by Karen Ferry
I sigh and grab her spoon from her hand.
“Hey!” she protests loudly.
“Only fair,” I muse as I spoon up a big dollop and lick the spoon, letting the delicious ice cream melt in my mouth.
She shakes her head but lets me finish off her dessert.
“Look,” she starts then and leans closer towards me. “Kristian loves you. You love him. Just give him some time to come to terms with your past—it’s a big mouthful for anyone to swallow, after all—and do try not to worry too much all the time. Please?”
I sigh and shake my head slowly.
“I’ll try. I can’t make any promises, but I’ll try.”
She frowns a little but then nods once. I hope she’s satisfied with my answer.
“Time will tell, I suppose,” she says.
I narrow my eyes at the wicked gleam in hers.
“Time will tell what, exactly?” I ask, suspicious as well as prepared for the worst.
“If his boabie misses your fanny just as much.”
My mouth pops open in shock, before I break out in hysterical laughter for the first time in two days.
“Aaah, I love you,” I laugh, not even giving a damn when a wayward snort leaves my mouth.
“Love you, too, babe,” she smiles at me.
34
Kristian
Watching a person die from a terrible disease is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, and yet, here I am, being witness to it for the second time in my life, and I feel utterly helpless.
It doesn’t matter that the man lying in that hospital bed abandoned me and Mum all those years ago. I’m not an angry teenager anymore, and while I missed him the first couple of years, the fact of the matter is that I’m okay. The lack of anger is a bit surprising, perhaps, but who gives a fuck?
When a dying person’s last request is to see you, you set aside your old pain and come running.
Maybe I’m a fool for doing it, but as I sit here in the hospital, counting the seconds until my father’s breathing will cease to rise again, I don’t regret answering his call. I only wish we’d had more time together.
Time. There’s just never enough of it.
“Kristian, love?” Mum’s voice breaks my hard stare at Dad’s thin form as he lies on his side, his hand loosely clasped in mine.
“Hmm?” I blink, willing the scratchiness to go away, but it’s no use.
“You’ve not slept at all since you came,” Mum whispers, running a hand through my hair. “Don’t you think you should get a bit of rest?”
Shrugging, I raise my eyes to her.
“It doesn’t matter. I’ll sleep when…”
Unable to say the words, I grit my teeth and look back at the man that’s practically a stranger to me.
“I know,” she sighs and sits down on the chair next to me.
We sit in silence for a long time, neither one of us willing to leave his side. Finally, Mum breaks the silence by clearing her throat.
“I almost didn’t phone you about Lasse,” she whispers.
I turn my face and frown.
“Why not?”
She looks down but I twist in my seat to tuck her long, blonde hair behind her ear. I don’t want her to hide from me.
“Come on, Mum.” I try to twist my lips into a small grin, but it feels like I can’t get my mouth to work properly. “Tell me.”
She takes a deep breath and I feel a pang of grief in my chest, pinning me down, when her grief-stricken eyes meet mine. Slowly, she raises her head and slumps back in the black hospital chair. She looks as exhausted as I feel.
“Because I didn’t think I would be able to see him like this—so devoid of life, unlike the man he used to be—and a part of me wanted to protect you from seeing him, too.” She blinks and dabs at the tears on her chin. “I’m your mother, and no matter how old you get, I want to protect you from harm. It’s part of my job description.”
“It’s okay,” I murmur and lift my hand to rub soothing circles on her back. I smile at her before I look back at my dad. “Despite the fact he wasn’t part of my life for so long,” I sigh, “he’s still my father.”
“Thank you,” Mum whispers. I shrug when she puts her hand on my shoulder. “No, Kristian, please look at me.”
I do as she asks, but my attempt to keep the tears at bay are in vain. Being here brings back memories of Rose—her battle against leukaemia—and the exhaustion mingled with the finality of the situation are just too much to take. Mum frames my face and wipes them away with her soft hands just like she always did when I was a child.
“It means a lot to him. He’ll be able to rest in peace now.”
I take a shaky breath and nod before turning my head back to him. I stop counting the seconds, but never tear my gaze away from him. His hand twitches in mine, making me squeeze it just a little bit tighter. I hope he can feel I’m here.
“You’re going back to Scotland, aren’t you?” Mum asks me then.
A twinge of a different kind of sadness pierces my heart.
“I shouldn’t be surprised you’ve already worked that out, I guess. You’re right, though.” I wet my lips and offer her an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry, Mum, but…my home is there, now.”
“Because of that woman you’ve met? Laura?” Her lips turn down but I shake my head.
I wonder if I can get away with a white lie, but discard the thought immediately.
“She’s the main reason, yes,” I start, instinctively knowing that I have to tread carefully here.
Her eyes draw closer together,
“There’s more than one?”
I grin at her.
“Her daughter, Ailith, is another.”
Mum’s eyes grow as wide as saucers and while I never thought I’d be able to smile given where we are, I can’t help it.
Thinking about my girls always does that to me.
No fucking letter will change that.
“Oh,” Mum breathes and then slumps in her seat, clearly surprised by my revelation.
