by Erme Lander
A knock on the door and she jumped as Jon shouted, “Breakfast’s ready, how’s your head?” He was used to her keeping him out, but he was full of the evening concert, wanting to explain the sounds that had filled him. He slid in while she was distractedly tying her shirt laces and his jaw dropped. “What happened in here?”
“You mustn’t say anything.”
“Sure.” He looked puzzled, “So, what are all these scrapes from?”
“I don’t know, I’m not sure.” She held her head while she tried to think. “Look, can you get me outside the walls for the night?”
“There’s a postern gate in the south wall, I know some of the guards.” He touched the wall, “Marta’s going to kill you if she sees this. These look like claw marks...”
“Yes. Can you introduce me to the guards you know?”
“Can I come too?”
“No. It’s not safe.”
“Then I’m not doing anything until you’ve told me.” He crossed his arms and looked stubborn, ignoring her glower. “No secrets, remember?” The bell rang for breakfast and he raced downstairs with a grin, knowing it would be the last chance she’d have to speak with him alone until the evening.
That day took ages. She was distracted and had to be reprimanded by Abran several times for not paying attention. The other students teased her, assuming her distraction was due to a girl. Lissina pouted, but even their comments failed to shake her out of her thoughts.
Jon and Mika sat high on the old city walls, the evening wind had an edge, a sharp reminder of the coming winter. Shouts filtered up from the dockside far below. Jon sat next to her, munching on his pie. “Come on then, no secrets?”
She checked the area around them. Couples walked past, no one close by. “I’m a girl.”
His jaw dropped, “You’re kidding me.” She flushed as he looked her up and down, “You’ve not got any...” His hands sketched out where her breasts should be.
“You’re too young to notice things like that.”
He grinned, shaking his head, “Do you remember Drutha’s?” Mika nodded, even she’d heard of the biggest whore house in Ackbarr. “I used to run errands for her, the things I’ve seen there.” He pretended to lean back with a far away look in his eye, a man of the world. She poked him in the ribs and he collapsed, chortling, into the small skinny boy he was.
“Why do you think I’ve been keeping you out of my room?”
“So,” He was all practicality now, “Claw marks on the walls aren’t normal, even at Drutha’s.” He assumed a calculating expression, “I think you have to pay extra for that.”
“Thanks, if I ever need a new career I’ll remember. Jon, what do you know about Jace, the King’s Advisor for War?”
“Stay away from him. Nasty. Rumours about...” He stopped and eyed her, suddenly wary.
“I think I’m the same. I changed last night. I saw Jace controlling the large cats in the menagerie. Jon, I need your help to get past the city walls after dark. I need to learn how to control this. I’ve not got any time during the day and I don’t want to hurt anyone else.”
His sharp mind caught the extra word, “What do you mean anyone else?”
She put her head in her hands, “I killed my husband.” Quietly, tears began to fill her eyes.
He stared, stunned into silence, then nodded. “I’ll sort something. It might take a while.”
Chapter 16
To her frustration, Mika was unable to practice that evening. Belindros had arranged to have the musicians play at his house, a privilege of being Medici. Guests had been invited and Mika was expected to attend and be sociable. Jon tugged at her arm in excitement, desperate for a repeat of the previous evening. Mika wanted to brood at the back over her problems and was foiled by the music. Her mind spun away with her, held down only by Jon unconsciously gripping her hand, transported in his own reverie.
Her eyes wandered over the musicians and was caught by the gitern player. He was large, his thick fingers delicately placed themselves on the strings. He seemed to play without thought, his eyes flicking over those listening, so sure of his own ability. Mika was struck by the difference between his face, that of a ruffian and his fingers dancing, playing like an angel. In the split second before his eyes moved to her, she remembered – she was a boy. She switched her face into the cool stare she used for Jace and his gaze passed over her.
The countryside around Ackbarr was very different from the landscapes she dreamed of. Wide open spaces and the large river winding its way to the plains below the mountains. She twitched as an owl hooted and the grasses rustled around her. Jon had agreed to be left behind, on condition of her telling him everything.
