CHAPTER TWENTY
Dylan
He cried.
I’ve never, ever seen him lose control of his emotions like that.
His eyes glistened on our wedding day, but he didn’t allow a single tear to escape and even that reaction had overwhelmed me.
But that was nothing compared to what I just saw.
He wasn’t just heartbroken when I told him; it was as though some type of bomb had detonated in his chest, totally and utterly destroying him from the inside out.
I know how he feels – losing our daughter did the same thing to me.
I drag myself up from the spot I’m still sitting in on my bed.
I’m virtually naked and I can still feel the heat on my skin from where he touched me.
My head was so full of him, I never even thought about my tattoo until it was too late.
He needed to know – I know I had to tell him, but it shouldn’t have been like that.
He was right all along – we did have unfinished business, but it’s over now. Every secret between us has been hung out to dry and just like I thought it would be – the fallout was too much.
The day we got married, I promised him that we could withstand any storm, but I was wrong. I was only twenty years old, and I might have been naive about a lot of things, but I was sure about him. I loved him something fierce – I still do.
This is a storm we couldn’t weather, and as much as it pains me that this is how it’s going to end, I’m relieved that he finally knows.
I’ve struggled a lot these past couple of years, not only with the grief, but with the guilt too.
I reach for my sweatpants and slide them back up my legs. My top follows next.
The whole house feels like it’s echoing with emptiness around me as I walk slowly into the living room.
He’s really gone.
He might be out there free in the world, and not locked behind bars, but this time the separation feels a lot more permanent.
Everything feels strange and weightless. It’s all just empty.
I feel lost. So I do the only thing I can think of. I call my best friend.
I know one of these days, Sarah is going to stop taking my calls; more often than not it’s bad news I’m delivering, but I hope like hell that today isn’t that day, because I need her right now.
Maybe more than I ever have.
“Hey, girl,” she answers cheerily.
“He’s gone, Sare,” I blurt out.
“What do you mean, he’s gone?”
“He’s gone.” I can feel my bottom lip wobbling and I know I’m going to have a meltdown before too much longer. “I told him about Nina and he left.”
“Oh, Dylan,” she breathes. “I’m so sorry.”
“Me too,” I whimper.
“He didn’t take it well?” she asks softly.
“He was in shock. It’s all my fault, Sare, I did this to him.”
“None of this is your fault.”
“Isn’t it? If I’d just told him about the baby in the first place I wouldn’t have been there that day – Nina might still be alive.”
“You don’t know that, D. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“He’s gone.” I sob, the words on repeat in my head.
“Did he say where he was going?”
I shake my head even though she can’t see it. “He just walked out.”
“He might come back,” she tries to soothe me. “Maybe he just needs some time to process it.”
She’s wrong. He’s gone for good.
He blames me, and he’s gone.
“He signed the papers,” I choke out as I run my fingers over the scrawl of his signature.
“Oh, Dylan…” She sighs. “Are you at home? I’ll come over.”
“No,” I reply quickly. “I’m okay, I just need to be by myself for a little bit.”
I need some time to be alone so I can break down and let it all out.
“I really don’t think that’s the best idea, D.”
“I’m okay,” I promise her. “I’ve been through all this before, remember?”
“That’s what I’m afraid of.”
“I’ll be fine, I’ll call you in the morning, okay?”
“You call me at any hour if you need me, got it?”
“I got it. Thanks, Sare… I love you.”
“I love you too, you’ll be okay, D, I promise.”
***
I sit and stare at the door for what feels like hours and hours, when in reality I know only about forty minutes has passed since I sat down.
This is what my life will be like now.
Every minute without him will feel like an eternity.
I’ll forever be waiting and wishing for him to come back to me.
The notion haunts me as I feel my lids getting heavy – my exhausted mind and body are submitting to sleep.
“Drew,” I hear myself say as I drift off.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Andy
I burst into the garage like a man who’s running from the cops.
I’m sweating bullets and my heart is racing.
I don’t even remember getting on my bike and driving over here, yet here I am.
It’s dark out – I don’t know even what time it might be. In my haste to leave I forgot to take my cell phone with me.
I’m not sure why I came here of all places, but I guess when I consider the options, I don’t actually have anywhere else to go.
I expected the garage to be empty, but given the current dose of karma I’ve received, there’s no such luck.
“Jesus, Wood, what the fuck happened to you?”
“I… I… I…” I stutter, giving him nothing to go on.
I wasn’t prepared to be confronted. I’m not ready to share the imploding of my life.
Jeff jogs over to me and throws his arm over my shoulder and steers me towards a chair. He pushes down on me until I’m sitting in it.
It’s like I’ve forgotten how to talk and walk. I can’t do anything right now.
“Wood? What the fuck is wrong with you? You gotta talk to me, man.”
