by Jewel E. Ann
“Then don’t.”
Pinching the bridge of my nose and closing my eyes, I eased my head side to side. “Your world is so black and white. If I could control my feelings that easily, I’d still be married.” I forced myself to look at him. “Instead, he’s dead and I’m here. I said I wanted you to make me feel … feel alive. Not in love.”
Don’t cry … don’t cry …
I continued, “So you need to turn around and walk away because I can’t stop. And I hate feeling so out of control. I hate not being able to love the right man but falling so hard for the wrong one. And I get it … this is Karma. I deserve this. But you don’t. So … please walk away.”
Stiffening, I gripped my apple tighter as he took slow steps toward me. “Go …” I whispered.
“Give it to me.”
“Give what?” I couldn’t look at him. He would make me cry, and I wasn’t just on the verge of tears; I was on the verge of crumbling to the ground.
“Your baggage.”
I shook my head, staring at his jean-clad legs.
He eased the apple from my hand and set it on the counter.
“No …” I croaked past the lump in my throat as unshed tears blurred my vision.
“Yes …” he whispered, standing so close to me without making physical contact.
“Nothing … we chose nothing.”
His index finger hooked mine. “Well, that was the wrong choice.”
“What’s the right choice?” I whispered.
“Everything.”
“You don’t want my everything.”
“Maybe I do.”
My gaze inched up his body to his face. As soon as I found his eyes, I blinked. Tears raced down my cheeks. He didn’t move. We stood facing each other with two fingers clasped.
“You’re so good … but I’m not. I’m selfish. I’m cruel. I’m a killer.”
His forehead tensed.
I closed my eyes hoping to stop the tears, but they wouldn’t quit. “I couldn’t ignore all the little things about him that angered me … annoyed me. I let it build. I suppressed it. And over time, it turned into something so toxic I could barely breathe.” Blinking my eyes open, I let them focus on his chest. “He was just eating breakfast. And he said something he’d said a million times before. But I just … couldn’t. Not that day … not ever again.”
I sniffled while hiccupping on a shaky breath. “And something inside of me just snapped. Like an avalanche … it was unstoppable. One ugly comment led to another. Just … two people who had loved each other for what felt like a lifetime … slinging mud, ripping open old wounds, and slashing new ones. And he thought it was just me having a moment. A breakdown. He …” I choked for a few seconds, covering my mouth with my hand while I silently sobbed.
Kael tightened his grip on my finger, but that was it. He gave me space.
“H-he had n-no idea …” Squeezing my eyes closed, more tears made their way free. “I w-wanted out. I n-needed out.” Forcing my eyes open, I met his gaze and swallowed the choking emotions. “I said I wanted a divorce.” I bit my quivering lip for a few seconds. “And he left. That was the last time I saw him.”
“Elsie …” he whispered.
I lifted and dropped one shoulder. “Only two of my children know. Amie knows … I think her mom might know. That’s it. So to most everyone, my story is tragic and that of a grieving widow. It is tragic. I am a widow. But my grief is complicated—my baggage is heavier than most people imagine.”
Kael kept an unreadable expression on his face. What could he say? There wasn’t anything to say. Yes, I knew I didn’t actually kill Craig. I knew it was an accident. But sometimes the heart held onto the guilt until it left a permanent stain. I would always feel responsible for Craig’s death no matter what my brain could rationalize.
“Go be thirty, Kael. Be the wanderer you were born to be. You are kind beyond words. You carry a lot of baggage for people, but you also know how to let it go before it breaks your back. I don’t regret my life’s path. Don’t ever regret yours. And don’t let someone take you down a road you don’t want to explore. I’m sure you’ve left an unintentional trail of broken hearts because it’s impossible to not love you.”
“You love me?”
I released his finger and brushed past him. “Does it matter?”
“I think it matters to you.”
