by Guy Bass
“Man-Lor … is saved?” said Man-Lor, as he and Kryl watched the blue house – otherwise known as the Omnium Gatherum – come to a rough landing on the island. The thunderstorm vanished as suddenly as it had arrived. A moment later the front door swung open.
“Did someone call for a dramatic rescue?” said a voice. From the doorway appeared Nigel, a barrel-chested bragon with rainbow-striped wings, a covering of dark red scales and an impressive plume of purple hair. He peered over a small pair of spectacles, adding, “Sorry it took us a while to get here – who would have thought there was an ocean all the way up in the sky? It was the rarewolf who followed your trail – and made all the thunder and lightning, by gosh!”
“Yes, well, there are some benefits to being an ancient god of the storms,” grumbled the rarewolf, squeezing awkwardly through the door. The huge grey wolf was as tall as a horse, with curled tusks and eyes the size of plates.
“Rarewolf!” squealed Princess Rainbow, running over to him and hugging one of his legs. “I knew you’d save us! You’re the most bestest pet I ever had!”
“Not this again…” sighed the rarewolf, not sure what to do with the princess’s undying affection. “You do remember I’m the King and Queen’s sworn enemy and that they slaughtered my entire race…”
“But you’re soooo fluffy!” squeaked the princess, burying her face in his fur. “I’m going to cuddle you ’til you ’splode!”
The rarewolf groaned loudly. Frog, meanwhile, remained slumped on the ground, King Kroak’s words still burning in his brain.
“I’m going to blow that world of yours into a million dusty pieces, right in front of your face.”
“Frog, are you all right?” said Kryl gently. “Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you who I was before now. I—”
“Oh, so the truth is out at last,” growled the rarewolf, trying to shake an adoring Princess Rainbow from his leg. “Well, good! If Frog is to fulfil his destiny and save the world, it’s probably best he knows the full story.”
“Leave him alone, beast,” chided Kryl. “Can’t you give your prophecy nonsense a rest for once?”
“Nonsense? The rarewolves’ prophecy is an omen for our time!” growled the rarewolf.
“You believe it, don’t you, Frog?”
But Frog wasn’t listening. He stared, motionless, at the wreckage of his home.
“None of it was real, was it?” he said, finally. “The island … Buttercup … my whole life was just made up to stop me from finding out I was supposed to end the world. And now the world’s ending anyway.”
“But you said you’d stop it,” said Princess Rainbow, crossing her arms. “I b’lieved you.”
“Baa,” added Sheriff Explosion, nudging Frog’s leg with his nose.
Frog looked down at his trusty steed and sighed. Finally, he said, “King Kroak is coming. He’s going to blow the world to pieces in one go.”
“King Kroak is coming here? To Kingdomland?” gasped Kryl. “But … why? When? How do you know?”
Frog thought about explaining that he’d dared his father to come to Kingdomland, thereby dooming the world to the worst of all fates … but he thought it might not go down too well. And anyway, he’d been lied to his entire life. So instead he said, “I just know.”
He held his arms wide apart. “And he’s got a spaceship this big … except a million times bigger.”
“Baa?” bleated Sheriff Explosion.
“The Farthership!” gasped Kryl, clamping her hand to her mouth.
“What’s a Farthership, by gosh?” asked Nigel. Under his breath he added, “Nothing pleasant, knowing our luck.”
“It’s the most powerful ship in the fleet,” replied Kryl. “Its super sunder-cannon can destroy an entire planet. If King Kroak is bringing the Farthership here … we’re doomed.”
Frog stared across the wreckage of his house. Destruction followed the Kroakans wherever they went … and it had to stop. Kingdomland was his home – and he wasn’t going to sit about and wait for it to be destroyed.
“Doomed?” he said, clenching his fists. “Not if we defeat King Kroak, we’re not.”
The (New) Plan to Save the World
The inside of the blue house was just as blue as the outside. It was sparsely decorated with a blue table and chairs, and a simple blue stove and kiln for preparing food. Protruding from the floor by the window was a blue piloting lever, and in the middle of the room stood a blue door, which appeared to lead nowhere but was in fact an entirely magical route back to the royal palace of Kingdomland.