She and Jon had sneaked out of the house and joined the few people darting through the streets. There were patrols to keep order in the dark night. They easily avoided them, Jon grinning with excitement. Mika concentrated on the way through the city, she didn’t want to get lost on her way back. Jon was greeted by the guards at the gate with pleasure and he introduced Mika as a friend. Bored of standing at the closed gate for several hours, the guards welcomed the diversion and talked eagerly. A few coins were exchanged, a signal arranged so she could get back in and then she was outside, with the gate closing behind her.
Mika was unsettled by the wide views, unable to relax. Something inside made her want enclosed spaces, somewhere to hide. She found a small copse, away from the gate and sat for a while, staring at the larger of the two moons, trying to relax. Night noises distracted her, different from her dreams, adding to her isolation.
Jon had been fascinated, telling her about the rumours of Jace. They unsettled her more than anything, she knew they weren’t rumours. That thing that tugged her, pulled her towards him, Jace must realise there was something about her, it must affect him too. The only thing stopping him was that he didn’t think she was a girl or part of the royal family. Her mother’s blood, it must have come through her mother. Her mother rarely visited her family and always on her own. Mika had never been allowed to see them, only from a distance with the rest of the population. Jace would have come from the same part of the family, were he and her mother cousins? She’d certainly never met him. He must have left years ago.
Abruptly she remembered, if she changed then she’d have no clothes left. She swore at the thought of trying to get home in rags. Shivering in the chilly night air, she stripped, made a bag out of her tunic and hung it on a branch. Being naked made her feel vulnerable, more aware of not belonging in the dark. She spent several hours trying to change and failed utterly. The large moon set and she tramped back to bed by the pale light of the smaller one.
Jon was bouncing the next day, knocking on her door and asking questions. Mika held her head and muttered her answers. He was cheerful, assuring her that it would happen at some point. Mika wasn’t so sure.
Mika had noticed the trader with herbs and spices on her stall in the square at other points when she’d passed through on her way to the palace. Belindros had waved his disdain, nothing suitable for his line of work. However she still sniffed in appreciation as she went by. She loved the scents, those for cooking or for strewing in chests to keep clothes fresh and moth free.
Coming closer she noticed a familiar bundle of small dried flowers. Her breath caught, vineflowers, her mother’s favourite. Shyly she asked the trader about them. The trader shrugged, she couldn’t sell them, nobody liked the scent. Too strange for Ackbarr, she wouldn’t be buying them again. Mika asked how much and delighted, paid over the amount asked, telling the trader she had a customer if she could get more. She showed them to Jon, who spluttered his disgust.
Abran turned to Jon and asked him to get the Volos. Jon looked panicked. Mika swiftly intervened as Jon took a breath to give his usual smart reply for when he didn’t know an answer. “Jon, up the corridor, fourth turning on the right...”
She gave the rest of the directions knowing Jon with his street child’s brain would remember clearly.
“The words on the jar look like this.” She wrote them down on a scrap torn from her notebook. “It’s a clear jar with a yellowish liquid in it.” Jon took the paper and dashed off. “Apologies Medici, Jon’s reading still isn’t perfect.” The younger boys sniggered, led by Orai. Abran nodded calmly and they waited. Jon arrived in short order. Abran took the jar from him, smiled and continued his lecture as if nothing had happened. Mika exchanged grins with Jon, one up to them.
In her rooms that evening, she sewed several small sachets to put her vineflowers in. She pressed them against her mouth and nose, breathing in the peppery citrus smell. She tucked them into her chest between her clothes and giggled over Marta sniffing the air. Marta rarely came up to her rooms. After the first few weeks of checking that things were kept tidy, she’d stopped, expecting Mika to deal with everything herself.