“Dylan,” I blurt out.
The sound of her name causes me to double over, my head falling into my hands.
“Jesus, is Dylan okay?”
I stutter something incoherent.
“I’m calling her,” Jeff announces.
I can hear the cell phone ringing out as he waits for her to pick up.
She won’t.
I know she won’t.
She must hate me – she’d have to… and Jeff’s my best friend, so she probably hates him too – guilty by association and all that shit.
“Fuck,” he mutters as his call goes unanswered.
“Andy, is Dylan okay?” he demands as he crouches down in front of me.
“She… She… I…”
“Fuck,” he mutters again as he gets to his feet.
I don’t know who he’s ringing this time, but I hear him hiss, “pick up the phone you little she-devil.”
“Sarah, thank fuck, don’t hang up okay? It’s important, just listen,” he demands.
He called Sarah. Jeff swore he was never talking to that woman ever again – so he must be really fucking worried if he’s calling her now.
“It’s about Andy.”
“No, he’s here. He’s a wreck.”
There’s silence as he listens.
“She’s okay?” I hear him release a relieved breath. “Thank fuck.”
I don’t know what Sarah’s saying, but I know it won’t be anything good.
I left Dylan half naked, crying and afraid.
I’m the biggest bastard on the face of the earth.
“Oh Jesus,” he chokes out, his voice pained. “Yeah okay, I’ve got him.” Silence. “Yeah I got it. Okay. Thanks.”
More silence.
“Wood?” he asks cautiously as he crouches down in front of me again.
I nod but don�
��t look up.
“Sarah told me about the baby, I’m so fucking sorry, man.”
That does it.
The last of the control I had hold of snaps and I break down in a wave of gut-wrenching tears.
Jeff doesn’t say anything. He just hugs me through what might be the most vulnerable moment of my life.
***
“She named her Nina,” I tell Jeff as I spoon sugar into the coffee he’s just made me.
My initial, paralysing shock seems to have worn off, and while I still feel numb, I’ve figured out how to speak again at least.
“That’s a sweet name.”
I take a sip of the hot liquid and feel it burn all the way down to my stomach. I welcome it. The burst of pain is the least I deserve after everything I’ve put Dylan through.
“She had to deal with it on her own, it’s no fucking wonder she wanted a divorce.”
“It’s not your fault you weren’t there, Wood. Don’t you try and take the blame for this.”
“Then whose fault is it?” I snap at him. “I had a daughter I didn’t even know about and now she’s gone.”
“It’s no one’s fault. There’s no one to blame for this, Andy, you didn’t make this happen.”
“She blames me,” I choke out. “And she’s right.”
“Did she say that?”
“She didn’t have to.”
“Why don’t you tell me what went down between you two?” he prompts. “Because if there’s one thing I know about you, Wood, it’s that you take the blame for shit when you don’t have to – you always have.”
He’s fucking wrong, but he won’t give in and let me wallow in peace until he’s heard it all – start to finish.
So I tell him.
He’s been quiet for a few minutes now, just absorbing the information I’ve given him.
“So, let me get this straight,” he finally says. “She told you that she loves you and she was going to let you back… you know… in.”
He gestures with his hands, making a circle with one hand and sticking his finger in on the other hand.
“What are you? Five? We were about to have sex, Stonesie. Fuck, and you wonder why you haven’t got yourself a woman.”
He chuckles and grins at me like the immature fucker he is. “Right, so she loves you and she’s going to let you bone her, right?”
“For lack of a better explanation, yeah.”
“Then you’re a fucking idiot.” He shakes his head at me in disbelief.
“I’m the idiot? That’s rich coming from you.”
“I’m not the one who just left behind a woman who loves me.”
“She can’t possibly love me after this, man.”
“And that’s where you’re a god damn halfwit. You think she couldn’t possibly want you because of what happened with the baby, right?”
I nod.
“This isn’t new information to her, you moron, it’s only new to you.”
I stare at him in confusion.
He shakes his head like I’m a small child he can’t be bothered dealing with.
“Jesus, and people say you’re the smart one,” he scoffs. “When she told you she loved you and she asked you to make love to her, she did all that, knowing everything… she knew that she lost the baby, and that you weren’t there to support her through it. She knew it all and she wanted you despite it.”
The big dumb bastard is right.
I just ran out on the love of my life for the second time, and all because I thought I knew something that I didn’t.
“She doesn’t blame me,” I think aloud.
“Based on what you’ve just told me, man, I’d say she blames herself.”
Guilt hits me like a smack in the face as I acknowledge the truth in his words.
That would be classic Dylan. She’s so damn hard on herself.
She blames herself and I left her. I didn’t say a word. So now she probably thinks I blame her too.
Christ, I am a fucking idiot.
