Silk

by Heidi McLaughlin

  As soon we were in his apartment, it was as if a switch was flipped. The door had no more than shut behind us, and he had me pinned up against it. It was the same door that I had fled through just a few weeks ago, but this time I was planning on staying.

  Adam leaned into me with one hand beside my head. His other hand bound my hands together behind me as if I was handcuffed. “Bounty hunting is dangerous business,” he said huskily. “Let’s say that the bad guy turned on you. Could he seduce you into submission?”

  His warm breath was on my neck, his lips hovering below my ear. He smelled like cologne and beer, and it was strangely intoxicating.

  “Who’s the bad guy in this scenario,” I whispered.

  “Sometimes it’s hard to tell, but I think I am.” His lips skimmed from my ear across my cheek and lightly danced over my mouth.

  He ran his tongue across my upper lip, asking for an invitation in. He released my hands, and instantly they were in his hair. I grasped and tugged on the hair above his neck as his lips locked with mine.

  His hand, that was now free to roam, ran down my backside and over to my thigh. He grasped the hem of my dress and pulled it up to the top of my hips, revealing my lack of underwear. He growled in response.

  He actually growled. “No panties? You just keep surprising me.”

  Then he ran his hand back down the back of my thigh. After he pulled my leg up by his hip, I wrapped it around his backside. He grasped my bare bottom with both hands and pulled me into him. I wrapped my other leg around his waist, and he picked me up. He carried me to his bedroom, his lips never leaving mine. When his knees hit the side of the bed, he sat me down on the edge of it. I watched as he removed his shirt to reveal what I had suspected all along.

  Oh, my. He was perfect. Absolutely perfect.

  He chuckled, and I realized that I had said that aloud. I might have been embarrassed if I could stop gawking at him long enough to think about it. But my eyes and thoughts were riveted on the man in front of me. Each muscle in his chest and abdomen was marvelously defined, but there was nothing bulky about him. He was perfectly lean.

  I had been right to assume that there were more tattoos under that shirt of his. But my current view only revealed one. Small script on the left side of his chest ... over where his heart would be ... proclaimed:

  Forever Joy

  I wanted to run my fingers across it. I wanted to trace each beautiful letter.

  In one fluid motion, he lifted my dress over my head, not bothering to pull my arms out of the sleeves. I was thankful for the drinks that I’d had because they’d numbed my normal fear of being so exposed and naked. I thought briefly of the jagged scar that ran across my belly, but luckily he hadn’t seemed to notice it. Instead, his eyes were hungrily focused on my now bare breasts. His head dipped, and he ran his tongue across each one. Then he pulled back, and I felt a shift in Adam … in the atmosphere between us.

  With one hand he pushed me squarely in the chest so that I fell back flat on the bed. With the other hand, he deftly lifted my still restrained arms over my head and pinned my hands against the mattress. Positioning one of his knees between my legs, he crawled over me and used his leg to force my legs apart.

  “I’ve wanted to do this since the first moment I laid eyes on you,” he said in a hard voice.

  Despite his admission, it turned out that he was in no hurry. With just the touch of his one free hand, he teased and played with me, repeatedly pulling me to the brink and then backing off. I thought of all the places I wanted to put my hands and tried to unsuccessfully to wiggle them free. It was as if he didn’t want me to touch him. Eventually, I decided that I could do without my hands, and I gave in to his game.

  Finally, he pushed roughly inside of me and then began to move in a slow, methodical, and teasing manner. I searched his face, but his eyes, which were dark and ominous, were directed over my head. There was nothing wrong with what he was doing. And, at the same time, there was nothing right about it either. I didn’t require “lovemaking.” I didn’t even know what it was. But this wasn’t the act of two people who wanted to get to know each other. Adam was so completely devoid of any emotion that it shook me to the core. I’d wanted this, but now I almost felt like I was being punished for something.

  My mind was a million miles away as he released with a reverberating groan and collapsed on top of me. We laid like that for only a fraction of a second. In fact, as soon as humanly possible and still not nearly fast enough for me, he rolled over on the bed beside me. We both stared up at the ceiling, not touching at all.

