Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

  Eli didn’t fight him, she stood perfectly still with her eyes on me.

  “Fuck you, Vito. Get what you came for and leave, take your little bitch with you, too.” I said, nodding my head in the direction of Eli’s mom, trying her best to hide behind them.

  “Oh she ain’t mine, fuck nah, she ain’t mine. But when opportunity presents itself in times such as these, well you gotta take them. Ain’t that right, Deacon, we all learn what hand to kiss in order to get what we want.”

  “Enough!” Shaw yelled. “How we doin’ this?”

  “Well that depends on what Miss Elizabeth here wants. Which of these fine men do you want to rescue you? Here we have the one that ponied up the cash, and here we have the one that picked you as flavor of the month. Hmm, which one’s it gonna be? Which let’s be honest, neither are really a prize.”

  “It doesn’t matter.” I heard her cry. “Just let me go.” She pushed against his arm holding her tight.

  “Pick one, or we’ll be here all night.” He shifted her body next to his side so he could see her face. “Any time beautiful…unless you’d rather stay with me.”

  Her eyes moved between Shaw and me, finally settling on me.

  “Well we have a winner! The rocker with the shady past, it is. Shaw, toss the bag half way between us. Deacon, you meet me there and we’ll exchange.”

  “No.” Shaw said quickly.

  “It’s my way, or no way at all.” Vito declared. “Don’t be bitter because she didn’t pick you, this way you’ll still have a chance to try and win her back later…although the odds are stacked in his favor.” He shrugged, tilting his head to me.

  “No, you send her to the middle and I’ll toss the cash to her. Once she’s safely with Deacon, we’ll leave and you can get your cash.”

  “No go. You toss the cash to her, and she can toss it to me. Then you’re done with me forever, scouts honor.”

  “Fine,” I said, interrupting their stare down. “Eli, walk to the bench in the middle, and Shaw’ll throw the cash to you. You send it Vito’s way and run to me. Okay?”

  She nodded as Vito released her. Her steps were even and fast. When she reached the bench her eyes locked with Shaw. He nodded at her and the fear etched on her face was clear. Shaw saw it, too, because he smiled at her, and I knew he was trying to give her strength.

  The bag landed right in front of her. She picked it up, struggling with the weight of the cash, and finally tossed it a few feet in front of Vito. Her body shifted and she ran directly for me. In the split second it took for her to take two steps, I saw it: Shaw cracked his neck from side to side—his tell that he was about to strike at the problem he saw in front of him. He raised his gun and Vito’s men did the same, one pointing toward Shaw, the other toward us.

  Focusing on the guard holding the gun on us, his face told me he intended to fire; the shining glint in his eyes was a dead giveaway. I’d seen it before, in Tony, when he knew the opportunity to end everything had presented itself. It was never more apparent than the night he’d killed a man that was aiming for me. Every day since then, I’d fought, without understanding, how he could so easily kill a man, even one that was set on killing me. But now I finally got it; I felt the urgency and hate, deep inside me, for this man I didn’t know, as I gladly pointed my gun toward the guard and squeezed the trigger. Eli impacted with my body just as I saw his shoulder jerk back with the force of the bullet then fall to the ground.

  I didn’t wait to see what happened next, I threw Eli to the ground and covered her with my body. Her screams filled my ears as I heard more shots ring out behind us. I waited for a sign it was over; waited for Shaw to tell us everyone was safe. Finally, when several seconds passed with no more blasts of bullets, I turned to see Vito and his guards were gone, all that remained was a small pool of bright red blood.

  A heart wrenching scream came from beside me—Eli. I turned to see her running to Shaw, whose body was laying half in the fountain, red spreading through the crystal clear water. Once she reached him, she froze staring down at him, her face split in terror. I pulled him out of the water, placing him on the ground at our feet.

  “Shaw!” She screamed. “Wake up, wake up!” She shook him roughly, her fingers digging into his shoulders.

  His eyes were closed, and he would have looked peaceful if his stark white shirt wasn’t stained red. I laid my finger on the side of his neck, praying I felt a pounding against them, but there was nothing. No thudding of his heart, no inhalation of breath—nothing.