The trips to the hospice helped Jon’s confidence. Mika continued his lessons in the evenings, memorising information with him in the early morning at breakfast and on their way to the hospice. His memory really was far better than hers. A lack of reading meant he’d learnt to remember. She’d read through her history before breakfast and give him the salient points and he could soon rattle them off. He came home delighted one afternoon while she’d been with her own tutor group.
“I did it!”
Gavin measured him with his hand, “Nope, still not grown.” Jon pushed him away as they all laughed.
“What?”
Jon rarely looked this happy. “A tutor asked about the campaign in Sandros, none of the other boys knew much. I quoted the entire text at them. They had to look it up!” Mika cheered him, delighted. It was a turning point, with the tutors beginning to appreciate his skills, he started to put more effort into reading and writing.
Mika was walking in the garden with Lissina before lessons. Her tall serious father had watched them go with a smile on his solemn face. Mika had been accepted as part of the tutor group, she was in full flow as a boy now. It was sometimes difficult to remember that she was a girl, so used to the easy, arrogant ways she copied. She’d been certain they’d notice in the beginning, but it appeared that they assumed any differences were due to her being foreign.
Despite her initial shyness, she’d formed good relationships with both the girls as well as the boys. The other boys could still be awkward around the girls, Mika laughed and teased them as much as they did her. Lissina especially would talk with her, Mika wished with all her heart she could tell her secret.
Lissina was in a careless mood, picking flowers and giving them to Mika to hold. She had yet another new set of dresses, complimenting her tiny figure, her mass of curly dark hair barely held back by the matching ribbon. Mika eyed it with a pang of envy, knowing she’d need to check her own hair roots again shortly. The air was balmy in the autumnal sunshine and the brief respite from lessons was fabulous.
“What will you do when you’ve become a Medici?”
Mika shrugged, “I don’t know, travel maybe, see the world.”
“You could stay here.” Lissina stopped and gazed up at her. Mika felt awkward, there was an expectancy about Lissina, Mika wasn’t sure what was wanted from her. Lissina sat down and patted the seat beside her.
Mika tried an explanation, “I want to learn more, things the Medici can’t teach me here. Find out more by travelling.” She couldn’t stay, someone would find out eventually, something would slip out. She began to wish she could tell Lissina. The garden was quiet, ready for secrets, she opened her mouth ready to blurt everything out. Lissina had come to her own decision, she cupped her hand around the back of Mika’s neck and kissed her. In shock, Mika didn’t return it.
“Think about staying. My father would find a good place for you.” The invitation was clear. Lissina smiled and picked a flower from those on Mika’s lap. She walked off, twirling it in her fingers and smiling. Mika sat in shock. She was a boy. Lissina thought she was a boy. Tears came into her eyes, Lissina thought she was a good marriage prospect, that was why her father had been so pleasant.
For a wild moment she actually contemplated it. Marriage, the perfect alibi. Then she thought of the marriage night, what would she tell Lissina? She choked back a laugh, “Sorry dear, I’ve not just got problems getting it up, I haven’t got one to start with...” It wouldn’t work. Lissina would be furious with her. She could only hope everyone would think she’d panicked at the thought of marriage. Mika carefully put the flowers back on the seat and walked slowly back to the classroom. The rest of the day wasn’t helped by Lissina smiling at her. Jenna was obviously in on the secret and the rest had twigged by the end of the day. The teasing was horrendous and Mika escaped with relief.
She lay in her bed sniffing the sachet of vineflower she’d made and thought of the musician. Typical Ackbarr looks, swarthy skin, broad face and dark eyes. The way he coaxed his instrument to sing for him. Mika wondered if he had calluses on his fingertips and what they’d feel like. She thought of the differences between his solid body and Jace’s leanness and shivered, there was a grace in a different way. She shook her head, she was supposed to be a boy and after Rylan’s attentions she didn’t want another relationship. She sighed, either way it didn’t look as though she’d get much sleep.
He remained in her mind for days afterwards, remembering his fingers, the way he leant over his gitern. The look in his eyes as he played. The boys assumed she was mooning over Lissina, Lissina preened and clung to her side.
