I reach for the handle on the window. I don’t mean to. It feels like an automatic reaction.
But then the pain. Scorching, debilitating pain ripping through my stomach.
Oh God. The baby’s coming.
I lose sight of you just as another contraction rips through me.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Estelle tried to organise the jumbled thoughts inside her head.
She’d run from away from Aiden, into the darkness of an empty Borough Market. The stalls stood still and quiet, a crow pecking at a discarded piece of meat on the ground.
She reached into her pocket with trembling hands, opening Alice’s letter, knowing what it was – her suicide letter. Estelle had never seen it before. She had left so soon afterwards, consumed by guilt not only for the daughter she’d given away but for the foster sister she had baited to protect her family, not knowing that Alice would take a more drastic step than simply leaving Lillysands like Estelle had planned. It had not been what she had intended, never what she intended, but she was only a child, and she had been so consumed by jealousy and worry for Max and Autumn, and the home she thought Alice was trying to take from her.
As Estelle had spotted Alice that day on the cliff edge, she had realised she’d taken it too far and was going to call out to Alice, to stop her … but never got the chance.
Estelle wiped a tear from her eye and looked at the letter.
To anybody who still cares,
The next time you’ll see me, I’ll be in the sea.
God, that sounds so dramatic, doesn’t it? But it’s the truth. As I sit here writing this note, looking out to the water. It seems like the most simple option.
I’m tired.
I’m so tired of being let down by the people I love the most. Who I really thought loved me the most.
Just when I feel I’m safe and in the arms of people who might finally accept me for who I am – make me feel I belong – trust is snatched away again.
What’s the point? If at every single turn I’m rejected?
Maybe I could have carried on if I knew there was someone left, anyone, who I could say for sure loved me. I once thought there was.
But I was wrong.
At least none of you will need to try so hard to get rid of me now. At least I’ve saved you that last bit of trouble.
Goodbye and I’m sorry, for whatever it is I did.
Alice x
Estelle closed her eyes, the image of Alice standing at the edge of the cliff that day coming to her. If only she’d stopped her, begged her forgiveness.
She heard movement. She looked up to see Aiden walking towards her. Above him, the moon was a wicked crescent smile, the leaves on the trees stirring slowly.
‘How did you find out about the notes I left Alice?’ she asked.
‘Alice’s diary,’ Aiden said. ‘I found it in the silver box in the tree burrow.’
‘But – but I found that box. There was no diary in there.’
‘Because I took it. I put the box back just as it was – minus the diary.’ He looked Estelle in the eye, his own green eyes hard. ‘She guessed you wrote those threatening notes to her the day she died, Stel. That’s why she jumped. She wrote all about it, every single sickening detail and kept each and every note.’
Estelle backed away from him, shaking her head.
Alice had known?
The thought was unbearable. She looked at the restaurant, and thought of all her guests. What if they found out?
‘You killed her. You killed our sister,’ Aiden said. ‘I just need you to admit it.’
‘I didn’t! She jumped.’
‘But why? Why did she jump, Stel?’
Estelle couldn’t bear to answer that. She leaned against a wall, trying to wrap her head around the fact Alice had known it was Estelle who had sent her the threatening photos. The thought Alice hadn’t known was the one small comfort Estelle had taken after she learnt Alice had committed suicide.
But Alice had known. And now Estelle had to live with that.
‘I – I was just fifteen,’ she said quickly. ‘My head was a mess with pregnancy hormones and I’d overheard Max telling Peter Alice might destroy them with some kind of information she found. He said they might lose the house, move somewhere else. That Alice and I wouldn’t be able to go with them. I now know that was about the landslide. If I’d known …’
‘Don’t make excuses,’ he said. ‘You wrote those notes. You took the photos.’
A car swooshed by, its headlights in Estelle’s eyes. She put her hand over her face, turning away. He was right, it was just an excuse.
Applause sounded from inside. Estelle thought of her editor on stage talking to the crowds.
What if Aiden told them all?
She turned back to Aiden. ‘Please don’t say anything.’
