by Lynn, Delisa
Brody comes over and brings a pizza and wine. He knows those are two of my favorite things, but I can’t eat or drink. I just lie on the couch, holding Liam’s pictures.
“Lila, sweetie, you need to get up and eat something. At least drink some water,” Evan says.
My phone keeps going off. Evan answers and tells them I don’t want to talk. Evan and Brody stay with me; I don’t move from the couch.
Evan sleeps beside me all night. I don’t sleep, but he and Brody sure do. I have to pee badly, but I don’t want to move. I just want to die right here. I've lost my Liam, the man I was ready to spend the rest of my life with.
My phone starts ringing and it wakes Evan up. I don’t move; I just look at him. Evan answers the phone. “Hello. Yes, ma’am, she’s awake. Okay, I’ll…Yeah, no problem. I’ll have her call you soon.”
“Lila that was your mother. She’s worried about you.”
I wrap my arms around him and cry. Brody tries handing a cup of coffee to me, but I still don’t move. I've sat in the same spot for almost twenty-four hours.
My phone rings again. It’s Addison; I can tell from the way Evan is speaking. “Okay, but I’m not sure…okay, okay! Okay, go ahead.”
He puts my phone on speaker.
“Lila, can you hear me?”
I nod my head. Evan says, “Yes, she can.”
“Lila Rae Carls, you get your ass up off that fucking couch right now. You hear me? You need to get up! Liam would not want this; you need to live your life. Do not make me fly there because I will and I’ll beat the crap out of you for not taking care of yourself.”
“Lila, it’s your brother,” Eric says. “Honey, please get up and eat. I know you’re upset, but you need to get up. We’ll be back home tomorrow. Are you coming home? Lila, answer me!”
“Er-Er-Eric.” I finally get the words out. I haven’t said anything in over a day. “No, I’m staying here. I’ll be there next month.”
“Evan, you take care of my sister. Will you be there or are you going home?”
“I’m staying right here,” Evan answers. “I have no plans. And I’ll take care of her.”
They finally hang up and I don’t say another word. I just lie in Evan’s lap. He keeps kissing my forehead and wiping my tears. I hear water running; I think maybe Brody is going to shower.
He walks in and looks at Evan. “You ready?”
Evan nods his head, stands up with me in his arms, and carries me to my bathroom. Then he sits me in the tub.
“Oh my gosh, it’s cold! What the hell are you guys doing?”
“We're taking care of you. You look like death and haven’t eaten or slept in almost two days. I’m not letting you sit like that anymore. You're starting to smell.”
“Then just leave! I’m fine without you! I don’t need anyone! Not even you, Evan! Get out of my house now. I don’t want to look at you. Get out of my house!”
I hit his chest with my fists. He grabs my hands and pulls me in closer to him.
“I’m not going anywhere. Now, Brody will leave if you want him to. But me? I’m not, so get used to it. I love you, and I’m not letting you do this to yourself or to us.”
Tears are rushing down his face. Brody pats him on his back. I’m so glad to hear him say that. I don’t really want him to leave; I’m just upset.
“Either take a shower or I’ll give you one,” he says.
He takes his shirt off and gets in with me. When Brody walks out of the bathroom, Evan turns the water back to warm. He stands me up and takes my clothes off, then he washes my hair and body.
“I sent Brody to get my clothes and you some food.”
“I-I’m not hungry.”
“You will be.” He dresses me. “Is this the perfume you wear all the time?” I nod my head and he sprays it on me. Then he brushes my hair. “Do you want to brush your teeth? I’ll do it if you don’t.”
I pick up my toothbrush, but I can’t even look in the mirror. I brush my teeth and cry while Evan stands there, staring at me. I really can’t believe he’s doing all this. I don’t feel like doing anything.
I try to force down the food Brody brought. I realize it’s my twenty-first birthday and that I lost the love of my life one day before my birthday.
“Today is my birthday,” I say absentmindedly.
“Yes, and we’re going out later. I’m not taking no for an answer!”
I finally force down my food. I want to read the letter from Liam. “Can I be alone to read Liam’s letter?”
“I’ll be right here. If you need me, just yell.”
I walk into my bedroom, leaving the door open. I sit on my bed and open the letter. My hands are shaking badly as I read it.
My beautiful Lila,
I hope you aren’t reading this, but if you are, that means the worst has happened. First of all, know I loved you with all of my life and I never stopped. Your surprise was my new tattoo with your name on it. Now I have a world on my chest because you're my world.
Lila, I hate to write this. I’m not sure what’s going to happen, but just in case, I wanted you to know everything and for you to be taken care of. There is a bank—do you remember the one we drove by going to my house? Everything I have and own now has your name on it. There is an account there with your name on it. There was no way I was coming here not knowing what would happen and not make a will.
Everything is yours, beautiful. I want you to live in the house; please don’t sell it. I know that you need to move on. Please finish school and live your life. Find a nice man to love as much as I love you. Please continue to find my birth mother. There's a letter enclosed for her too. I've also enclosed one for Addison. You can just tell everyone else that I loved them. I loved all my family, but Addison was the sister I always wanted.
