by Shona Husk
The fragility of life struck home. He could die today. Had he done what he wanted to? Or would he be angry that he hadn’t and he’d lived someone else’s life the way his father had? That was it, his father had done the right thing, he’d done what was expected and what was needed, but had never stepped back and taken a bit for himself.
Kurt looked at the burger and thought about all the meals he would have to serve on the boat for the next two years: the cooked breakfasts, the roasts and sloppys, the midnighters. All things he could do even with the challenges of the small kitchen, and the operating requirements.
He closed his eyes. The navy wasn’t his dream, even though he liked being on the boat. It had saved him, but now it was drowning him. He didn’t want to end up like his father, living the safe option and hating every moment. He had to get out. Do it now and move on. What was the worst thing that could happen?
He didn’t find a job cooking. Or rather, he couldn’t find a job cooking in a place where he wanted to work. But there were always jobs in cafes.
The pay cut would hurt but he’d survive. He had enough savings to survive for six months without working, maybe longer if he was really careful.
The jobs out at the mines paid well, but again it was shift work where he’d be away most of the time.
The indecision was back. Too much choice and no security. He hated to admit it, but knowing he could keep plodding along, doing his job and the courses required for promotion and he’d have a job for life, did have a certain appeal.
Until he died of boredom.
Existing wasn’t living, and he’d watched his old man exist for years.
His father’s voice reminding him that he was a failure echoed in his mind. But it no longer raised the anger it once had. Now he knew why his father had been bitter and mean, his taunts had no power. His father had been talking about himself, not his son.
Kurt wrapped up his uneaten meal and threw it in the bin.
He wasn’t going to make his father’s mistakes.
Chapter 17
Rainy rested her head on her hand. Sunny was cooking dinner, and there was music going. She’d skipped drinks and come straight home, hoping she’d be able to get an early night. But Sunny and Lily had been so happy so see her, she’d thrown that idea out of the window as soon as she’d walked in.
While it had been another exhausting week at sea, things had gone smoother. There had been no more gossip and Hessey seemed to have learned how to shut his mouth—that or someone had told him to pull his head in.
The only thing missing had been Kurt. And yet it had been easier knowing he wasn’t there, and knowing she didn’t have to watch herself so carefully. That he’d put a halt to what they had still burned. It shouldn’t. She’d known it was a short-term thing. It should’ve only been one night. It shouldn’t have happened at all.
‘You’re not listening to me.’ Lily poked her in the arm with her pencil.
‘Sorry.’ She shook her head and tried to concentrate on helping Lily with her math homework.
Long division, and the workings had to be shown so no calculators.
Sunny had arranged for another date tomorrow and then Rainy had duty on Sunday. Weekend over. Then there was some maintenance to do next week. They were getting closer to leaving. Four months at sea should be long enough to work through her comp log and get qualified. That was what she had to think of now.
It was all she had to think about.
A month ago that had made her perfectly happy. She hadn’t needed or wanted anything else in her life.
The front door bell rang. ‘I’ll get it.’ Rainy stood; she was still in her cams, but she’d taken her boots off. She padded along the polished wood floor in her thick black socks.
The front light was on and there was a shadow on the opaque glass panels. She took a few steps into the living room and peeked through the window to see who it was. Her heart almost stopped.
Kurt.
He was obviously back from Sydney. She swore softly. He had no right to turn up at her front door. They were done. They’d agreed.
The bell rang again.
Lily came running up the hallway and saw her standing by the window. ‘What are you doing?’
‘Checking to see who it is.’
‘Who is it?’ Lily peeked around the curtain, the fabric moved and Kurt turned his head. ‘Who’s he?’
She was very tempted to say he was a door-to-door salesman. But it was too late to ignore him. ‘A friend. Go finish your homework.’
‘Oooh, a boyfriend?’
‘No, a work friend.’ They had agreed to be friends, and there was no way to really avoid that. Besides he was a nice guy and fun to be around.
Lily stopped grinning. ‘Boring.’
