“You shouldn’t be out here.” Styx’s deep voice drifted toward her just as he stepped out of the woods and headed directly for her.
“I’ve come to find you.” Her beast perked up at the sight of him, and she took a deep breath as if to wrap herself in the aroma of him. The deep evergreen scent with fresh rain and crisp…apples. It was the apples that threw her off, but she was certain of it now. Earlier, she hadn’t known what the sweet, slightly fruity scent was, but now she had no doubt.
“I’d have come back in a bit. There was nothing that should have brought you out here.”
“You brought me out here.” She closed the distance between them until she was only a few steps before him. “Why do you look at me like that?”
“Like what?” He clasped one hand over his opposite wrist and watched her.
“You look at me like you want me, but at the same time as if you want to run. What about me makes you so appalled?”
“You think this is about you.” A deep chuckle sent a sparkle of glee to his eyes.
“You don’t want to be mated to me, and I get that. I’m not strong, or a fighter, but unless you’re willing to kill me, then we’re stuck with each other. I’m sure as hell not going to commit suicide just to make your life easier, and I don’t have the skills to kill you even if I wanted to.”
“It’s just like a woman to think they have it all figured out.” He shook his head. “Catnip, you have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Really?” She tipped her head to the side in question. “I think I see it quite clearly. You’re not happy with this mating, which is fine because I’m not sure how I feel, either, but we’re going to have to deal with that.”
“How do you suggest we deal with it?”
“I suggest you start by explaining why you seem to despise me.”
“I don’t, and if that’s what you think, you’re not looking closely enough. Either that or your misreading the situation.” He nodded to the bench. “We won’t get any privacy in the cabin so why don’t we sit and talk.”
“I hope if I’m going to sit out here in the freezing cold and the snow you’re going to tell me what’s going on with you.” She strolled forward and took a seat on the bench.
“If you think this is cold, wait until you get to Alaska,” he teased and sat beside her.
“So?” she questioned when he didn’t make a move to tell her what the issue was.
“I spent more than half my life as an assassin, and have only begun to atone for the blood on my hands since I’ve become a part of the Alaskan Tigers. I’ve been promoted from a perimeter guard to one of the Elder guards, but it’s still not enough. Have I tried to change people’s opinion of me? No, because it keeps the Elders safe and that’s my goal. I have much that I still haven’t accepted in my past, so how can I expect my mate to accept those things? I expected more time to atone for what I’ve done before mating, so that my mate would be able to see the changes in me. Most just see me as a cold-blooded killer that I take someone’s life without emotion, but it’s not true.”
“Since we’re being honest, I’ll admit that you scared the every loving hell out of me when I found out who you were.”
He smirked at her. “I remember. I thought I’d have to knock you unconscious to get you into that SUV and onto the plane. That would have just been another thing we’d have to overcome to make this work between us.”
“I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but I think we can do it.” She reached out and placed her hand over his. “Maybe it’s this mating bond between us, but to me you’re a different man than you were before. Coming to my rescue proved that. The point is, I’m not terrified of you like I was before. Am I thrilled with your past? Maybe not, but our past brought us to where we are. It would’ve been easier to keep quiet about my support for Tabitha. But then I wouldn’t have been here, and I wouldn’t have found you.”
“Our past and our decisions brought us here, but once the mating is cemented, you’ll know how grizzly my past is.”
“But I’ll also know the man you are now, and the man before me matters more than the person you once were.”
He scooted closer and put his arm around her shoulders. “Here’s to a future of brighter tomorrows and less looking into the darkened past.”
They sat there in silence for a moment, and she realized they had overcome something. It was the first hurdle, but it was something, and there was an ease between them now. “Styx…” She tipped her head up to look at him, her cheek brushing against the thin material of his shirt. “I need…I need to see them. I need to see David and anyone else who survived.”
“I was afraid of that.”
“Afraid of that, why? Do you think he’d call me back into a trap?”
“It’s possible it could be a trap, but if we’re going to go, we’ll make sure we’re prepared.”
“What do you mean if we go? I told you I need to go.”
“But the question is, can you handle what you might find there?” He adjusted to look at her but kept his arm firmly around her. “We know David survived and there must be some others who survived, otherwise he wouldn’t have claimed Alpha status, but we don’t know if any of your other family members or friends survived. Going and finding out that most or all of them are dead is going to be a shock, and you’re going to want to grieve but we can’t show any weakness.”
“I am a weakness.”
“Catnip, you’ve got more fight in you than you give yourself credit for. You survived for days on your own. Your spirit has been broken, but you’re not weak. The sense of freedom you have now is sparking the tigress within you to rise. The beast won’t be stifled easily this time.” He tangled his hand into her hair, his fingertips brushed against her scalp. “I’m going to help you regain your sense of freedom. No one will ever hurt you again.”