“I gotta get back there.”
“Smartest thing you’ve said all night,” he drawls as I run from the room, snagging my keys off the table as I go.
“Give Dylan a hug for me,” he yells after me.
I stop in my tracks and jog back into the break room toward my best mate.
I pull him in for a hug and clap him on the back. “Thanks, Jeff. I appreciate it. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“I shudder to think,” he jokes. “And you’re welcome, man, go get the girl.”
I chuckle as I head off to beg for forgiveness for the second time this week.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Dylan
I wake to the brightness around me hurting my eyes.
It shouldn’t be this bright in here.
I blink drowsily as I look around. I’m in the living room. I must have fallen asleep out here last night.
That’s when it all hits me again.
He’s gone.
I rub at my eyes and try to keep the tears at bay.
I’ve cried enough. Crying gets me nowhere. I really should have learnt that by now.
I sit up and open my eyes and my heart leaps in my chest at the sight in front of me - the gorgeous man sitting in the chair to my left.
“Good morning, princess,” he says.
“You’re here,” I blurt.
“I’ve been here all night. I didn’t want to wake you.”
He looks totally shattered, like he’s just survived twelve rounds of boxing.
“You’re here,” I repeat.
“I’m here, princess.”
“Why?” I ask.
“Because you’re here.”
My head is screaming at me not to get my hopes up as we stare cautiously at one another.
“I’m so sorry, Andy.” I say the words before I lose my cool and break down again. He needs to know how sorry I am – even if it’s too late for us – I still need him to know.
“I’m so fucking sorry,” he says at the same time.
“I should have told you,” I whisper.
“I shouldn’t have left you.”
“I should have believed you.”
“I shouldn’t have given you a reason not to,” he argues.
I groan in frustration. This is where putting two ridiculously stubborn people in the same room, let alone a relationship, is difficult.
Neither one of us wants to back down – even when we’re both trying to take the blame rather than avoid it.
This is going to go around and around in circles… me blaming me and him blaming him.
It’s too late now for should have or could have.
What’s done is done.
It’s too late for a lot of things – mainly for our little girl, but maybe it’s not too late to fix things between us… I hope more than anything that we still have a shot at this, but I wouldn’t blame him if he wanted to walk away for good.
“I killed our baby, Andy.” I sob as my emotions and my guilt pour out of me.
He’s on his feet in a flash and holding me before I even know what’s happening.
“Princess, no,” he soothes as I sob. “It was an accident. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I should have been able to stop in time.”
“You did nothing wrong,” he tells me over and over as he holds me in his arms.
“I should have been there for you. I should have been the one driving you around… you shouldn’t have been coming to see me in prison. It’s not your fault.”
He holds me tight, rocking me gently side to side, trying to soothe me.
“I think about it, you know?”
“About what, princess?”
“About what it would have been like if I didn’t get involved in that accident… if I’d made it to see you. I think about how your face would have looked – I think about how happy you would have been to hear you were going to be a father.”
“Some father I w
ould have been,” he growls. “No child should have to visit their dad behind bars.”
I don’t have anything to say to that, because I know he’s right. It’s not something that I can imagine anyone wishing for.
Andy would have been a great father, he will be a great father when that time comes for him. But raising a baby without him isn’t the life I wanted for myself or for my child.
“You’ll be an amazing dad one day, Andy,” I whisper.
“I hope so,” he replies gruffly. “But the only way I’m doing that, is with you, Dylan.”
My heart speeds up in my chest.
“So you still want to do this with me?” I ask timidly. It’s a simple question, but one that carries the weight of the world to me.
“What, ‘this’ as in marriage?” he replies with a cheeky smirk.
I nod.
He cups my jaw in his big, rough hand and stokes his thumb over my lip.
“Fuck, yes I do, princess, I’m sure as hell not doing it without you anymore.”
“You promise?” I whisper.
“I promise. Forever.” His voice is thick and gravelly, and I know he means it.
He won’t leave me ever again.
Our life might have been totally turned on its head, but nothing has ever felt as right to me as Andy does. I know I have to trust my gut on this one.
“And you want to have kids one day?”
“I want to have a whole heap of them.”
I hope one day we’ll be that lucky. I think we deserve the chance to have a family.
“Are you okay, Dylan? There’s no damage to you… you know, from losing her?”
I shake my head. “Not physically. Everything still works like it should. The only damage is in my heart.”
He rubs slow circles on my back as he looks into my eyes.
“I bet she would have been beautiful,” he says, and it makes me love him just a little bit more.
“She was.”
“I’m so sorry, Dylan,” he says again.
I shake my head. “Right here and now, can we agree that there’s nothing to be sorry for anymore – not from either of us?”
Mr. January: A Second Chance Romance (Calendar Boys Book 1) Page 12