Since Forever Ago

by Olivia Besse

  Twenty

  “Did you know that ‘dog food lid’ spelled backwards is ‘dildo of God’?”

  Max turned to Riley with a perplexed look on his face. “Huh?”

  Approximately forty-eight hours had passed since The Great Pimple Incident of Thursday Afternoon, and Max and Riley were finally out on their first official date. The two were seated at a patio table in the secluded corner of a trendy restaurant, a far cry from the beat-up sofa from which they had sat through six entire hours of twisted crime drama episodes just a few nights prior.

  Though being there with Max should have allowed Riley to feel relaxed, the romantic setting caused her anxiety to go into overdrive instead. The waiter had barely cleared their plates before Riley had proceeded to nervously talk out of her ass now that they had exhausted most everyday conversation topic options, her mind preoccupied with sorting out the rules of attraction that Evan and Max had taught her over the past few weeks.

  Fuck, should I not have said that? Riley frantically wondered as she analyzed Max’s confused expression. You’re such a dumbass, Benson! Quick! Say something clever! Or tell him something to impress him! Say something! Anything!

  “I ate, like, three entire burritos this morning.”

  What.

  The.

  Fuck.

  “What?” Max asked as he held back a snort of laughter.

  “I mean, I needed my carbs. To go to the gym. To lift weights,” she babbled on, forcing a pained smile onto her face. “Bro.”

  For the love of all that is good in the world, please rip your voice box out.

  Just fucking rip the entire thing out.

  NOW.

  “Are you... are you trying to impress me right now?”

  “What? No!”

  “Then why are you telling me all of that?” Max asked, failing miserably in his attempt to stifle another laugh.

  “I just... er... um...”

  “You know that everything we told you was bullshit, right?” Max divulged, breaking out into a goofy grin.

  “What?”

  “All that crap on how to attract guys? Bullshit.”

  “So you lied to me?” Riley demanded, her mouth slightly agape.

  “Did you really eat three burritos this morning?” Max countered, shooting her a pointed stare. “And when was the last time you even went to the gym?”

  “Stop trying to change the subject!”

  “I... I didn’t want you to meet someone else,” he confessed, looking at her with an amused expression. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

  What?

  “It obviously worked out, though, didn’t it?”

  “Why would you do that!” Riley hissed, her face growing hot in mortification.

  No wonder all of those guys had stared at her as if she were crazy! There she had been, telling them all about her cardio routines and beer-chugging abilities, swearing like an inmate and belching like a drunk homeless man, patting herself on the back for being so relatable and easygoing when they had probably been thinking to themselves that she was a gross slob. Were Max and Evan insane?

  “Why does it matter?” Max asked, not even bothering to hide the smirk that formed on his lips. “It’s not like you even liked any of the guys we set you up with.”

  “But what if I did?”

  “Did you?”

  “Well, no...”

  “Do you like me?” he asked, another cocky smirk on his face.

  “Ha!” she cried out a bit too shrilly. “Hardly!”

  “Lie or no lie?” Max challenged, leaning forward across the table with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

  “We’re not five anymore, Max!”

  “Lie,” he repeated, an amused grin on his face. “Or no lie?”

  “No lie!” she blurted out. “No lie times infinity!”

  “Yup, definitely not five anymore,” he mused sarcastically as the server dropped off his receipt. “Wanna grab a drink?”

  “A beer maybe?” Riley instinctively blurted out, only to mentally kick herself once the words entered her ears.

  Did he not just explain to you that he and Evan had been lying? Why would you suggest that? You hate beer! Are you an idiot?

  “A drink that you actually enjoy?” Max asked with a laugh. “You don’t have to try to work your game on me,” he added as they rose up from their seats. “I’m already impressed.”

  Aggggggggh.

  Once they arrived at the dimly lit cocktail lounge around the corner, Riley gave herself a mini pep talk as Max went to go procure their drinks.