My beautiful L, I’m so sorry that I've done this to you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life making you happy, making beautiful little Lila’s. I hope by some chance this letter never finds you and I’m back in your arms where I belong. But if we never see each other again, I want you to know that I have loved you since the day we met. All the nights you would stay over, I wanted to tell you. Then you started dating that cousin of mine. I knew he was no good for you. I was one lucky man to get to spend what time with you that I did. Making love to you the first time was also my first time. I haven't been with anyone else, Lila. Having that first experience with you made it worth the wait.
Remember to look to the stars and you'll see me shining down on you. You were my angel on earth and now I'm yours in heaven.
Love Always,
Your Liam Ellis
I hold on to the letter, put “What Hurts The Most” by Rascal Flatts on repeat, and lie in my bed with Liam’s army T-shirt on.
I must’ve cried myself to sleep. Next thing I know, Nikki is shaking me awake.
“Nikki, what are you doing here? Liam is gone. They can’t find him.” I launch into her arms, sobbing.
“I came to check on you. They aren’t sure if he is dead or alive. Please don’t give up hope. Come on and get up. Evan is worried about you. Let’s go celebrate your birthday. You need to eat and get out of this place.”
“I’m not worried about my birthday. I want Liam.” Why can’t they understand my pain?
***
We go bowling first and then to dinner. I know I’m not a joy to be around. They sing Happy Birthday to me and I just want to crawl under the damn table. How the fuck can they expect me to be happy? The love of my life is somewhere dead and they want me to celebrate my birthday? I’m so numb; I don’t think I’ll ever be happy again.
~Chapter Nineteen~
Nikki leaves the morning of Christmas Eve. It’s just Evan and me. I beg him to go home, but he won’t leave me. My parents want me to come home, but I don’t want to go. I’m going home the first of the year to help try to find Liam.
The army has finally contacted the Ellis’s. They said it took so long because Liam’s address is for his ho
me in San Diego and it took them a while to track his last known address to the Ellis’s. They said they are still looking for Liam and the others. They assume it was a crash somewhere between Kansas and Colorado.
Evan and I are getting closer and closer.
“Lila, I love you so much. I enjoy spending every minute with you. I hope that we can be together. I know right now your heart is in a different place, but I can’t help how I feel about you.”
I know he means well, but I feel like he's already considering us an official couple because Liam is missing. I guess a lot of it is my fault for clinging to him. I’ve held on to Evan for everything. Anytime I was down, he was there to lift me up.
Evan and I spend Christmas together. I bought Evan's and Liam's gifts when I was home last month. I left Liam’s gifts at my parents. I got Evan a new briefcase. He'd eyed it a couple times when we shopped together. I also got him a new guitar strap that says Country Boy at Heart. I love to listen to him play, and I want him to think of me every time he does.
“You shouldn’t have gotten me all this,” Evan says.
“I wanted to!”
I think this is the first time I've smiled in days. He bought me a beautiful white-gold bracelet with purple and yellow butterflies between each diamond. It looks really expensive.
“You shouldn’t have,” I say, tears of happiness bubbling in my eyes.
“Don’t be silly, you deserve so much more. That reminded me of your tattoo.”
“It’s just like my tattoo. I love it!”
I lean over and kiss him. Then he hands me another box. It’s another pair of Ugg boots. I squeal as soon as I open the box and see them. He thinks it’s funny that I wear them with everything.
***
I spend the rest of the week with Evan. We cuddle and talk and I listen to him play his guitar. I miss Liam so much. I pray he will come back, but I know, once he does, I’ll have another numb spot in my heart for Evan.
When the first of the year comes, Evan wants to come with me to look for Liam, but I want to go alone. This is something I have to face without him. I explain that if I need him, I’ll call.
Ashton is there when I arrive. He's going to help me find something out about Liam. It's been eight months since we’ve heard from him and almost a year since I've seen him.
Finally, we talk to some official in the army, but we don’t receive the news we want. He tells us that Liam is missing along with ten other people, exactly what Vinnie said.
It's all coming true. I've lost Liam for good. They have no clue where these eleven people are or even if they're alive. How can all these people be missing and no one know their whereabouts? Liam promised he would always come back to me. He said he would never leave me and now he’s gone.
I've fallen in love with him and he disappeared on me.
I go to the beach house that night and sit on the beach and cry. I look up at the sky. All the stars are dim except for one big one. I’m not sure if that's the sign Liam had mentioned in the letter, but the star reminds me of the night in the park with Liam, the first night he confessed his love to me.
All I can do is think of the nights we've spent together here and how hard I tried not to fall for this man. I fell madly in love with him anyway.
Thoughts of Evan creep into my mind and I realize I’m madly in love with them both. I put my head between my knees and cry. I didn't think anyone was around, but I feel an arm wrap around me.
“Liam?”
“No, babe, it’s Ashton.” He sits next to me and pulls me in close to him.
“I’m sorry you have to go through all this. I know you may not believe this, but I miss that dude.” I look up at him, tears falling.
“Why are you here?”
“I didn’t want you to be alone. I was worried about you and knew you needed a shoulder to cry on. I was an ass, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. I've loved you since we were kids, but I knew you would end up with Liam. He's better for you. I’m no good.”