  Eli’s eyes begged me, pleaded with me, to end her sudden suffering, and tell her what she craved. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, her face contorted with pain. But I couldn’t give her the answer she needed. I shook my head and her eyes clenched tightly closed.

  “No!” She bellowed.

  ***

  Eli Blue

  A scream ripped from my throat and filled my head so loudly, it blocked out the rest of the world. I pounded on his chest, “Don’t you fucking leave me. I can’t be here alone!”

  He was perfectly still, eerily serene. His shirt was soaked with bright red blood that was continuing to spread and seep into every bright white thread of his shirt. Time slowed as I stared at his shirt, the vision of his blood engulfing each individual fiber as it laced through every inch of his shirt was all I could see. I shook my head, trying to clear it, when my body collapsed onto his, no longer able to hold the weight of the sensations flowing through me. Feelings of panic were slowly numbing me until I no longer felt anything.

  Everything seemed so quiet, silent as the grave, rang through my head, and I shook my head again, trying to shake everything loose. No, he couldn’t die; he couldn’t leave me like this. He’d been all I ever had, he couldn’t leave me, too.

  “Breathe princess, breathe” I heard Deacon calling from behind me as he lifted my body from Shaw’s, pushing me to the side.

  Deacon’s hand crashed down on Shaw’s chest, causing his entire body to jolt with the impact. Pushing onto his legs, Deacon put his entire weight over the wound, trying to stop the bleeding. Sirens welled in the distance and I knew help was coming; all I had to do was keep him with me until they arrived. Adrenaline shot through my body and sprang me to life.

  “Please don’t leave me.” I pleaded with him, touching his face. “Shaw, open your eyes. I need you, I’ve always needed you; you’re my rock. God, please stay.”

  Deacon was still pushing on Shaw’s chest, but his eyes were glued to me. Looking up at him I saw pity on his face mixed with guilt, and that guilt told me everything I needed to know. He’d pulled his gun, he’d fired at Vito. This was his fault more than anyone else’s, he was dangerous. We were dangerous together, and it was Shaw paying the ultimate price.

  “You did this, you fired at them. This is your fault, all your fault.”

  “Eli, I’m sorry, I-”

  “Stop, just stop! How can I ever forgive you? You’ve taken all I had left!” I screamed, feeling a sense of hatred for this man that just a few minutes ago, I’d loved.

  His stare was on me, I could feel his eyes burning into my flesh, but I didn’t care.

  The ambulance and police arrived, and two paramedics pushed us aside to help Shaw. They cut his shirt open, and one tried to stop the bleeding while the other listened for a heartbeat.

  “We need to move, now!” One of them shouted.

  They lifted him onto a stretcher and began to push him toward the ambulance.

  “Wait!” I called after them.

  Only one was left outside the ambulance, as the other paramedic pulled the stretcher into the back. Their eyes moved over me, taking in the blood on my body and the expression on my face.

  “Get in!” He yelled. “But stay outta the way.”

  I jumped into the back of the ambulance next to Shaw and pushed myself into the background as I felt us start to move away. Looking out the small window I saw Deacon, staring after me, his eyes begging for it to be okay. Cops swarmed a
round him forcing him to kneel to the ground.

  “I’m losing him!” the paramedic yelled. “Call it in, we have a code blue!”

  Everything went silent. I could see the paramedic’s lips moving, and saw him fighting to save Shaw, but my head was filled with nothing but a roaring silence.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Eli Blue

  The sun was shining and the birds were singing, the sound grated into my eardrums, like out of tune guitar strings blaring over a blown amp. The grass was lush and bright green, I ached to take off my fancy black heels and feel it wiggle between my toes, but at the same time, the thought made my stomach turn. My shoes matched perfectly with the black pencil skirt and black silk blouse Willow had dressed me in, she even did my eye makeup in a black smoky look. Everything on me today was black, from the top of my well-coifed hair, to the bottom of my overpriced heels. I’d already decided to burn the entire outfit when I got home.

