Besides, even if he were a changed man, she had changed, too. She wasn’t his sweet, innocent, smiling friend anymore. No, she was damaged goods, ruined and closed off.
And she wanted to stay that way.
“I want things to be okay between us again,” he whispered with a gentleness that tore at her heart.
Stay strong.
She’d allowed a man’s kind words to fool her before. That’s how Ross had gained her trust. Biggest mistake of her life. One she’d never make again.
“That’s the problem, Toby. Don’t you see? Some things will never be okay.” She yanked her gaze from his, shoved out of his hold and rushed into the house. She didn’t stop until she was upstairs in her room with the door closed. Jenna sank onto her bed, her entire body shaking. She dropped her head into her hands and focused on her breathing.
I care, Jenna. I care.
So much for discovering Toby’s motives. Instead all she’d learned was that he was just as dangerous as before. And she was still a fool.
* * *
“That all looks just right. Thank you, son.” Mr. Crest surveyed his new bedroom, his brow bunched in a mixture of acceptance and resignation. He folded his hands loosely in his lap.
Toby dragged the back of his arm over his forehead, clearing the sweat away.
After spending the morning working outside, Toby had moved indoors to clean out the office and move Mr. Crest’s furniture downstairs. The man’s motorized wheelchair had arrived earlier, and he was trying to be a good sport about it. When Toby’s brother had finally been forced to rely on a chair, that had signaled the beginning of the end.
Toby’s throat burned, making him swallow a couple times.
But Mr. Crest’s situation was different. Very different. This wasn’t Ben all over again, and it wasn’t what had happened to Jenna’s mom, either.
If Toby repeated those things thirty more times, would they sink in?
Mr. Crest motioned for Toby to follow him down the hallway, into the kitchen. “Jenna ran an idea past me this morning that I think merits your consideration.”
“Oh?” Toby crossed to the sink and filled a glass with water. He chugged it, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and filled it up again.
Jenna had avoided him all day. In fact, they hadn’t spoken since their exchange on the back porch. Something had sparked between them as he held her hands and they shared a breath—something he had a hard time ignoring. Last night Toby had wanted to kiss Jenna. Badly.
Good thing she ran off.
A kiss would ruin everything. It was the reason he’d never made a move on her when they were teenagers, even though he’d had plenty of opportunities back then. Everything Toby touched broke. Every. Single. Thing. All except for his friendship with Jenna. That had been the only completely real and good thing in his life. With Jenna he’d laid himself bare—had been the real Toby—the one no one else seemed to want. She had never approached him with any expectations. She had simply accepted him as is and had chosen to be his friend.
Although, with how she was acting now, it looked like he had failed her after all.
Was he doomed to forever mess things up? His football dreams had ended with the knee injury. His romantic relationships never lasted longer than a month. The sporting-goods business he’d started in Florida had failed in its first year because his brick-and-mortar store couldn’t compete with online prices. He’d had to look each of his employees in the eye and tell them their jobs were gone. The single mother who had managed the store for him had sobbed in his office; she hadn’t known if she’d be able to feed her kids that month if the store closed.
He’d failed them all.
And his parents’ faces when they’d bonded him out of jail for the drunk-driving arrests? Disappointed didn’t even come close to describing them. It was something much heavier. More painful.
If Ben were alive, he wouldn’t have shamed us like this. He would have lived up to something. Done something worthwhile with his life. He wouldn’t be a failure.
Now he could add knowing that he’d let down the people he cared about in Goose Harbor, too. Jenna wouldn’t even look him in the eye most of the time.
No one was safe from his mistakes.
Toby set down his cup and jammed his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “So what was this idea?”
“There are three bedrooms upstairs. One, of course, we’ll turn into the office—now that I’m down here. But that leaves an extra.”
“The guest bedroom.” Toby nodded.
