Surprised, the priest says, “Please, I am a man of the cloth, such language offends me.”
Embarrassed at his outburst, the guide tries to cover it up by saying, “No, you don’t understand. That’s the name of the fish. It’s called a ‘son of a bitch!’”
“Oh, I see,” says the priest as he smiles at the big fish.
The priest goes back to the rectory, goes into the kitchen, and puts the fish on the counter. The altar boy comes in and the priest says to him proudly, “Will you look at this son of a bitch!”
The altar boy, taken aback, says, “Father, I’ve never heard language like that from you!”
“No, no,” says the priest. “That’s the name of the fish, a ‘son of a bitch.’”
“Oh,” says the altar boy, smiling. “I’ll clean the son of a bitch!”
As the altar boy is cleaning the fish, the Mother Superior comes into the kitchen and the altar boy says, “Hey, Mother Superior, look at this son of a bitch!”
“Young man,” says the Mother Superior sternly, “this is a house of the Lord and such language is not permitted!”
“Relax,” says the priest to the Mother Superior, “that’s the name of the fish. It’s called a ‘son of a bitch.’”
“Oh,” says the Mother Superior. “Well, I’ll cook the son of a bitch!”
The Pope arrives, and after a tour of the village and the church, the priest, the Mother Superior, the altar boy, and the guest of honor, the Pope, sit down for dinner.
All eyes are on the Pope as he eats. After two bites of the fish, he exclaims, “This is the best fish I have ever eaten!”
The priest says, “I caught the son of a bitch!”
The altar boy says, “I cleaned the son of a bitch!”
The Mother Superior says, “I cooked the son of a bitch!”
The Pope looks at all three and says with a smile, “Hey, you fuckers are all right!”
Did you hear about the new low-fat communion wafer? It’s called “I can’t believe it’s not Jesus!”
An old couple die at the very same time and go to heaven. They are greeted by God himself. “Welcome! Come on in and enjoy!”
They walk down a beautiful path that passes a beautiful golf course. They both agree to play eighteen holes.
From the first hole on, after every shot, the old man grumbles and swears terribly. He grumbles and swears on the front nine and he swears and grumbles on the back nine as well.
Finally the old lady can’t take it anymore. She turns to her husband and says, “What is with you? You have either parred or birdied every hole here. When we were on Earth, you never broke one hundred! Why are you so pissed off?”
The old man looks at her and says, “If you hadn’t put me on a low-fat, low-cholesterol diet, I’d have been here fifteen years ago!”
Why do golfers bring two pairs of shoes?
In case they get a hole in one.
I had to put this one in. I just had to.
A little boy runs home and says, “Daddy, Daddy, I got a part in the school play!”
“What part do you have?” asks the proud father.
“I play a Jewish husband!” says the smiling boy.
“Son,” says the father, “go back and get a speaking role!”
A guy walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I have a problem.”
“What’s the trouble?” asks the doctor.
The guy says, “My asshole is 16 1/2 inches in diameter and I’m getting worried.”
The doctor says, “What?”
“My asshole,” the guy says, “is 16 1/2 inches in diameter and I’m worried about it.”
“Follow me,” says the doctor, and they both go into the examining room. The doctor says, “Take off your clothes, bend over, and let’s take a look.”
The guy takes off his clothes and bends over. The doctor takes one look at the guy’s butt and yells, “Holy shit! Your asshole is 16 1/2 inches wide! What the hell happened!”
The guy says, “Well, I was on safari in Africa and a bunch of rogue elephants attacked our group, and, well, one of the rogue elephants had sex with me.”
“Now wait a minute,” says the doctor. “I think it is common knowledge that, although it is long, an elephant’s penis is not 16 1/2 inches in diameter.”
“Well,” says the guy, shyly, “he fingered me first.”
What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?
Pokémon.
How do you get a roomful of blue-haired
old ladies to say “fuck”?
Yell out “Bingo!”
Quasimodo’s mother brings out the wok.
“Oh boy,” says Quasimodo, “I love Chinese food!”
“No, you idiot,” says his mother, “I’m ironing your shirts!”
If you are dyslexic and cross-eyed, do you read right?
A cowboy goes into a bar and orders a drink. He has on a cowboy hat, cowboy shirt, and cowboy boots with spurs and chaps.
A woman sitting next to him asks, “Are you a real cowboy?”
“Well,” the cowboy says, “I’ve been ranching all my life, riding horses, roping steer, branding cows, and mending fences. Yes, I’m a real cowboy. How about you?”
The woman says, “Well, when I wake up in the morning, I think of women. During breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I’m thinking of women. All day long and all night long, I’m thinking of women, and when I sleep, I dream of women. I’m a lesbian!” She finishes her drink, then leaves.
The cowboy is perplexed.
A couple comes in and sits down next to the cowboy. The woman says to the cowboy, “Are you a real cowboy?”