“Look,” I start. “I want you to meet both of them soon, but…not just yet, okay? I have…” I bite my lip and run a hand through my hair. “We have a lot of things to talk about first, Laura and me. But, once they’re over and done with, I hope you’ll fly over for a visit.”
Mum’s eyes soften and she rubs her hand over her thighs, thinking about what I’ve said.
“I’d love to meet her,” she finally says and tilts her head at me. “Do you have any photos?”
I smile as relief fills my insides.
“Fucking thousands,” I grunt, overcome with emotion.
She shakes her head at me.
“Language.”
“Yes, ma’am,” I nod and turn my head back to Dad as his breath grabs our attention. I sit forward in my seat and place my forehead on our clasped hands when his breathing turns heavy, yet shallow at the same time.
“Go, Dad,” I whisper softly as tears clog up in my throat once more “It’s okay.”
I feel Mum’s arms come around my shoulders, and as we wait, I keep thinking about my girls at home.
Nothing in Laura’s letter matters, except for those six words she wrote at the end.
Come back, please. I love you.
Yeah. A love like ours is the kind you don’t ever let go.
I know it deep down to my soul.
And I know she feels the same about me.
Why else were some of her words smeared, wet from her tears?
I lean my back against the wall outside Dad’s room and slide down to sit on the floor. I don’t know what time it is, only that it’s the middle of the night. There’s an eerie feel to a hospital when it’s this late. The lamps above my head are dim, and it’s so quiet, you can hear every single sound.
I pull up my knees and reach for my phone in my back pocket. As I swipe the screen, the photo I took of Laura, Ailith, and me only a few days ago stares back at me, and warmth settles in my soul at the wa
y Laura’s tucked into my side, laughing at the camera as I took the selfie.
Fuck, I miss her.
The hole in my heart has grown ever since I told her goodbye yesterday, and even though I know she’s probably asleep right now, I have to hear her voice.
With trembling fingers, I find her number and press the green button. I put the phone up to my ear and grip it tightly as I wait for her to pick up.
“Kristian?”
The sound of my name on her lips is all it takes for the ache in my heart to dwindle, making me feel less bereft.
“Hey, sweetheart,” I whisper.
“How’s your dad?” she asks immediately.
I close my eyes and let her concern wash through the phone, her caring way like a balm to my soul.
“You’re incredible.”
Her sharp intake of breath tells me she didn’t expect that.
“The most courageous, wonderful, and gorgeous woman I’ve ever met,” I whisper, “and I don’t fucking care what you had to do to survive.” I bite my lip and try to find the right words to tell her how much I long to be with her. “Dad’s gone,” I finally answer her question. “It didn’t take long.”
“Oh, baby,” she breathes. “I’m so sorry. Is there anything…?”
“When I get back home, we’re going to sit down and talk about our future, do you hear me?”
“Kristian, are you sure you’re thinking clearly?”
I chuckle as my eyes blur.
“As clear as I’ve ever fucking been, sweetheart. I’m not leaving you or our beautiful girl again, and I’m going to show you every single day of my life that I mean it.”
“Our beautiful girl?” she whispers, her breath hitching softly. So softly that if I close my eyes, I can practically feel her right next to me.
“Yeah. You and Ailith are mine, Laura. Eventually, you’ll believe me, though I hope it’ll happen before the day I ask you to be my wife.”
“What?”
The quiet shock in her voice rings through my ears, and I grin into the phone.
“You heard me.”
“But, well, um…”
Like a steamroller, I push right through, needing to let it all out before I succumb to exhaustion.
“I love you, sweetheart. My future belongs to you if you’ll have me. That will never change. But now,” I sigh, “I think I’m about to keel over, so I have to go. I’ll phone you tomorrow.”
“Sleep. Eat. Drink. Then sleep some more,” she answers, almost tripping over her words in her haste to get them out. “Then we’ll talk about everything.”
“Goodnight,” I murmur softly just as my eyes begin to fill with black spots. I don’t even hear her answer as my ears start to ring, and feeling like a heavy blanket is thrown over my head, I fade away into nothingness.
Laura
From Laura’s Journal
It’s been a week since I last spoke with Kristian, and the longing increases with each passing day. I can’t wait to see him again, and as I count down the days until he returns, I feel more at peace with myself than I have before.
I never expected to feel so much lighter in my heart, but baring all my secrets to him has helped me come closer towards healing the gaping wounds in my heart and soul completely. I never expected that.
There are a lot of things I never expected.
It finally feels like the part of my humanity that I lost the night James died has been restored to me. As if Kristian, and his love for me, were all I ever truly needed in order to become whole.
I did not expect that, either.
I was fully prepared to live the rest of my days alone—or as alone as you can ever really be on a farm with horses all around you—but he changed me. He disrupted my world, tore it apart with his quiet ways—with his patience and selfless acts.
But it is not Kristian alone who has woken me up.
It is accepting that love does not destroy everything in its path that’s done that.
Love is the real magic on earth.
Love does not rule me—nor does it make me weak.
I know that now.
