The man’s eyebrows rose slowly. “You want me to rewind the conversation to when we both agreed that the Lord wants us to let go of our plans?”
Toby sprang to his feet. “Believe me. I’m not getting married. It’s not something I want.”
Jenna’s dad pursed his lips and studied Toby. Then he gently asked, “And why not, son?”
Because Toby would no doubt fail at that, too.
He just shrugged.
Mr. Crest leaned on his armrest. “What if one of you falls in love with the other, but the other doesn’t feel the same way?”
“Well, like I said, I have no interest in dating. And seeing as I’m pretty sure Jenna hates me—” Toby scratched the back of his head “—I don’t foresee that being an issue.”
Her father nodded. “I’ve noticed her glares in your direction. Do you know why?”
“No clue.”
“Why don’t you ask her?”
Toby sighed. Could it really be that easy?
Mr. Crest folded his hands in his lap. “Go into that kitchen for me and send Kasey in here. I promised I’d teach her to play chess.”
Toby shook his head as he walked into the hallway. Leave it to Mr. Crest to immediately set Jenna and Toby up to be alone. Well, fine. Toby would corner her and try to get to the bottom of her anger.
Chapter Five
The air felt heavy and stuffy inside the church. It was mid-September. They should still have the air-conditioning running. Was it broken? Not likely, as the building was only a year old.
Jenna bunched the fabric of her shirt in her fist and fanned it, trying to cool down.
The young pastor of Goose Harbor Community Church—Jacob Song—bowed his head for the final prayer, and Jenna tried to focus, but that seemed to be an effort in futility recently.
Yup, pinpointed to the moment Toby returned to Goose Harbor.
She shifted in her seat and stared at the palms of her hands. Breathe. In and out. There. Not so hard, is it? But it was. When her mind started spinning, when her chest started to feel compressed, it was.
Air. She needed some fresh air and space away from a roomful of people. Sure, she loved the members of her church and Pastor Song was an excellent preacher, but anxiety was unpredictable that way.
Jenna scooted away from Dad and slipped out of the pew. Toby was seated on his other side, so he’d be there if Dad needed help moving around after the service, and if Toby abandoned her father, Dad usually sat and read his Bible while he waited for Jenna to return. Thankfully, they always sat toward the back. She easily made it out of the sanctuary, crossed the lobby and pressed through the front doors all within the span of a minute.
Knees trembling, she sank down onto the front steps and counted backward from ten. Why was she freaking out? What had set it off this time? She wanted to determine the cause so she could take measures against it happening again. That was the only way she’d found she could control the attacks.
Ha. There was no controlling them. That was a myth. But she could attempt to avoid triggers.
Although, sometimes—like now—she couldn’t nail down a reason.
Dampness coated the wind, an ever-present reminder of Lake Michigan’s proximity. A fat bee lazily tested each of the flowers that lined the path along the edge of the building.
Toby had tried to corner her again this morning, asking if she was willing to talk about the past. He’d done that three times since the first night he and Kasey had joined them for dinner. Would it become a daily battle with him? Each time, she’d babbled about being stressed over the condition of the house and orchard in the wake of the opening next weekend, which had redirected the conversation. But apparently Toby wasn’t going to give up easily.
The door behind her clicked, making Jenna sit up and spin around.
Cradling her newborn in her arms, her friend Paige Beck ducked through the doors and smiled at her. “I was rocking him in the new-mothers’ room and saw you walk past,” she whispered as she sat down beside Jenna. “I could use adult conversation.” She bumped her shoulder into Jenna’s.
Paige had moved to Goose Harbor only a few years ago, but the tall blonde with her kind spirit had quickly found her way into the hearts of all the residents. In a whirlwind romance, she’d married lifelong resident Caleb Beck. The two were a perfect couple. With Caleb’s heart of gold and Paige’s ability to make everyone feel loved, they had a huge impact on the students they taught at the high school. Jenna hadn’t seen either one of them stop smiling since the birth of their son.
