“Nor me, all that body hair,” she says.
“I don’t mind a bit of hair, just… nah… the drinking and all that and his weird brothers. Couldn’t be doing with that bullshit.” It’s more than gross, really. Paul is vile and too many people have had too many excuses for him.
“Too true,” she agrees.
I start the engine and take us back to hers in silence. We sit on the street outside, the engine still running. I know she will want me to stay, but I have other plans.
The silence stretches and my guilt begins to get the better of me. Perhaps I ought to give her something else to wrap her head around… a new mystery to solve. Something to take the heat off Adam.
“Do you know, I do believe those guys have a secret.”
“Which guys?” she asks, aghast.
“Tom, Paul, Adam and Theo.”
“What makes you say that?”
“At Lily and Theo’s wedding… Tom and Adam were deep in conversation towards the end of the night and the way they were huddled, it was like it was proper clandestine.”
“Yeah?”
“And then I engineered it so I was walking past when they were huddled real tight and I overheard Tom say something like, ‘We all agreed long ago, it won’t ever come out.’”
Never happened, but it could have… Tom and Adam were huddled in a corner that night, but I already knew what they were talking about.
“Hmm, but… you’re just guessing. It might be a secret that just three of them kept, maybe less. Who knows? It could be a secret that might even involve Lily or Marie.”
“No, it was the way he said long ago. It was like he was referring to school and everything and the way he said all, I knew in my marrow he was talking about all the lads. I just knew it.”
“Weird.”
“Right.”
She looks shocked but seems to believe me.
“Just the way Tom looked stressed when he was chatting with Adam… I don’t know. Something about it got my hairs on end. You know how I get? Like that.”
“Sounds ominous,” she says, definitely intrigued.
“What I think is that none of us can ever move on unless we detach from each other a little bit. That sounds bad, right?”
“No, I know what you mean,” she concedes. “Once upon a time I would’ve been the first to shut down anyone who dared leave the group, but now… I’m seeing things different. I wouldn’t swap that time in Oz for anything. I needed it. I didn’t know how much I needed it until I got there.”
“Well, I think that’s why Tom can never decide if he’s back or not. This secret, I reckon. He was the one who looked worried. Like Adam was trying to remind him of it or something, I don’t know.”
“Let them worry about it, their problem.”
“You ought to detach from Adam,” I persist, spelling it out. “I know you still have feelings for him, but maybe they’re misplaced.”
“I can’t help it,” she says softly. “I heard he was getting divorced and a part of me rejoiced. Either that makes me a bitch or just someone with a vested interest in him not being married to someone else.”
“I think you should trust me on this and detach,” I repeat, clinging to the steering wheel.
My future happiness depends on her moving on with someone else.
“You know something,” she says, suspicious.
“No, I just know what’s in my gut… that Adam isn’t worth it, babes. He really isn’t.” Not from her point of view, anyway.
“Does this secret… does it have anything to do with why he went cold on me?”
“He didn’t go cold on you, you went cold on him, remember?” It’s true! She knows it’s true! She backed away from him.
“I’d better get inside,” she says, and I start to worry she thinks I’m trying to get rid of her. “Sure you don’t want to stay?”
“I’ve got somewhere to be.” I try not to look too happy about it.
“Would this be a somewhere with your lover?” She grins wickedly.
I am happy but I also don’t want to rub her nose in it. “I just think… I don’t wanna be alone forever. You’re gonna marry Cole, that’s clear. Lily’s loved up. Marie’s a lost cause. And all the single guys we grew up with that are left are morons. I’ve just gotta decide if there’s anything really keeping me here.”
“Me too,” she says, “me fucking too.”
We hug across the seats and there’s something that feels final about it. Maybe it’s just me.
“Love you,” I tell her, sad that this thing with Adam might mean she never speaks to me again once she finds out.
“Love you too. Mail me. Or whatever. I’m sure you will.”
“You know I will, queen. Stay sexy.”