In fact, the only thing that wasn’t blue was a huge pile of stolen Kroakan sunder-guns, stacked up in one corner of the room – spoils from the Defeat All Foes Team’s various raids.
“We few versus a gigantic, planet-destroying spaceship?” began Nigel, as the Defeat All Foes Team gathered round the blue table. “Doesn’t sound like the odds are stacked in our favour, by gosh.”
“Pfff – we’ve got odds coming out of our earholes,” insisted Frog. “I may not have my top invincible sword but I’ve still got” – he rooted in his pocket and pulled out a carved stone talisman – “one last excellent magical!”
“Oh good,” grunted the rarewolf. “It only took a few hundred of those to defeat ten traceships. We’re saved.”
“And that’s not all! Look at all the gubbins we’ve pilfered!” added Frog, pointing to the pile of sunder-guns.
“Guns?” growled the rarewolf. “What use are guns if we have no army to fire them?”
“Could you at least try to be supportive?” huffed Kryl.
“Wait a miniature, the rarewolf’s right!” cried Frog. “We should get our own army. All the proper champions have armies! This’ll be great… I’ll be the top army leader and skilled-up general. Nigel can be my second-best-in-command deputy, and—”
“I’m an ackshul princess – I should be second,” protested Princess Rainbow. “No, wait, first.”
“Sorry, Princess, this is serious business, not sparkly princess stuff,” said Frog. “OK, from now on everyone should call me ‘Green Leader’ … no, ‘Boss Number One’… no, ‘The Mighty Frog’!”
“I’ll call you silly Greeny stupid head,” cried the princess.
“Does it really matter who’s called what?” growled the rarewolf.
“Five, six, seven…” continued Frog, counting everyone in the room. “With my skills I probably count as two, so that’s eight,” he said. “How many do we need for an army?”
“Twelve at least,” tutted Princess Rainbow, crossing her arms.
“Yoiks … that’s heaps,” said Frog, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. “OK, the royal army is killed off or brain-slaved, so they’re no good. Who else do we know?”
The Defeat All Foes team racked its brains. After a moment, everyone turned to Nigel (except Man-Lor, who was staring at his own elbow).
“Why are you all looking at me? I don’t know any— Wait, the bragons?” Nigel blurted. “Impossible! We’re not even on speaking terms since the Great Falling Out, truth be told. We tried to out-boast each other for twenty hours straight…”
“It’s time to put your differences aside in the name of fighting a ginormous spaceship,” said Frog.
Sheriff Explosion added an encouraging “baa”.
Nigel sighed. “Very well, but don’t blame me if they’re no help at all. Bragons live to fly, not fight … and we’re all cowards.” He opened a drawer in the blue table and pulled out a small brass trumpet. “This is the Horn of Hotairia. With it I can summon my brothers and sisters from all corners of Kingdomland.”
“How does it work?” asked Kryl.
“I’ll show you,” Nigel replied, taking off his spectacles dramatically. “But first I’ll need to do what bragons do best – brag.”
“I thought you only bragged so you could fill up with hot air and fly,” said Frog.
“Ah, but sometimes you just have to blow your own trumpet,” explained Nigel.
&n
bsp; The bragon’s reedy voice became suddenly thunderous as he started to boast, awarding himself a long list of extraordinarily egotistical names. He bellowed them out in alphabetical order, from “Admiral Aceface Amazingstone” to “Zoom-balloon Zestypops”. And with each boast, Nigel began to inflate, his barrel chest filling with hot air. Soon, he had swollen to more than twice his size, and begun to float towards the ceiling.
“Ready!” Nigel uttered, as Frog and Man-Lor grabbed a leg each to keep him grounded. “Cover your ears!”
With that, Nigel blew with all his might into the horn. He blew until his red face turned purple, until the sweat poured from his wings, until every last breath of air was blown out of his body. Then:
“Huh… I thought it might sound a bit mighterier,” whispered Frog, as Nigel caught his breath. “Now what?”