He laughed bitterly, shaking his head. ‘You never learn, do you? It’s all about protecting yourself.’
‘And what about you? What’s this all about for you, Aiden?’ Her voice was shaking, her teeth chattering. ‘I presume it’s been you all along, sending me those photos, those flowers?’ He nodded and she wrapped her arms around herself, unable to comprehend it. Then something else dawned on her. ‘Did you suggest Poppy’s charity be used at the festival too?’
‘Yes, anonymously via the website.’
‘To play mind games with me.’
‘To remind you what you gave up.’
‘We slept together, that night at the B&B,’ she whispered.
His jaw hardened. ‘It was a mistake.’
‘But there was real feeling there. I know there was, Aiden.’
‘You loved Alice, didn’t you? But you were still able to hurt her,’ he said.
He held her gaze but she looked away.
‘What about Poppy?’ Estelle asked. ‘Did – did you take the photos of her?’
‘Yes.’
Estelle frowned. ‘So you found out about her before I told you?’
He nodded. ‘I read about it in Alice’s diary when I found it last year.’ His jaw clenched. ‘I was so angry. I’d never felt such anger. For you to have given our daughter away without even giving me a chance.’
‘I explained that. I was—’
He put his hand up. ‘No more excuses.’
She swallowed her words away. ‘How did you find Poppy?’
‘A hunch. I knew how desperate my parents were for money at the time she would have been born and remembered one of Mum’s old school friends – a school friend who happened to be married to a rich TV presenter – was struggling to have a baby. It all clicked into place.’ His face softened slightly. ‘The moment I saw Poppy’s photo after tracking them down on Facebook, I knew she was mine.’
‘So you contacted her through Facebook?’
He nodded. ‘I didn’t tell her I was her father at first. But after she told me what arseholes her parents are – sending her off to boarding school, barely paying attention to her – I had to tell her the truth. That’s the difference between you and me, Stel.’ He looked her up and down. ‘I tell the truth.’
She couldn’t help but laugh. ‘But look at all the lies you’ve told me!’
His face hardened. ‘Because I had to.’
‘As did I,’ Estelle said in resignation.
‘No, you didn’t.’
She looked up at him. ‘I thought I was protecting the only family I ever really knew. I thought I was protecting myself.’
‘All selfish.’ Maybe he was right. But she had been a mixed-up teenager when she’d done all that. Aiden was an adult now.
Estelle peered up at the crescent moon, trying to gather her thoughts. ‘Did you tell Poppy about me?’
‘Not at first,’ Aiden replied. ‘Why would I want her to know you were her mother, the person who killed a fourteen-year-old?’
Estelle flinched. ‘Stop saying that. I didn’t kill Alice.’ But deep down, that was the guilt she had carried, the knowledge t
hat the photos she’d sent to Alice had driven her to suicide. Perhaps that was why she was so quick to let herself believe Alice might have been pushed.
‘She committed suicide because of what you did,’ Aiden said, voicing her fears. ‘You might as well have pushed her. I bet she thought that as she stood on that cliff after finding out what you’d done. Almost like you were reaching out and shoving her yourself.’
Estelle felt nausea work its way up inside as she remembered seeing Alice from the window of her bedroom. She’d been so close to opening the window and calling out to her. If she had, would things have been different?
‘So Poppy came to Lillysands then?’ Estelle said.
Aiden nodded.
‘I knew it,’ Estelle said. ‘That’s who I saw, wasn’t it? The figure with the long red hair?’
Again, Aiden nodded. ‘She turned up in Lillysands one day after finding out where I lived.’
‘The day she ran away?’
‘Yes.’ He smiled. ‘That was quite some day, seeing her walk down the beach. I knew it was her, instantly.’
‘What’s she like?’ Estelle yearned to know. It blew her mind to know Aiden had met their daughter.
His eyes lit up. ‘Beautiful. Clever. Intense, like you were back then.’ Then his eyes filled with sadness. ‘But mixed up too, angry. A beautiful disaster like you once were. Maybe still are.’