Rainy took a moment, so that she looked calm, not still angry with him—because really the only reason she was angry was that he’d ended it first. In the game of chicken they were playing, he’d folded. That made her smile. Yeah, that was definitely better than thinking he’d gotten tired of her faster than she’d tired of him.
Rainy put on a smile and opened the door. ‘Hi, didn’t expect to see you here.’
He winced. Good.
In the kitchen Sunny and Lily were talking, their voices a murmur set to the music.
‘I got back today.’
She nodded. ‘How was it?’
‘Like a funeral.’
‘I’ve never been to one.’ She was sure that losing the family dog didn’t compare losing a parent.
‘Lucky you.’ He shoved his hands into his pockets, the cold breeze swirled around them and into the house. ‘I wasn’t in a good place when we spoke.’
Was this going to be an apology? Did he expect to be invited in for sex now that he’d changed his mind? Her body warmed at the thought. Not going to happen. It was done and should never have continued once she’d realised who he was. They were over.
‘I get it, you were under pressure on all fronts. I’m sure everyone onboard will be happy to keep you.’ She meant that. He was a good cook and he belonged on the boat. The gap had been felt this week.
He shook his head. ‘I made some rushed decisions just to have them made.’ He met her gaze. ‘But I’ve had time to think and work a few things out, or maybe they became clearer. I can’t do another two years. I have to get out and see what happens.’
‘Either come in or go out, you’re making the house cold.’ Sunny called down the hallway.
Kurt looked at her. ‘It’s a bad time for you. I know you’re just back, but I wanted you to be the first to know.’ He took a step back.
‘Wait …’ She should let him go. ‘Come in for a little bit.’
‘Are you sure?’ He hesitated, expecting her to change her mind. What had changed his so rapidly? A tiny part of her hoped it was her. Maybe they weren’t over. The thought warmed her even though she tried to suppress it.
‘Keep it G rated.’
‘Got it.’
She let him past and closed the door. He stood in the hallway looking as uncomfortable as he had that first time. ‘Lounge room.’ She flicked on the lights and waited for him to take a seat. She didn’t sit next to him, even though she wanted to touch him. ‘Why the change of mind? You said were staying in.’
‘I was tired of thinking about it, and us and the risk. Then going home for the funeral on top of it. I wanted everything to be easy. But after I called you and I started dealing with Dad’s stuff, I don’t know … it didn’t sit right. Then I learned a few things about Dad that I never knew. I can’t play it safe and take the easy route the way he did. If I do I’ll end up a miserable drunk like him.’
She watched him for a moment, not sure what to say. ‘Are you sure this time?’
Or would he change his mind again next time things got hard?
‘Yeah, the nerves are back and the excitement of doing something different has started. I feel like I can start living again instead of being on hold.’ He smiled, and
it reached his eyes the way it rarely did on the boat. He did seem happier now, he’d certainly been miserable the last time she’d been at his place. Gnawed by indecision.
‘Did you really feel that way on the boat?’ She couldn’t imagine going through the motions, her life on hold. What was the point in living like that?
‘I stayed in two years ago because I didn’t have enough savings. I was scared of screwing up and it was easy to stay. They make it easy to stay.’
She frowned. She’d never felt that way, as though she had no other option. ‘I enjoy it.’
‘Some people do. I don’t regret the time I’ve spent. I really did enjoy the first four years. But I want to do something different. I want to be able to have a real relationship.’
What was a fake relationship? Did he think what they had was fake. Was it really a relationship or simply sex, made more exciting because they shouldn’t be doing it? ‘I’m not sure I understand.’
Sunny stepped into the room. She gave Rainy a pointed look before smiling at Kurt. ‘Shall I set an extra place for dinner?’
‘Kurt, this is my sister Sunny and her daughter Lily.’ Lily stuck her head out from behind her mother, having suddenly discovered that she was shy. Ha … give her five minutes and she wouldn’t be able to stop talking.