  People were gathering around, forming a huge semi-circle with their eyes trained toward the back of my head and beyond. My eyes looked everywhere except the focus of that semi-circle, which was a dark brown coffin gleaming in the sun. Shaw. All the air rushed from my lungs. Shaw. I’d tried to think about anything else except why I was here, why I was in this cemetery, surrounded by so many peering eyes. The same cemetery where my dad was, a place I hadn’t been since the day his body had been placed in a similar brown box and lowered below the ground.

  I inhaled deeply, but the air felt empty and didn’t fill my needy lungs. Again and again, I tried to force my lungs to expand. My head began to swim and my ears rang. Again and again, the air rushed into me, but didn’t satisfy; it came too fast, filling me with a rawness that burned my nose and throat. I could feel my legs growing weak and buckling under me. Shaw was in there, in that box, and I’d never see him again.

  All I could see was his face, his eyes bright with life, begging me to give him another chance, pleading for me to forgive him. I never did, I never told him how much I loved him. Even if it wasn’t the same love I’d once had, it was still the greatest love I’d ever known. Instead I’d chosen someone else, picked Deacon to rescue me, right in front of Shaw. He’d been everything to me, the only person I ever had after my dad. Why did I let this happen? It was my fault he was dead, he was only involved because of me—trying to save me. I’d never be able to forgive myself for being the cause of his death.

  My knees hit the soft grass and my body fell forward, my hands impacting with the ground to hold me up. In and out, my breath was rushing too fast, the tears were falling too rapidly. I couldn’t do this; I couldn’t exist in a world where he wasn’t. My life couldn’t continue when his didn’t.

  Pure, unadulterated emptiness spread through my chest and planted deep inside me; a hole I’d never be able to fill again, that I didn’t deserve to unfeel. The grief was mine, and I knew I’d carry it with me forever, I craved its presence—the only connection to Shaw that still remained.

  A hand began to rub small circles on my back, and a loud “shh” resonated in my ears. I knew who it was, but I didn’t know if I could handle the guilt his presence brought.

  “It’s all my fault.” I forced out between sobs.

  “No, sweetheart, it’s not. You’re safe, that’s what he wanted. That boy would have done anything for you, just like you would have done for him. The worlds could be switched, and he could be the one here, right now, mourning you.” Dave said confidently. “But that’s not how it happened. Shaw always had one mission in his life, and that was to protect you and be there for you; he accomplished that. Don’t take that away from him, he did his very best for you, and wouldn’t want you to place that on yourself. Don’t disregard the love my son had for you, or what he did for you. That’s not fair to him.”

  “I can’t Dave, how can I go on without him? He tried to save me, and now he’s dead. Because of me!” I cried.

  “Aw, sweetie you will. We both will; that’s what he’d want. Don’t take what belongs to him and place it upon yourself, just be happy for what you had, and never forget it.”

  He pulled me against his chest and hugged me tight as my tears slowed. We sat there, rocking back and forth, while they lowered Shaw into the ground and covered his coffin with dirt, my cries echoing through the tall trees the entire time.

  After everyone had left, Dave made me stand and began slowly walking to his car. I halted and he turned to me, “C’mon sweetheart, we need to get you home.”

  “Can we…I mean, I haven’t…” I pointed toward a grouping of tall cedar trees.

  He smiled and led me to my dad’s grave. It was black granite with “Beloved father, friend, and musician” etched into it with a small princess slipper in the right corner. When they asked me what I wanted on the tombstone after he died, I was too young to know what to do. Dave helped me, but I insisted that a small piece of our favorite fairytale be placed on it as well.

  “I try to come here at least once a month.” Dave sighed. “He’d probably kick my ass for all the shit I tell him now, he never was much for heart to hearts with me.”

  “I never come.” I whispered. “I miss him so much, but I never come.”

  “Aw, sweetie you should.” Dave hugged me closer.

  “If I don’t come, I keep thinking it’s not real, and my fairytale can keep playing if I don’t actually come here.”