“With luck, the bragons will assemble at nightfall, atop the Cliffs of Resentment,” puffed Nigel, replacing his spectacles. He paused for a moment, a grave expression upon his face. “Looks like I’d better start baking … just in case.”
“Baking?” repeated Frog, but Nigel was already making his way to the kitchen.
Frog twiddled his thumbs. Then he stared at the magical blue door leading back to the royal palace.
He rolled his neck until it cracked.
“Pfff – nightfall is ages. Who wants to help me get my sword back?”
The Door to the Palace
“Saving my mummy and daddy is tenty times as important as getting a stupid sword,” insisted Princess Rainbow. “Promise you’ll rescue them! Promise!”
“Fine – if they’re still at the palace, I’ll bring them back,” huffed Frog. “But only so they can make up numbers in the DAFT army.”
“I’ll come with you,” said Kryl. “I have the kroak cloak, too. I can camouflage myself, or—”
“Or pretend to be someone else?” interrupted Frog, pointedly. After a moment, he shrugged and said, “Fine. You can help me carry the King. He’s pretty heavy…”
As Frog and Kryl made their way over to the blue door, they activated the kroak cloak – and disappeared. A moment later, the door opened … and closed behind them.
“Please bring back my mummy and daddy,” said Princess Rainbow quietly. “And some treasure.”
It had been almost an hour since Frog and Kryl had gone through the blue door. Man-Lor was piloting the Omnium Gatherum through the sky, since Nigel was still busy baking. Princess Rainbow, meanwhile, kept trying to plait the rarewolf’s tail fur to make him look “extra-pretty”.
“Princess used to plait Man-Lor’s hair,” Man-Lor sighed.
“Nigel, are you making plumberry pie for my surprise Princess Plumberry Pie Party?” asked the princess hopefully.
“If only, by gosh,” muttered Nigel, sighing a long sigh. “I’m sorry to say that—”
“Blast it all!” interrupted the rarewolf, pacing up and down. “They’ve been gone too long! If that idiot Frog has gone and got himself killed, I’ll … I’ll kill him!”
“Baa?” said Sheriff Explosion, waking from a nap.
“You need to b’lieve like you say you do, fluffy-wuff,” Princess Rainbow replied, klik-klak-ing over to the blue door in her tiny heels. “Greeny promised he’d save Mummy and Daddy, and he promised he’d save the world. I b’lieve him! You should just b’lieve that everything is going to be good and it will be goo—”
The blue door was blown open, turning it to splinters and flinging Princess Rainbow across the room.
“Everything is bad! Everything is so bad!” screamed a battered Frog, as he stumbled through the doorway – now little more than a stone frame – dragging an unconscious Kryl behind him. As Frog collapsed to the floor, sunder-beams streaked through the doorway, shattering windows and blasting great chunks off the walls.
“Gah!” cried Nigel, leaping for cover behind the stove. “What’s happening, by gosh?”
“Kroakans everywhere!” Frog cried. He turned back to see dozens of Kroakan troopers racing from the palace towards the magical doorway, their sunder-guns blazing. More windows were shattered and the blue table obliterated as the Kroakans advanced.
“They’ll overrun the house!” Nigel shrieked, as a sunder-beam burned a path through his hair plume. “If they don’t destroy it first!”
“I’ll … defeat them,” wheezed Frog, trying to get up. “Just give me a minute… I just need to get my mightiness back…”
“Too late for that!” growled the rarewolf. He made for the door as more sunder-beams scorched his fur. “Find something to block up the doorway! I’ll buy you some time…”
“You can’t fit through…” gasped Frog. “You already tried … your rump is too big!”
“Perhaps I just lacked the proper motivation,” replied the rarewolf. “Now, for once, just do as I say!”
The rarewolf went to leave, then he turned back.
“Save the world, Frog,” he added. “I believe in you.”
“Wait!” cried Frog, but the rarewolf was already leaping at the doorway, forcing himself through the cracking stone with all his might. With a colossal effort he struggled to the other side. Frog heard him cry, “Let’s see how you handle an enemy with teeth!” as he pounced on the Kroakans.
“Fluffy wuff!” Princess Rainbow squealed, as she and Frog struggled to their feet.