Laughing in the most painful way, I planted myself on the opposite side of the kitchen as far away from him as possible. “Once. I think we should have had sex once and moved on. That’s as casual as I can be. That was my lesson to learn. I let Craig go because I knew he loved me in a way I couldn’t reciprocate any longer. And unrequited love is awful—for both people.”
“Jesus …” he whispered, resting his hands on his hips while glancing up at the ceiling. “You think I’m incapable of love. You think my not wanting a wife and children means I don’t want love … or that I don’t know how to love.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know what you feel. And maybe that’s because I can’t imagine what my life would have been like without marriage and children. I just know that when Craig died, part of me died. And the only thing that kept me together was the comfort of my children. Love, in my life, has been defined by everything you don’t want. So … I don’t know how you feel. If you don’t have family, what do you have?”
“I have the people in my life. And maybe it’s not the same people now as it was ten years ago. And ten years from now, it might not be the same people as now. I’ve met many people on my travels. And in those moments, they were my friends … they were my family.”
“Women … you’ve had relationships. You’ve been monogamous?”
“Yes.”
“And how did that end?”
“Mostly good. Sometimes bad.”
“Because they wanted you to commit to more?”
His face twisted and he shook his head. “Because one side or the other was no longer feeling satisfied with the relationship. So it was time to move on. And I suppose in a perfect world people would fall in and out of love at the same time, but it’s not a perfect world.”
“Have you ever lived with a woman?”
He nodded. “Once. We were roommates?”
“Not intimate?”
“We had sex. Then it ended.”
“Because you had sex?”
“Because we were roommates.”
I frowned.
“For the record … I haven’t lived very long with anyone, male or female. I like my space. It keeps me grounded and happy. And therefore, I have more energy and desire to spend my time helping others because I’m not sitting around being pissed off at a million tiny little things someone does that drives me insane.”
Ouch.
I flinched.
“You asked. I’m giving you total honesty. I think kids are great. I was really good at being one. I just don’t want the responsibility, and I don’t think this world needs to add to its population at the moment when we haven’t figured out how to take care of all the humans who are already here.”
“You don’t want to commit to eighteen years with another human to raise a child? Or you’re saving the Earth?”
“Maybe a bit of both.”
Really … he deserved all the credit for his honesty, even if it was blunt and a bit harsh for my love-marriage-baby soul. I let his words sink in for a few seconds—maybe a few minutes—while he showed patience and stayed.
Why was he staying? I told him to leave. I let him go. I begged him to leave.
“Have you ever had your heart broken?”
“Yes.”
Not the answered I expected. Yet it gave me … hope. It made me feel not so alone. Captain America wasn’t invincible after all.
“Are you thinking about your mom? Was that the one time you’ve had your heart broken? When she died?”
A soft smile crept up his face. Adoration. It looked good on him. I think I got that same look
whenever anyone talked to me about my kids.
“Yes. She broke my heart when she died. But she wasn’t the first. I know what unrequited love feels like. And it’s awful. But it’s life. No regrets.”
I glanced at the clock on the microwave. “I’m late. I need to get to my shop. Don’t you have work too?”
“Rachel is opening it this morning. But yeah, I need to go shower and head that way.”
I closed my eyes and pressed my fingers to them, internally cringing at how puffy they felt from my crying. “Well…” I attempted a weak laugh to lighten the mood “…thanks for listening. Clearly, I needed to have a good cry today.” Sensing his approach, I kept my eyes closed and my hands at my face.
“I’m actually a great listener. I just never have great advice.” He pulled my hands away from my face. “I can plow snow. My handyman skills are pretty good. All manual labor is a strong suit of mine. I’m not terrible at sex.” He smirked. “I just don’t have all the answers to life. On a good day, I have the answers to my life. So I live in the timespan of moments because I like the now. I can deal with now.”
“Youth …” I smiled. “In my next life, I want to be you, Kael Hendricks.”
“That’s kind of you to say. But let’s hope that’s a long ways off.” He pressed his lips to my forehead and left them there for several slow breaths. “I did something over the past two weeks that isn’t common for me.” He turned, heading toward my front door.