  All right, Benson. No more bullshit. Just be yourself! It’s Max! Just because you’re dressed up and he smells good and you did your hair and he’s acting like a gentleman doesn’t mean that you need to freak out like this! Cool, calm, collected, she chanted to herself, just as she had been doing in her head since he had picked her up earlier that evening. You’re fierce. You’re classy! You are unfazeable.

  But as she saw Max turn around and shoot her a tiny smile, she felt her entire brain melt into a puddle at the mere sight of how cute he looked. Oh, fuck this. You’re a mess! You’re weak! You have obviously been fazed.

  God, I hope he got me the strongest drink on the menu.

  In an attempt to drown out her overwhelming thoughts, she pulled out her phone in hopes to distract herself, only to be met with a barrage of notification shining back at her from her screen.

  Audrey Lee

  hows ur date?

  ru in love yet?

  omg txt us from the bathroom plzzzzzzz

  liz wants to know if you picked out ur engagement ring yet

  if u dont keep me updated i will literally die

  “Looking up more lame pickup lines?” Max’s voice called out, causing her to quickly power off the screen and shove the phone in her bag.

  “What? No!”

  “I was just kidding,” he teased, handing her one of the glasses in his hands. “Relax, dude.”

  “I am relaxed,” she shot back, taking a long sip before choking on the bitter taste. “Relaxed as a lobster.”

  A lobster?

  “You need to stop overthinking everything,” Max said as he took the seat next to her. “Just go with the flow.”

  “I’m flowing.”

  Oh God.

  “I need another drink,” she announced, pushing her now empty glass towards him.

  “You finished already?” Max asked, an incredulous look on his face. “We just got here!”

  “Fine, I’ll go get it myself.”

  “No, I’ll get it,” Max insisted, signaling for her to stay seated. “What do you want?”

  “Double whiskey. Neat.”

  “I told you that you don’t need to try to impress me, remember?” Max reminded her with a laugh.

  “Oh, trust me,” Riley muttered in response. “This isn’t for you.”

  With more than a few ounces of liquid courage coursing through her veins, Riley was soon joking freely with Max, talking shit about their mutual friends and reminiscing about their childhood antics just like they had always done. “Remember that time you dared me to eat that entire can of frosting when we were, like, seven? And then I threw up all over Taylor’s lap?” she sighed out, grinning as she recalled the look of horror that had flashed across her older sister’s face. “Fuck, we were awesome.”

  Of course, she hadn’t been aware of just how much she was imbibing as she and Max continued on with their banter, and Riley was soon completely plastered, practically slipping off of her stool as the bartender announced that it was time for last call.

  “Are you okay?” Max asked, an amused, yet concerned, grin on his face as he lunged for her elbow to help steady her as she got up from her seat.

  “I’m fine!” she insisted in a voice that was a bit too loud and a tad too shrill. “Just great!”

  “I don’t know...”

  “What are we doing now?” Riley asked, looking up at him with a sneaky smi
le. “Any ideas?”

  “Do you want to watch a movie?” Max nonchalantly asked as they reached his car, pulling out the oldest trick in The Bro Handbook for getting a girl to agree to come over. “I have a couple on my computer.”

  “Sure,” Riley drawled out. “‘A movie’ sounds great,” she added in air quotes, obviously unaware of how blasted she truly was.

  “Haha... yea,” Max added, nervously clearing his throat as he started the engine.

  “You don’t have to run your game on me, Maximillian Fletcher,” she sang out in a taunting tone. “I’m already impressed.”

  With each flash of the streetlights that they drove past, Riley could see that his cheeks had turned pink, which only served to fuel her confidence to tease him even more. “Are you getting shy? Am I making you nervous?”

  “No way,” he breezily replied, making it a point to keep his eyes on the road. “Not even.”

  “Fine,” she said with a pout, eyeing him in interest as if he had just propositioned her with the challenge to make him as uncomfortable as possible. “Let’s talk about something fun. How about... sex?”

  “Se... sex?”

  “Sex is so weird, don’t you think?”

  “Uh...”