While Nigel tried to block up the doorway with chairs, they watched the rarewolf tear into the Kroakans with tooth and claw, tossing them like rag dolls or swatting them with his paws. At first he seemed to shrug off the searing sunder-beams, but the Kroakans kept coming at him, one after the other, their weapons blazing. Soon, the beams began to take their toll. The rarewolf cried out in pain.
“Rarewolf!” cried Frog and Princess Rainbow together, as the rarewolf slumped to the ground. He tried to get up, but was quickly buried beneath the Kroakan hordes.
“Hang on, rarewolf! I’m coming!” Frog cried, pushing past Nigel’s feeble chair fortifications. He was about to step through the doorway when he felt a huge hand press on his chest. He looked up and saw Man-Lor staring back at him, shaking his head.
“This is job for Man-Lor,” began the barbarian. “I am Man-Lor.”
Man-Lor pushed Frog and the princess back towards Nigel, and then grasped the doorway in his massive hands. With an almighty heave, he wrenched it out of the floor. His great muscles strained as he carried it across the room, before kicking open the front door.
“The rarewolf is still in there!” squealed Princess Rainbow. “Stop, champ’un!”
But for the first time in his life, Man-Lor did not do as the princess commanded. With the last of his strength, he pushed the doorway out of the house. It toppled, spiralling through the air, and plummeted towards Kingdomland. Within seconds, it had disappeared into the clouds.
The Last of the Excellent Magicals
It was a few seconds before anyone in the blue house moved or spoke. Then Kryl awoke with a start and looked around at the devastation. “What happened? Where’s the blue door? Where… Where’s the rarewolf?”
“He … he saved us,” muttered Frog. “He went through the door to fight the Kroakans.”
“He’s … gone?” asked Kryl.
“He wanted me to save the world,” Frog added, “and I couldn’t even save him.”
“I command we go to the palace and get him back,” sniffed Princess Rainbow, tears streaming down her face. “He was fluffy and smelled of rain, and I command we get him back!”
“Baa,” added Sheriff Explosion sadly.
“I’m sorry, Princess, but we can’t risk it,” said Kryl, dragging herself to her feet. “We can’t ever go back to the palace – it’s overrun.”
The princess wiped the tears from her eyes. “But what about Mummy and Daddy? I want my mummy and—”
“Yoiks, I forgot all about them!” Frog said, reaching into a pocket. “I hope they’re not too squished…”
He pulled out a clenched fist and then op
ened his hand. Two tiny figures tumbled on to the floor. Though they were no bigger than beetles, the princess recognized them immediately.
“Mummy! Daddy!” she squealed. “You saved them!”
“Hail, Kroak!” squeaked the shrunken King and Queen in unison.
“Well, technically they’re still evil brain-slaves … plus I had to use the last of the excellent magicals to shrink them to pocket-size…” Frog scratched his head. “But yep! I totally saved them!”
The King and Queen began attacking the princess’s fingers and thumbs.
“They’re cute like my pet glamsters!” said the princess, excitedly gathering up her parents. “I’ll keep them in my princess pockets. Mummy always said I should have pets instead of friends.”
“We’ll find a way to fix them,” assured Frog, though he had no idea how. “It’s just a shame I didn’t manage to find—”
“This?” said Kryl, limping over to him. From inside her robes she drew out a gleaming sword.
“Basil Rathbone!” cried Frog. “How did—?”
“I wrestled it from the Queen just before you shrunk her,” replied Kryl, handing him the sword. “It cost me a good scratch, but it was worth it.”
“I… Thank you,” said Frog.
Kryl smiled. “You’re welcome. If it goes some way to making amends, then…” She trailed off. Finally she added, “Frog, I want you to know I only did what I did because I am your Keeper. I made a vow to keep you safe. I have betrayed my people and my King to keep you—”
“Man-Lor was told to say when he sees cliffs,” said Man-Lor, from the controls. He paused for a moment. “Man-Lor sees cliffs.”
Nigel hurried over to one of the smashed windows, holding a freshly baked pie in his claws.
“The Cliffs of Resentment!” he cried, looking out. “We’ve arrived, by gosh!”