“I was thinking of staying for the obligatory stuff and then sneaking off to our room for the main event.” He knows I was staying all night with him, enjoying the full prom experience.
He signals for the check and pays it as quickly as possible. I’m being tugged from the restaurant to the safety of his truck where he pushes me back, cushioning my head with his hands. I watch his tongue dart out and wet his lips, his head descend, finally feeling his lips touch mine. Mouth claiming mine. There is no teasing, no coaxing a reaction from me; it’s full attack mode, and I relax into his assault and enjoy the ride. He releases my mouth and places his forehead against mine, staring inside of me, peering into every crevice of my mind and soul. “I love you.”
“For always.” He just nods and closes his eyes. He gets me settled in the seat and buckled in before heading to the hotel where prom is being held. Lucky for us, it’s the same place we have a room. I giggle like a schoolgirl when I realize what is going to happen tonight.
“What’s so funny?”
“This is so cliché. I planned it to be, but all these things are running through my head.”
“Like what?”
“I’m blossoming into womanhood. You’re going to pop my cherry. Just the tip. Any fucked up saying you can come up with, I’m replaying it in my mind.”
“We don’t have to do this.”
“I know, but I want to. I’m just nervous.”
“Me too.” Admitting that pained him. I can see the pink tinge to his cheeks, the uncomfortable way he’s rubbing his neck. I reach over and grab his hand.
“At least we don’t have anything to compare this to.” I try to lighten the mood.
“There’s no comparison to you, Ems. No one comes close.”
“Lets go drink the spiked punch, dance to a song, pose for cheesy prom photos. Followed by getting naked.” We both start laughing, and for the first time tonight, my stomach isn’t in knots when I realize this is us. William and Emma. Natural progression. Fate. Kismet. And any other platitude you can add, it fits us.
We avoid most people as we walk in, stand in line, and get our photos over with. Holly and Andy find us and we get our punch, which hasn’t been spiked yet. I can’t help the grin as I meet his eyes, devouring and worshiping me in front of everyone. I notice his posse hasn’t shown up yet, and I’m hoping to make our escape before they appear. Kelsea Ballerini plays through the speakers, ‘Dibs’ echoes through the room, and I grin as I grab William with one hand and Holly with the other. She latches on to Andy as I pull us to the floor and laugh as both guys stop and stare at Holly and I dancing and singing the words to them. I would have preferred a slow song for him to be able to hold me to, but this will do. I jump in his arms and peck him on the lips. “Okay, all obligations over. I got the prom experience, now take me to our room.” He buries his face in my neck and breathes heavily. “All mine,” I whisper in his ear.
“All yours.” His words are a conviction. A vow. A promise I bask in.
The elevator ride is quiet with both of us in our heads. Our eyes dart to one another and shy smiles, sly touches commence, but we are being reserved. All bets are off when the door closes. He dims the lights. Turns down the bed. Caresses me from head to toe. Clothes are discarded. Kisses given. Touches prominent. Our hands melding to one another’s body, feeling each curve and dip; memorizing each other by feel, transferring love through touch.
We fall to the bed. We are a tangle of limbs, twisting and turning, grasping and grunting, pushing and pulling, tongue and teeth, lust and love combined. He plays my body like a concert pianist, and I sing the song composed for him. As his last thrust enters me, the prom theme song echoes down the hallway. ‘Tonight’s the Night’ by Blaire Hanks wafts through the room as my lips gasp one last time and my body crumbles under him. I store every touch, kiss, word, and promise to memory.
In my darkness, I can reflect on this night.
In my solitude, this moment will bring me peace.
In his absence, this will feel like home.
Chapter Fourteen
William
The last few weeks pass in a blur. I have graduation today, and training starts in a week. Seven days with my girl and six weeks apart. I don’t know if I’ll get to come home for weekends. This is my first camp, so I don’t know what to expect. Seth and the guys have backed off, knowing they got what they wanted, and I hope that rings true tonight. I’m not interested in any parties after the ceremony; I agreed to a family dinner, including Emma’s family, and I have a room for us after. None of the parental units know that tidbit, but I’ll allow them to think we are hitting the parties. Some lies I can live with as long as I spend some much-needed time with Emma. Since prom, we have had limited time, and I’m craving the connection with her.