“Well …” I followed him. “Where are you going?”
“To take a shower.” He shoved his feet into his boots and squatted down to tie them.
“You can’t say something so cryptic and then just … leave. What did you do?”
He stood and zipped his jacket. “I missed you.”
And then … he disappeared out the door.
There wasn’t a shelf high enough to keep my heart. Not an ocean deep enough. Kael wasn’t human. If he wanted my heart … he would find it. He would take it. And I would just wait for him to give it back … holding my breath … focusing on the now.
Chapter Twenty-Two
I don’t miss you because you’re no longer in my life … I miss you because you’re no longer in this life.
* * *
That afternoon, Ruddy’s Roses delivered a bouquet of flowers to the store. I looked at Kandi as she marked down more products per my request. She shrugged.
“They’re for you, Elsie.” Cynthia, the driver for Ruddy’s, smiled at me as she set them on the counter.
“Wow … okay. Thanks.” I waited until Cynthia left before grabbing the card.
“I bet they’re from one of your kids … since it’s close to the anniversary of …”
Craig’s death.
Kandi didn’t say it. She didn’t have to.
If that were the case, then they’d be from Finn.
That smile is a good look on you.
“So … who are they from?” Kandi charged the checkout counter.
“I don’t know. There’s no name on the card.”
She plucked it from my grasp. “Aw … that’s so sweet.” After staring at it for a few seconds, her gaze lifted to mine. “Kinda weird coming from one of your kids, especially with no signature. Do you have a secret admirer?” Her voice crescendoed.
I rolled my eyes. “And who would that be?”
“I don’t know. That’s why he would be a secret. Or it could be Dr. Jennings. I can see her sending you flowers this time of year. You know … with the anniversary of …” Kandi’s nose wrinkled.
“Craig’s death. You can say it, Kandi. I won’t fall to pieces. And yeah, you’re right. It’s probably from Amie.” I grabbed my jacket. “Going for soup. Can I bring you back anything?”
“I’m good. Thanks.”
I nodded and headed down the way to Spoons. The line wasn’t as busy since it was after one o’clock, but there were still five people ahead of me.
“Elsie …”
I grinned at Kael’s voice behind me, but I didn’t turn around. Elsie out of his mouth touched me differently than his usual, playful Mrs. Smith. Maybe after my confession, he realized I didn’t want to be Mrs. Smith.
We didn’t exchange anymore words or glances as the line inched forward. After I ordered my soup, I moved off to the side to wait for it. A minute or so later, Kael joined me. He made a point of brushing his knuckles against mine as he turned to face the to-go counter.
It lit me on fire. I didn’t miss his smirk as I unzipped my jacket and loosened my scarf.
Again, he brushed the back of his hand against mine.
“Stop,” I whispered.
“I don’t want to stop,” he whispered back.
Then as if Karma had hopped on her high horse for the day, Tillie Cunningham waltzed through the door. I prayed for my order to be called as soon as possible, but that didn’t happen. She spotted us and beamed in response. There was very little wiggle room in the corner, so my attempts to distance myself from Kael were futile.
“Hey … just the man I was looking for.” Tillie slipped off her gloves. “Hi, Elsie.”
I gave her a stiff smile with raised eyebrows as I clasped my hands in front of me—far away from Kael’s wandering hand.
“Hey, Till … what’s up?” Mr. Nice Guy didn’t stumble for a second. It wasn’t how he acted … it was simply his natural character.
“I have pot roast in the Crock-Pot and a pie ready to go in the oven. How do you feel about dinner with me tonight?”
“Kael …” They called his name before mine.
I ordered before him. What was going on?
“That’s a great offer. I love pot roast. But … Elsie already invited me to dinner tonight.”
What the fuck!?
Tillie shifted her eyes to me holding nothing but total confusion in her glare like she didn’t hear him correctly. I could relate. It had to be a bad dream. He did not just call me out like that.