Jenna’s dad frowned, and a far-off look softened his weathered features. “Funny to hear it called that. Feels wrong. Our family always referred to that one as Toby’s room.” He shook his head slowly. “You were missed, for all these years. You were never forgotten here. I’m glad you’re back with us.”
“It’s good to be back. I wish—” Toby swallowed hard. “I didn’t realize how much I lost by staying away.”
“You’re talking about my daughter, aren’t you?”
Toby scrubbed his hand down his face and let out a long breath. It wasn’t worth hiding anything from Mr. Crest. The man possessed a gift for reading the truth on a person. “If only I could figure out how to fix things where she’s concerned.”
Mr. Crest clucked his tongue. “Me, too. I just don’t know. These last few years—perhaps it’s simply what happens when your child goes to college. She’s my only one, so I have nothing to compare it to.” He rubbed the knuckles on his left hand as if they ached. “But that place changed my girl. It stole something from her. I’m not certain if I’m making any sense.”
Actually, he was making complete sense. And honestly, Toby wanted to cling to the idea Mr. Crest presented. Maybe Toby wasn’t the reason behind her sadness and being closed off. Still, no matter the reason, Toby was determined to break through the wall she had up in order to win back his old best friend. He would release her from whatever cage she was locked in. To do that, though, he needed information—as much as he could get.
Toby hooked his hand on his shoulder, letting a muscle in his back burn with the stretch. “Did you notice a change in her right away, or was it more of a gradual thing?”
Mr. Crest narrowed his eyes and pursed his lips, deep in thought. “It was during her sophomore year. I’m not sure if you were aware, but she dropped out in the middle of that semester.”
Alarms sounded in his head. The Jenna he knew loved learning. When they were teens, she used to excitedly tell him everything she’d discovered each day when they met on her back porch. Her eyes would light up and widen as her words tumbled out in such a rush that her sentences would end up jumbled together. Toby used to live for those nights, listening to her passionately share something new with him. Something that mattered to her. Something real.
Jenna choosing not to learn made his gut bunch. He’d known that she had taken six years to finish college but had assumed that the length was because she had loved taking classes and kept going. Not that she’d dropped out for a time. What had gone wrong?
“I didn’t know that.” Toby’s voice sounded strained, even to his own ears. “Were her grades bad?”
“Nope.” Mr. Crest looked tired. “Her grades were good up until that midpoint. Then one day she called out of the blue and told me she was on her way home and never wanted to go back. I tried to get her to talk.” He shrugged. “She was hysterical. It scared me to hear her like that. To see her like that later. I couldn’t even get her to go back to get the stuff out of her dorm room. I went on my own the next weekend and packed it up.”
Sickness rocked through Toby. Something had happened to Jenna. Something terrible.
And he hadn’t been there for her.
He took a shaky breath. “And she never said why?”
“I never pushed. She
cried all the time back then... She’s all I have. I worried that if I demanded an answer, I’d lose her. So instead I prayed a lot.” He gripped the handrails on his wheelchair and shifted his position. “The next year she announced she was moving to Grand Rapids and wanted to start taking college courses online. But I don’t believe she ever liked it there. From what I gather, she rarely left her apartment. The coffee shop she worked at was in the same building, and she never had to leave her place for the freelance writing she did.”
“Has she dated anyone recently?” Toby’s hand slipped on the counter. He had to move fast to catch himself from falling.
“No boyfriends.” Her dad shook his head. “But I believe her heart’s been taken for a very long time.”
A very long time. Each word caused Toby’s heart to crash into his ribs. He felt unsteady. He shoved his palm into his sternum and rubbed. She hadn’t spent time with any guys besides him in high school. Was it someone from college? Had a guy broken her heart so badly that she’d run away?
He had to know. “By who?”
“That’s not for me to tell. I probably said too much already.” Jenna’s dad leaned to adjust the part of his chair that cradled his calf muscles. “Anyway, we have a spare room, and the bunkhouse only has one bedroom. It might be nice to fix up your old room for Kasey. Give her a space that’s all hers instead of having to share that tiny place with you.” He held up a hand when Toby opened his mouth. “But you are her guardian. We don’t want to step on your toes. Jenna and I both love Kasey, but we know our place. This is an option if you want it. That’s all.”