Dinner is stilted. During the ceremony Nana had a breakdown; too much noise, a large crowd with many well-wishers greeting her, and when she couldn’t place everyone she became frustrated and acted out. I hate comparing her to a toddler having a meltdown, but that’s the reality of it. I’ve done my research wanting to be supportive of Emma, and it breaks my heart. It’s a defense mechanism in Alzheimer’s patients, but knowing the facts and dealing with the reality wage war with your heart and your head. You understand the reactions, but that doesn’t make it easy to watch.
Luke left to take Nana home, and I could see the struggle in Emma. She wants to be here for me, but she wants to be at home with Nana being the one to care for her. Both Phoebe and Luke have tried to put their foot down and limit her time being Nana’s caretaker, but Emma can be a firecracker when pushed, and she is adamant that she be a constant in Nana’s care. I understand and agree with her parents’ wishes. She is taking a burden that no teenager should have to. Hell, an adult shouldn’t be subjected to the pain and loss that happens daily. Each week she seems to deteriorate more, and I’m leaving at the worst time.
“Ready?” I’ve said goodbye to my parents and Phoebe. Emma has been checked out for the last half hour. Her half-assed attempt at a smile breaks my heart. “We can go by and check on Nana before we go out for a bit.” I know that small conciliation will appease her.
“Thank you.”
“No thanks needed, babe. I’m here for whatever you need. All you have to do is ask.”
“You seem to read me without me having to ask.” She links her fingers with mine.
“That’s my job.”
A few tears run down her face unchecked. “I’m gonna miss you so much.”
“I’ll be back before you know it. Besides, you’ll be busy with summer school, my little scholar.” She is determined to keep busy, and her next two years are going to be filled to the brim with academics. She’s taking foreign language during summer and three AP classes next year. She says she’ll continue it her senior year, as well. She’ll graduate from high school damn near a sophomore in college. I’m pleased she’ll be busy but a bit worried she’s taking on too much. Again, trying to reason with her is futile, so I have to let her be.
I pull up in her driveway and follow her in, both of us trying to be quiet. Luke is watching the news and looks up as we come in. I hand him the box Phoebe gave me, knowing it has his favorite meal in it. “Thanks. Where is my wife?” He bends and kisses Emma’s forehead.
“She said she was going to have a few glasses of wine with my parents.” Luke chuckles and shakes his head.
“How’s Nana?”
“Emma,” he chastises her.
“Dad.” Her tone is mocking, and it elicits another laugh.
“She was in a state by the time we got home. I gave her the sedative, and she fell right to sleep. Some situations are too overwhelming for her.” He pulls her close. “We knew this was going to happen.”
“Not this soon.” Her voice breaks, and I watch helplessly as she breaks down in her father’s arms. I see the war he is fighting keeping his emotions in check as he does his best to comfort her. After a few minutes, she seems to compose her
self as she excuses herself. I don’t fool myself that she is going to clean her face; she is bee lining for her Nana’s room to check in.
“She’s taking this so hard,” Luke sighs.
“I don’t know what to do for her.”
“You’re doing a great job, William. I want to thank you for all the support.”
“She’s my Nana, too.” Maybe not in the biological sense, but in every other way it matters, she is my grandmother.
“I know, Son, and I hope you know she would be proud of you today. It’s in there somewhere. Trapped. Lost.” His voice trails off.
“No doubt.” I look over my shoulder when I think I hear Emma but she’s not in sight. “I’m thinking of deferring my scholarship or giving it up all together. I can do two years here at community college. I won’t have to leave Emma.” I know it’s a risk, and I’ve weighed all the pros and cons. I don’t trust Brian and Seth, but if they are at school it should be safe. If things heat up, I’ll ask for help, let them all know what’s happened.