“You did?” Tillie narrowed her eyes.
“Excuse me, ladies. My order is ready.” Kael escaped the crowded corner to grab his order at the counter while my jaw unhinged, eyes unblinking.
“Elsie, are you having a dinner party or something?” Tillie tried to make sense of why Kael would be having dinner with me.
My gaze lifted past her shoulder to Kael weaving his way out of the cafe toward the door. He threw me under the bus.
Why?
I didn’t want to lie to Tillie, but he left me with no choice, and that pissed me off that he would do that to me.
“Elsie? Did you hear me?” Tillie prodded.
Bringing my attention back to her, I started to search for my voice. “Uh …” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Kael stop just before the door. When my attention shifted back to him, he turned, lips twisted in a contemplative expression.
Regret.
He regretted saying what he did. I started to blow out a sigh of relief as he made his way back toward us. He was going to make things right again with Tillie, so I didn’t have to lie to her.
Tillie redirected her attention to him as well.
Then he did what no one in my life had ever done before … he exposed me. All of me. His right hand slid along my cheek, fingers threading in my hair as he brought his lips to my opposite cheek, depositing a soft but deeply intimate kiss near my ear before whispering, “I love you, so deal with it.”
Tillie’s lips parted as her face lost all color. I didn’t have issues with color. My face felt as red as the tomato bisque soup in the bag waiting for me at the counter.
“Order for Elsie,” they called.
Kael didn’t give Tillie one single glance before vanishing out the door after lighting my fragile world on fire.
Tillie turned and shouldered past a few people as she stumbled out of the cafe. It wasn’t until I grabbed my bag that I realized a lot of eyes were on me.
Fucking small towns.
They saw everything. It was only a matter of time before eve
ryone knew.
Bella …
She was still at school, her last day before the start of Christmas break.
Livid.
I was so livid.
Let them talk.
After throwing me to the wolves, I was in total agreement. It was time to let them talk.
“How was—” Kandi started to talk the second I returned to the store.
“I have an errand to run.” I tossed the store keys on the counter. “Can you close up?”
“Um … I’ve never closed up before.”
“There’s always a first.” I grabbed the flowers, leaving my soup behind and stormed out the door, across the square, and right into What Did You Expect?
I can say with certainty that Kael’s employees, including Rachel, and the aisles filled with customers didn’t expect me and my outrage.
Crash!
I pitched the glass vase of flowers at the register, aiming for his fancy display of bottles behind it.
Bull’s-eye.
The flying vase missed Kael by inches as he stood toward the corner behind his employees at the register, eating his soup, shoulder against a beam, one ankle crossed over the other.
The store fell silent as shocked expressions ping-ponged between me, the broken glass, and Kael.
“Deal with that.” I turned and pushed through the doorway out into the frigid air. It didn’t affect me, not with an inferno of anger racing through my veins.
In spite of the speech I gave Kelly about our loved one’s bodies being just that … bodies, I found myself driving to the cemetery to visit Craig’s body—or at least the ground above it and his headstone. I was good with anything symbolic at that moment.
“Hey.” I dropped to my knees in the snow, not caring if my jeans got wet or if I wouldn’t be able to stand after kneeling for too long. “It’s me, your terrible wife. Ex-wife. Widow …” I sighed and closed my eyes for a few seconds before opening them again and staring at his name engraved on the granite with “Beloved father and husband” beneath it.
Husband.
“I don’t know what I am right now. Not a good business owner. I’m closing the doors in less than two weeks. Not a good mom. Bella is about to find out I’ve been having sex with someone twelve years younger than me. Yeah … I went younger. You would have too. And I’m about to be shunned from the church because I stole Tillie Cunningham’s love interest. I still don’t think it’s a midlife crisis. I think I might just be a terrible human being. When Bella graduates, I’m going to leave Epperly. You can truly rest in peace.”