The man says, “Excuse me, but what is that book you are reading?”
“Oh,” says the woman, “it is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It states that Native Americans, on average, have the longest penis and that, on average, Jewish men have the biggest in diameter.”
“That’s fascinating,” says the man. “What is your name?”
“My name is Heather,” says the woman. “What’s yours?”
“Schwartz, Tonto Schwartz,” says the man.
This is so old, Vaudeville was an infant!
A guy calls up the law firm of Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. A voice on the other end says, “Thank you for calling Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz, how can I help you?”
“I’d like to speak to Mr. Schwartz,” the guy says.
The voice says, “He’s in a meeting right now.”
“Well,” says the man, “Let me speak to Mr. Schwartz.”
“I’m sorry, he’s out to lunch,” says the voice.
“Then,” says the man, “Let me speak to Mr. Schwartz.”
“He is with a client, I’m sorry,” says the voice.
“Well, then,” says the man, “I’d like to speak to Mr. Schwartz.”
“Speaking,” says the voice.
What is fourteen inches long and hangs
in front of an asshole?
A lawyer’s tie.
What’s the difference between a
woman lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
A man walks into a lawyer’s office and inquires about the lawyer’s rates.
“Fifty dollars for three questions,” replies the lawyer.
“Isn’t that awfully steep?” asks the man.
“Yes,” says the lawyer. “And what was your third question?”
A man loses his job, his house is foreclosed, and his wife leaves him, taking all his money along with the children. He is destitute. He must find out what the meaning of life is. He must seek out the High Lama.
It takes him three years to reach Nepal and seven more months to finally find the Shrine of the High Lama. When he gets there he is told to wait two more weeks, since the High Lama cannot see him earlier.
Two weeks go by, and in his tattered clothes, unshaven and unwashed, near starvation and humbled, he stands before the High Lama.
“Life,” says the High Lama, “is like a fountain.”
“What!?!?” yells the guy incredulously. “I lose my job, my house, my wife, my children, and my money, I travel for three years and seven months to get here, then I’m told to wait for two weeks, and finally all you say is life is like a fucking fountain?!”
“Life is not like a fountain?” says the High Lama.
A teacher is teaching her class about morals. She gives a few examples and tells the students to bring in a story that has a moral to it. The next day she asks, “Who has a story with a moral to it?”
Everyone in the class raises their hands, much to the teacher’s delight. “Mary, please tell us your story,” she says.
Little Mary stands up and says, “I live on a farm and one of my chores is to collect some eggs from the chicken coop and bring them up to the farmhouse before I go to school.
“Well,” Mary continues, “one day I went to the chicken coop, collected all the eggs and put them in my basket, and as I was walking to the farmhouse my dog Muffy jumped up on me and I dropped the basket and all the eggs broke.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, Mary,” says the teacher. “But what is the moral to the story?”
“Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket,” Mary says.
“Very good, Mary,” says the teacher. “Now, who’s next?”
Everyone has their turn, and finally little Johnny is the last one. “Johnny, tell us your story,” says the teacher.
Johnny stands up and says, “My daddy is a Vietnam War veteran and when he was in the war, all he had was three bullets, a hand grenade, a bayonet, and a bottle of whiskey.
“Well, one day,” Johnny continues, “my daddy looked up from his foxhole and saw three VC coming right at him, so he took a swig from the whiskey bottle, aimed his rifle, and killed all the three VC with the three bullets. Then ten more VC charged him. He took a bigger swig of whiskey, pulled the pin of the grenade, threw it, and killed all ten VC. Then when the smoke cleared, he saw twenty more VC coming right at him, so he finished the bottle of whiskey, fixed the bayonet on his rifle, and killed all twenty of the VC with the bayonet and hand-to-hand combat, and he is alive to tell the story, to this day.”
“That’s fascinating, Johnny,” says the teacher. “What is the moral of the story?”
Johnny proudly says, “Don’t fuck with my daddy when he’s been drinking!”
A farmer thinks it’s time to retire the old rooster and buys a younger one. The young rooster walks up to the old one and says, “O.K., time to go, old-timer, young stud is here!”
“Relax, youngster,” says the old rooster. “I’m not going anywhere. I have a few more good years in me.”
“Don’t give me a hard time,” says the young rooster. “It’s time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike!”
“I’ll tell you what,” says the old rooster, “I’ll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets domain of the chicken coop, and the loser leaves the farm.”
“You know I’m going to beat you,” says the young rooster, “so, just to be fair, I’ll give you a head start.”
They line up behind the farmhouse, a chicken says “Go,” and the old rooster starts running. Fifteen seconds later, the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is twelve inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, sitting on the porch, sees what’s going on, grabs his shotgun, and blows the young rooster to bits.