  As I began to get angry with him and myself, my emotions finally took over. To my absolute horror, my eyes began to well up with tears. I hadn’t allowed myself to cry in years, and it was such a foreign feeling that I was unable to contain the tears that silently began to stream down my cheeks and onto his sheets.

  Finally daring to take a peek, I glanced over at him. His eyes were squeezed shut, and his face was twisted in a frown. I was completely taken aback, and the tears began to flow more freely. I wanted to look away, but his expression captivated me. As I studied him, I realized that it wasn’t repulsion or disgust that had him all in a bind. It was something else entirely ... something that I didn’t understand. His face was twisted in anguish as if I’d hurt him in some way ... as if he’d come unhinged. I had no idea what I had done wrong.

  It was more than I could handle. I didn’t know much about dating, but I knew that it shouldn’t be this hard. I made a move to get up. I wasn’t sure if I was going to the bathroom or to the front door, but I suddenly needed to be somewhere else.

  In response to the movement, he opened his eyes, and his features began to gradually relax. Before I could make my escape, he grabbed my hand. I shuddered at the memory of my hands being pinned over my head, and he let go.

  “Oh, my God. Did I hurt you?” he asked as he brushed the wetness from my cheek with his thumb.

  “No. Did I hurt you?”

  He laughed sharply. “Not tonight. Why?”

  His answer baffled me. “There was just something ... I don’t know ... I can’t explain. Was it like that before?”

  “Before?” he asked.

  “Yes, the first night . . . after The Library.”

  “What ... oh, you think we?” he said. A ghost of a smile played across his lips.

  “We didn’t?” I asked stupidly.

  “You don’t remember? You don’t remember anything about that night?”

  I shook my head, more than a little ashamed of myself.

  “Nothing happened, Allie. Oh, I wanted something to happen, but you weren’t in any shape for it. We barely made it home before you got sick.”

  “I got sick?” I asked. I was horrified. I hadn’t drunk myself into a toilet since undergrad.

  “Yeah. I took care of you.”

  I flopped back on the bed as the memories came flooding back. He had taken care of me. I remembered now. I’d barely made it to the bathroom before my Caesar salad from lunch had made a vodka-soaked appearance in his toilet. He’d sat with me. He’d held my hair as I had heaved into the toilet in his meticulously clean white bathroom. And, later, he’d taken my dirty clothes and tucked me into his bed.

  “Oh, my God,” I said groaning. “You put me to bed. You washed my clothes. I can’t believe you ever wanted to see me again. Why? Why would you want to see me again?”

  “I don’t know. You said some things. I was intrigued.”

  I wanted to ask, but I was kind of afraid to. I looked back at him for answers to the questions that were running through my head, but his expression remained unreadable.

  “I’m not good for you, Alexis,” he said in a voice that was only barely louder than a whisper.

  I laid there, my body as stiff as a corpse. He was warning me. Unfortunately, I had no idea what he was warning me about. “It’s okay, Adam,” I said with deliberation, careful not to let my emotions betray me this time. “With me, you don�
�t have to worry about this going any further.”

  His eyes narrowed. “Yes, you’ve said that before. And yet I asked, and here you are. “ When I didn’t answer, he went on. “What are your expectations, Alexis? What should mine be?”

  His words felt like a ton of bricks had just been shoved onto my chest. I was so confused. It was way too soon to be having this conversation. And while his words spoke one thing, his eyes didn’t reflect the same sentiment.

  I studied the weave of the threads in the sheet between us and noted the high thread count. Finally I answered, without looking up. “I can’t start a relationship when there is nowhere for it to go. Not with you. Not with anyone.”

  “Why?” he asked simply.

  “I have my reasons. Rest assured that I have no expectations beyond this.” I gestured to the span of bed between us. “I’m a dead end, Adam.” And at that moment, that was exactly how I felt inside ... a dead end.

  I looked up and met his dark chocolate eyes, which searched mine for answers. I felt like he could see straight into my soul. It was unfair that while I felt so exposed, they provided nothing in return.

