by Jewel E. Ann
A note about crazy … most people weren’t truly crazy until someone tried to make them feel crazy. And in the midst of making the case against being crazy … crazy sometimes happened.
Silence.
Not a breath.
Not a blink.
I wasn’t sure anyone at the table still had a pulse.
It wasn’t something I could take back. I’d gone too far—just a smidge.
Ever so slowly, I stood, resting my fingertips on the table while releasing a long, slow breath. “I’m not lost. I’m not having a midlife crisis. What I just said was a reaction from feeling attacked and cornered. I apologize for my offensive language and oversharing. I have bit my tongue with every single one of you at one point or another over the years. I have witnessed you making decisions that I wouldn’t make. I’ve rolled my eyes and sometimes cringed. But I’ve done my very best to let you find your way. Let you be you. Life is incredibly hard all by itself. High expectations and stern judgments only serve to bring people down and make them feel bad about themselves. Your actions are between you and your God. I won’t tell you what to think, who to love, or what you should or shouldn’t do with your body. If you want to get biblical … then here’s the deal. You have one thing to do. Love. That’s it. It’s that simple. You don’t have to police me or anyone else. The one lesson that mattered the most to me while raising you kids was for you to know that being kind humans and showing love to everyone is the greatest purpose—maybe the only true purpose—you have in this life.”
No one offered anything in return. And that hurt.
These were my people.
My parents loved me. I knew that without a doubt.
My kids loved me. I felt it to my bones.
And Craig’s parents used to love me. At that moment, I didn’t know how they felt because I was closing their store, I wanted to divorce their son before he died, and I gave really explicit details about fucking a man who wasn’t their son.
Yeah … they hated me.
Were Linc and Chase upset that I never told them about the fight before Craig died? I didn’t know anything because it all got thrown in my face at one time. And I broke under the pressure.
“I’ll be upstairs if anyone needs me. Thanks for dinner and the nice surprise.” My teeth clenched as my mouth pulled into a tight and ridiculously insincere smile.
Chapter Twenty-Five
He seemed good with the ’til death do us part promise, but he slipped on the ‘love, honor, and cherish.’
* * *
“Elsie …” Mary eased open my bedroom door as I worked on a quilt in the corner by the window.
Glancing over my shoulder, I searched for a sign to gauge her devastation or heartbreak over the pain that my nosey kids and I had offered over the dinner table. “Hey, Mary.”
She made her way to me. “That’s lovely.” Her head nodded to my half-finished quilt.
“Thanks.”
“Craig visited us …” She stood behind me and gathered my hair, gently stroking it and combing it with her fingers.
I tipped my chin forward.
“After you two argued, he visited us.”
Pain tugged at my heart and wrinkled my face.
Mary continued to play with my hair. It felt so kind, but I couldn’t figure out why she would show me such kindness if she knew more than I thought.
“Craig said you wanted a divorce.”
Tears filled my eyes with a pain I hadn’t felt since I first found out about his accident. I couldn’t imagine being in her shoes. If I had a daughter-in-law who asked my son for a divorce and he later died in an accident, I’m not sure I would have been able to look her in the eye ever again, let alone go an entire year without saying something.
And I know I wouldn’t have been kind … stroking her hair after hearing her say such vulgar things about her intimacy with a man who wasn’t my son—in front of my grandkids.
God … I had so much going through my head—excuses, explanations, lies, truths—but it all jumbled together, and it felt too disrespectful to utter a single word. Really … what could I have said?
How was I supposed to tell Mary that I’d fallen out of love with her son? She thought the world of him, as mothers do. How could I have ever made her see things the way I saw them?
“I should have left Ron twenty years ago, too.”
Wait. What?
I didn’t hear her correctly. There was no way I heard her correctly.
Gentle hands played with my hair. “There was this window of opportunity. Kids were moved out and focused on their own lives. Grandchildren were young enough that we wouldn’t have had to explain anything to them. I still had my teaching certificate and might have been able to get a job to support myself. My parents were still alive to help if I’d needed them. But … I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t brave enough to do it.”
“Why?” I whispered. “Why did you want to leave him?”
“Because he took me for granted. And he took our wedding vows for granted. He seemed good with the ’til death do us part promise, but he slipped on the love, honor, and cherish. I raised the kids and supported the business in ways no one ever saw. I cooked, cleaned, and made sure I was bathed and smelling good for him every night. Every night, Elsie. I have it on good authority that your generation doesn’t have to have sex every night. I did.”
I tried to restrain my smile, but it was hard. I couldn’t believe Mary was talking about her sex life with me. Honestly, Mary was the type of woman who had the Virgin Mary feel to her. The idea of her having sex three times to get pregnant seemed like three times too many or just three times too unlikely. There were other women at the church who gave off the same vibe. Like Rhonda. I couldn’t imagine them having sex unless it was clinical like getting pregnant with a turkey baster—legs in stirrups, head wrenched to the side, eyes pinched shut.