“You aren’t that bad. I was just hurt and mad at you. Thank you for being here.”
I wrap my arms around his waist and we sit on the beach until the sun comes up.
We talk about our childhood, our relationships, and his plans for the future. I leave the beach house with different thoughts about him. He's a good guy, just in his own way.
***
Before going back to New York, I go to Boston to spend some time with Eric and Addison. I figured they would like that as much as I would. I hear Addie's big old Ellis mouth as soon as I walk through the airport.
“Lila Rae, I’ve never been so happy to see you in my life.” She hugs me and kisses my cheeks.
“Me too, Ads. I’ve missed you and I needed one of those big Ellis hugs. I needed you. Why didn’t you come to me?”
She starts crying harder. Eric puts his arms around us both.
“I wanted to so bad. I knew you needed me, but I couldn’t see you like that. Evan called and said you were a zombie and I just froze. I couldn’t collect my thoughts. Baby girl, I know you needed me and I’m sorry for being selfish. I just couldn’t see you like that. You’re one of the bravest and strongest women I know, but Evan said you weren’t yourself at all.”
“I understand, I know you’re hurting for him too.”
She smiles, hugs me again, and then kisses my cheek.
“Your brother is nicer than we give him credit for,” I say. “He came to check on me at the beach and sat with me all night while I cried in his arms.”
She has a strange look on her face. “He didn’t ask for any?”
“He knows where my heart is.”
She snorts and says, “Well, with him, you never know.”
“Hey, Lila, did you forget about your little brother?”
“How could I forget my favorite brother?”
“I’m your only brother, dork. You look good, sis.”
I know he's lying because I still look like shit. I haven’t worn makeup or done anything to my hair other than a messy bun or ponytail in months.
I enjoy my week with the two lovebirds; they seem so happy, but seeing how happy they are makes me miss Liam even more. If he were here, I know we would be just as happy as they are.
Evan is back in New York, waiting for me to get home. I’m ready to go back, even though I don’t have any classes. I've taken three months off. I leave Ads her letter from Liam and tell her to read it after I’m gone. I say my goodbyes and head to the airport.
***
I'm glad to be back in Evan's arms. I missed him and his hugs. He makes me feel like everything will be okay.
“Damn Lila, you look so pretty. I’ve missed you so much.”
“I missed you too.”
I lean over and lay my head on his shoulder as we walk to the car.
“Corner Café?” I ask.
“Anything you want. Did you find anything out about Liam?”
“Nope, nothing at all, just what we already knew.”
I haven’t been feeling well and thought maybe it was because of everything I've been going through. Then I realize that I haven’t gotten my period in over a month. The day Evan and I spent together, we made love and didn’t use protection…but I’m on the pill, so I can't be pregnant.
Oh, hell no! God, please don’t let me be pregnant! I don't mention it to Evan.
While he's at work, I go to Walgreens, get a pregnancy test, and take it. It shows up positive. No! This can’t be happening. Oh fuck, what am I going to do? I haven’t seen my boyfriend in a year and I’m pregnant. That would make my parents proud of me for sure.
I call Nikki to see what she thinks. “Lila, calm down. It could be a false positive. You’ve been so stressed out.”
“What should I do?”
“Go to the doctor. Tell Evan. Do not keep this from him.”
She's right, I have to tell him. I send him a text.
Me: Evan, can you please come over?
Eva
n: Yes, sweetheart. Everything okay?
Me: Yes, just want to see you ;)
***
When he walks through the door, I try to prepare him and myself by easing into what I need to tell him. “Evan, don’t freak, but I need you to go to the doctor with me.”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, I just may be um…I may be pregnant.”
“What? Oh! The day in the woods.”
“Yep, that would be the day.”
“Well, let’s go. Did you take a test? Are you okay? How do you feel? Can I get you anything?”
“I’m fine. Yes, I took a test, but I need to find out from the doctor.”
I’m hoping and praying that I’m not pregnant. I’m not ready. What am I supposed to tell Liam when we find him? Is this a sign that I’m supposed to be with Evan?
We arrive at the clinic. I sign in and the medical assistant calls my name. She takes me in a small room, takes my vitals, and asks me a million questions. She gives me a cup to pee in. When they take the cup to run some tests, I’m still praying it’s negative. A young lady comes in a few minutes later.
“Hi, Lila, I’m the nurse practitioner here. My name is Sherry Reynolds. Your test is negative, but I still would like to draw your blood and do a test so we are one hundred percent sure you aren’t pregnant. Sometimes the urine test can have errors. This test will be more accurate.”
The medical assistant comes back in and draws four tubes of blood. I hate needles and having my blood drawn. When the girl inserts the needle in my arm, I think Evan is going to pass out.
“You know if you're pregnant that I'm not leaving you and my child, right?”
“I know you wouldn’t. We'll just need to wait for the test and be more careful next time.”
“Did you say next time?”
“Yes, I said next time. I’ll always love Liam, but I’m not sure where he is. If he does come back, you know I’ll go back to him. Do you understand and are you okay with this?”