“I don’t want you to do it out of some misplaced duty.” She was tempted to pull back from him to prove her point but it wasn’t just the beast that had been stifled before, it was also the woman within and in that moment she wanted to be free. She wanted to feel his caresses and embraces, even if it was just because of the mating bond, and not out of love.
“You’re not a duty. You’re my mate.”
“Then I guess there’s only one thing left to do.”
“If we’re going to Connecticut, I guess there is.” He let out a deep sigh.
His gaze left hers and went skyward, but something about it let her know that he wasn’t seeing the stars overhead that lit the night sky. Somehow, the decision to accept this mating had added distance between them again. Only, this time, she wasn’t sure what caused it. “Styx…”
“Come on.” He rose from the bench and started toward the edge of the trees. “We can’t do this at the cabin unless you want to kick out Theodore, but I know of a place.”
With little choice but to follow him if she wanted to move past this current bump, she rose from the bench and followed after him. “I don’t think I understand you. One minute I think we moved past this wall that you use to shut everyone out, and the next you’ve done it again. What was that sigh for? There was a look in your eyes that screamed you’d rather be miles away than do what we’re about to do.”
“Conflicting emotions.” He didn’t even bother to turn around when he answered her, he just kept his pace as they made their way between the trees.
“I know that feeling, but aren’t we supposed to be in this together?” She stopped dead in her tracks. “Damn it, Styx, this is hard for me too, and I’m getting a little tired of the mood swings coming from you. One minute you seem content with this mating and the next you’re pushing me away. It’s throwing me off balance and I don’t know if I’m coming or going.”
“I have a feeling it’s only going to get worse as the night progresses.” He stopped but didn’t turn back to look at her.
“You’re not unworthy.”
“What?” He spun around to look at her
and even in the darkness she could see his body tighten.
“Theodore said you believe you’re unworthy of mating because of your past.” She crossed the space between them and came to stand just before him. “You’re not.”
“That bear talks too much.”
“He’s enlightening.” She smirked. “I’m being truthful. You’re not unworthy of this.”
“I’ve stolen the last breaths of more people than I care to count. I’ve left widowed mates in my wake and for what? The excuse that I thought I was delivering justice only goes so far, especially when you consider how most of the kills were based on lies. My former Alpha deceived me and many others, but I didn’t realize the lies until it was too late.”
“You know the number.”
“What?”
“Don’t stand there and tell me that you don’t know the number of people you killed because you do.” She reached out and placed her hand over his bicep. “Every single time you’ve killed, it’s stayed with you.”
“How do you know this?” His voice was rough but he didn’t pull away from her.
“This bond between us is overwhelming, and most of it I can’t make sense of yet because it’s so jumbled, but this I know with undying certainty. You have conflicting emotions because you haven’t accepted your past.” There was a sadness in his eyes that let her know that she was speaking the truth. “But there’s a part within you that wants this mating, and it’s not just the tiger urging you on. Focus on that.”
“Catnip, you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into it.”
“I’m not going to be appalled by what the connection shows me. You’re more than the man of your past, and I’ll remember that. But have you considered the fact you might not be pleased with me, or what you see during the bonding?”
“There’s nothing that I could see that would change this.” He uncrossed his arms from his chest, and placed his hands on her hips.
“I’m not the strong woman you need by your side, but I’ll try.”
“You don’t see yourself in the same way I see you. It took courage to run, to keep Frank’s men off your trail, and to stay alive while you were waiting for us. That’s strength.” He stared down at her for a moment before he added, “You have no idea what you’re getting into—”
She interrupted him by shaking her head. “Not that again.”
“I’m not talking about mating with me. I mean by supporting Tabitha and coming back to Alaska with me. It’s dangerous, and we have many more battles before us.”
“With you on the frontlines.”
“It’s my duty, but more than that I do it because I know what the world will be like when Tabitha has completely claimed her place and everyone follows her.”
“How much opposition is there?” Talking about him being on the frontlines of their future sent a chill of fear through her. How much danger would her mate be in?
He glanced around the woods, and even as he did so, she let her beast come a little closer to the surface to get a better idea of their surroundings. Was there something that sparked his interest in the darkness? She couldn’t smell anything other than the woods and fireplaces.
“Not here.” He turned and kept his arm around her. “There’s a small guard cabin not far from here. It’s vacant since Jinx bought additional land a few years ago and expanded the perimeter. We’ll have privacy there.”
She leaned close to him. Anyone who was watching would have thought they were just two lovebirds, but she did it to keep her question from being overheard. “Is there someone watching?”
“There’s no one nearby, and even if there was, this clan is our ally. There’s just no use standing out here in the cold any longer.”
She let him lead her toward the cabin, while she scanned the darkness. There was no doubt her mind that he was always on alert, and if there was any danger in the area he would have already reacted to it. Nevertheless, something had changed. It was subtle, but it was there. Were there more enemies to Tabitha’s regime than he wanted to admit?