“You didn’t feel loved, honored, and cherished?”
“No.” She took several steps backward and sat on the edge of the bed as I turned on my vanity stool to face her. “You know why … ‘Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church.’ I felt like he expected me to be submissive. So many of my fellow sisters in the church were happy to be submissive … let their husbands have the role of head in the marriage and they the helper. Some even felt like it was a privilege … an esteemed position. ‘Wives should submit to their husbands in everything.’” She gave me a tight smile as if to say what do you think about that?
“Ron expected you to be submissive?” I was surprised by that because I never saw that side of their marriage.
“Don’t look so shocked. It was also my job to play the role of the happy wife and mother so that no one would ever think to question my discontentment. Small town. Big religion. I couldn’t just leave Ron. I would have had to leave Epperly. But at the time, my parents were alive, and they needed my help. Sound familiar?”
I recoiled.
“Don’t think I haven’t seen it … haven’t seen you doing everything in your power to keep us in our home. Don’t think that I don’t understand that our kids would have put us in a home in a heartbeat had it not been for you.”
Tears stung my eyes.
“Let us go, Elsie. You’ve been a good wife and mother, and you’ve been good to Ron and me so much more than our own kids have been. But it’s time for you to move on. And while I’m heartbroken that I’ve lost a child, I don’t blame you. Not one bit. It was in fact an accident. And it could have happened just as easily had he run out to get a loaf of bread.”
I didn’t believe that. His mind was not in the right place to be driving. And if he was angry, he was probably speeding. I knew from experience that Craig got heavy footed when he was worked up about something.
“Stop.”
I glanced up from my thoughts to meet her gaze.
She shook her head. “I know where your mind is going, and I just want yo
u to stop. Stop feeling responsible. Stop carrying the guilt. Stop looking back. Do something for yourself … do it for me.” She grinned. “Let me live vicariously through you. There’s still so much life for you to live, sweetie. Take your second act.”
“I loved him,” I whispered because I needed so badly for her to know that. I did love Craig with my whole heart for so long.
“I know, Elsie. And I loved Ron. I still love him. Sometimes love isn’t enough. Sometimes freedom is greater than love. Or maybe it’s the ultimate love. I don’t know.”
“But my kids and my parents think I’m losing it. I half expect to be hauled away in a straitjacket for a psychiatric evaluation and heavily medicated for the next few years.”
Mary belly laughed. “I don’t think so. They’re just concerned. You’ve given them submissive Elsie for too many years. It’s going to take them awhile to get to know free Elsie. Give them time. Show them that your love for them hasn’t changed.”
I scooted off the stool and knelt in front of her, hugging her waist like a child. “Thank you, Mary.”
She again stroked my hair. Part of me felt like it should have been my mom comforting me and encouraging me like that, but the fact that it was Mary made it more impactful, and it gave me true closure to my marriage—the life and loss of Craig.
Finn drove Ron and Mary home while Chase and Linc took Meadow for a walk. Since my parents were staying at my house for two weeks, avoiding them seemed pretty unlikely. So after a long bath, I slipped into my favorite flannel lounge pants and shirt and feigned some bravery and confidence before making my way downstairs.
Bella glanced up from the floor, muting the television as I stood at the threshold to the living room. My parents sat in opposite recliners which was weird for them. They were usually the snuggly couple.
The sofa.
No one wanted to sit on the sex infested sofa.
So … I did. I liked the sofa a lot.
“Elsie …” Mom gave me a sympathetic smile.
“Listen,” I cut her off. “I lost it. And I’m truly sorry for that. There really is no good excuse. I felt backed into a corner, ganged up on, and attacked. Still … it’s no excuse for saying the things I said. Even if it was all true.” I glanced up to see Linc, Chase, and Meadow at the arched entrance. “Sit down. You need to hear this too.”
They took seats on the floor next to Bella. Meadow jumped up on the sofa with me, the only one who didn’t care that I’d had sex on it with Kael.
“We’re all adults. It’s not the most comfortable thing in the world talking about my sex life with my kids and my parents. But here we are … talking about it. You don’t have to approve of what I’ve done, but it doesn’t make it wrong. I did nothing wrong, except maybe in God’s eyes. But that’s between me and God. I’m sorry if this has caused any of you pain and embarrassment.” My attention landed solely on Bella. “It was never my intention.
“But … I’m not going to let you treat me like there is something wrong with me. I married the man I loved. I raised a beautiful family with him. And then I no longer wanted to be married to him—not because I regretted anything. But because I changed over the years, and I wanted something else in my life—even if I didn’t know what that was.”
“A younger man?” Bella mumbled.