  He was so complicated, like a puzzle that I wanted to figure out. Instantly, I wished that everything that I’d just said was a lie. What would it be like to have expectations? What would it be like to have a boyfriend? What would it be like to have Adam?

  The words that left my mouth defied reason. “Look, Adam ... I really had fun tonight. I did. And despite the fact that I’m not really sure what just happened here, I see the potential for some good, clean fun.” He smiled at that and arched an eyebrow suggestively.

  “Can’t we just drag this out for a while? No strings attached,” I finished. I looked back down at the sheet, repeatedly drawing a circle on it with my index finger.

  Adam sighed. I had no idea what that sigh meant. He was still completely unreadable. Then he reached out and pulled me closer. He put both hands around my waist and pulled me to a sitting position on top of him. His eyes swept down my body and came to rest on the scar on my lower abdomen. Instantly, I wanted to cover up. His eyebrows knitted together as he ran his thumb back and forth across the jagged line. I worried that he would ask about it, but he didn’t. Instead, he lifted his hands and placed them on the sides of my face. He swept my hair back and met my eyes. And then, for the first time in this bed, he didn’t look away before he kissed me.

  “Yes, Alexis,” he finally answered between kisses. “If that’s what you want ... no strings attached.”

  We spent the next hour getting to know each other’s bodies all over again. It was different this time round. The urgency was gone. We took our time, knowing that it wasn’t necessarily the last time for us. Adam’s walls were still a mile high, but at least now he could look at me.

  Lying in the dark afterward, I allowed myself to do something that I hadn’t before. I snuggled into his side and draped a leg over him. I felt him stiffen beneath me, but then he wrapped an arm around me and began stroking my hair. Just as I was drifting off to sleep, I heard him speak.

  “I’m not good for you, Allie,” he whispered. “And you aren’t good for me.”

  I couldn’t have agreed more. He sighed again, and I wondered if I’d just said that aloud.

  ***

  When I came to a stoplight, I looked skyward. Dark clouds were rolling across the oppressive grey sky from west to east. Until just a few minutes ago, it had been a beautiful and unusually warm day after a very cold spring, but the weather in northern Texas could be very unpredictable. The rumble of thunder signaled that the storm was closing in. The smart thing to do would be to stop and put the convertible top up on my little car, but if I hurried, I could probably beat the rain.

  I leaned forward, gripping the steering wheel with both hands. The cheer clinic had run late, and I was rushing home to change my clothes. I reached over and tuned the XM receiver to the MTV channel, and No Doubt’s ‘Hella Good’ blasted through the speakers. I sang aloud in an effort to drown out the fast approaching storm.

  A crack of lightning shot across the sky, and a single fat raindrop smacked me in the forehead. Annoyed, I wiped it away with the back of my hand.

  I was driving too fast and knew I should slow down, but then another half dozen raindrops smattered against my windshield. Another clap of thunder was so close that my car seemed to shake. It almost drowned out the chirp of my phone. I knew with certainty that it was Brittany. Even though I’d just seen her 10 minutes ago in the school parking lot and would see her again in less than an hour, I needed to talk to her.

  I reached into my bag and blindly fished through it as it rang again. I tapped the brake. My fingertips brushed the smooth surface just as my foot slipped and hit the gas pedal. Hard. The engine revved, and the little car lurched forward and jumped the curb.

  I woke with a sob and sat straight up in the bed. For the second time, tears streamed down my face and dropped onto Adam’s sheets. I was still disoriented, but I knew where I was, and I needed to get myself under control. I rubbed the tears away with the palm of my hand.

  The bed dipped beside me as Adam crawled across it. “Alexis, are you okay?” His mouth was set in a frown. He was worried. About me.

  He was wearing pajama pants, but hadn’t bothered with a shirt. I was glad that he hadn’t. I needed a distraction, and he was giving me one. “I’m fine.” I said it as casually as I could, but my trembling arms and hands spoke differently. “It was just a nightmare.”