Jenna wrapped her arm around her friend’s waist so she could lean close for a good look at baby Noah. He had his eyes closed, but he reached his little fist up out of his blanket in a big yawn. Emotions piled up against Jenna’s heart. She’d always wanted a family—children of her own—but with no plans to ever date again or get married it was a dream she’d given up on. After Dad passed, she’d be all alone.
She choked down her personal pain and smiled at her friend. “Oh, Paige, I know I’ve said it before, but he’s perfect. I’m so happy for you and Caleb.”
Paige ran her fingers over Noah’s dark, downy hair. “He’s handsome. Like his daddy.”
“How old is he now?”
“Just over two months.”
“My offer to watch him whenever you want still stands.”
Paige sighed. “Oh, don’t worry. I plan to take you up on that offer and then some. Especially when Kellen and Maggie take off on their honeymoon here soon. Usually either Shelby or Maggie watches him when I need a nap or need to, you know, shower. Exciting things like that.”
Jenna touched Noah’s soft fisted hand. “Well, I’m serious.”
“I know.” Paige tucked the baby so his head rested on her shoulder. She studied Jenna for a moment. “Sometimes I fear you’re too serious for your own good.”
Paige had a way of zeroing in on exactly what someone needed to talk about—no matter if they wanted to have the talk or not. With Paige’s sweet manner, it was impossible to tell her no or to brush off her questions. She was tricky that way.
So Jenna hedged with “What do you mean?”
“You’re so young. You should be enjoying life.”
“I enjoy life.”
Paige’s brow creased. “Do you?”
Jenna sighed and scrubbed her hand down her face. “I don’t know. There’s a lot I’m responsible for. The orchard and my dad. And I’ve never been someone who wanted to go out and party or anything like that. That’s not my idea of a good time.”
And when she had taken chances and tried to live, as Paige put it, she’d ended up burned. It had ruined her life.
“Oh, I don’t think you have to party to have a good time.” Paige rolled her eyes. “Look at me and Caleb. We’re the total opposite of party animals, but we love every minute of our lives. That’s what I’m talking about.”
Jenna pinned her hands between her knees. “I guess I’m a boring person.”
“Hardly.” Paige rocked a little when Noah made a small noise. “What about this man I keep hearing about. It’s Toby, right?”
“How do you know about Toby?” Paige hadn’t been around during high school. She wasn’t a Goose Harbor lifer. Beyond the awards and records bearing his name that were still tucked in the trophy case at the high school, Paige had no reason to know who Toby Holcomb was.
“Well, one, word gets around fast in this town. But two, that man’s called Caleb a couple of times this week. They’re working on a project together.”
Project? She hadn’t heard Toby mention a project. But something else seemed more important. “I didn’t even know Caleb and Toby were friends.”
“Caleb’s older.” Paige nodded. “But I guess they both played on the varsity football team together back in the da
y.”
Noise filtered through the front doors. People were mingling in the lobby. The service had let out, and soon everyone would be tromping past where the women sat.
Jenna glanced over her shoulder, making sure no one was nearby. “Right. Toby made varsity his freshman year.”
“Were you two close?”
Jenna hugged her stomach. “He was my best friend.” For a long time, her only friend.
Paige squeezed her arm. “How wonderful to have him back, then.”
“No. It’s not wonderful at all.” Jenna shook her head. Hugged herself tighter. “We had a falling out. Now it’s just uncomfortable. He tries to act like nothing has changed, and I don’t know what to do with that.”
“He hurt you a lot, didn’t he?”
Jenna shrugged.
“You’re still in love with him.” Paige said it like it was a fact. As if she knew.
Which was impossible. Jenna didn’t even know how she felt about Toby. It changed from minute to minute.
“Still? But I’ve never told anyone how I used to feel about him.”
“Relax.” Paige adjusted Noah so he was cradled in her arms again. “I’m a woman. That’s all I needed in order to see the truth. I can hear what you’re not saying.”