The healing powers it possesses is the most wondrous thing that I have ever come across.
The fact that Kristian accepts me for exactly who I am is something I am beginning to marvel at. It seems silly, but…who can turn their back on love when it is offered without any strings or obligations?
I can’t, and I don’t want to, either.
I do not know what I ever did to deserve a man like him, but I will cherish him forever.
My phone rings, and I jump in my seat, so immersed in my writing I forgot to silence it. When I pick it up, I frown at the Private Number flashing at me and hesitate to pick it up.
No. Enough is enough.
I swipe the screen and clear my throat.
“Who are you?”
The seconds tick by and my heartbeat increases in speed when the mysterious caller doesn’t hang up like he’s done so often before.
“Laura?”
The blood in my veins turns to ice when I recognise the woman’s voice.
“Aileen?” I force the name from my dry mouth, grabbing on to the side of my stool and gripping it tightly for fear I’ll fall down.
James’s mother. My former mother-in-law is phoning me after all this time? It doesn’t make any sense at all.
“I’m…I’m sorry,” her soft voice breathes into my ear.
“Wh-what?” I stammer.
“I’m so sorry. We didn’t…” her voice hitches and turns muffled, as if she’s put a hand over her mouth. “We didn’t know what he did to you, Laura. I swear we didn’t, or we would’ve helped you. Somehow, we would’ve done something. I didn’t raise a monster…I don’t know what happened. I don’t know how or why he became a man you’d fear.”
Tears burn my throat, and I wish I’d never picked up the phone.
“Are you still there?” she asks.
“Yes,” I whisper and force my hold on the chair to loosen. “I don’t know what to say to you,” I croak out. “I…I’m…”
The words I’m sorry hover on my lips, but I can’t get them out.
“That day at the court house,” she whispers, “the last day…do you remember it?”
I close my eyes and swallow the thickness in my throat.
“It’s difficult to forget a day like that,” I finally answer.
“We were so shocked by everything you said about the abuse. We didn’t know,” her voice turns pleading. “And we didn’t know what to say to you while we were still grieving.”
“Why are you phoning me now?” I ask her and get up from my chair, unable to sit still any longer.
“Edward and I…we’re going to start over somewhere else. We can’t…” Her small gasp breaks my heart. “There are just too many memories in Shropshire, Laura. But I felt—well, we both did, and it might seem silly—that we needed to reach out to you just one last time and offer our apologies. And to ask you to forgive us.”
“Forgive you?” I repeat, shocked to my core. “Aileen, I…I killed your son. It was self-defence—it was his life or my own, and Ailith’s, that were on the line. You ought to hate me. Why do you feel you are to blame for what your son did?”
“Because we didn’t see him for who he really was,” she whispers.
The heartache in her voice breaks me in two.
“I…I don’t know what to say.”
My head is spinning, and I get up, reaching for the clasp on the window behind my desk. I need to get my head on straight, or I think I’ll faint. As soon as the fresh air hits my nostrils, I feel more clearheaded again.
“You don’t have to say anything, Laura,” Aileen says softly in my ear. “I hope you’ll accept our apologies.”
I blink furiously, refusing to shed another tear over James or his parents.
“I accept.”
“Thank you, Laura.” The relief in her voice is palpable. “How’s Ailith?” Aileen asks th
en, taking me completely by surprise.
“She’s good,” I breathe. “Beautiful. Kind. Spunky,” I laugh softly. “Growing up so fast. You know how it is with children, yeah?”
“Yes, I do. Goodbye, Laura. I hope you’ll find happiness again. You deserve that.”
A crazy idea takes root in my head.
“Wait,” I raise my voice, almost shouting. “If…” I hesitate, not sure if this is a good idea.
“Yes?” she asks, the puzzlement clear in her voice.
“I can’t make any promises,” I start, weighing my words carefully. “But text me your email address, and I’ll think about sending you some photos of Ailith from time to time.”
“You’d do that?” Her voice trembles so hard, I can hardly make them out.
My mind’s already made up, but I don’t tell her that.
“Maybe.” I blink as I look down at the courtyard and watch Ailith walking her pony, Lucy, out to the paddock. “She’s still your granddaughter, Aileen.”
Silence falls between us once again, and as I wait patiently for Aileen to make up her mind, a taxi pulling up our driveway grabs my attention.
“I have to go,” I start and turn to my door.
“I’ll text you,” Aileen finally replies.
“Good luck to you and Edward,” I sigh into the phone.
“Thank you. Goodbye, Laura.”
“Goodbye.”
Quickly, I end the call, putting the old pain to rest at last.
Hope blooms in my heart as I run down the stairs.
Kristian’s home.
When I reach the base of the stairs, I take a quick moment to look into the mirror hanging on the wall. My hair’s a complete bird’s nest, my cheeks are flushed, making my scar seem more hellish than usual, and I’m only wearing yoga pants and a top underneath a bright red sweater. My feet are covered in thick, lamb’s wool socks, and I look more like a slob than the clever businesswoman that I am.
I grin at my reflection and put the phone down.