Estelle’s heart sank. She closed her eyes. ‘Oh Poppy,’ she whispered.
Aiden sighed. ‘When I found out she’d run away, I tried to convince her to return home but she refused. Stubborn as anything, that one. So she stayed at mine for a couple of days while I tried to figure things out.’
Estelle thought back to then. ‘But I was at your house.’
‘She wasn’t staying there then. I actually thought she’d gone back home; she’d disappeared while I was at Mum’s party; I’d gone home to get my guitar and saw she was gone.’
‘That’s why you were so upset at the party?’
Aiden nodded. ‘I was out of my mind with worry, especially when I didn’t see any official news about her going home later that night. Turns out, she remained in Lillysands, just didn’t want me to know. She wanted to track her real mother down. That’s why you saw her in the garden the next day, watching us.’
Estelle’s heart ached at the thought of Poppy desperately trying to find her birth mother, watching Aiden for any clue.
Estelle felt tears slide down her cheeks. ‘Did Poppy ever find out I’m her mother?’
‘Yes, she figured it out. She texted me, said she knew it was you, that she’d been following you and could see how much you both looked like each other.’
Estelle closed her eyes, the knowledge unbearable. ‘How did you get the Polaroid photo to me in London?’ Estelle asked.
‘I bribed the butcher’s son. I’d seen photos of him and his dad on their stall on your Instagram. In one of your captions you mentioned your weekly deliveries. It was easy enough to track him down, ask him to slip in the little note for fifty quid. He had no idea what was inside, of course.’
Estelle examined his face. ‘Sounds like a lot of planning went into this little game of yours.’
‘Not really, it was rather impulsive. Watching Poppy, seeing what a mess she was, it made me even more angry at you. Two girls’ lives ruined by you. And yet there you were, in all those articles with your smiley face and perfect life.’ He curled his hands into fists, shaking his head. ‘I had to do something.’
‘So you thought you’d take some sneaky photos of your daughter while she was upset then send it to me with those horrible words?’
‘They were your words, Stel. Messages you sent to Alice!’
Estelle paused. He was right. ‘But to use our daughter like that.’
‘Not really, she had no idea. And I wasn’t the one who gave her away, was I?’
‘Have you spoken to her since?’
He nodded. ‘A few times, on the phone. She knows everything now.’
Estelle went still. ‘Everything? What – what do you mean?’
‘About Alice.’
Estelle’s stomach dropped. ‘But why?’
‘The truth. She deserves it.’
‘How did she react?’
Aiden’s eyes filled with sadness. ‘Not great.’
Estelle sunk down onto a nearby brick wall, shaking her head as tears filled her eyes. ‘She hates me.’
Aiden frowned. ‘No, Stel. She’s just trying to process everything.’
She looked up at him. ‘You hate me. Why not her?’
‘I don’t hate you. I just need you to admit the truth. Being pure isn’t about all this,’ he said, gesturing around at the restaurant where the party was still taking place. ‘It’s up here,’ he said, tapping his temple. ‘The guilt. The shame. You need to accept you’re not perfect, that you never will be, that’s when the slate will truly be clean. I did this for you, Stel. That’s what it turned into by the end of our few days together in Lillysands last month. I ended up wanting to save you.’ She saw a flicker of affection in his eyes.
‘Estelle?’ Estelle turned to see Kim standing awkwardly by the door. ‘I think Silvia’s running out of things to say now.’
Estelle stood up, smoothing her dress down. ‘Give me a few more minutes.’
Kim sighed. ‘Okay.’
When she left, Estelle turned back to Aiden. She felt winded, head spinning with it all. For so many years, she’d kept the guilt buried away. But now it was out, exposed. It made her feel like her nerves were exposed too, that her skin had been stripped away to reveal the very core of her.
And maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing? The burden of guilt she’d shouldered all these years felt a little lighter. And the knowledge Aiden knew everything, Poppy too. Yes, at first that thought horrified her. But now? It felt right. The two most important people in her life knew her for what she truly was.