“No. Not a younger man. This isn’t a lost and found story. I wasn’t, and I’m still not looking for someone. Not looking for anyone to replace your dad. I am whole without a man in my life. It’s hard to explain.” I rubbed my temples. “This sounds awful, and it’s not the best explanation, but it’s the easiest. It’s like when Bella wanted peanut butter and jelly every single day. It was your favorite. You loved it so much that you couldn’t imagine there ever coming a day that you didn’t want … need a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Until …”
“I hated it,” she whispered.
I nodded. “Yeah. I’ll never forget the day you just couldn’t eat one more sandwich. I asked what had happened. I thought maybe someone at school had made fun of you for taking the same thing for lunch every day, but you said you didn’t know. All you knew was that you didn’t want another sandwich, and even the smell of it turned your stomach.”
“Dad was your PBJ?” Linc lifted an eyebrow.
I chuckled. “Yes and no. The point is something changed. Something shifted. And I didn’t want to be married to him any longer. I didn’t want to be married to anyone. I wanted to go a different direction in my life. I’d raised you kids, and I wanted me to matter again. I didn’t regret the past … I don’t know how many times I can say that to you or what I can do to make you understand that. But I knew if I didn’t say something or do something that I would start to regret each new day. It wasn’t supposed to end in a big fight.”
I wiped a stray tear as Bella blinked out a few tears as well. “We were fused together in so many ways. I should have known separating wouldn’t be easy, and it wouldn’t come without pain. Twenty-two years of marriage doesn’t end without feeling a little torn … a little broken.”
“But the accident—” Bella sobbed, and it made more hot tears run down my face.
“It was just that …” Linc hugged her. “An accident.”
Kindness packed the hardest punch. Always. But especially when you didn’t feel completely deserving of it.
“This young man …” Mom spoke up. “Do you love him, Elsie?”
I wiped my face. “He’s not my happiness.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
You’re the best kind of want.
You’re the worst kind of need.
* * *
Over the next few days, I managed to convince my family that I wasn’t losing it.
We visited Craig’s grave and flipped through family photos in old albums and more recent digital photos. We laughed and cried watching video footage from family vacations, birthday parties, and the many Christmases we spent together as a family.
We weren’t a failure. We were a book. A beautiful love story that ended more tragically than it should have. One chapter … we had one bad chapter. If I’d had it to write over again, that was the only chapter I would’ve edited.
One day.
I would have changed one day of our marriage. The last day.
That was not a failure. It was one day.
One. Fucking. Day.
Twenty-two years of marriage deserved a better ending than the smell of bacon and an ill-executed proposition for sex. At the very least, it deserved a well-thought-out letter or a private dinner with a rehearsed speech.
“The Christmas Eve crowd is a mile long out the door at What Did You Expect?” Bella sulked as she glared out the window while two measly customers milled around our store.
“It’s because they’re running thirty-percent off today,” Gabriella, one of my two customers said. “I’m headed there next to get vinegar for my mom. I just thought I’d browse around here for a bit and stay warm until the line dies down a bit over there.”
Bella closed the distance between us and lowered her voice. “Mom, you cannot let him do that.”
“Do what? Run a sale?” I chuckled, determined to not let anything ruin our Christmas.
“This place used to be filled to capacity the day before Christmas—everyone grabbing last-minute gifts. Now look at us … we have two customers, and they’re both probably sucking up all our heat while they wait for the line across the square to go down.”
“Bella, we’re closing the store in a week. Does it really matter?”
“Yes.” Pain filled her eyes.
“Why?” I tilted my head and gave her my most sympathetic expression.
“I don’t know … it just does.” She rubbed her eyes before any tears could escape.
“Is this about your dad? The store? Or is this about him? Are you still mad about us? It’s over. We’re not—”
“I’m mad because you let him take advantage of you. Had his store been the one going out of business, he wo
uld have been upset. And he wouldn’t have been interested in you that way. He played you, Mom. And I hate it.”
“Bella—”
“No,” she continued to whisper-yell at me. “He’s sitting over there gloating. You can’t see it, but I guarantee he’s really proud of himself for winning.”
“It’s not a game.”
“To him, it’s a game. You’re just too trusting to see it.”
I could let the store go.
I could let Kael go.
But I couldn’t watch my daughter grapple with her emotions like that—thinking I didn’t do more to fight, even if it was a losing battle.
“Then we do something.”
“Yeah?” She grabbed a tissue from behind the counter and fixed her smeared eye makeup in her phone’s camera screen.
“Yeah. It won’t change the outcome of the game, but we throw the Hail Mary anyway.”
“What do you have in mind?”
My lips twisted. “Do we still have some cans of spray paint in the back?”
Bella shrugged. “Maybe.”
We did.
We had several cans of red paint.
Perfect.
I slipped on my jacket and headed out front, shaking a spray can while Bella stayed inside with our two, fake customers.
S A L E
EVERYTHING
F R E E!
Bella’s jaw dropped when I walked back into the store. “Are you serious?” Her smile grew.
“It’s on the window now. That paint doesn’t come off easily.”