Jenna relaxed her arms and rolled her shoulders. “I have no desire to be friends with him again.”
“After I found out my fiancé cheated on me, I never wanted to trust a man again. I’d been let down by every man I’d dated before him. Then I found out my father had cheated on my mother multiple times during the course of their marriage. I told myself I would never open my heart to that possibility.”
“Then Caleb happened.”
“Wrong. Then God happened.” She tucked the brown blanket more snug around her baby. “I had to trust that God could heal me and that He wouldn’t hurt me before I was willing to be in a relationship with a man. I almost missed out on the love I have with Caleb because I was so stubborn about protecting my heart.”
Sure, but God cared about Paige. He’d protected her from her uncaring fiancé and brought her a man like Caleb. It was very different from Jenna’s experiences. God had taken Jenna’s mother away when she was fifteen. God allowed her father to be stricken with a debilitating and hopeless illness. And God hadn’t protected Jenna when she had needed Him most. Not with Ross...not even when she cried out to Him. The bottom line was God didn’t care about her. Maybe He cared about other people, but not Jenna Crest.
Paige gave a quiet, small laugh. “I tried to protect my heart from God. Which is madness. His hands are the only safe place. Don’t get me wrong. I love my husband. Caleb’s the best man I have ever known. But a little secret here—Caleb’s not perfect.” Paige’s smile was full of joy. “Just because I’m married to a good and honorable man doesn’t mean my heart will never hurt again. No one can be guaranteed that.”
“Then why open yourself up at all?”
“Because of the joy I have with Caleb, and now this little man, too.” She patted Noah. “That’s worth any hurt I’ll ever have to face.”
The front door opened, and a flood of people started to exit. They filed past Paige and Jenna. A couple people whispered hellos or cooed at sleeping Noah.
Jenna lowered her voice, hoping to end the conversation before anyone overheard them. “Fine, but you’re not with the man who hurt you. It’s still different.”
“From everything Caleb’s told me, it sounds like Toby’s a good guy. But it’s not him, is it? Not really?”
“Oh.” Jenna huffed. “It’s completely him.”
“No.” Paige narrowed her eyes. “It’s God you don’t trust.”
She’d thrown a zinger right to the heart. And wow, it hurt.
Jenna rocked her feet to the sides and stared down at the pavement. “I don’t really want to talk about it.”
Caleb passed them on the steps and then turned around so he was eye level with his wife. He reached out to relieve her of Noah. “Morning, Jenna.”
She smiled a greeting, found her feet and brushed off the back of her dress.
Paige grabbed on to Caleb’s free hand, and he helped her stand. She threaded her hand through the loop in his arm and then faced Jenna again. “No one’s making you, but if you ever want to talk, I’m here. I’m on maternity leave, and this guy—” she pointed at Noah “—he doesn’t sleep through the night, so if you want to talk at two in the morning, just call. Will you promise to keep one thing in mind for me though?”
“Sure.”
“Talking about stuff doesn’t mean you’re losing faith—it actually means you’re brave enough to face it,” Paige said.
“Believe her.” Caleb beamed at his wife. “This woman knows all. She calls me on my stuff all the time.”
They all laughed, but watching the way Caleb and Paige interacted made Jenna’s throat feel raw. The couple had everything she ever wanted. Love. A child. Mutual respect. The support of a best friend.
“Paige can’t join us, but I’ll see you later.” Caleb waved and steered his little family toward their car.
See you later? What on earth was Caleb talking about?
* * *
Toby peeked over to where Jenna sat in the passenger seat of his SUV. They’d taken to driving his vehicle whenever the four of them traveled together because Kasey’s booster seat was set up in his backseat. Not that it would take more than two minutes to move it into Jenna’s car, but what they were doing now worked well. Toby and Jenna rode in the front, and her dad and Kasey rode together in the back—they felt like a family.