“No.” Em’s voice startles me. “You aren’t giving up your scholarship, your chance to play ball, your education. I won’t let you.”
“Emma—” I begin.
“I agree.” Luke grabs my attention. “I appreciate the offer, but I’ll tell you the same thing I’ve told my daughter. I know this is hard, so many variables, but it isn’t either of your burden to carry. You are kids, and I want you to fulfill your dreams, live your life, go to school, play ball. Leave the caretaking to us. She’s my mother, and I’ll be damned if I won’t give her the same care she gave me all those years ago.” I don’t think Emma realizes she is shoving her dad to the wayside as she tries to barge in and handle her Nana. He is struggling to do right, do what his heart is telling him to do through all the pain. He wants to take care of her, not out of obligation but from love. Admiration. Respect.
I nod and turn to Emma. “Let’s go.” I’m going to try to talk to her tonight. She’s wearing blinders and isn’t seeing anyone else’s perspective in this. I hope she’ll listen. Our drive is silent, both of us lost in thought. Nana, me leaving, her school load, the guilt, the pain, the sacrifice. It doesn’t seem like it’s worth it in this minute, but I push the doubts back and focus on the big picture. Both of us getting an education, me playing professional ball, starting our own family . . . I see it so clearly and have to keep that motivation.
I go check in and come back to get Emma. We make our way to the room and both collapse on the bed. “We need to talk.” I stroke my fingers down her arm and clasp her hand.
“Okay.” She doesn’t meet my gaze.
“Ems.” I press for her attention.
“Just get it over with. I don’t know why you brought me to a hotel to dump me.”
“Babe, listen to me. I’m not dumping you now or ever. You need to relax.” Her eyes snap to mine, fire blazing in them. I know she is winding up to hand me my ass, but I’m happy to see anything other than sorrow in her vision.
“Don’t be an ass. I’d love to relax. Perhaps a mani and pedi. Oh wait, my world is imploding. My Nana is off her fucking rocker, my dad is going to have a heart attack from the anxiety and pain, you’re leaving, my mom is busier than ever at the studio. Holly is with Andy and taking a three-week cruise with his family, so when I find a chance to relax I’ll jump right on it.”
“You done?” Sometimes it’s best to let her burn hot and sputter out.
“Yes.” Her tone tells a different story, but I’ll try.
“I wanted to talk to you about your dad and Nana. I saw something tonight I don’t think you’re looking at. He’s close to breaking, that’s all you see, but he won’t. He needs to be the main one to care for Nana, and being in a constant battle with you for that title isn’t helping matters. That’s his mom, Ems. He feels helpless as it is, but having you take over and fight him for the responsibility is making him feel worthless.”
I watch her face crumble and feel like shit for being the one to bring her the pain, but she has to see it.
“I think I knew that, but I’m trying to protect him. As much as it hurts me, I know it kills him. If I can save him one ounce of pain, I want to do it.”
“That’s not the way this works. Does being with her all the time, caring for her, ease any of your pain?” She shakes her head. “It doesn’t for him either. You’re going to feel it regardless of who takes care of her. That’s the part of this you have to accept. Each memory that disappears, each fit thrown, every time she forgets your name . . . it’s going to hurt, and nothing you do or don’t do will change that. I wish I could fix it, take it all and carry it myself, but I can’t. You have to fight through it and continue doing what you’re doing but relinquish some of that to your dad.”
“I feel like every day I say goodbye to her. She’s still here, still breathing, still looking like my Nana, but then her eyes search my face trying to place me, or she forgets a memory I’m reciting to her, can’t recall my name, screams at my dad or mom, pushes me from her room . . . I lose her everyday, and it never gets easier.”
I bring her in close and hold her. “I know, baby. I know. I don’t think it will get easier. Some things you may get used to. The repetitiveness, the questions, those are easy to overlook, but the big things…the memories, the love . . . those may disappear from her mind, but they are in her heart, and they need to stay in yours. You have to find an outlet for how you feel, or it’s going to crush you, and you won’t be good for anyone.”
“I love her.”
