouse beat the soles of my feet so badly. No one had ever done that to me before." Again, a safe memory. Damián had seen what had happened to her there.
Pop!
Without a verbal warning, the next pin was removed. He was alternating sides, moving up her body in the order those pins had been attached. Knowing the pattern helped her to prepare for th
e next one, but she liked it better when he gave her a verbal warning.
"Speak."
Think! "Those bastards took pictures of me when I was…spread open. I don't like to have anyone touch or look at me there, much less photograph me."
For the next few pins, she revealed more of the abuse that had occurred in her father's hotel. How many more pins were there? How long could she continue to spoon feed Damián more memories of that day, without revealing the ones that held more of an emotional hold over her?
"Let's move to an earlier memory. Tell me about an abusive scene with your father or your handler from the hotel."
God, he was on to her.
Pop!
Savi hissed, feeling the bite this time. He had changed from a predictable pattern, because this was one of the clothespins he'd attached under her arm. Anger boiled up inside her. No! She would not give in to that emotion, knowing it would only lead to a beating. It always did. She took several deep breaths and suppressed her anger, hoping this session would end soon. She couldn't reveal those darker memories. Beads of sweat sprang up along her hairline.
Thwack!
The whip struck again, only this time the tail thudded against her right hip. A half-second later, she felt a stinging pain blooming in her left butt cheek where the tip of the whip had struck her skin. "Ow!" There weren't even any pins there!
"You didn't give up a memory fast enough with that last one. There are consequences to keeping those memories inside, Savita—and I'm not talking about the sting of the whip on your hot little ass, either. Don't hesitate the next time."
She watched him draw the whip back and let it sail toward her. Think!
Pop!
Another pin, this one near her left breast, was released, stinging more than the one on the other side had earlier. He was right. The longer the clothespins remained, the more pain she would feel. Hurry. Think.
Filthy whore.
No!
You wanted it!
Nooo! I didn't!
Pop!
The raw emotion made her throat burn, closing off her words, but she fought to get them out. "Maman left me alone with him. She didn't want me anymore." While she'd revealed to Damián earlier that her mother had left her, she hadn't shared her feelings of rejection.
Nobody's Perfect Page 27