His wife says, “What did you do that for?”
The farmer shakes his head and says, “Third damned gay rooster I bought this week!”
A well-dressed woman is shopping on Madison Avenue. A bum walks up to her and says, “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.”
She looks at him and says, “God, I wish I had your willpower!”
Why do brides wear white at their wedding?
So the dishwasher matches the rest
of the appliances.
How many men does it take to screw in
a lightbulb?
One:men will screw anything.
This is from my oldest son, Matt, who is a computer engineer. When Matt was a toddler, I used to put his clothes on backwards and send him off to preschool as if nothing was wrong.
How many computer engineers does it take
to screw in a lightbulb?
FiV5 One y7 Uujy The bUL8 Anv foUx
to eJHGF The eXPEfkncdE!
One night a couple of Swedes came in the bar and gave me this gem. Unfortunately, they never translated it. If anyone knows what it means, please write in and tell me.
Varfor har norrmannen pyjamas de
aker motorcykel?
De ligger i kurvorna!
My friend Doyle says reality is for people who can’t handle drugs!
A piano player walks by a bar with a sign in the window that says, “Piano player wanted.” He walks in and asks for an audition.
He plays a beautiful piece that moves the manager to tears. The manager asks, “What’s the name of that song?”
The piano player says, “It is an original piece titled, ‘I fucked my girlfriend and made her scream.’”
The manager asks to hear another song. The piano player plays another equally beautiful piece. The manager asks, “What’s the name of that one?”
The piano player says, “Another original titled, ‘When we finished fucking, I wiped my dick on the curtains.’”
The manager says, “Listen, I’ll hire you, but you’ve got to promise not to tell anyone what the names of the songs are. I
t might offend my clientele.”
The piano player agrees, and he starts playing that night. Everything is going very well, the customers are really enjoying the songs. After an hour, the piano player takes a break and goes to the bathroom. When he comes out, a customer comes up to him and says, “Do you know your fly is open and your dick is hanging out?”
“Know it?” says the piano player. “I wrote it!”
One morning, the lion, King of Beasts, wakes up feeling mean. He is walking about, corners a small monkey, and roars, “Who is the mightiest of all animals?!”
The monkey trembles and says, “You are, mighty lion!” and scampers up a tree.
The lion continues along and comes up to a frightened gazelle. “Who is the mightiest of all animals?!” he roars.
The gazelle stammers, “Oh, great lion, you are the mightiest of all animals!” and runs away.
Now the lion is really full of himself, and he swaggers up to an elephant and roars, “Who is the mightiest of all animals?!”
The elephant grabs the lion with its trunk, slams him against a tree ten times, and then throws him twenty yards away.
The lion staggers to his feet, full of pain, and says to the elephant. “Gee, just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so angry!”
What do you do with an elephant
that has three balls?
You walk him and pitch to the giraffe.
How do you stop a rhinoceros from charging?
Take away its credit card.
Why doesn’t Santa Claus have any children?
Because he only comes once a year,
and when he does, it’s down the chimney.
Why is Santa Claus so jolly?
He knows where all the bad girls live.
What do all the female reindeer do
when Santa takes the male reindeer out
on Christmas Eve?
They go into town and blow a few bucks.
How is Christmas like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat man in the suit
gets all the credit.
There are eight reindeer, and Rudolf makes nine, but do you know about the tenth reindeer, Olive? You know, “Olive, the other reindeer/used to laugh and call him names.”
What’s the difference between snowmen
and snowladies?
Snowballs.
Why did the woman get a tattoo of a turkey
on the inside of one thigh and a tattoo of
Santa Claus on the inside of her other thigh?
For her husband who always complains
that there’s nothing to eat between
Thanksgiving and Christmas.
What do married couples buy Vaseline for?
Seventy-nine cents a jar.
If one is love and two is hate,
what’s three and four?
Seven.
There are three kinds of people in the world:
those who can count and those who can’t.
It was found, in a recent study, that five out of four high school students can’t do fractions.
How do you know when you are really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people will have a chance
to have sex, too.
“You know that woman, Eve, you created for me?” Adam says to God. “What a great cook! Breakfast, lunch, and dinner, anything I want to eat, she cooks it for me and cooks it very well!”
“I made her that way,” God says, “so you will like her.”
Then Adam says, “And good-looking, too! She is absolutely gorgeous! I can’t keep my eyes off her!”
“I made her that way,” God says, “so you will like her.”
“And sex!” Adam continues. “She is just fabulous in bed! Anything I want her to do, she does, and she does it great!”
“I made her that way,” God says, “so you will like her.”