Toby sucked in a sharp breath. They loved Kasey, too? He wasn’t alone in this. At least, not as alone as he felt. The four of them had found a way to form a tentative family unit, but the arrangement was still fragile. Any mistake on his part, any wrong move, risked costing Kasey everything. After all the child had been through, causing her any distress would be too high of a price. He had to work things out with Jenna. That was the only way he and Kasey could stay at the orchard without getting hurt.
Toby pressed away from the counter and swung his hands, clapping them in front of him. “Let’s ask Kasey. I think she’ll love the idea, as long as you and Jenna are sure that’s all right. I don’t want to impose any more than I already have. Kasey’s my responsibility.”
“Are you kidding? We’d love nothing more than for her to move in.”
“I’ll ask her, then. Today.”
If Kasey did decide to move into the Crests’ home, then that sealed it for how Toby would treat Jenna going forward. Kasey’s happiness depended on him. If he acted on feelings of attraction or a tug of old camaraderie, he could ruin everything for Kasey. He wouldn’t let her lose another home.
Chapter Seven
Jenna looped her arm over Kasey’s tiny shoulders and steered her through the doorway into what would be her bedroom going forward. While Toby stayed back to tape and prep the walls, Jenna and Kasey had spent the morning shopping.
Toby had his back toward them when they entered the room. He wore faded jeans that fit like they had been made for him, a worn gray T-shirt and a blue-and-yellow baseball hat. He was barefoot, and for some reason that tugged at her, making Jenna soften toward him a little. The floorboard creaked under Jenna’s foot, and Toby turned around at the noise. He shot her a boyish, excited grin. It was big enough to make the skin around his eyes crinkle.
Jenna froze, deeply aware of the fact that he was making her heart go berserk.
Why did he have to be so handsome? It wasn’t fair.
Toby tapped the back wall of the old guest room. “Darker purple on this wall and lighter on the rest?”
Kasey groaned and turned toward Jenna. “He’s hopeless, isn’t he? Are all boys like that?”
Toby cocked his head. “Wait, what?”
Jenna hugged Kasey a little tighter for a minute. In the last few days, Kasey and Jenna had started bonding more. Everywhere they went, Kasey’s soulful eyes followed Jenna. She was being watched, closely. What did the seven-year-old see? Jenna wanted to be someone Kasey could look up to, but Jenna needed to work on herself some before she could be a role model, starting with how she treated Toby. Teaching Kasey to hang on to bitterness and hurt wasn’t healthy. Kasey shouldn’t see her acting closed off, as if Jenna were some triple-locked door. Clinging to all that heartache wouldn’t help her anymore—truthfully, it never had.
So why was Jenna still holding on to all of it?
She needed to let go of the past pain once and for all. For Kasey’s sake, if not her own.
Being kind and having a functional relationship with Toby didn’t mean that things had to go back to the way they were when they were kids. That would be impossible. Never would be far too soon to trust any man besides Dad. However, she could act cordially toward Toby without allowing him into her heart. From now on, she would treat Toby like she did other guys in town. It didn’t need to be as difficult as she was making it.
Starting now.
She leaned close to Kasey’s ear and stage-whispered, “Be patient with him. Colors are hard.”
Toby’s mouth dropped open in mock offense. “Ouch, ladies.” He laid his hand over his heart and stumbled forward. “You wound me.”
Kasey burst into a fit of giggles and launched toward him, grasping his hand. She tugged on him playfully. “You’re so silly. You don’t know what the colors are? Good thing Jenna’s here.”
Toby’s gaze captured Jenna’s, and he winked before dropping down to Kasey’s level. “Uh, I thought it was purple.” He tapped the larger can of paint. “And...another lighterish purple.” He pulled a comical face, playing up his confusion for Kasey, and looked up to Jenna for help. “I guess that’s not right?”