“Well,” says the cowboy, “I thought I was a cowboy. Now I think I’m a lesbian!”
What do men and buses have in common?
They both stop before you get off.
Why did God create women?
He couldn’t teach sheep to cook.
Why did God create men?
Because a dildo can’t mow the lawn.
Hear about the gay guy who put a nicotine patch
on his dick?
He’s down to two butts a day.
How do you know you are in a gay church?
Only half of the congregation is kneeling.
Why does a gay group want to buy the
New York Jets?
Because the team has two tight ends and
forty players who suck.
Here’s one for all you animal rights activists…
A baby seal walks into a club…
A blind guy walks into a nightclub and starts swinging his dog around. The bouncer runs up to him and says, “What the hell are you doing?”
“Just looking around,” says the blind guy.
Hear about the bartender who was married three times and all three wives died?
The first wife died of food poisoning. They found out it was poison mushrooms that killed her. The second wife died of food poisoning, too. Same thing, poison mushrooms.
The third wife died of a gunshot to the head.
She wouldn’t eat the fucking mushrooms!
What’s the difference between a bitch
and a slut?
A slut will fuck anybody. A bitch
will fuck anybody except you.
In corporate offices, why do blondes have
a half hour for lunch instead of one hour
like everyone else?
It costs too much to retrain them.
What do puppy dogs and nearsighted
gynecologists have in common?
They both have wet noses.
An Irishman is walking down the street in Dublin when he sees a crowd in front of a high-rise building. He looks up and sees a guy standing on the ledge of the tenth floor, obviously contemplating suicide. The Irishman rushes up and yells, “Don’t jump, think of your children!”
“I don’t have any children!” yells the guy on the ledge.
“Think of your wife!” the Irishma
n yells.
“I’m not married!” yells the guy.
“Think of your mother and father!” yells the Irishman, undaunted.
“My parents died when I was young!” the guy yells.
Frustrated, the Irishman yells, “Think of St. Patrick!”
“Who’s St. Patrick?” the guy on the ledge yells back.
“Jump, ya Protestant bastard, jump!” replies the Irishman.
An American is in Ireland drinking in a pub. After a few pints he yells, “I’ll give a hundred dollars to the first guy that can drink twenty pints of Guinness in a row, without stopping and without spilling a drop!”
A hush falls over the crowd. After a minute, a small, thin Irishman pushes his way through the crowd, approaches the American, and says, “I’ll give it a try, but give me ten minutes and I’ll be back to give it a go.”
The American says, “All right, but if you are not back in ten minutes, the bet is off.”
Sure enough, the Irishman returns exactly ten minutes later and says, “Set ’em up!”
The Irishman then proceeds to drink all twenty pints of Guinness, without stopping and without spilling a single drop.
Dumbfounded, the American hands over the hundred dollars and asks the Irishman, “To be honest, I didn’t think you could drink them all. Tell me, where did you go for ten minutes?”
The Irishman burps and says, “I went to the pub across the street to see if I could do it!”
Evidently, the English tell Irish jokes, the Irish tell Scottish jokes, the Scottish tell Welsh jokes, and the Welsh say, “What’s a joke?”
After a long journey, a German says, “I’m tired and thirsty, I must have a beer.”
A Frenchman says, “I’m tired and thirsty, I must have some wine.”
A Jewish man says, “Oy, I’m tired and thirsty, I must have diabetes!”
A doctor takes off his glasses, rubs his eyes, and says to his patient, “I have some bad news. You are dying of cancer. Now, I can help you through this with counseling. I have a one o’clock tee time, why don’t you join me.”
They go to the golf course, and on the first tee the patient runs into a few guys he knows and he tells them he is dying of AIDS. This goes on all afternoon, the patient telling everyone he knows that he is dying of AIDS.
Curious, the doctor asks, “Why are you telling everyone you are dying of AIDS when in fact you are dying of cancer?”
The guy looks at the doctor and in a low voice says, “I don’t want any of my friends sleeping with my wife after I die.”
What do you call eighty white guys
chasing one black guy?
The PGA Tour.
Why do Sicilians hate Jehovah’s Witnesses?
Are you kidding, Sicilians hate all witnesses!
What do you call an Italian
who mixes cement with a fork?
A mortar-forker.
Two kids are in a hospital, in surgical gowns, sitting on their gurneys. “What are you here for?” asks the first kid.
“I’m here to get my tonsils removed,” says the second kid.
“Don’t worry,” the first kid says. “I had my tonsils removed last year and you get all the ice cream you want!”
The second kid asks the first kid, “What are you here for?”
“I’m here for a circumcision,” says the first kid.
“Oh my God,” says the second kid. “I had that done when I was born! I didn’t walk for a year!”
Do you know about the twins from Spain,
Juan and Emmal?
If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Emmal.
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are standing before a judge in divorce court. The judge says to Mickey, “I don’t understand. You want to divorce Minnie because she is crazy?”