  “You need to start. It will make things better, I don’t know how to explain it, but it will. I promise. We’ll come together, we’ll visit them both, together.”

  I kissed my fingers and placed them over the princess slipper, fixed perfectly above his name then we turned to leave.

  Off in the distance, I saw Deacon sitting under a tree, his eyes glued to me. Every fiber of my being wanted to run to him, to open my arms and hope he’d accept me. I didn’t blame him for what happened to Shaw—I never really had. I’d just been scared and trapped in my moment of anguish—I blamed myself. But I still wasn’t ready to see him; I didn’t know when I would be. I didn’t deserve for him to swoop in and make me feel better; I deserved to be in pain and to feel the heavy burden I’d caused.

  One day I’d find Deacon again, and thank him for what he’d given me, for the small amount of love he’d given me—but it wouldn’t be today.

  ***

  The days and weeks after the funeral were a challenge, I never knew what lonely was until I’d brought it upon myself. Time passed slower, and I felt every single tick of the clock as it disappeared. I’d never truly enjoyed the things I had, never appreciated them, until they were gone. It was hard not to find the twisted humor in all I had taken for granted, the time I’d lost when now, that’s all I had—empty time.

  I knew the days were passing, I could see the shadows in the room changing, shifting with the rising and setting of the sun. I surrounded myself with all the things I had that reminded me of Shaw, I thought if I had memories of him where I could put my hands on them, feel them against my flesh, he wasn’t really gone; that’s what I told myself, anyway.

  Overwhelming despair wasn’t new to me. I’d felt an even harsher version once before, when I was even more weak and alone. I didn’t know if I was strong enough now, either. Ending it all seemed like an easier solution than feeling every emotion as it ripped through my soul, but after last time, I’d promised Shaw I would never hurt myself again. He’d been there to bandage my wrist and my soul, I couldn’t break that promise now, especially not when it was him my heart was breaking over this time. Sometimes you have to keep living, more for those that love you than you do for yourself.

  I no longer saw things for how they truly were; instead, I saw them through the lens of the emotional train wreck I had become. Everything was darker and heavier; the weight pushed me further, choking tighter and tighter until I wanted to escape it all. Even the smiles from my friends seemed odd and distorted—too big, too fake.

  Willow came to visit me every day, she’d curl up on the bed and wrap
herself around me; it felt good to feel the warmth of another body against mine, made me feel more connected to this existence and everything surrounding it.

  “I miss you.” She’d whisper in my ear.

  I’d nod to let her know I understood, but I didn’t tell her I missed her because I didn’t even know who that other person was any longer. The girl that should miss Willow, who had once depended so adamantly on her friendship, was no longer. I felt too assaulted by my grief to remember her. A part of myself was gone, buried with Shaw, and I knew I’d never get her back.

  Willow told me my mom had been arrested, and later confessed to being involved in my kidnapping, but since all she’d done was deliver the ransom demands, they were going easy on her. I’d told the police over and over everything I knew, which wasn’t much since I’d blocked out everything I could. But I knew I’d never have to worry about seeing my mother again, and that was perfectly fine with me.

  Savage Man was still up and running with the help of Dave and others that worked there. Unforgiven and The Elle’s still played the shows I’d arranged and had enough lined up to last them a while. I knew I had to get back though, remove myself from this darkness and live again. But not yet, I didn’t have the strength, yet.

  Duke came to see me one extra bright day, when the sun beamed so brightly through the window it was blinding even with the curtains closed.

  “Deacon wants me to see for myself that you’re okay.” He told me softly.

  I didn’t say anything.

  “Willow warned me, but after seeing you myself I don’t know that I can. I can’t tell Deacon you’re okay because I’m not sure you are.”

  “Tell Deacon whatever you want, he doesn’t need to be burdened with my problems anymore. He needs to move on.”

  Duke nodded then said something I’d never forget, “Eli, he’ll never move on. As long as you’re hurting, he’s hurting. As long as you’re stuck in this hell, so is he. Just remember that, okay? Deac loves you, I know that’s hard to remember, but he does.”