“I’ll try,” she says, leaving the car.
I watch her go up the steps and into her house, feeling immense relief once she’s indoors.
I put the car in gear and set off to Adam’s childhood home, across town.
When I arrive, I check the time and realise I’m a little early. Maybe I gave off vibes to Chloe that I wanted to be elsewhere, or maybe she was just as eager to get back inside her house and call her boyfriend.
I get impatient and decide to call Adam.
He rejects my call and I feel wounded, especially since he visited Chlo last night without consulting me first. I mean, she’s only my best fucking friend in the world.
Then I get a message from him: Give me a couple mins and I’ll explain.
I’m thinking all sorts…
…my mind starts working overtime…
…so I’m shocked when there’s a tap on my window and I look up to see it’s him.
He’s standing outside my car in a jumper and jeans and I nod for him to get inside.
He slides in beside me and we greet one another like strangers – no sensual embrace.
I have no idea what he’s done but it can’t be good.
“I’m so sorry—”
“What about?” I blurt. “Chloe told me about last night.”
“No.” He shakes his head, scratching his fingers along his scalp. “Paul showed up today, drunk and stupid. He’s inside. He’s home. His family threw him out and I can’t leave him with my mum and dad. My mum’s trying to mother him, I can’t…”
It feels like my world just ended. I don’t know what to say. He spends Christmas Eve trying to pave the way for me and him to be together, then he spends tonight trying to fix up his knackered crap bag of a best mate, in the process jeopardising what he has with me?
“Are you saying you’re ditching me for that ball sack?”
Adam groans, like he knew this would upset me, but he has no choice… his parents expect him to take care of Paul.
“That’s not it at all.”
“That’s what it feels like,” I protest, and I’m a little glad I didn’t bother changing into my sexy velvet Christmas dress. I’m still in my tracksuit.
“I know, and you have every right to be mad, I know, okay?”
I sigh, disappointed, mostly in myself… that I got my hopes up. Does he have any idea what the past few Christmases have been like for me? I don’t think he does.
“What good do you think you will be doing, taking him in? Hmm? Tell me that, Adam.”
I study him and all I see is stress and anxiety spoiling his handsome face. Why is he doing this?
Why does Paul deserve anyone’s time? Let alone Adam’s.
“I honestly don’t know. I don’t. He’s broken, Sass. That’s all I know. His dad’s terminal now. Cancer. It came out during Christmas dinner at his mum’s… things got heated… the inevitable happened.”
“I can’t believe this. You can’t save him, Adam.”
He reaches across the car for my hand but I whip it away.
“I think maybe I can,” he says. “I actually think I can.”
“Theo won’t speak to you, ever again. Neither will Lily. And to be honest, I’m a hair’s bread
th away from ending it, it has to be said.”
He says nothing but I hear him grinding his teeth.
He sits beside me, conflicted, but I know he’s a slave to his desire to do the right thing.
“Listen, Adam—”
“No, Saskia—”
“No, Adam. No. He does this, every time. Every time. And you know what? I’m actually thinking maybe Susan had it right. Maybe she was best off blocking people like Paul. She had it right, man. All this time, she wasn’t daft, was she?”
He takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry you’re upset, but this is serious. If I don’t help him, he will die. You don’t know him like I do, baby. I have to do this. Wouldn’t you? If you knew you could save a life?”
“Not his,” I groan.
“You have every right to feel that way,” he says, sounding strained. “I understand completely. But if I don’t help him, believe me, the repercussions will be worse than you can imagine.”
There’s a lot he’s not telling me, I can feel it in his tone of voice… but at the same time, my compassion for Paul is zilch… and I’m crippled by hurt in this moment… unable to put myself in his position.
“I understand completely. I understand your priority. And if you leave this car, let me be quite clear, you’re leaving me for a lying, cheating scumbag who left your best friend in agony and caused so many people so much pain. That’s the choice you’re making… to pick him. I want you to realise I’m quite clear about that. That you’re picking him over me.”