  He pulled me into his arms and held me against his chest. “Was it the same one that you had last time you were here?” He was rocking me slowly as if I was a small child. I felt safe in his arms. If I was going to keep having the nightmare, I might need to wake up with him every day.

  “Ummm, yeah,” I answered with a slight shudder. “It’s always the same.” At least, it had always been the same. Though lately, it was both the same and different at the same time.

  Curled up against him, I was just inches from the tattoo on his chest. I traced my finger across the beautiful and puzzling script. He stiffened and removed my hand from his chest, holding it in his own. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked. Obviously, the tattoo was another closed door that wouldn’t be opened for me. Adam was a long hall of closed doors.

  I shook my head as I realized that once again I was completely naked. What was it about this apartment that always left me so exposed? Really, it was an embarrassment. I pushed away from him and pulled the sheet up to my chin.

  My sudden modesty made him smile. He swung his legs off the bed and stood. He walked to his dresser and pulled out a t-shirt and a pair of boxers. He tossed the shirt at me. Since I wouldn’t let go of the sheet to catch it, it smacked me in the face.

  “Put those on and meet me in the kitchen. I’m making you breakfast.” He chuckled and then bent down to scoop something up off the floor. The footboard of the bed obscured my view of him. But then his head poked up over the edge of the bed, and my favorite black bra hung off of his finger.

  “What’s a high tone girl like you doing wearing a bra held together by a safety pin?” he asked, referring to the one broken strap.

  “Hey, it’s my favorite,” I said with a shrug. “And it’s La Perla. Buying a replacement is like buying a Hyundai. I might have to make monthly payments.”

  “I’m sure you can handle it,” he said, smiling. With the strap still strung around his finger, he pulled my bra back like a slingshot and shot it across the bed at me where it landed expertly in my lap.

  “Get dressed,” he said again, and then his eyebrow arched up mischievously. “You can leave the broken bra off if you want.”

  I did as I was told and decided to make a pit stop by the bathroom. It was spotless. It was not the bathroom of any single guy that I’d ever known. Nothing was out of place; it was actually quite luxurious. Fluffy white oversized towels hung over the towel rod. The marble shower had dual showerheads and was plenty big enough for two people. I
was feeling pretty grimy from the night before, but as tempting as it was I turned away from the shower and stepped over to the sink. I smiled when I saw the toothbrush that I had used a few weeks before lying on the counter next to a new tube of toothpaste. He hadn’t thrown it out, which meant that either he’d been hoping that I would be back or he was saving it for the next girl. Poor girl.

  As I stuck the toothbrush into my mouth, I finally looked up at the mirror and noticed that my t-shirt declared me to be property of the University of Texas athletic department. My eyes shot over to the wallet thrown into the basket on the counter. Well, this would give us something to talk about.

  I quickly finished brushing my teeth, and then I pulled my messy hair up into a ponytail, which I secured with the hair band that I conveniently found on my wrist. There wasn’t much else that I could do with my appearance. It was about as good as it was going to get.

  I found my purse near the front door and then made my way to the kitchen. As I rounded the corner, I was overcome with a sense of déjà vu. Much like the last time I’d come into this kitchen, Adam stood facing the kitchen counter in front of the coffee maker. His hands rested on the countertop. He wasn’t rigid with tension this time though. In fact, it seemed like his shoulders were actually sagging. He was softly beating his head against the upper cabinet door. Apparently, my nightmares and crying jag were causing him to have second thoughts about our new arrangement.

  “Trying to knock some sense into yourself?” I asked.

  He turned around and leaned back against the counter, crossing his feet at the ankles. The move was so smooth that I almost forgot that he had just been beating his head into the wall over me. “Damn, you look good in my shirt,” he said.

  I smiled and walked across the small kitchen until I was standing just inches from him. I wanted to touch him, but my rude awakening still had me feeling a bit self-conscious. “About that ... did you go to the UT?” I asked. I needed to steer the conversation away from any discussion of the nightmare.

  He pushed off the counter so that we were now even closer. He wrapped an arm around my waist. “Briefly,” he said as he pulled me in for a kiss. I knew he was trying to distract me. I would allow it.