Kasey hugged his neck, pressing her cheek against the side of his forehead. “Like I said. Hopeless.”
But lovable. Jenna bit back the words that instantly begged to be added to Kasey’s statement.
Watching them interact made warmth flood Jenna’s chest. Toby was awesome with Kasey. If he ever decided to get married and add to his family, he would make an excellent father. When they were younger, Toby had often said he wasn’t sure if he wanted children. He’d lived through losing Ben. Had seen firsthand how that tore at his parents. They’d stayed married and had loved Toby as best they could, but when Ben died, a part of them dimmed. They became emotionally and often physically detached from Toby, as if afraid that if they accidently loved him too much, he might get ripped away from them, too. Jenna knew her parents had tried to fill the gaps in her friend’s life as best they could, but she was sure his parents’ aloof attitude still affected him.
Toby grabbed at Kasey’s middle, attacking her with tickles until she squealed with laughter. He planted a huge kiss on her cheek and secured the child snug in his arms, even though she tried to worm her way out, a smile taking over her small face. She was no match for that man’s impressive muscles.
“Miss Crest, care to enlighten me? What colors are we dealing with? Since this is clearly of utmost importance.” His lips twitched.
Kasey stopped wiggling to look back and forth between them.
Jenna felt herself grinning back. “Well, sir, if you must know.” She dropped to her knees nearby. “This is the color we’ll use for the accent wall. It isn’t simply purple.”
“Oh, of course not.” Toby braced his hands on the floor behind him and gave his head a solemn shake. It had been a long time since Jenna had joked with someone in such a carefree way. “Simply purple wouldn’t do.”
Jenna schooled her face as if this were the most serious topic ever. “This is February Berry.”
“How did I not know that?” Toby rolled his eyes. He grabbed Kasey’s little shoulders and gave a gentle shake. “I feel like such a fool.”
Kasey pushed hair out of her e
yes and looked over at Jenna. “See? What are we going to do with him? He’s such a goof.”
“I know,” Jenna stage-whispered. “He’s always been that way. And I fear there’s no cure for him.”
“Goof or not, my ears still work.” Toby waggled his eyebrows.
Jenna’s stomach fluttered. Were they flirting? They couldn’t be... She was simply trying to be friendly again. That’s all. Then again, she never teased Evan or Caleb this way, or her friend Jason, who ran the newspaper in town that she sometimes wrote freelance articles for.
She dropped her gaze away from Toby’s and tapped the second paint can. “The lighter one here, we’ll use it on the remaining three walls. It’s a really pretty color called A Winter’s Kiss.”
“A kiss, huh?” Toby got to his feet and ruffled Kasey’s hair before she scampered away. He leaned closer and squinted at the paint in question. “I didn’t know a kiss could be a color. Did you?” he asked Jenna.
It felt like the air had been suctioned out of the room. “No. I, ah...” Her voice was so small. “I don’t know anything about kisses like that.”
Over Kasey’s head, he caught Jenna’s gaze again and kept it. Something she couldn’t quite identify pulsed between. Sympathy? Understanding?
Toby’s smile was soft, with a hint of sadness. “All right, we’ve got some painting to get done, then. Let’s get to it.” He pointed at Kasey. “You probably don’t want to work in those clothes. They’re way too nice.”
The little girl had insisted on getting decked out in a dress and flowered headband for her girls’ time with Jenna.
Kasey stuck out her bottom lip in an exaggerated way. “I don’t have anything to wear.”
Jenna grabbed a screwdriver and pried the lid off A Winter’s Kiss. “I have shirts you can toss on over what you’re wearing.” She pointed the screwdriver in the direction of her bedroom. “Go into my room and open the second drawer of my dresser that’s closest to the door. Grab whatever you want and toss it on. They’re all old work shirts.”
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