“She loves you. You know in here,” I place my lips over her heart, “you are her entire world.”
“I need you.” Her mouth crushes to mine, and I know she is trying to escape all the thoughts swirling in her head, and for now I’ll be her outlet. I’ll give her anything she needs, and if it’s my body, our connection, that will allow her to escape this hell, I’ll gladly let her use it and give her control.
Each kiss fuels the fire.
Each moan stokes the embers.
Each thrust threatens to create combustion.
Each whispered word of love fans the flames.
Until we extinguish it together.
I hold her for hours after, basking in the afterglow and wonder how the hell I’m going to get through the next two years with sporadic visits.
Her touch is the balm to my scars.
Her voice is the calm to my storm.
Her love is my entire existence.
Chapter Fifteen
Emma
Find an outlet he said. Slow down my dad said. You’re too thin my mom said. Get out of my room Nana hollered. The thoughts hammer through my head, overtaking the music blasting in my ears as the pounding of my heart mimics the thudding of my running shoes as I lap the track mile after mile. This is a fucking outlet. I run in the morning. I run after school. I run after a breakdown from Nana. I run after the five-minute phone calls I get from William. I keep running in search of my place. Never finding the solace I’m seeking. Never finding answers to all the questions swarming in my head. They’re all unanswered.
William comes home today, and I feel so disconnected from him. Six long weeks. I know his schedule was grueling, and I could hear how tired he was when I talked to him . . . for the full five minutes he was allotted. My life here feels like it’s been on a constant loop, replaying the horrid days on repeat. I can’t stop the reel from starting over. Nana’s medicine isn’t helping, she likes to slap and has recently taken up biting. I hear my mom and dad discussing a memory care facility, and I cry myself to sleep every night. I cancelled the celebration we have every year for my birthday. I know it’s selfish robbing my parents of this day, but I feel like being a brat. My cupcakes won’t be made by Nana, she won’t give me an elaborate, over the top present that will send my dad in a tizzy, and my parents have enough on their plate. I told them we’d celebrate it when things calm down. I don’t think they will, but I can let them off the hook without guilt and pushing me
to change my mind.
Brett is picking up the slack at the office for my dad, and James is taking additional classes for my mom because Nana can’t be alone any longer. Week after week passes with more and more clarity as to what we are up against. I can’t fight it for her, my parents can’t . . . she can’t. It just is. I hate that saying. I get there is no cure, some medicines work and sometimes shit happens and we roll with the punches. Lately, I want to dole out the punches instead of taking hit after hit. It’s been harder without being able to run to William and hide. He’s my escape, and he’s absent. I find myself in his room night after night, clutching his pillow, stealing a shirt to sleep in. Brett and James never say a word, just watch me with sadness as I trek in their door and hibernate in his room for hours. They stopped asking if there was anything they could do after the third week. Two weeks ago James gave me a bottle of his aftershave, and I’ve doused my sheets and pillows in it. I find myself holding the bottle in front of my face and just inhaling.
He’s my drug.
He’s my fix.
He’s my cure.
He has to be because I can’t do this without him. The problem is that I have to. He has two weeks at home before football season starts for him and school for both of us. It’s like hell week for me . . . Groundhog Day style. Get up, go to school, eat, do homework, cry, sleep, and repeat. Oh, and run. Miles and miles. Time and time again. I seek the abyss that eludes me, each time running farther and harder than the last. My outlet doesn’t beat back the onset of emotions that flood me at each bend in the track, each verse playing in my ear sparks another image, a fleeting moment etched in my mind but disappearing in another’s.
It seems to be a never-ending cycle, and I’m out of ideas how to fix it. One thing running does is make me weary at the end of the day, so I fall into a fitful sleep. I figure three hours of interrupted sleep is better than the zero I was getting. The cramps that assault me when I’ve pushed myself too far help me focus on something other than the ache in my heart. The shin splints shift my focus again. That’s what I work towards; the onslaught of physical pain to numb me to the brash truth that my world is careening out of control.
Embracing Emma (Companion to Brisé) Page 10