Chapter Eight
There was a thin layer of dust over every surface, making it clear the cabin had not been used in a while, but at least they were sheltered from the cold wind. The inside was bare except for an old table without any chairs and a bed. Even though they had been in bed together before, it had been innocent. Now, the bed against the back wall seemed to scream their intentions. Mira sat down on the edge of the bed, rubbing her hand against the thin plaid comforter.
“There’s opposition just as there would be with any change.” He stood near the window and watched her. “As time goes on, they’ll see what is happening is for the best. Otherwise, we’ll have to deal with them.”
“Deal with them, as in kill them?”
“There are other alternatives to killing them. We’ll try to reason with them first. In the end it will be their decision. We can’t leave someone in power who is opposed to us, otherwise all the good that Tabitha and Ty are doing will be for nothing. Does that bother you to know I might kill again?”
She met his gaze and shook her head. “No. Maybe it should, but it doesn’t. I know the reasoning for it, and if you can take an Alpha like Frank out of his position of power, then I don’t care how you do it, just that it’s done. The clans who have Alphas like him need to be free. Hopefully, it won’t cost them the same price I paid.”
He cleared his throat. “I know you want to go to Connecticut, but I think we need to call your brother in the morning and see where things stand before we fly out.”
“Why? So you have more time to adjust to this mating?”
“This mating has nothing to do with it. I want to make sure it’s safe enough for you to return. Frank has ruled for years, breaking the will of every clan member until there was no fight left within them. There are bound to be supporters within the clan, and if David hasn’t gained control of them it will be dangerous for you. They’ll see you as the final task Frank wanted complete and will seek to eliminate you. I’m not going to take the risk just so you can see your brother.” He crossed the small space to kneel before her. “I know you want to go, but I won’t risk you. He might need time to gain control over the clan before you can visit.”
“Are you just doing this so that we don’t have to complete our mating tonight?”
“No. I’m still planning on doing that. It will put us on solid ground, and we’ll know where we stand with each other. Otherwise, we’re going to continue to have this war of emotions raging within us. I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of it.”
She was beyond tired of it. She felt as though every time she got her bearings, something slammed against her, knocking her off-balance again. The mating might help, but she also suspected it would give her yet another wave of uncertainties. They were being forced together, but it wasn’t out of love. It was very much the same as arranged marriages. Only she wasn’t sure the two of them could ever have the relationships she’d witnessed with other mates. Would they ever fall in love with each other? Or would it always be the connection of their beasts that kept them together?
* * *
When Styx referred to the ups and downs as a war of raging emotions, he wasn’t underestimating it. That’s what it felt like. Every time he thought he had things under control, his thoughts would carry him away again, back into the past, bringing a new wave of doubts before him. If she was to be his, then she’d have to accept what he came from, and the only way to do that was for her to see it for herself.
“Are you ready?”
“As ready as I’m going to be.” She started to tug up her sweater, but he placed his hand over hers, stopping her.
“You’re nervous. Just take a deep breath and let it out. Let your tigress lead the way and stop thinking like a human. If we’re heading to Connecticut soon, we don’t have time to get to know each other better and take our time to come to this point. We’ve got to take the leap of faith, and know that it will be better on the ot
her side.”
She did as he asked, and after a few deep breaths her body began to relax. He wrapped his hand around her wrist and pulled her up until she was standing before him, the fronts of their bodies touching. “We’re going to take it slow, and if you want to stop just say so. This is somewhat an unusual mating, what with the rush, so we need to trust in our destinies and our tigers.”
“What lies in my future couldn’t be worse than where I’ve come from.”
He hoped that was true but a vindictive Alpha might have been more doable than what she will see in his past once the mating bond has formed. With a vindictive Alpha there were ways around that and ways to stay out of his path of torture. On the other hand with a mate she was stuck with him. Even if she was appalled by what she saw within him, her beast wouldn’t give up what was between them.
“Don’t look at me like you’re expecting me to run screaming from the room.” She placed her hand on his arm, just above the elbow. “We both have things from our past that we’re not proud of, but we’ll get through it. It’s not like we have a choice.”
“Just because the mating bond would be in place, it doesn’t mean it would be a happy mating. You could despise me and not be able to stand the sight of me. That would be worse…” He stopped himself before he could finish. It might be worse than anything he’d encountered in his past, but he wasn’t willing to show how much he wanted someone to accept him. Not even to his mate.
“Let’s get this over with.”
He didn’t like the sound of that, as if she had already decided this wasn’t going to work, but he was willing to risk the mating bond in order to get her back to her brother and clan. “If you want to go home, maybe the distance will keep the pain from the denied mating away.”
Tiger Tracks (Alaskan Tigers Book 9) Page 8