“No,” says Mickey, “I’m divorcing her because she’s fucking Goofy!”
A New Yorker is driving in Northern Ireland and pulls into a gas station. He waits a few minutes and no one comes out, so he beeps his horn. The door opens a little and a guy sticks his head out.
“How about some gas?” says the New Yorker.
“I’m sorry, there is no gas,” says the Irish attendant.
“Well, how about some oil?” says the New Yorker.
“No oil either, sorry,” says the attendant.
“How about putting some water in the radiator?” says the New Yorker, slightly perturbed.
“Sorry, no water,” says the attendant.
Now the New Yorker is pissed. “No gas, no oil, no water, what the hell are you here for?!”
“Well, actually,” says the attendant in a low voice, “this is a front for the IRA.”
The New Yorker looks at the attendant with disdain and says sarcastically, “Then why don’t you blow up my tires!”
What do you call a smart pig in Ireland?
A cunning ham.
A nine-year-old boy is walking down the street when he hears a voice say, “Pssst, hey you!” He looks down and sees a frog on the sidewalk.
The frog says, “Kiss me now and I’ll turn into a beautiful woman!” The boy picks up the frog, puts it in his pocket, and starts walking.
The frog sticks his head out of the pocket and says, “Hey, didn’t you hear what I just said? I said, ‘Kiss me now and I’ll turn into a beautiful woman’!” The boy just shoves the frog back in his pocket and keeps walking.
The frog sticks his head out of the pocket again and says, “Hey, are you deaf? I said, ‘KISS-ME-NOWAND-I’LL-TURN-INTO-A-BEAUTIFUL-WOMAN’!”
The boy looks at the frog, shoves it back in his pocket, and says, “I’d rather have a talking frog!”
My youngest son, Michael, told me the next two jokes. He likes to pop popcorn without putting the lid on.
A UPS truck pulls up to a house. The driver gets out, goes to the back of the truck and gets a pack-age, then walks to the front door of the house and knocks on the door.
A nine-year-old boy opens the door. He has a bottle of beer in one hand and a cigar in the other.
The UPS driver looks at the boy.
The boy looks at the UPS driver.
The driver asks, “Is your mother home?”
The boy takes a swig from the bottle of beer, takes a drag from the cigar, flicks the ash on the floor, blows the smoke in the driver’s face, and says, “What do you think!”
A priest is walking down a street when he sees a little boy jumping up, trying to ring a doorbell. The boy says, “Hey, Father, can you help me out and ring the top doorbell?”
The priest rings the doorbell and asks, “Now what?”
“Run like hell!” says the boy.
Thanks, Mike, now put the book down and go to bed!
Albert Einstein has just finished cementing the sidewalk that leads to his front door and he goes inside. After a few minutes, he hears some noise outside, goes to the window, and sees some kids playing in the fresh cement.
Furious, he runs out and starts screaming and yelling at the kids. His neighbor hears this and says, “Albert, I thought you liked children!”
“I love children,” says Einstein, “but in the abstract, not in the concrete!”
Three kids are at the Bronx Zoo, fighting. A security guard comes over and breaks it up. He asks the first kid, “What’s going on here?”
The first kid says, “I was just trying to feed peanuts to the elephant.”
The guard asks the second kid, “What were you doing?”
“I was trying to feed peanuts to the elephant, too,” says the second kid.
“How about you?” the guard asks the third kid. “What were you doing?”
“Nothing,” cries the third kid. “I’m Peanuts!”
A priest is walking down the street when he sees a boy smoking a cigarette. He says, “My son, you are too young to smoke. How old are you?”
The boy says, “Six.”
The priest says, “Six? When did you start smoking?”
The boy says, “Right
after the first time I got laid.”
Astounded, the priest says, “Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?”
“I don’t remember,” says the boy. “I was drunk.”
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship’s wheel attached to his dick. The bartender says, “What the hell is that?!”
The pirate says, “Arrrrr. It’s a ship’s wheel, and it’s driving me nuts!”
Do you know the pirate alphabet?
A-A rrrr, B-A rrrr, C-A rrrr…
How about a pirate eye chart?
R
RR
RRR
RRRR
Do you know why pirates like corn on the cob?
Because it’s under a buccanneer.
Did you know that Cuba changed its
national anthem?
Now it’s “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”
Two fish are in a tank. One fish says, “How do you drive this thing?”
A woman in a tight business suit is waiting for a bus. The bus arrives and she can’t lift her leg to get on because her skirt is too tight. She reaches around to unzip it but it is still too tight so she reaches around and tries to unzip it some more.
All of a sudden, the guy behind her picks her up and puts her on the bus.
“How dare you!” she screams to the guy. “What the hell are you doing?”
“Well,” says the guy, “after you unzipped my fly, I thought we’re pretty good friends by now!”
What did the blonde get on her SATs?
Nail polish.
Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
To see what’s on the other side.
The New York City Bartender's Joke Book Page 5