If only Jenna weren’t acting like an angry stepcousin.
Her dress was some shade of pink or orange. Did women call that coral? When she’d walked down the steps of her house that morning to meet him and Kasey on the porch, Toby’s mouth had gone dry. No one had ever taken his breath away, but now Jenna held that distinction. The dress hugged her torso and then went out from the waist to her knees. She wore small heels, and loose curls ran freely down her back. A pop of a light red color on her lips completed the look. Toby had edged closer to her when he noticed a couple guys checking her out as they had walked into church. It took everything in him not to wrestle her father—figuratively speaking—for the right to sit next to her in the pew.
After church they drove to Happy Tails Dog Sanctuary, located on the edge of the Dunes State Park. One of Jenna’s friends, Shelby, ran the place with her fireman boyfriend, Joel. Mr. Crest had reached out to Shelby to set up a time for him and Kasey to go visit and play with the dogs. After they’d dropped off her dad and Kasey, silence pulsed between Toby and Jenna.
Toby turned down the music. “I’m sorry I was late coming out of church. Kasey introduced me to her teacher, who goes there, too. I wanted to catch her anyway and see how Kasey did during her first week.”
Apparently, Kasey had pulled inward at school. It was understandable, considering all the child had been through in the past five months. She’d lost her mother—the only family she’d known—then met and was immediately handed over to her new guardian and had left her home and all her belongings and friends to move to Goose Harbor. Being reserved now was pretty much a given for her. Her teacher had promised to keep Toby up to date on any changes in her behavior or motivation levels.
Jenna smoothed nonexistent wrinkles from her dress. “Who’s her teacher?”
Toby tapped the steering wheel, thinking. “Miss Vincent.”
“Gotcha. That’s Leah. She’s cute.”
Miss Vincent had been petite. Did she have dark hair? He couldn’t remember anything else beyond that. He’d spent the conversation focused on Kasey, who was hanging from his arm asking about the puppies. “I guess.”
“She’s single,” Jenna offered.
“So are you.” At least,
he was fairly certain she was. Now was her opportunity to set him straight if she wasn’t. She rolled her shoulders and flipped her hair behind her, leaving a wake of lavender in the air that twisted his heart. She still smelled like the same lotion she’d used in high school.
She’d given no answer. That was good. Right? He cleared his throat. “I saw you talking with Paige.”
Jenna rubbed her thumb back and forth along her wrist. “Do you think God cares about you?”
Toby’s heart stalled for a second. Was she trying to pick a fight with him, or was it a real question? Was she hinting at the fact that she thought he wasn’t a good Christian? He wouldn’t blame her if she doubted his sincerity. Jenna of all people knew how good he was at faking his way through life. She was easily the only person in the world who had ever known the real Toby Holcomb, the one who hid behind the image of star athlete and always-happy, outgoing popular guy.
Her question was open and honest. Oh, she wanted him to actually answer that.
Do you think God cares about you? Toby had given Him no reason to.
Holding the wheel with one hand, he used the other to knead a muscle in the back of his neck. “Where’s this coming from?”
“I just...” She yanked a bracelet off her wrist and worked it around in her hand. “Does He care about each one of us, as individuals? Or is it more that He cares about humanity? Or maybe some people more than others?”
Toby turned down the country road that took them inland, farther from Lake Michigan. The lanes narrowed and trees cropped up on either side of the road. At night it became dangerous with deer crossing, among other things. The road started at almost a blind curve, with forest on either side. As a teen, he’d spun out a few times there in the winter. He’d always hated that part of the road.
He tried to work through Jenna’s questions, turning them over in his head to figure out what she was really asking. Jenna had a tendency of rambling when she was unsure or feeling insecure. The fact that she’d done that with him didn’t go unnoticed. She was warming to him on some level, even if she wouldn’t talk about the past. Seeking his opinion on something spiritual meant she had at least an ounce of trust in him. He’d take what he could get.
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