I hear him swallow hard. “It’s not that simple, Saskia. Please.”
“Get out, I don’t want to see you again.”
So he does… he gets out.
Chapter Seventeen
New Year’s Eve arrives and I watch the crowds outside my window, stretching along the riverbank, the lucky few having secured their place from which to watch the fireworks off the London Eye.
I have never felt so alone in my whole entire life. It’s true I could have gone to Chloe’s tonight and sat with her, but I’d feel like a fraud and a liar. Besides, she’s a bit like me right now – needing distance so she can deal with her own private pain.
I’m totally surprised when my phone rings and I look down at it in my hand, seeing Theo’s name on the screen. I peer at it strangely, wondering… because well, it is 11.30 at night.
Best just to answer.
“Theo, hi,” I say, sounding a little businesslike.
“Saskia, how goes it?”
“Umm…” How should I answer?
“Ah, you know, too?”
I sigh down the line. “How did you find out?”
“Well, umm, I rang Adam tonight to wish him all the best for the new year and I overheard that sack of shit’s voice in the background.”
“Have you told Lily?”
“No,” he says hurriedly, “she’d already gone to bed. She sleeps like the dead these days. Anyway, I just wanted to talk to someone about it… someone who might understand.”
“Oh, I understand alright,” I half-chuckle. “I understand he thinks he can save that fucking twat.”
“Yep.”
“Don’t tell Lily,” I advise, “it’ll only upset her.”
“I won’t. You’re right.”
“God, Theo,” I sigh.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks.
“You first?”
“Yeah, okay. Well, fuck, I feel like my guts have been ripped out. Adam knows how much I despise that guy.”
“Exactly…”
“And I don’t know, I heard music and revelry, like they were having a party… it just got to me big style. I wanted to punch something. I haven’t felt like this in ages… I’ve had my anger in check… but fuck,” he says, “I don’t know, you know?”
“Wow,” I groan, “sounds like Paul’s recovery is going really well.”
“You know, for a second, I almost wished for Susan back… she was the one sure-fire method of keeping them apart.”
“As sick as that sounds when it rolls off the tongue, I said almost that exact same thing to him… that if she did anything right, it was that.”
“He’s a cunt,” says Theo.
“He’s a cunt’s backflap.”
“He’s a cunt after ten rounds with Tyson and a botched Brazilian with a roll of brown tape.”
I laugh loudly down the line and Theo chuckles quietly, possibly trying not to disturb Lily and Henry as they sleep. I caught up with them a few weeks ago one afternoon in London. We met for coffee and I held the baby – what an adorable little chap. Now I know why Theo was looking at me strangely that day – he knew about me and Adam.
“So, what happened with you two?” He sounds reluctant to ask, but wants to know anyway. “If you don’t mind me asking.”
“Ah, fuck, Theo. Where do I start?”
“God, is it that bad?”
“Think how fucking betrayed you feel right now and times that by a hundred.”
“Shit, Sass.” I hear him take a sip of something so I take a swig of my own drink – vodka tonight. “What the bloody hell did he do?”
“Oh, well… Adam and I were only supposed to be spending the past week together… then Paul turns up and all that goes to shit, doesn’t it? He dumped me for that tiny-peckered dumbass, didn’t he?”
Theo breathes heavily down the phone and I can tell he’s annoyed. “It doesn’t make sense. What is it about that knobhead? He makes rational, loving people do stuff they wouldn’t otherwise do.”
“Paul knows exactly what he’s doing, mate. He turned up on Christmas Day at Adam’s mum and dad’s. He was all like, ‘boohoo, my dad’s got cancer and is dying and we had a fight and I got kicked out’ and all Adam sees is that Paul is in need and he has some kind of chance to make it okay again, and bam, nothing else comes close. That’s it. Project Reform Paul is back on again.”