And that was what Aiden had wanted for her ultimately, despite the twisted way he went about it.
Aiden sighed slightly, as though he could sense her thoughts. ‘It feels better, doesn’t it? Being truthful. Having it all out in the open.’
‘Yes,’ she admitted.
He stepped towards her. ‘I know you think I’m unbelievably cruel for doing this. But I know you, Stel. I know you more than anyone. Reading all those articles about you, seeing those photos of you, sure it made me angry. But I could also see you’ve been desperate to start again. And yet how could you, with all those secrets and lies? Now they are out in the open, you can truly begin again, can’t you?’
Estelle peered in at the stage. ‘Not truly out in the open.’
Aiden frowned.
Kim walked out again. ‘I am so sorry, but …’
‘It’s fine, I’m coming,’ Estelle said.
‘Thank you,’ she whispered to Aiden. Yes, he had been cruel. But the way she was feeling now, open and raw and true, was better than she’d felt in a long time.
There was just one thing left to do.
She walked slowly to the stage, feeling as though her legs were made from rubber. People’s smiles turning to frowns as they noticed the look on Estelle’s face. Was it so obvious? She’d grown so adept at hiding how she felt, but now it was all on display and she couldn’t rein it in.
Her editor mouthed a ‘What’s going on?’ at her as they exchanged places at the lectern. But Estelle didn’t reply. Instead, she clutched onto the lectern and looked out towards the crowds: her editor and agent, her friends.
And Aiden – who was no longer alone. Beside him stood a young woman.
Poppy.
Estelle’s heart started thundering as she looked into her daughter’s eyes. She was beautiful in the flesh, hair long like Estelle’s had once been, back to its natural brown colour too. But her eyes were sad, dark circles beneath them.
Estelle felt a heady mixture of guilt and love explode within her. She wanted to run to her but knew she couldn’t; tha
t she didn’t deserve to. First, she had to make amends. She had to really get everything out in the open.
She coughed then leaned down to the microphone. ‘Sorry about that. Saw an old friend. Anyway, let’s get on, shall we?’ She paused, taking a quick sip of water. Then she picked up one of her books, eyes still on Poppy. ‘Pure is the title of my book,’ she said. ‘Which is interesting as they say cleanliness is next to godliness. And yet no matter how much I try to clean myself, I don’t think I’m anywhere near that. You see,’ Estelle said, finding her voice now. ‘I have kept something trampled down inside me. A truth that – that is so very far from the pure façade I like to show you all.’ She pursed her lips, tears flooding her eyes. ‘Fifteen years ago, I did two things, two terrible things. I betrayed one girl and—’ She paused, taking in a deep shuddery breath as she watched Poppy struggle to contain her emotions. ‘I gave another away. A beautiful special baby girl who is now a beautiful special teenage girl. Something I have regretted all my life.’
People around the room gasped, her editor and publicist exchanging panicked looks. But Estelle kept her eyes on her daughter whose brown eyes were now flooded with tears, her red lip caught in her teeth, something Estelle did too when she tried not to cry. God, they were so alike. But Estelle hoped against hope that was where their similarities ended.
‘When I say betrayed,’ Estelle continued, ‘I mean I drove a girl to suicide. A beautiful girl called Alice. All for selfish reasons. For jealousy. Spite.’
Her editor walked up to her. ‘Estelle, maybe you should stop now.’
‘No,’ Estelle said, shaking her head. ‘I won’t stop. I am so sick of hiding the truth with – with kale smoothies and spiralised courgettes. I am impure and I fucked up, big time. I’m sorry, Alice. I’m sorry, Aiden.’ She looked at her daughter, holding her gaze. ‘And I’m so sorry, Poppy.’
Poppy let out a sob and ran from the room.
‘Wait!’ Estelle called out. She scrambled down the steps and ran through the crowd after her daughter. But Aiden grabbed her arm at the door.
‘Give her time,’ he said.
‘Did you know she was coming to the party?’ she asked, watching as her daughter headed into the darkness, fighting the urge to run after her.
Her Last Breath Page 27