  “Like, I wonder how it was even discovered,” she went on, glancing over at him with a smirk. “Do you think a caveman just went up to some chick and was like, ‘Hey, let’s try out this crazy idea I had’?”

  “That’s... that’s a possibility.”

  “Do you think he grunted it?”

  “Huh?”

  “The caveman,” Riley said matter-of-factly. “You know, since they couldn’t talk or whatever.”

  “Oh. I guess.”

  “Speaking of which, whose idea do you think it was to talk dirty during sex?” Riley babbled out, obviously trying to push his buttons. “After we learned to speak English and everything, I mean.”

  “What?” Max sputtered out before visibly gulping down the lump that had formed in his throat.

  “You know. Who do you think invented it?”

  “Invented it...?”

  “As in, who do you think was the Father of Dirty Talk?” Riley continued, nodding at him as if doing so would clarify the question at hand. “Or maybe the Mother? Nah, it had to be a guy.”

  “...”

  “Think about it! Like how people say shit like, ‘Ooh yea, you bad boy,’ or ‘Have you been a naughty girl today?’” Riley explained, drunkenly cocking her head as she thought about it a bit more. “It’s so random. Or is it?”

  “Uh...”

  “Like, why don’t people say things like ‘Your bed sheets feel like butter,’ or ‘I really respect you’ or something,” she prattled on. “At least that first one’s slightly applicable. And the second one’s, like, the highest compliment you could pay to another human being.”

  Max turned his gaze away from the road and peered over at her with an indecipherable expression on his face. “I guess so.”

  “I bet you could just say anything, so long as you said it in that voice, you know?” Riley mused, smiling seductively as she turned her head towards him. “Encyclopedia.”

  “What?” Max asked as he let out a snort of laughter. “Dude, you’re trashed.”

  “Am not!” Riley insisted defiantly. “I only had, what? Two, three, four... four drinks!” she added, holding up the four fingers that she had used to tally her alcohol consumption for the evening.

  “Obviously three too many,” he teased. “Forget the movie. I’m taking you home.”

  “Why?” Riley asked, scoffing in disapproval. “I don’t want to go home!”

  What the fuck? Why is he taking me home? I’ve been waiting all day for this! Riley grumbled to herself in disbelief. I got a fucking wax for this! My crotch was literally ravaged for this! Does he not care about the sacrifices I made?

  “You’re wasted. You’re probably going to throw up on my lap,” Max joked, glancing over at her scowling face in amusement.

  “But I didn’t even eat frosting!”

  “Are your roommates at home?” he asked, ignoring her cries of protest.

  Did I do something wrong? Was it something I said? Did he not like my “dog food lid” line? she frantically pondered. Stupid Benson, why the hell did you have to go and say something like that? “Dog food lid”?! Fucking idiot.

  Or maybe he just realized that he doesn’t actually like me. Oh my God, he changed his mind, didn’t he? I can see it on his face. He’s totally sick of me! And now we can’t even be friends anymore because we broke the cardinal rule of friendship. Now who am I going to drag with me to watch lame movies or eat bad Chinese food or visit the—

  “Riley?”

  “Do you not want to hang out with me anymore?” Riley blurted out, her brow furrowed in confusion. “You don’t want to watch a movie with me?”

  “Of course I... want to watch a movie with you,” Max sighed out, reaching over for her hand reassuringly. “I just... you’re not really in the state to... watch movies right now.”

  Oh. Phew.

  “But I am!” she insisted before letting out a whiskey-scented sigh.

  “No, you’re in an ‘eat-a-plate-of-nachos-and-knock-the-fuck-out’ kind of state,” he told her with a tiny smile. “You’ve gone over to the dark side.”

  “But I don’t want nachos,” she whined, flicking his hand away in annoyance.

  “Dude, everyone wants nachos. Always.”

  “This is the worst date ever,” she drawled out sullenly once he had pulled up in front of her apartment.

  “You’re welcome,” he said with a chuckle, leaning over and planting a light kiss on her forehead.