“But, there is one problem,” Adam says. “She is dumber than a rock! She is very stupid and not too bright, either!”
“I made her that way,” God says, “so she will like you.”
How do you know Jesus wasn’t Italian?
If he was, you wouldn’t find three wise men
and a virgin.
God and Moses are playing a round of golf. Moses tees off and his ball lands in the pond in front of the green. He walks to the pond, raises his arms, the water parts, he walks in and chips out onto the green.
God tees off. His ball sails past the pond, past the green, and before it hits the ground an eagle flies by, grabs the ball with its talons, realizes that the ball is not food, circles over the pond, and drops the ball. The ball hits a turtle in the pond, bounces onto the green, and rolls into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses walks up to God and says, “Look, are you going to play golf, or are you going to fuck around?”
A husband and wife are asleep. All of a sudden, the wife turns on the light, wakes up the husband, and says, “Honey, when I die, will you find a girlfriend and get married again?”
“No,” says the husband, still half asleep. “I’ll never get married after you’ve gone. I would never do that.”
“It’s O.K. if you do,” says the wife. “I want you to be happy, and if you marry your girlfriend, it will make me happy, too.”
He murmurs “O.K.,” rolls over, and she turns off the light.
Two minutes later, the wife turns on the light and says, “Honey, when I die and you marry your girlfriend, will you live in this house?”
Still groggy, the husband says, “No, I won’t live in this house, if I remarry.”
“It’s O.K. if you do,” says the wife. “I know you love this house and I’ll be happy if you live here with your new wife.”
“O.K.,” says the sleepy husband, “I’ll stay in this house.” He rolls over and falls back to sleep and the wife turns off the light.
Two minutes later the wife turns on the light again and says, “Honey, if you marry your girlfriend and stay in this house, will you sleep in this bed with your new wife?”
The husband says, “No, we won’t sleep in this bed.”
“It’s O.K. if you do,” says the wife. “I want you to be happy and I know you love this bed, it will make me happy if you do.”
“O.K.,” says the husband as he rolls over to get some sleep, “we’ll sleep in this bed.” The wife turns off the light.
One minute later, the wife turns the light back on and says, “Honey, when you marry your girlfriend and stay in this house and sleep in this bed, will you let your new wife use my golf clubs?”
“Hell, no,” says the husband as he rolls over. “She’s left-handed!”
A golfer can’t see his golf balls. A soon as the ball is hit, the guy can’t follow them and he loses eighteen balls per round. He asks the golf pro for help.
The golf pro says, “Take the club’s ball watcher with you. He sees all the balls and where they go. He’s right outside. Play nine and see for yourself.”
The guy goes outside and sees an old man sitting in a chair, asleep. He goes back in the clubhouse and says, “I only see an old man, asleep, out there.”
“That’s him,” says the pro. “Wake him up and take him with you.” The guy goes out, gently wakes the old man up, and they both walk to the first tee.
The guy tees off and, as usual, he loses sight of the ball. “Did you see where it went?” he asks the ball watcher.
“Yeah,” the ball watcher says. “I see it.”
They get in the cart and drive to where the ball headed. “Well, are you sure you saw it?” asks the guy, looking around for his ball.
“Yeah,” says the old man. “I saw it.”
“Well, where’s my ball?” asks the guy.
“I can’t remember,” says the old man.
A guy with a speech impediment—he stutters—gets a job selling books door-to-do
or. On his first day, the sales manager gives him some books and sends him out and at five o’clock he returns with all receipts, no books.
The second day, the sales manager loads him up with more books than the first day and sends him out. He returns at five o’clock with all the receipts, no books.
The third day, the sales manager really loads him up with books, more than the first two days combined, and sends him out. At five o’clock he returns and gives the sales manager all of the receipts for all the books he had.
“This is truly amazing,” says the sales manager. “In three days you have sold more books than my top salesman does in a week. What’s your sales pitch?”
“W-w-well,” says the salesman, “I s-s-say, ‘D-d-do, y-y-you w-w-want t-t-to b-b-b-buy a b-b-b-book or d-do y-you w-want m-me t-to r-read it t-to y-you?’”
A skeleton walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and says, “Give me a beer and a mop.”
What do you call a dead Frisbee?
A Friswas.
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
Because sheep run away at the sound
of zippers.
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
It’s too far to walk.
Why don’t bunnies make noise
when they make love?
Because they have cotton balls.
It has been recently proven that carrots are good for the eyes. A major research project has shown that almost no rabbits wear glasses.
A man and a woman are having drinks when they get into a discussion about who enjoys sex more. The man says, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”
“That doesn’t prove anything,” says the woman. “Think about this; when your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?”
The New York City Bartender's Joke Book Page 8