Fed up with herself, she finally went to see Marta. Marta had her own little annex attached to the main house, its own door into the street. Mika hadn’t been inside before, Marta was as jealous of her privacy as she was.
Mika knocked nervously, “You said I could talk if I needed to?”
Marta invited her in. The room was tiny and cosy, hangings on the wall, a small shuttered window looking out onto the courtyard. A tiny stove with a kettle waiting nearby. It felt welcoming and warm, like Marta herself.
Mika took a breath, steadying herself, “I’ve got a problem. There’s a man I like. He doesn’t know I’m a girl.” She snorted. “In fact, he doesn’t know I exist. I want to get to know him. As a girl.”
“Who is he?”
“The gitern player we saw playing the other night.”
Marta laughed, “Ezra? He has a reputation.” Mika flushed, typical. “Still,” She gave Mika a calculating look, “It may give you an advantage if you approach him in the right way. I’ll help you get to talk to him as a girl, the rest is up to you.” She sat straighter, “You have any money saved from that allowance you get?”
“Yes.”
“I will buy the fabric for you and we will make some clothes. Simple jewellery. You will be my cousin, from the country. While you are helping me sew, the rest of the house will be told that I am helping you with language skills. One evening a week should do it.” Mika opened her mouth to protest, wanting to move quicker. “No. Any more and they won’t believe it. Ezra isn’t going anywhere or if he does, then you may want to reconsider. Now, I think blues and greens will suit you, any favourites?”
They sewed her dresses in the evening together, Marta talking her through the niceties of Ackbarr womanhood. Mika became aware of Marta’s enjoyment as she spoke of Ezra’s past, his habits of flirtation, his love of the chase and how Mika could use that to her advantage. Mika felt the excitement building in the pit of her stomach. Despite enjoying the freedom of men’s clothing, she was surprised to find she looked forwards to wearing pretty clothes again, especially when she saw Lissina in yet another new dress.
The evening they finished, Marta took her up to her bedroom to put the clothes on. The long restrictive skirts were strange after striding in boots for so long. She had to remember to contain her movements, be delicate, not use the free swinging gestures and taking up of room that she’d become used to. She remembered the day she’d met Rylan and felt ill.
Marta cocked her head when she saw her. “Not bad. This will need to co
me in further. You’ve a long slim body, let’s show it off.” She pinched the fabric in at the waist, “But the drape is correct and the colour brings out your eyes. Now,” She pulled a scarf over Mika’s hair. “I will get you a wig this week. No, don’t argue, at the moment you look Cassai and although I think he’d love the exotic, you’ll be too easy to spot. A soft brown will go with your skin and eyes I think.”
Marta and Mika walked out of her private door into the street. They turned away from the larger door of Belindros, despite it being the quickest way to the house where the concert was. Mika felt vulnerable in her skirts. She remembered to keep her strides short and tucked her arm into Marta’s to steady herself. Marta was humming softly, a sparkle in her eye. Mika wondered if she’d ever done this for herself and was too shy to ask.
The house came too quickly for Mika, her mouth was dry as they entered and allowed their cloaks to be taken. The merchant was puffed up in his pride of having the musicians performing at his house. Other people milled around and talked. Mika sat, her feet and knees together, she’d not felt this conspicuous for months. By the time the musicians arrived, she was so tense that Marta had taken her hand and started rubbing it gently. He was there. Sitting at the back, a smile on his face, laughing quietly with one of the other musicians. Mika forgot everything as they started and the music swept her away.
Her eyes unfocussed with the music and she relaxed. She casually gazed over the people in front and she jumped as she met Ezra’s eyes. She ducked her head, stomach tight again. Marta’s hand was a little warm now, the whole room was warm, she didn’t care. She glanced again, he was still looking. She allowed herself to drift, feeling her cheeks grow hot. Several times during the evening their eyes met, a jolt going through her and each time she looked away first.