  Riley scrunched up her face, seemingly smiling, glaring and frowning at him, all at once. “You are not impressing me right now, Max Fletcher,” she informed him in a bratty tone as she reached for the door handle. “Not one bit.”

  Twenty-one

  “I just don’t get it. Her face was completely blank the entire time I was talking.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Dude? Are you even listening?”

  “What?” Max distractedly replied upon hearing his name.

  “About Riley,” Noah continued, shaking his head in confusion. “She didn’t even want to hear anything that I had to say.”

  “I mean, can you blame her?” Max asked with a frown.

  “Well, no, but she should still care at least a little bit, you know?” Noah said, sighing dramatically as he set down his free weights. “How could she just drop me like that?”

  “You kind of dropped her like that...”

  “And then I found out that there’s another guy! Can you believe that?”

  “She said that?” Max quickly asked, his curiosity piqued.

  She told him there was another guy? She rejected him for another guy? As in, she picked the other guy over him?

  Wait, I’m the other guy, right? Does that mean that she picked me over him? She really chose me over Noah?

  “I had to ask her myself, but yea,” Noah replied, snarling slightly at the thought. “Did she tell you who it is?”

  Max shook his head a bit too fervently, coughing uneasily as he turned his attention back to his leg presses. “No idea.”

  “Are you sure? Have you seen her lately?”

  “Well, around...”

  “I’m such an idiot,” Noah groaned out as he continued his arm reps. “I never should’ve cheated on her.”

  “Yea...”

  “I’m never taking advice from you ever again,” Noah jokingly stated, though a hint of bitterness could still be detected in his voice.

  “Me?” Max blurted out, the heavy weights attached to his machine slamming down loudly. “How are you going to blame this on me?”

  So, yes, technically he had advised Noah to go along with his itch to mess around with other girls. But that didn’t mean that any of this was his fault, right? It wasn’t as if he had forced Noah to cheat on Ri
ley.

  No way, Max reassured himself, shaking his head slightly as he let out a deep breath. This is all on him. It wasn’t even like I was the one to suggest it. He was the one who downloaded that fucking app!

  “I was kidding,” Noah said with a puzzled look on his face. “Chill.”

  Max let out a nervous laugh before clearing his throat and hopping off of his seat. Stop freaking out, Fletcher, he urged himself, picking up a dumbbell in each hand and concentrating his energy on his workout. It’s not your fault. You did nothing wrong! Don’t let Noah put any of it on you.

  “But, still, you could’ve talked some sense into me once it started getting so bad,” Noah went on, oblivious to how quiet Max had become. “She’s your friend too.”

  “I don’t know, man,” Max mumbled, unsure of how to respond. “It’s your life, not mine.”

  “Do you think it’s over?” Noah asked, his brow furrowed in concern. “Do you think I even have a chance anymore?”

  Max shrugged his shoulders, his stomach churning in unease. “I don’t know what to tell you.”

  Damn right, you don’t know what to tell him, he couldn’t help but think to himself. You don’t know what to tell your best fucking friend about his ex-girlfriend since you’re the shady bastard who’s trying to get at her. This is a fucking mess. What the hell are you going to do once he finds out?

  “Why don’t you just get with one of those girls you were talking to?” Max casually suggested, grabbing for his water bottle as they began making their way to the locker room. “Or can’t you just move on with some other chick?”

  Noah shook his head dejectedly. “No,” he began with a frown. “I don’t want any of them. I want Riley.”

  “Do you think this might just be a case of wanting something you can’t have?” Max asked, letting out an annoyed sigh. “That maybe you just want her back because she doesn’t want you anymore?”

  What was Noah’s problem? Couldn’t he just make up his mind? He had spent the last couple of years complaining about how dramatic or neurotic or flighty or whatever Riley was acting like all of the damn time. In fact, Max could easily recount more than a few occasions on which Noah had considered dumping Riley over stupid misunderstandings or petty arguments.