My heart hurts… thinking of them partying tonight… the things that might go down…
“Listen, Sass. If it’s any consolation, I do know Adam really cares about you. He worries about how people might react to you two. He worries how Susan might react, most of all. I don’t know… I wouldn’t write him off just yet. Paul, yes… absolutely. He will be out of Adam’s life soon enough, once Ads finally realises he’s a lost cause, mark my words… but don’t write off Adam. He’s just trying to reclaim a part of his life he lost… and I think he does blame himself a little for Paul’s slide into degeneracy. He was no longer there to sort him out.”
I take a few moments, breathing hard, trying to contain myself.
“Sass?”
“I’m still here,” I whisper. “It just hurts, Theo.”
“Ditto. I know. Ditto.”
“Anyway, are you still going to let him have the flat?”
“Ah, god,” he groans, “I don’t bloody know. If he can promise me Paul will go nowhere near the place. Actually, it might have to wait until Paul’s fucking done a runner again because I just can’t, Sass. I can’t have any association with that twat whatsoever.”
“I get that.”
“Hmm.”
“I’ve been offered a permanent job in New York,” I suddenly tell him. “I told Adam but he’s not interested in moving that far away. It’s a problem because I enjoy working over there.”
“That’s amazing,” he says, but why do I feel like he’s not that hot on the idea?
“What? Should I not go?”
“If you want to chase that, you should, Sass. I just know Adam. He won’t ever move that far away. He can just about manage London, but America? I don’t know. He’s a home bird, but if anyone could convert him, maybe you could.”
I scratch the back of my neck and grimace. “Yep. Unlikely.”
“It’s an amazing achievement and you deserve it, but why would you be going?”
“Money.” I laugh, because it’s true. “That’s it, money. Maybe the culture, too. It’s different, you know? It wouldn’t be that ther
e are more opportunities, but I suppose, I could put more of myself into things out there, if you get what I’m saying? They’re more open to change. Our European clients can get a bit stuffy.”
“Oh, I can imagine,” he chuckles, knocking back another drink. “But moving across the pond? That’s pretty big.”
“I know.”
“You’d miss Chloe, and I know we’d miss you. Lily always talks about you and her and Chloe not seeing one another much anymore. And Marie, of course.”
“Marie, yeah… forgot to send her a card. How bad am I?”
“God, don’t worry. We only sent cards this year because we had family ones done. With it being Henry’s first Christmas.”
“Yeah, I got mine. It was very cute.” And envy-inducing.
“Anyway, like I said… don’t give up on Adam, okay?”
I sigh and rub my forehead. “It’s hard, Theo.”
“Been there and got the t-shirt with Lily, trust me.”
“How do you live with that?”
“Honestly, I try not to,” he admits. “I can’t let myself think about it. I get too angry. I hate his fucking guts. He can rot in hell for all I care. And that’s not some like male pride crap or me being territorial. I’ve seen Paul without a filter and he’s proper rancid. I don’t even pity him, even with his dad poorly, and that’s saying something when I went through the same thing with my mum just a few months ago.”
“It’s hard to pity something that’s self-inflicted.”
“Very hard.”
“Fate can be such a twisted bitch sometimes.”
“I don’t believe in any of that,” he says.
“You don’t?”
“Nah.”
“Even if I told you that I would’ve warned Lily off Paul at Adam’s wedding but some married schmuck had asked me to dance and I couldn’t get across the dance floor in time to tell her what he’d been doing earlier that day?”
“Okay…” He sounds intrigued.
“And that because of my rather dishonest dance partner that night, I put myself on a certain trajectory that ultimately, ended with me and Adam together in a situation that was meant to be just sex but ended up being so much more. Just think, if I had told her about Paul’s hanky-panky, she might have gone off to fuck some other random rebound loser that night and she might be married to him right now instead of you. Because that’s what she did… punish herself constantly. Until you saw what a state she was in and actually got your act together.”
Bad Guys Page 17