Kurt stood up. ‘Pleased to meet you. I didn’t intend on staying. I only came to see Rainy.’
‘I’ve made plenty. Potato, bacon and corn chowder … although no food critiquing as I’m sure I won’t measure up.’
Rainy shook her head at Sunny, and mouthed no. But it was too late. Her sister knew it was over and she was still inviting him to stay.
Kurt glanced at her with his eyebrows raised in question.
She pasted on a smile as though she didn’t mind what he decided. Great, it was meet the family night and he wasn’t even her boyfriend. ‘I’m sure you’ll love it.’
‘Thank you for inviting me.’ And he looked genuinely happy about staying.
‘Well I’ll be serving up in about five minutes.’ Sunny smiled and gave Rainy a look that only a smartass older sister could pull off.
There would be payback.
Rainy waited until Sunny and Lily were gone. ‘You’re not my boyfriend. You didn’t have to.’
‘I’d like to be your boyfriend.’ He offered her his hand, which she took, and then he pulled her up. She was dangerously close to him. One more step and she’d be able to put her arms around him.
There was only one way he could be her boyfriend. ‘You’re going to post off the boat.’
‘I am.’
They wouldn’t have to sneak around. It was so tempting. Except she was sailing. ‘I’m leaving in two weeks.’
‘I know.’
No, he had no idea. She shook her head. ‘And you’ll be waiting for me on the other side?’
‘Why not?’
‘It never works.’
‘You know that’s a lie.’
‘It doesn’t work for me. I’ll come back and find someone else’s pink lace panties in the bathroom.’ That memory was crystal clear. It might have been over a year ago, but it wasn’t nearly as far behind her as she thought it was. She’d rather remember the good times with Kurt than have them all erased by the bad.
‘I get that. I made a point of breaking up with every woman before I sailed so I didn’t run that risk.’
‘Well you were obviously smarter than me.’ She’d done two deployments and she had the horrible feeling that her ex had cheated on her both times. That she’d caught him had been pure dumb luck. The horrifying thought was what if she hadn’t and she’d stayed with him? Would she have ever applied for sub school if her comfy life hadn’t been shaken and spilled?
‘You were braver than me. You were willing to take that chance. I never was. I’d pretty much decided that was it until I got out. Until I met you. Then I wanted to see what would happen regardless of the risks. I didn’t want to break up with you even though I knew it was the right thing to do. I didn’t want you to blame me, and hate me, when it got found out.’
Rainy looked down at her sock-covered feet. ‘It was meant to be one night.’
‘If you hadn’t seen me the next day I’m sure it would’ve been. You would’ve never returned my calls.’
‘You were actually going to call?’ She’d wanted a second date but at the same time had fully expected it to never happen.
‘Around Wednesday … I think that’s how it’s done, interested but not needy. I like you. And I want to give us a chance.’
‘There is no us. I can’t go to sea leaving someone behind.’ She stepped away from him. ‘I just can’t.’
‘You don’t trust me.’
‘If the situation were reversed, what would you do?’ She already knew the answer. He’d break it off. That was what he did. In some ways they were exactly the same.
He looked away. ‘If you’d asked me a week ago I would have told you everything you’re telling me. But now, I’m not prepared to give up on what I want.’
‘And what about what I want?’ She wanted him, but he couldn’t know that otherwise she might agree to do the long-distance thing again. At some point she’d have to, otherwise she’d be forever single. But she wasn’t sure she was ready to go there again when the scars from last time were still so fresh.
‘Dinner is on the table.’ Sunny called out.
Rainy closed her eyes and drew in a breath. ‘If I wasn’t sailing I’d be happy to see where this was going. Do you remember what it’s like to be on that first trip knowing you need to qualify? If I don’t have time to write, how are you going to feel? Are you going to wonder what I’m doing in port? Who I’m with? Are you going to be jealous that I’m spending more time with Blue and Lovell than with you?’
‘I don’t think you make a habit of picking up guys for one-night stands. I don’t know if I’ll get jealous, maybe. But they’re my friends. I’ve known them for years.’ He touched her arm. ‘I’ve spent years on that boat. I know how it works. You don’t have to worry about me.’
But she did. She’d worry the whole time about what was going on. She shook her head and pulled away before stepping into his embrace. ‘Don’t make this hard.’
‘Tell me you don’t want me. That it was nothing more than sex.’ He lowered his voice and glanced up the hallway. ‘And I will walk away.’
Rainy raked her teeth over her lower lip. She couldn’t say that, at least not to his face. ‘Why couldn’t you be like every other guy, get the sex and then disappear?’
***
She walked away and left him standing in the living room. That had gone well. She’d opened the front door and spoken with him. Breaking it off over the phone was a pretty dumb thing to do, but hindsight was always crystal clear. And he hadn’t lied. When he’d spoken to her he’d been crushed by everything that was happening. The fear he’d be caught with her had been weighing on him ever since Hessey had started the rumour about Rainy and Blue. He’d smiled and laughed along because he couldn’t very well admit that it was like a knife in the gut.
He heard the women talking in the kitchen, but couldn’t understand what they were saying over the music. He was sure Rainy was having words with her sister about inviting him to stay for dinner. He’d sensed the tension and while he hadn’t planned on staying, this was one family dinner he actually didn’t mind attending. He was going to prove to Rainy he would make an excellent boyfriend. Although the idea of having a relationship where his partner was away for half the year did worry him.
While he knew the navy, he also knew too much.
But he also knew that walking away from Rainy without giving it a chance would be a mistake. The kind he’d regret for years.
He walked into the brightly lit kitchen. The dining table was clear and the table set. There was an open bottle of wine and dinner smelled great. He sat opposite Rainy who was sitting next to her niece. Lily was giving him the cool assessing gaze of a child who wasn’
t entirely sure that him being there was a good thing. He hadn’t much experience with kids. He tried a smile and got no response.
He glanced at Sunny. ‘This looks great.’
After a week of take-out and sandwiches it was nice to have a proper meal—airplane food didn’t count.
‘Thanks. Wine?’ Sunny offered him the bottle. He could have one, maybe two depending on how fast Rainy kicked him out after dinner. He wouldn’t be able to buy himself an extra date with dessert this time.
‘So Rainy says you’re the cook on the boat.’ Sunny said between spoonfuls.
He glanced at Rainy. How much had she shared with her sister? Everything? Heat crept up his neck. Hopefully she hadn’t shared too many details. ‘I’m going to be posting off.’
‘So you can see Rainy without getting into trouble.’ Sunny winked at him.
Rainy was concentrating on her dinner as if she expected the bowl the run away any second.
Seeing Rainy freely was a side effect, but not the reason. ‘It was time for me to leave. I thought about staying, but if felt wrong. It was habit.’
‘Did you show Rainy how to make the French toast sandwiches?’ Lily’s head tilted.
‘Yes. I like to make things up.’ And with an almost empty cupboard it had been a challenge. It had still been a better-stocked cupboard than his father’s. He pushed away the thought but it stuck. There’d been another carton of beer in the pantry, along with some instant noodles.
The conversation moved away to what Lily was doing at school, Sunny’s studies and what they were going to do while Rainy was away. Rainy explained familygrams and promised to bring home the codes and also her mailing address while she was away.
‘Is it fun to get familygrams?’ Lily was smiling now.
He didn’t know. ‘When you’re away from your loved ones it’s always nice to hear from them, even if it is really short premade phrases.’
Rainy looked at him. She understood what he wasn’t saying. He’d never received a familygram or mail. He didn’t have any family to send that stuff. That sucked when everyone else was reading theirs. But then, most of the guys getting mail were married or had girlfriends, or families who gave a crap. He and Blue sulked together. Blue would have no one to be lonely with this trip. Kurt hoped Kylie would send him something; she had to realise that sailing wasn’t all roses and it was hard being away from home.